charliejadesmi
14-02-17, 15:55
Hello,
It's quite weird writing on a forum, I've never asked for or sought help before. I am just going to write and whatever is at the end, is at the end, making sense or not... (can you tell my brain is scrambled already?). I will write my sarcastic brain comments in-between some asterisks...
I am 24 years old and I have been suffering with anxiety since I was about 9/10 years old and I think its about time I try not cope on my own.
My story:
I used to hyperventilate just before I was about to go into a Maths lesson (I hated Maths and still do!). This went on for a while, I had brain scans, blood tests but all was clear. *I guess you're fine then?*
I've had problems with the world ending in 2012, deaths in the family and so much time off work in recent years. I feel a mess
I've never been diagnosed with a specific anxiety disorder, only ever signed off work with some beta blockers and anti-depressants, with the reason for being signed off: Anxiety/Depression.
I don't agree with medication, but if the doctor prescribes this then I will try it. I ended up taking myself off of the anti depressants (every time I have been put on them). They have only made me feel numb (in some ways a good thing!!), like I couldn't feel any emotion and I was so scared I was going to become addictive (I have an addictive personality!). I was dis functional and completely unaware of my surroundings (I nearly got run over by a car - my friend thankfully pulled me back out of the road!)
I have panic attacks, night sweats, headaches, weight loss (I went down to 7st 12b just before Christmas - I'm 5ft 8"!!!), all the usual symptoms when my anxiety is bad, or is this even anxiety? *Constantly questioning yourself - are you sure you're not making this all up*
My palms are sweating as I write this!
It feels as though I have two people in my brain, the actual me, and then the me that I hate. I constantly question myself, if I'm making the right decision (even on the littlest of things... what do you want for dinner? I'll say chicken.. but then I'll think, is that the right answer? *what are you going on about??????*
I don't feel like I know what happy feels like, weird thing to say considering I have a full time job, a home with the best boyfriend and our lovely cats, a loving family and a good group of friends, yet... I'm not happy? *are you sure you're not a hypochondriac?*
MY BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY JUDGING ME and I really cant cope.
I don't feel like I appreciate everything in my life, even though I do. I really, really do!
I hate my job, but I am looking for other job and will soon have interviews lined up so I'm moving in the right direction with this. But I cannot physically take myself to work, I panic, I dread the drive (its only half hour down the road) and I just cannot face walking into that building. I've thought on more occasions "how would I be able to get away with burning the building down and no one finding out its me" *JUST DO IT*
I feel detached I guess is the right word, like I don't feel anything, like my life is going on and I have no control over it or my happiness, but does happiness even exist?
If I was to write down everything I felt right now, you'd be sat here reading all night and I know we've all got "normal" lives to be getting back to.
Me and my boyfriend fight because I struggle to tell him everything *its not that there's anything to tell*. I get frustrated because he doesn't understand, no one does. But how can he understand if I completely block everyone out. If anything ever negative in my life happens, could be really really small or to something big, I'll instantly block it from my mind so I don't have to think about it and a barrier goes up.
I have just started to write him a letter to at least try and explain so we'll see how that goes I guess.
I just wanted someone to call or speak to this morning when I had a panic attack on my own at home but I ran the people who are closest to me in my mind and thought "don't interrupt their day with your boring problems". I have a doctors appointment booked for Monday, but its gunna be the same old story I've always heard "here's some tablets - see you in a couple of weeks"
I just needed someone to tell me it will be okay. The suicidal thoughts are awful, I just want to run away and never come back sometimes.
I know I'm not, but I totally feel alone and want some reassurance that I do have an anxiety disorder of some sort, I'm not going mental and I'm going to be okay?
Am I?
It's quite weird writing on a forum, I've never asked for or sought help before. I am just going to write and whatever is at the end, is at the end, making sense or not... (can you tell my brain is scrambled already?). I will write my sarcastic brain comments in-between some asterisks...
I am 24 years old and I have been suffering with anxiety since I was about 9/10 years old and I think its about time I try not cope on my own.
My story:
I used to hyperventilate just before I was about to go into a Maths lesson (I hated Maths and still do!). This went on for a while, I had brain scans, blood tests but all was clear. *I guess you're fine then?*
I've had problems with the world ending in 2012, deaths in the family and so much time off work in recent years. I feel a mess
I've never been diagnosed with a specific anxiety disorder, only ever signed off work with some beta blockers and anti-depressants, with the reason for being signed off: Anxiety/Depression.
I don't agree with medication, but if the doctor prescribes this then I will try it. I ended up taking myself off of the anti depressants (every time I have been put on them). They have only made me feel numb (in some ways a good thing!!), like I couldn't feel any emotion and I was so scared I was going to become addictive (I have an addictive personality!). I was dis functional and completely unaware of my surroundings (I nearly got run over by a car - my friend thankfully pulled me back out of the road!)
I have panic attacks, night sweats, headaches, weight loss (I went down to 7st 12b just before Christmas - I'm 5ft 8"!!!), all the usual symptoms when my anxiety is bad, or is this even anxiety? *Constantly questioning yourself - are you sure you're not making this all up*
My palms are sweating as I write this!
It feels as though I have two people in my brain, the actual me, and then the me that I hate. I constantly question myself, if I'm making the right decision (even on the littlest of things... what do you want for dinner? I'll say chicken.. but then I'll think, is that the right answer? *what are you going on about??????*
I don't feel like I know what happy feels like, weird thing to say considering I have a full time job, a home with the best boyfriend and our lovely cats, a loving family and a good group of friends, yet... I'm not happy? *are you sure you're not a hypochondriac?*
MY BRAIN IS CONSTANTLY JUDGING ME and I really cant cope.
I don't feel like I appreciate everything in my life, even though I do. I really, really do!
I hate my job, but I am looking for other job and will soon have interviews lined up so I'm moving in the right direction with this. But I cannot physically take myself to work, I panic, I dread the drive (its only half hour down the road) and I just cannot face walking into that building. I've thought on more occasions "how would I be able to get away with burning the building down and no one finding out its me" *JUST DO IT*
I feel detached I guess is the right word, like I don't feel anything, like my life is going on and I have no control over it or my happiness, but does happiness even exist?
If I was to write down everything I felt right now, you'd be sat here reading all night and I know we've all got "normal" lives to be getting back to.
Me and my boyfriend fight because I struggle to tell him everything *its not that there's anything to tell*. I get frustrated because he doesn't understand, no one does. But how can he understand if I completely block everyone out. If anything ever negative in my life happens, could be really really small or to something big, I'll instantly block it from my mind so I don't have to think about it and a barrier goes up.
I have just started to write him a letter to at least try and explain so we'll see how that goes I guess.
I just wanted someone to call or speak to this morning when I had a panic attack on my own at home but I ran the people who are closest to me in my mind and thought "don't interrupt their day with your boring problems". I have a doctors appointment booked for Monday, but its gunna be the same old story I've always heard "here's some tablets - see you in a couple of weeks"
I just needed someone to tell me it will be okay. The suicidal thoughts are awful, I just want to run away and never come back sometimes.
I know I'm not, but I totally feel alone and want some reassurance that I do have an anxiety disorder of some sort, I'm not going mental and I'm going to be okay?
Am I?