nomorepanic
19-04-07, 23:18
Hi all
As many of you know I have one main problem in my life and that is driving and I have made some fab progress towards overcoming it last year.
I thought I was cured until today!
I have to drive down the A14 every morning to get to work (2.5 miles) and there are always problems and accidents on it.
Today I drove up to it and could see it was stationary and they were queuing up the slip road so I decided to try the back route. Bad move! 15 minutes later and I had done about 1 mile and I knew that it was only 2.5 miles on the A14 and was moving just about as fast I was on the back roads.
So, I turned round and went back on the A14.
I was feeling a bit nervous but thought that it would be a good challenge as I hadn’t been stuck in traffic like this with no way out for a long time.
Off I went. You have to appreciate that this is my worst fear ever and I decided to face it.
We sat there and we moved a few yards every minute.
Then the road starts to go up and over the road below so gets quite high (well high enough if you don’t like heights!!). This is normally ok in the morning as the traffic is moving so I drive over it pretty quick and don’t notice it.
There are no pulling over places and nowhere to stop and nowhere to get off until the turn-off in over 2 miles.
I thought I was doing ok then wham it hit me – anxiety build big time. Feeling dizzy, shaky – you guys know it all.
Fine except I am stuck on the A14, can’t get off and can’t run away. Nowhere to go.
Lorry in front, lorry behind, lorry to the side – feel really shut in and hate it. Can’t see over the Lorries or around them.
So I start the deep breathing and playing with things in the glove compartment to distract myself. Not working. Try to remember what they said in CBT – would be ok if I wasn’t stuck and high up as the height fear is making things worse!
Traffic news says major delays cos lorry turned over so no idea how long I am stuck on there.
We start to drive up higher and I hate heights so now even if I dumped the car and ran, where would I go??? Stuck and getting very panicky.
Thoughts going through my head of how on earth I will get off. Can’t abandon car and walk the 1 mile (as it now was) there or the mile back so I am stuck.
Just me and the traffic and the car and my thoughts and panic.
Can’t control it so call Alex and ask him to talk to me and calm me down (he is good at this – done it so many times before bless him). He talks to me and I count down the mile and the yards to go before I can get off. I see the lorry overturned in road so see an end to it all.
At last I am off – nearly in tears and hands shaking.
Get to the office and walk in calm as anything and say sorry I was late – stuck on A14 (they already guessed that anyway).
Wanting to cry but having to hold it together as they know nothing about my problems.
So what have I learnt that is positive from this – thought it may help some of you. Here are some positives and negative thoughts:
“oh god I feel awful” – yes and I have been here so many times before and it just a feeling. Nothing bad will happen. I have never fainted or died!
“I can’t cope” – yes you can, you have coped with far worse that this and got through it.
“I can’t just leave the car and walk away” – you can but then what do you do? How do you get off the A14. You are safer in the car. Ok you abandon the car and cause more chaos and then still have to go and get it later and walk a long way.
“I hate this and can’t cope” – yes you can and you will. You have no choice. You are stuck on a road with no way off. You have to cope so JFDI. No-one can tele-port you out of this so deal with it and know you will be ok.
“I failed cos I called Alex and I am supposed to cope alone” – this is not failing it is using your backup help and support. You do not fail just cos you call someone and ask them to distract you. Look at it rationally – what did Alex did to help? Did he come and get you and drive you off the A14. No, all he did was reassure you that you were ok and that you would be fine. I was the one driving – not him.
“I will feel rubbish all day now cos I am all hyper and stressed” – no you won’t! Forget it, it is done and dusted. It can’t hurt you now and to dwell on it serves no purpose. You have a job to go to and you have to give that 100%. You can cry and sulk later if you want to.
“I will never go back on that road again” – oh yes you will cos avoidance will make it 10 times worse and then you will never do it. You will be back there again tomorrow and you will cope.
Just some thoughts anyway and I bet you have all had them. Thought it may help if I explained my thought process and how to challenge them.
It will be hard to get back on that road again when I see a traffic jam and of course I will remember today but part of our recover is to challenge, accept and move on.
