Why do I feel this way ?

[beckster]

Heya Everyone,

This is my first post here so please go easy on me. At the moment I am really trying to get to grips with how I am feeling and how I am acting, its kinda hard to explain so maybe I should start with a little be about me first …

I am 31 years old, live on my own, have been single for 7 years and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria about 3 years ago - in plain English it means I am in the process of changing my sex. The concept of my gender is something that I have struggled with in varying degrees since I was about 4 years old but I am just about at the point where my feelings are sorted out. Changing my life this way has been such a struggle at times but its also been the most positive and rewarding thing I have ever done, its given me a life where I can actually be content. But it also feels at times that having spent so many years in denial has left an emotional trail of hurt in my past.

At the moment I am having huge problems dealing with how I feel about my best friend. She came in to my life at a point where I was feeling down about things and didn't have many friends. This friend has been so accepting of me and has done so much for not only in terms of advice and support but also in picking me up off the floor and helping me to start getting my self confidence and self esteem back. At times it’s hard for me to tell her how grateful I actually am. We often say that we feel like sisters, people have thought we are actually related to each other and there are times she has said that I am part of her family. When I go in to hospital for my surgery she has said she wants to be there when I wake up so I am not on my own and there are so many other little things that have happened between us that I know I have a friend for life. When I am with her I feel completely at ease and I don’t know why but I actually feel really safe and secure.

So why do I spend so much of my time asking myself why she hasn't called me, wondering if she is okay, trying to work out if she would mind if I called her, feeling that all I am doing is bugging her and worst of all having that stupid argument in my head about if she is actually my friend or not. Is she only my friend because she feels sorry for me ? There are times that these thoughts becomes so strong and so upsetting that I find it hard to actually get on with life. I haven't been to work this week because of it and have started having bad dreams again in which she tells me she isn't my friend anymore. You know the sort of dream you have where you wake up and are so convinced it was real that you are almost dialling her number on the phone to check it didn't actually just happen ? It’s my friends wedding anniversary this weekend so a friend of ours is coming up from London, she is staying in mine Friday and then we are both going to surprise my best friend on Saturday as she thinks it’s only me coming over and not our other friend also. Hopefully she will be okay with us both staying over but already I am getting myself would up, what if she doesn’t want us there ? What if only our other friend can stay over ? What if I end up coming home and being by myself all weekend ? Its only Thursday and already I feel like just cancelling the weekend and telling everyone to leave me alone. All I can think about is the fact she doesn't want to be my friend and doesn’t want me around, it gets that bad that I wont eat properly, cant be bothered doing anything and spend all day crying. Doing everyday things is starting to become really hard, I will start doing something and then just be stood in a room wondering what I am doing. And its so cold all the time and when I get all wound up I have these weird dizzy spells that come out of nowhere. Sleeping has become a problem agian, I struggle to get to sleep and when I do eventually nod off I feel like I falling so wake up again and can’t get back to sleep. There are occasions when I feel so down I wish I was dead but the only things that stops me is the thought of what it would do to my friends. I dont feel I could be that selfish to put them through having to live with what I had done. So I have started to cut my arms again, I know its something I shouldn't do but its better than killing myself.

I really just don’t know what to do. In all fairness to my friend this is not her problem, its mine. She is married and has two little boys so I know that her lifestyle is different from mine in so many ways. There are times we have spoken about the fact she never gets 5 minutes to herself, the comment wasn’t directed at me in particular but I am doing my best to try and support her a little by not bugging her everyday, by just giving her some space so she can ring me when she feels like and for our friendship to not reach a point where if feels like I am making her be my friend. Lol, its silly reading back over this that I know what makes me feel so bad and why I get so upset, but why can’t I just deal with how I am feeling. I don’t want to live a life where I get so down and have to take time off work just because my best friend hasn’t called me since the weekend. I don’t know if its insecurity, anxiety or depression ? Are they all different or do they sort of go hand in hand ? Should I be talking about this with my friend or should I wait for my doctors appointment on Friday and sort this out myself. I know this has been a long post but any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Becky
xx

[groovygranny]

Hi Becky, here's a big :hugs:for you.

I have just been through a situation like this with a friend quite recently. I could be almost reading about myself!

