beckster
19-04-07, 08:16
Heya Everyone,
This is my first post here so please go easy on me. At the moment I am really trying to get to grips with how I am feeling and how I am acting, its kinda hard to explain so maybe I should start with a little be about me first …
I am 31 years old, live on my own, have been single for 7 years and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria about 3 years ago - in plain English it means I am in the process of changing my sex. The concept of my gender is something that I have struggled with in varying degrees since I was about 4 years old but I am just about at the point where my feelings are sorted out. Changing my life this way has been such a struggle at times but its also been the most positive and rewarding thing I have ever done, its given me a life where I can actually be content. But it also feels at times that having spent so many years in denial has left an emotional trail of hurt in my past.
At the moment I am having huge problems dealing with how I feel about my best friend. She came in to my life at a point where I was feeling down about things and didn't have many friends. This friend has been so accepting of me and has done so much for not only in terms of advice and support but also in picking me up off the floor and helping me to start getting my self confidence and self esteem back. At times it’s hard for me to tell her how grateful I actually am. We often say that we feel like sisters, people have thought we are actually related to each other and there are times she has said that I am part of her family. When I go in to hospital for my surgery she has said she wants to be there when I wake up so I am not on my own and there are so many other little things that have happened between us that I know I have a friend for life. When I am with her I feel completely at ease and I don’t know why but I actually feel really safe and secure.
So why do I spend so much of my time asking myself why she hasn't called me, wondering if she is okay, trying to work out if she would mind if I called her, feeling that all I am doing is bugging her and worst of all having that stupid argument in my head about if she is actually my friend or not. Is she only my friend because she feels sorry for me ? There are times that these thoughts becomes so strong and so upsetting that I find it hard to actually get on with life. I haven't been to work this week because of it and have started having bad dreams again in which she tells me she isn't my friend anymore. You know the sort of dream you have where you wake up and are so convinced it was real that you are almost dialling her number on the phone to check it didn't actually just happen ? It’s my friends wedding anniversary this weekend so a friend of ours is coming up from London, she is staying in mine Friday and then we are both going to surprise my best friend on Saturday as she thinks it’s only me coming over and not our other friend also. Hopefully she will be okay with us both staying over but already I am getting myself would up, what if she doesn’t want us there ? What if only our other friend can stay over ? What if I end up coming home and being by myself all weekend ? Its only Thursday and already I feel like just cancelling the weekend and telling everyone to leave me alone. All I can think about is the fact she doesn't want to be my friend and doesn’t want me around, it gets that bad that I wont eat properly, cant be bothered doing anything and spend all day crying. Doing everyday things is starting to become really hard, I will start doing something and then just be stood in a room wondering what I am doing. And its so cold all the time and when I get all wound up I have these weird dizzy spells that come out of nowhere. Sleeping has become a problem agian, I struggle to get to sleep and when I do eventually nod off I feel like I falling so wake up again and can’t get back to sleep. There are occasions when I feel so down I wish I was dead but the only things that stops me is the thought of what it would do to my friends. I dont feel I could be that selfish to put them through having to live with what I had done. So I have started to cut my arms again, I know its something I shouldn't do but its better than killing myself.
I really just don’t know what to do. In all fairness to my friend this is not her problem, its mine. She is married and has two little boys so I know that her lifestyle is different from mine in so many ways. There are times we have spoken about the fact she never gets 5 minutes to herself, the comment wasn’t directed at me in particular but I am doing my best to try and support her a little by not bugging her everyday, by just giving her some space so she can ring me when she feels like and for our friendship to not reach a point where if feels like I am making her be my friend. Lol, its silly reading back over this that I know what makes me feel so bad and why I get so upset, but why can’t I just deal with how I am feeling. I don’t want to live a life where I get so down and have to take time off work just because my best friend hasn’t called me since the weekend. I don’t know if its insecurity, anxiety or depression ? Are they all different or do they sort of go hand in hand ? Should I be talking about this with my friend or should I wait for my doctors appointment on Friday and sort this out myself. I know this has been a long post but any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Becky
xx
This is my first post here so please go easy on me. At the moment I am really trying to get to grips with how I am feeling and how I am acting, its kinda hard to explain so maybe I should start with a little be about me first …
I am 31 years old, live on my own, have been single for 7 years and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria about 3 years ago - in plain English it means I am in the process of changing my sex. The concept of my gender is something that I have struggled with in varying degrees since I was about 4 years old but I am just about at the point where my feelings are sorted out. Changing my life this way has been such a struggle at times but its also been the most positive and rewarding thing I have ever done, its given me a life where I can actually be content. But it also feels at times that having spent so many years in denial has left an emotional trail of hurt in my past.
