View Full Version : What if you don't enjoy being around others
I have social anxiety (generalised anxiety but includes SA) but also really have no interest in being around others.
My anxiety is still a problem though as I find it difficult getting served in some shops (I go to self serve whenever possible), hate eating in public and find it hard to go outdoors alone.
I've had suggestions like meeting more people to overcome my anxiety but how can I do this when I absolutely hate socialising. I share very few interests with most people, have no interest in talking about the weather, the news, politics, I'm seriously not interested in most things.
I'm going to a wedding later this year and it fills me with absolute dread, not only because I'm very anxious socially, but also because I feel nothing. I don't get all bubbly when people get married or pregnant. I don't think getting married is a big deal for anybody other than the couple and this causes yet further social anxiety and makes me want to socialise even less as I don't want people to dislike me because of those things.
It makes me so nervous thinking I'm just completely boring. I don't think I'm an unlikeable person, but nor am I much fun to be around. Because of this I don't really have any interest in making new friends. What would be the point? Even at family get togethers I'm the outcast, everybody is talking and laughing and I just don't want to join in as I don't think what they're laughing about is funny.
I do want to meet a male partner (not in the near future as I'm newly single after 11 years), I really want a solid, intimate relationship, but for one I'm very anxious around people, especially men my age, and secondly I don't think I have anything to offer anybody.
I just don't know how to overcome this. Being around others is mentally exhausting. I could meet somebody for say a cuppa and a chat for an hour, but then that would be me done for the day (or week).
I also hate the sunny days, which is another things I hate about myself as people think I'm nuts. I'm scared to let people know the real me (obviously not on here as I don't feel judged here), which perpetuates my social anxiety.
GlassPinata
25-02-17, 15:21
Hey, we have a lot in common. I also prefer rainy days to sunny; in fact, my mood is quite elevated on rainy days. Weird, huh?
I also don't like large or loud social gatherings, nor overly formal ones.
At my age, i no longer see this as a problem that needs to be fixed. It's just my preference. It's how I am.
I do enjoy (most of the time) hanging out with one or two close friends, especially if we are just watching a movie at my house, or hanging out at the park with our kids. Even if we actually go out somewhere, i'm pretty happy, as long as I am spending time with people I actually care about, people who I feel understand me and accept me.
As far as dealing with a large crowd... it's just something I avoid if possible, and if it's not possible I grin and bear it, and leave as soon as I can.
I think it's fine to be happy in your own company, Keekee - there's lots of people that would envy you that skill. I think the world is full of all different types of people, some who need lots of social interaction and others who need more alone-time. I for one find small-talk really hard and really boring (and weddings….god, what a snore), I'd rather be talking about big things or just sitting watching a film. So, you aren't alone in often preferring to be alone, and there's nothing wrong with it. I wouldn't beat yourself up or feel that you are boring or not worthy because of it. I sense that you're giving yourself a really hard time and that's perpetuating the anxiety.
If you do want to overcome the social anxiety, what might help is finding other people who are into the same kinds of things as you, and have a similar limited tolerance for contact! Maybe you could try a Meetup group based around what your interests are, so that you're actually interacting with people you will have things to talk about to.
I'm also going to say the obvious thing which is that if you're not enjoying much or interested in much, that can be a symptom of depression. It might help to treat that first (if indeed you are depressed) and then see whether the new-found joy in life makes things feel easier.
Best of luck! You'll be fine x
TBH KeeKee I too don't like weddings either, feel with you it's more deep rooted than you can imagine this is what I think. You don't like socialising much well I think the reason(s) behind this are you don't feel very highly about your self and feel you have nothing to offer am I right? You have low self esteem oh no one is going to want to know me, again am I right? I used to think like you all the time. Beatroon is right on this the dreaded 'D' word which I can relate to, but not so much now cause I intentended to do something about it and wanting to be own your own in my book isn't good for your mind or soul if it's all the time.I personally had 'too' much time on my own and want to get to the point where I am enjoying time out etc but then come home for some me time, which is then greatly appreciated you get me!
about 6 weeks ago and beyond that I wasn't enjoying my me time why cause that's all I had was my me time. Have a think about it KeeKee as I have now moved on and actually looking forward to a pint and meal out tonight, then come home and chill and I will enjoy both :yesyes: Stay where you are if you want, but you wont find happiness, I can honestly say that! Cheers
Catherine S
25-02-17, 17:03
It must be a double edged sword for you Keekee, on one side you don't enjoy being around others and on the other side you often feel lonely as you've said in previous posts. I've never had a big circle of friends, just a few good ones like you and my family of course. But living in Germany at the mo means there's nobody except my other half. ..and he's asleep in the armchair as I write :lac:
I'm fortunate in that I'm ok in my own company and always have been, I can fill my time up or just daydream and don't feel lonely, but I know it's not like that for everyone. Don't get me wrong, I miss my kids and grandkids loads and can sometimes feel sad about being so far away from them but I can Skype them so I still get to see them.
Im ok in social settings but like you I don't like crowds, but that's because I'm claustrophobic rather than not liking people around me. Anyway, just wanted to say in a round about way that you're not alone, there are alot of people here who feel as you do.
ISB ☺ x
GlassPinata
25-02-17, 18:54
I also dislike sunny hot days. Well the sun is ok but not he heat and humidity. I can't stand how 99% of people talk about it being "a lovely day" when I'm suffering so much. Rain is great, and so is snow and really strong wind! I also love winter evenings when it gets dark early.
I also hate formal occasions like weddings. Not that I'm ever invited to such events of course, as I don't know anyone. There is a possibility of having to go to a wedding in 2018 or 2019 though and I'm already dreading it, and it'll be probably the only wedding I wouldn't be able to say no to.
I'm very lonely, single, and fed up with it. I just want to meet people and spend time with them. People don't usually give me a chance though, even though they often like me face to face. It's very rare for me to get that to that point with anyone though. I have nothing to offer a potential partner other than my personality, and I think I have loads of good positive points. I never meet a woman who wants someone with little money, no car and no place of my own. One thing I really cannot stand is when people say, "You won't find anyone to love you until you love yourself". That is such a load of rubbish and it drives me potty that people always use that nonsense statement! There are so many examples from my own life and others that prove it's nonsense.
I don't like crowds but I do want to meet people one on one. That's partly why I joined these forums, to try and find like-minded people who might actually accept me the way I am.
---------- Post added at 18:37 ---------- Previous post was at 17:39 ----------
GlassPinata - I tried to reply to the post you wrote in reply to me, but I saw you deleted your post. I just want to say in response that you have no idea of anything about me, and why I'm in the situation I'm in. I'm not divorced, as you suggesting, and I'm not "wallowing in self-pitty", as you suggested. There is a lot to me and my situation and I cannot stand women who pre-judge others, and "expect" everyone to be exactly the same as them. I hoped people in forums like this wouldn't be so shallow but would instead be accepting and understanding. Relationships should be about love, not about what people have and how they cope with life. I guess I come from another planet. I wish you luck finding Mr Perfect.
Yes, I deleted it because I realized it came across as potentially insulting.
I am not looking for "Mr Perfect". In fact, I have not dated for over a year.
I am just saying, I cannot support another dependent, when it comes to men.
I need a man who can pull his own weight. Not a rich man- a self-supporting man.
I have a preschooler to support.
This is not a moral judgment, it is sheer practicality.
Unless and until that man appears, I will not be dating anyone.
---------- