CharleneMac
12-02-17, 21:55
Hey all,
It's been a while since I was here because I was getting on so well. The end of 2015 for me.was horrific but slowly I clawed my way back out of it all and was living a reasonably settled life.
I went on a family holiday, was going to football games and concerts, days out, nights out and generally enjoying life.
Then i was told my landlord was selling my house and we were being made home less. From may till november I was fighting and fighting but eventually got a council house. The house only became available because a family friend passed away ... in the house :/
This on top of all the fighting and actually having to move totally broke me. Xmas and new year was horrific and I was basically a shell the whole time. I was on antidepressants but I was missing them for days at a time and never taking them regularly.
I always believed that it was hormones causing all these problems so a week ago I got an injection to suppress my ovaries ...WELL ... cue total breakdown. I took myself to hospital 5 times, twice by ambulance, one day I even went twice !! I didn't eat for 5 days and I was only sipping on water. If I wasn't under some kind of medical care I was under my duvet in a total mess, crying and panicking.
I couldn't stop shaking, nausea, hearing voices inside my head and feeling like I needed this to stop and stop now !!
This was all up to yesterday. Today I'm only calm because I've to take regular doses of diazapam until my antidepressants kick back in.
I've literally never been so scared in my life. I became convinced that the injection or hrt was poisoning me and that's why I couldn't eat.
My fiance tried his best to get me through it but it was a struggle for him too.
I don't know why I didn't realise this was happening again, I've been doing cbt for a year so why none of us caught it il never know. Also it seems to be the same time of year this happens ... always over the winter.
I've now been on this jab for 9 days ... only 19 to wait for it to be out of my system. I've agrred with my gp and fiance that once it's wore off then il go up a dose on my antidepressant.
I've just read up on the last time this happened to me and discovered 4 months worth of rants and messes but 2 weeks after the antidepressants I had stopped posting. Clearly they had made a huge difference in me so fingers crossed this can happen again .... so here to the road to recovery part 2 !! I can and will do this.
Right now I'm 9 days into the injection. 8 days on kliofem hrt, 2 days back on escitalopram 5mg and taking 2mg of diazapam up to 4 times a day xx
---------- Post added at 18:46 ---------- Previous post was at 17:02 ----------
I can feel my anxiety building again. It seems to be around the idea that I'm never going to get better, what if I get worse again, how am I suppose to fight this. I'm starting to get tired so my bravado is fading slightly.
I know I can take the diazapam and I don't quite know why I haven't taken it although I'm just about to. I know there is numbers I can call too to talk me down so I'm thinking I might speak to someone. It's all about hearing someone else saying that I can do it ... I don't feel strong enough to be believin this all on my own.
I don't know how much of this is side effects from the hrt/injection and what is genuinely my own mind working against me. I've been finding that this time of night is when it all starts building up again. The good news is I managed to eat a handful of grapes, 2 digestive biscuits and a slice of toast with dairy Lea over today and I've been feeling hungry again. Hopefully once I calm down il want to eat something later on before I go to sleep. I honestly wish we could upload videos onto this because I don't think putting things into words really exprested how bad you feel at the time
---------- Post added at 21:55 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
Ended up I didn't phone breathing space. I've got an app on my phone called headspace and it teaches mindfulness and meditation. After I took my tablet I stuck my headphones in. Today's session was to imagine you are sitting by a road and the cars are speeding past u. U don't like sitting there but all in all u are safe. Well the cars are thoughts and anxiety feelings and it teaches u to just lie there an accept how u are feeling and not to let it get to u. Well I have to say I fell asleep before the end of it so I'm guessing it worked at the time. Now I'm awake and I can feel the anxiety building. I know I need to hold on 2 more hours before I take the Diaz again and get sorted for bed and I'm not too sure how I'm going to get to that stage. My first thing is to try and eat a few more bits of toast, go for a walk and then a shower. I've got the rest of a stand up dvd to watch tonight as I fell asleep during it last night. All I need to do is get through till half 4 tomorrow till I see my gp. That's less than 24 hours ... I can do this can't I ?