I think when we find a friend we relate to so well, because of our insecurities we fear that it might all come to an end somehow. Although I can't speak for anyone else, I have discovered this fear is irrational and is born of anxiety and any personal 'hang ups' we might have.

It also prevents us from enjoying the benefits of such a friendship to the full, and if we're not careful could even bring about the feared end of the friendship.

Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but I would like to encourage you. These thoughts are only thoughts. Don't allow them to take root and grow. It's hard, but you will then reach a point where, even though you still have the thoughts, they will have no power over you and will not prevent the continuing of the friendship.

My friend was, and is, very patient with me and the friendship is still going strong. Yes, I still have these irrational thoughts, but that is all they are now. I won't allow them to rob me of something I value highly.

Don't know if this has been of much help to you, just want you to know you're not alone :flowers:

Take care

PS: Big WELCOME to the Forums - you are amongst some amazing people here!

[Magpie]

Hi Becky, it sounds like you've got a great friend there. Unfortunately with lots of these mental conditions you develop some kind of self-destruct mechanism, and the good things in your life can become a subject of dismay because of obsessive thinking. I'm a bit like that myself.

Hopefully the Doc will be able to help you sort it out, it wouldn't hurt to discuss with your friend but I'd try and be delicate about it and make it clear you know it's just your illness getting to you and not her fault so that she knows she's done nothing wrong. You might feel relieved to get it out in the open. I'm sure you'll get through this alright, you're under a lot of pressure and you just have to keep reminding yourself that it's natural for you to have these kind of untrue thoughts because of your illness.

Also, my advice is not to worry too much about your cutting behaviour. I know some people disagree, but I find that (although it's obviously best to try and avoid it) it can be a really effective coping strategy for the worst times. My life would have been unbearable without it - maybe I wouldn't even be here now.

Hope everything went okay at the weekend, if not don't worry, there will be other weekends!

[beckster]

Heya, thanks for the hugs and the nice welcome !!

The weekend was absolutely brilliant !! I baked a huge basket of cakes for my friends anniversary on the Saturday, she loved them and so did her husband and kids. She also had a very nice surprise when she saw our other friend had come up from London, although I don’t know how we both kept her being at mine the night before a secret. We had a BBQ on the Saturday afternoon, watched Doctor Who in the evening and then sat up till 3am talking. We were back up at 7am on Sunday morning as the friend who came up from London had an audition to attend, we then spent the evening in the local A&E as she had hurt her foot. Then that night my best friend’s brother asked me out so we went for a drink together, so yep - deffo a really good weekend and all that worrying and getting wound up was for nothing !!

Groovgranny, you are not being blunt at all !! I often feel that the thing that upsets me the most is not just loosing my best friend but the thought of loosing her because of the way my fear, worry and anxiety makes me behave. Our friends sound very similar though in terms of patience as there are times I don’t know how my friend copes with me but she seems to manage and seems to want to keep on being there for me so things can’t be that bad.

Magpie, I did end up talking with my friend about how I feel and it seemed to go really well. We didn't have one long conversation, it was sort of like several conversations over the course of a few weeks as and when we could get the time. There is a lot I still haven't told her as I think she would be shocked if she really knew how I felt and there is a chance our friendship could be damaged. But she was absolutely fab and I was a little surprised how easily she understood how I felt and how readily she was not only willing to still give me the support I need but also still be my friend.

We basically agreed that I need to stop worrying about her not being there, that I need to have a bit more confidence to stand on my own two feet, to not rely on her quite so much as I do and to basically start getting on with my own life again. But we agreed that the fact we both have our own lives doesn’t mean there isn't room in them for each other. We have also talked about the fact that I have been so down lately and I have explained to my friend that I don’t want her to do anything differently, she just needs to keep being herself and that to a certain degree the only person who can help me is myself. Although I did say I would still like her there to give me a kick up the bum when I need it, something which she seems more than happy to do.

Although I am off work sick at the moment I do feel happier and as though life is starting to get back to normal, I just need to keep myself busy, get out and do new things and deal with this constant worry of being on my own and not having any friends. I have spoken to my GP and he has referred me for counselling so we will see where that leads but thank you both for your support !!

Becky
xx

[groovygranny]

It's a pleasure Becky - we're all here for each other.

And thanks for sharing your success with us !:hugs:


I'm so glad things went well....


....the only way is up now eh?

:flowers::flowers::flowers: