Anxiety blip/my imploding life?

[beatroon]

Hi everyone

Hope you're doing OK. I'm currently on the horns of a dilemma and whilst asking for the help of strangers on the internet is probably not the wisest idea, you guys aren't just *any* strangers: you're the wolf pack who understand what it's like to have real-world problems blown out of control by anxiety.

I've been gay-married for seven years. My partner is a very kind, wonderful person who is adored by all, and who has minor anxiety issues herself that she doesn't really address, which over the past two years led to quite a few marital stresses, where I felt quite suffocated in the relationship/picked on about cleaning and stuff like that (although because of the anxiety and depression I have never been great on the housework etc). At one point I had to move back to my parents' for a few days because I felt so unsure about continuing (but I always feel unsure about everything: anxiety/OCD innit). The day after I left I just wanted her back as I felt sick and miserable about not being with her. At the point of that mini-meltdown, I increased my dose of Citalopram, saw a psychiatrist, and managed after months of hard work to get over my feelings of ambivalence and upset and get back on the horse of my life.

Feeding into this is that about two years ago I met an amazing person who really turned my head. I initially thought I had just developed an obsessive crush (another thing to which I am prone) and that it would wear off as it was one-sided, and to an extent that is what happened, until a few months ago when she admitted that she was in love with me. I immediately left the situation and went no contact, feeling sick with guilt, and we haven't spoken since, until an email arrived the other day which made me question everything again. I'm terrified that I'm missing out on the love of my life, even though logically I know that the feelings should go if I let them.

I am finding all this very stressful, and can't stop analysing. My partner is an amazing, patient and lovely person and I feel that I should want my future to be with her, and I'm sure if we were to separate I would spend years in the abyss of guilt and regret. At the same time, I think that I have been feeling so low for so many years now, and really struggling with my feelings for this other person, that maybe I'm just not in the right relationship, and maybe I should knock it on the head and see what happens. At the same time, the thought of hurting my partner and losing all my stability and home life and friends makes me feel physically sick. I would do anything to have the feelings back as they were and stop obsessing about this other lady, whom I know in my heart of hearts is not as good a person as my partner - far from it, she has shown herself to be selfish and unreliable more than once, and some of her core values really don't chime with mine.

Because I had been feeling so much less guilty and clearer in my head about everything after 'breaking off' the emotional affair before Christmas, I had managed to start reducing my Citalopram from 40mg to 30mg. I had a few bad days but nothing spectacular, and then a few days ago I really hit the wall, and the anxiety and constant questioning of everything has started up. I feel desperately unhappy and guilty over how I'm feeling about everything - don't know how much of it is just reducing the dose too quickly, or whether things have just reached a peak in my own head. I've been given a diagnosis of Relationship OCD in the past, because of these looping thoughts and stuck feelings, but I never told the therapist about the emotional affair, so I don't know what to blame on what. I should mention that I've also suffered with body dysmorphic disorder and hypochondria, and have a diagnosis of GAD.

If you've made it this far through my post, congrats and I'd love to know the perspective of any other anxiety sufferers out there. It's so hard to parse what is anxiety and what is just life stuff that anyone would struggle to cope with!

[hopeful1]

Well from one stranger to another... are you sure about your feelings for this other person. Sometimes the excitement and guilt of an affair is extremely appealing even if you know this other person really isn't right for you. By her admitting she loved you, regardless of the fact that you were married, should be sending alarm bells off. She would dictate your happiness in a relationship, not what an anxiety sufferer needs. I know you have finished this meeting, so don't give it any head space now. Put it down to experience and try not to do it again and don't beat yourself up about it. We have all had our heads turned, it is normal. Give your marriage a chance, your first choice of partner sounds like a good choice. Don't let past guilt ruin what you have now. I think you have had a great escape and a really good chance of happiness within your marriage.

Be careful of reducing your citalopram too quickly, your gp can help you with this, though personally speaking I take twice as long to reduce my citalopram as my gp suggests - because I like to be in more control than her (just another little issue I have)!

[Dave1]

Thank you for sharing your story. Every story I read helps to give me a little more insight into my own anxieties.

If I was you I'd go back to 40mg. Next reduction try chopping the pills and try 35mg.

[beatroon]

Hopeful1, Dave1 - thanks very much for your replies. They mean a lot.

Hopeful1 - what you've said makes a lot of sense. I think it's that I and the affairee have lots in common and similar backgrounds and as you say the excitement was there at a time when I was feeling unappreciated, but at the end of the day nobody makes me feel as safe and as valued as my lovely partner. I think what clinches it for me is: if I were taken into hospital suddenly, I would trust her 100% to be there by my side, whereas this other lady would probably not arrive for a few hours or maybe wouldn't even make it. I am going to do what you say and just stop beating myself up about it, and stop obsessing.

Dave1 - it's funny isn't it, what goes on beneath the surface of seemingly ordinary people's lives! And anxiety sufferers seem to feel all those swimming currents very deeply. I hope you're having a nice evening and feeling strong at the moment.

[Lissa101]

Hey, I can't offer any relationship advice as mine is currently a huge mess. However, I also get the intense crush thing, I think it's a means of escapism - a nice fantasy in our head where everything is happy and uncomplicated. Don't feel bad about it, our brains need a holiday sometimes and if its thinking about a hot guy/gal then so be it. As long as you don't act on it and it doesn't have real-life consequences then its pretty harmless x

[Dave1]

Hi Beatroon, yeah I'm feeling good tonight!


what goes on beneath the surface of seemingly ordinary people's lives

I wonder if the brain is actually composed of lots of little apps - one for guilt, one for fear, one for logical reasoning, etc, and each one is automatically sending messages to your conscious mind. But the messages are clashing and somehow you have to reconcile them all.