It's been a while since I was here because I was getting on so well. The end of 2015 for me.was horrific but slowly I clawed my way back out of it all and was living a reasonably settled life.
I went on a family holiday, was going to football games and concerts, days out, nights out and generally enjoying life.
Then i was told my landlord was selling my house and we were being made home less. From may till november I was fighting and fighting but eventually got a council house. The house only became available because a family friend passed away ... in the house :/
This on top of all the fighting and actually having to move totally broke me. Xmas and new year was horrific and I was basically a shell the whole time. I was on antidepressants but I was missing them for days at a time and never taking them regularly.
I always believed that it was hormones causing all these problems so a week ago I got an injection to suppress my ovaries ...WELL ... cue total breakdown. I took myself to hospital 5 times, twice by ambulance, one day I even went twice !! I didn't eat for 5 days and I was only sipping on water. If I wasn't under some kind of medical care I was under my duvet in a total mess, crying and panicking.
I couldn't stop shaking, nausea, hearing voices inside my head and feeling like I needed this to stop and stop now !!
This was all up to yesterday. Today I'm only calm because I've to take regular doses of diazapam until my antidepressants kick back in.
I've literally never been so scared in my life. I became convinced that the injection or hrt was poisoning me and that's why I couldn't eat.
My fiance tried his best to get me through it but it was a struggle for him too.
I don't know why I didn't realise this was happening again, I've been doing cbt for a year so why none of us caught it il never know. Also it seems to be the same time of year this happens ... always over the winter.
I've now been on this jab for 9 days ... only 19 to wait for it to be out of my system. I've agrred with my gp and fiance that once it's wore off then il go up a dose on my antidepressant.
I've just read up on the last time this happened to me and discovered 4 months worth of rants and messes but 2 weeks after the antidepressants I had stopped posting. Clearly they had made a huge difference in me so fingers crossed this can happen again .... so here to the road to recovery part 2 !! I can and will do this.
Right now I'm 9 days into the injection. 8 days on kliofem hrt, 2 days back on escitalopram 5mg and taking 2mg of diazapam up to 4 times a day xx
---------- Post added at 18:46 ---------- Previous post was at 17:02 ----------
I can feel my anxiety building again. It seems to be around the idea that I'm never going to get better, what if I get worse again, how am I suppose to fight this. I'm starting to get tired so my bravado is fading slightly.
I know I can take the diazapam and I don't quite know why I haven't taken it although I'm just about to. I know there is numbers I can call too to talk me down so I'm thinking I might speak to someone. It's all about hearing someone else saying that I can do it ... I don't feel strong enough to be believin this all on my own.
I don't know how much of this is side effects from the hrt/injection and what is genuinely my own mind working against me. I've been finding that this time of night is when it all starts building up again. The good news is I managed to eat a handful of grapes, 2 digestive biscuits and a slice of toast with dairy Lea over today and I've been feeling hungry again. Hopefully once I calm down il want to eat something later on before I go to sleep. I honestly wish we could upload videos onto this because I don't think putting things into words really exprested how bad you feel at the time
---------- Post added at 21:55 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
Ended up I didn't phone breathing space. I've got an app on my phone called headspace and it teaches mindfulness and meditation. After I took my tablet I stuck my headphones in. Today's session was to imagine you are sitting by a road and the cars are speeding past u. U don't like sitting there but all in all u are safe. Well the cars are thoughts and anxiety feelings and it teaches u to just lie there an accept how u are feeling and not to let it get to u. Well I have to say I fell asleep before the end of it so I'm guessing it worked at the time. Now I'm awake and I can feel the anxiety building. I know I need to hold on 2 more hours before I take the Diaz again and get sorted for bed and I'm not too sure how I'm going to get to that stage. My first thing is to try and eat a few more bits of toast, go for a walk and then a shower. I've got the rest of a stand up dvd to watch tonight as I fell asleep during it last night. All I need to do is get through till half 4 tomorrow till I see my gp. That's less than 24 hours ... I can do this can't I ?