No idea if this helps anyone but thought I would share it anyway.
As many of you know I have one main problem in my life and that is driving and I have made some fab progress towards overcoming it last year.
I thought I was cured until today!
I have to drive down the A14 every morning to get to work (2.5 miles) and there are always problems and accidents on it.
Today I drove up to it and could see it was stationary and they were queuing up the slip road so I decided to try the back route. Bad move! 15 minutes later and I had done about 1 mile and I knew that it was only 2.5 miles on the A14 and was moving just about as fast I was on the back roads.
So, I turned round and went back on the A14.
I was feeling a bit nervous but thought that it would be a good challenge as I hadn’t been stuck in traffic like this with no way out for a long time.
Off I went. You have to appreciate that this is my worst fear ever and I decided to face it.
We sat there and we moved a few yards every minute.
Then the road starts to go up and over the road below so gets quite high (well high enough if you don’t like heights!!). This is normally ok in the morning as the traffic is moving so I drive over it pretty quick and don’t notice it.
There are no pulling over places and nowhere to stop and nowhere to get off until the turn-off in over 2 miles.
I thought I was doing ok then wham it hit me – anxiety build big time. Feeling dizzy, shaky – you guys know it all.
Fine except I am stuck on the A14, can’t get off and can’t run away. Nowhere to go.
Lorry in front, lorry behind, lorry to the side – feel really shut in and hate it. Can’t see over the Lorries or around them.
So I start the deep breathing and playing with things in the glove compartment to distract myself. Not working. Try to remember what they said in CBT – would be ok if I wasn’t stuck and high up as the height fear is making things worse!
Traffic news says major delays cos lorry turned over so no idea how long I am stuck on there.
We start to drive up higher and I hate heights so now even if I dumped the car and ran, where would I go??? Stuck and getting very panicky.
Thoughts going through my head of how on earth I will get off. Can’t abandon car and walk the 1 mile (as it now was) there or the mile back so I am stuck.
Just me and the traffic and the car and my thoughts and panic.
Can’t control it so call Alex and ask him to talk to me and calm me down (he is good at this – done it so many times before bless him). He talks to me and I count down the mile and the yards to go before I can get off. I see the lorry overturned in road so see an end to it all.
At last I am off – nearly in tears and hands shaking.
Get to the office and walk in calm as anything and say sorry I was late – stuck on A14 (they already guessed that anyway).
Wanting to cry but having to hold it together as they know nothing about my problems.
So what have I learnt that is positive from this – thought it may help some of you. Here are some positives and negative thoughts:
“oh god I feel awful” – yes and I have been here so many times before and it just a feeling. Nothing bad will happen. I have never fainted or died!
“I can’t cope” – yes you can, you have coped with far worse that this and got through it.
“I can’t just leave the car and walk away” – you can but then what do you do? How do you get off the A14. You are safer in the car. Ok you abandon the car and cause more chaos and then still have to go and get it later and walk a long way.
“I hate this and can’t cope” – yes you can and you will. You have no choice. You are stuck on a road with no way off. You have to cope so JFDI. No-one can tele-port you out of this so deal with it and know you will be ok.
“I failed cos I called Alex and I am supposed to cope alone” – this is not failing it is using your backup help and support. You do not fail just cos you call someone and ask them to distract you. Look at it rationally – what did Alex did to help? Did he come and get you and drive you off the A14. No, all he did was reassure you that you were ok and that you would be fine. I was the one driving – not him.
“I will feel rubbish all day now cos I am all hyper and stressed” – no you won’t! Forget it, it is done and dusted. It can’t hurt you now and to dwell on it serves no purpose. You have a job to go to and you have to give that 100%. You can cry and sulk later if you want to.
“I will never go back on that road again” – oh yes you will cos avoidance will make it 10 times worse and then you will never do it. You will be back there again tomorrow and you will cope.
Just some thoughts anyway and I bet you have all had them. Thought it may help if I explained my thought process and how to challenge them.
It will be hard to get back on that road again when I see a traffic jam and of course I will remember today but part of our recover is to challenge, accept and move on.
No idea if this helps anyone but thought I would share it anyway.