At the moment I am having huge problems dealing with how I feel about my best friend. She came in to my life at a point where I was feeling down about things and didn't have many friends. This friend has been so accepting of me and has done so much for not only in terms of advice and support but also in picking me up off the floor and helping me to start getting my self confidence and self esteem back. At times it’s hard for me to tell her how grateful I actually am. We often say that we feel like sisters, people have thought we are actually related to each other and there are times she has said that I am part of her family. When I go in to hospital for my surgery she has said she wants to be there when I wake up so I am not on my own and there are so many other little things that have happened between us that I know I have a friend for life. When I am with her I feel completely at ease and I don’t know why but I actually feel really safe and secure.
So why do I spend so much of my time asking myself why she hasn't called me, wondering if she is okay, trying to work out if she would mind if I called her, feeling that all I am doing is bugging her and worst of all having that stupid argument in my head about if she is actually my friend or not. Is she only my friend because she feels sorry for me ? There are times that these thoughts becomes so strong and so upsetting that I find it hard to actually get on with life. I haven't been to work this week because of it and have started having bad dreams again in which she tells me she isn't my friend anymore. You know the sort of dream you have where you wake up and are so convinced it was real that you are almost dialling her number on the phone to check it didn't actually just happen ? It’s my friends wedding anniversary this weekend so a friend of ours is coming up from London, she is staying in mine Friday and then we are both going to surprise my best friend on Saturday as she thinks it’s only me coming over and not our other friend also. Hopefully she will be okay with us both staying over but already I am getting myself would up, what if she doesn’t want us there ? What if only our other friend can stay over ? What if I end up coming home and being by myself all weekend ? Its only Thursday and already I feel like just cancelling the weekend and telling everyone to leave me alone. All I can think about is the fact she doesn't want to be my friend and doesn’t want me around, it gets that bad that I wont eat properly, cant be bothered doing anything and spend all day crying. Doing everyday things is starting to become really hard, I will start doing something and then just be stood in a room wondering what I am doing. And its so cold all the time and when I get all wound up I have these weird dizzy spells that come out of nowhere. Sleeping has become a problem agian, I struggle to get to sleep and when I do eventually nod off I feel like I falling so wake up again and can’t get back to sleep. There are occasions when I feel so down I wish I was dead but the only things that stops me is the thought of what it would do to my friends. I dont feel I could be that selfish to put them through having to live with what I had done. So I have started to cut my arms again, I know its something I shouldn't do but its better than killing myself.
I really just don’t know what to do. In all fairness to my friend this is not her problem, its mine. She is married and has two little boys so I know that her lifestyle is different from mine in so many ways. There are times we have spoken about the fact she never gets 5 minutes to herself, the comment wasn’t directed at me in particular but I am doing my best to try and support her a little by not bugging her everyday, by just giving her some space so she can ring me when she feels like and for our friendship to not reach a point where if feels like I am making her be my friend. Lol, its silly reading back over this that I know what makes me feel so bad and why I get so upset, but why can’t I just deal with how I am feeling. I don’t want to live a life where I get so down and have to take time off work just because my best friend hasn’t called me since the weekend. I don’t know if its insecurity, anxiety or depression ? Are they all different or do they sort of go hand in hand ? Should I be talking about this with my friend or should I wait for my doctors appointment on Friday and sort this out myself. I know this has been a long post but any help or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Becky
xx