I've had a really bad day.

[Dbsworrier]

I just don't know what to do or think anymore.

So you may have seen I've posted numerous threads about thinking about my walking/ talking etc. Well today things got a hell of a lot weirder and scarier and I'm a complete shadow of myself.

So the first thing that triggered me today was actually being over confident. I was chatting away to someone in the pharmacy when I realised, woah I just spoke and had no control over it what so ever. This was just the start of things.

So anyway, I forced myself to travel into London despite the fact I've had numerous troubles with trying to work out how I'm even walking. Then it hit, me. I can actually make sense of my walking today!....but this made me worry. 'How come I can suddenly understand this? I must be messed up in the head'.

Then I started worrying about something that kept me up last night. I couldn't make sense of why so many jobs on a job site were 'customer service' that's right, how completely ludicrous and specific is that? I kept thinking that this must have been an invention of my mind or something, or the world has just gone mad.

Then Came the automatic thinking. I seemed to be doing stuff without telling myself to do it. It felt like these thoughts didn't belong to me. I also then started to worry that I was doing normal every day things and not just living in this separate world I've created.

And finally the thing that has scared me the most, or not scared me. I don't even know anymore l, this is how strange I feel. I was getting the train home from Paddington and started thinking about what it would be like to be hit by a train. A normal me would wince at the thought, but today I was thinking I wouldn't feel a thing, it wouldn't hurt. So now I have this completely numb feeling thinking, 'am I suicidal? I don't think I want to jump in front of a train, but I don't know if I will'. It feels like I've got a completely altered state of perception and I don't know what I might do and that scares me/ maybe scares me, I just don't know anymore!

So I'm lying here in bed, a shell of a human being, not knowing about my own capabilities anymore. What should I do? Can anyone reassure me? Is it just a faze? What the hell is wrong with me. I'm so sorry for the pity party, I'm just at my wits end.

[Clydesdale Epona]

Don't take this the wrong way but i was just wondering if you're currently getting or have gotten any help? i was in a similar position in about late 2014 and eventually just stopped functioning, i am doing much more better after some CBT and self help, it's hard work but with determination you can do it, if you're feeling lost with i would defo chat to your GP to see what they can offer x

All the best :hugs:

[Dbsworrier]

Hey Aiden, thanks for the reply.

I think it's reached the point where I'm going to have to seek help though right now I'm frightened of what I'm capable of if I even go outside tomorrow.

I think everything is made ten times worse by the fact I'm so disillusioned with my gp surgery. They only have one actual doctor based there, all the others are locoms. Every time you go you see someone different and have to explain the same things over and over again and you can tell they don't really understand or really care.

Also part of my problem has always been that I can't seem to get any motivation to go, or book appointments, I need someone to hold my hand through it and nobody seems to want to help.

[Clydesdale Epona]

Ah I see, is there any resources where you live? I managed to refer myself for CBT as my GP wasn't a big help either, there's usually websites and leaflets around, the best thing to try is to see a doctor and just explain that you're suffering badly with anxiety and you'd like a referral to somewhere, I know how hard it can be as after finally getting referred my partner had to drag me to a few appointments before I finally got the motivation to keep it up alone, I know I can't offer a physical hand but if you ever need advice, encouragement, or support over it just drop me a message :)

All the best :hugs:

[Dbsworrier]

Do you know where I could go online to self refer?

Also how do you go about opening up to your partner about it. I mean I struggle to talk at the moment cos I can't really understand how I'm doing it. My other half knows I have anxiety problems, but has no idea about how whacked out I really am at the mo. I'm afraid I'll sound really stupid/ it will scare her and she'll think I've totally lost it.

Btw thanks for taking the time to reply in detail.