Relationship breakup over anxiety

[Kay92]

I've have been in a 6 month relationship, and the whole time I've suffered from severe anxiety, this portrays it's self in being scared of the future, being scared of rejection, and being scared of failure. Mostly it comes out when I see everyone around me successful, and I struggle with the judgment of others.
He is the most kindest and real gentleman I have ever met, he always called me beautiful, always held the door open, he brought me the most beautiful presents for my Christmas and birthday last week, he always acted like an exciteable puppy around me BUT I was his first girlfriend and he had never dealt with mental health before, he had his shit totally together and he wanted to take things extra slow, he didn't know how to help me, and the pressure I put him under to get reassurance that we would last and we'd have a huge future together scared him so we broke up a month ago, then I tried so hard to get him back and we finally got back together. I did the exact same thing AGAIN. I'm so petrified I'm never going to have a real family. I'm 25, I don't drive, I left uni because of my anxiety, I have an 11 hour per week job wich gives me no money, and I've had to move back in with my dad wich is 2 hours away from him.
I panicked and wanted something to show for myself so I wasn't a total looser, I tried to get him to move in with me, because you know, that's exactly what he'd wanna do after he had broken up with me because of the negativity I was putting on the relationship!? I'm such an IDIOT ...I wanted him to tell me we were the real deal. But he couldn't because he didn't know, he just wanted us to go slow, calm and chilled for a very long time.
my anxiety and the pressure I had created...He ended it. He told me to leave him alone for good, Being single was best for him, my anxiety became to muchB that I was making him unhealthy. My constant unhappiness ruined the one thing that made me happy.
The worst thing is I really really love him, I treated him like his feelings didn't matter, but he mattered so much because he's the only person that really cared for me.
I had a huge anxiety attack the night he called us off and I tried to kill myself brutally, he rang me and guided my brother to find me, he said on the phone he'd be there for me and we would still hang out, but as soon as that phone went down, he was gone.
He won't reply to me at all, he told my brother that talking to me now will make things worse.
If I didn't have anxiety, I know we would have been perfect together because we got on like a house on fire. He was my best friend. He was the light in all the darkness.
What do I do now? I don't even know how to cope, I could really do with some advice. Because I'm more scared now than ever, and I feel very much alone. And I miss him. I just want my best friend back

[beatroon]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

As someone with anxiety who is in a relationship which has often been threatened by my poor mental health, I can understand what you've been through. It sounds like you feel quite fragile and vulnerable right now after being highly anxious for a few months.

From what you say, I think you should contact your healthcare provider and consider some additional support, particularly if you are considering suicide. I'm not sure where in the world you are located but if the UK, there is the Samaritans who are very good and you could also consider talking to family or friends. It's important to make sure you don't go through this difficult time alone. And if the anxiety has caused you such a lot of problems in recent months, it is definitely worth finding out what else you can have to help it calm down so that you can work on such problems in the future.

I feel a lot of low self-esteem coming from your post, and want to reassure you that we all feel like we aren't doing well enough, pretty much all the time. Even millionaires want more money, people who are successful want more success - you are worried about being 25, but from my ripe old age of 36 that is no age at all! You have plenty of time to craft a life that you can be proud of and I am sure you have all the resources to do so. Perhaps consider what a survivor you are, managing with anxiety? It truly is a vicious beast and I always think we sufferers are the ultimate optimists - we just have to trust that each day will be better than the last. As a wise friend once said, don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

I wish you all the best in feeling better.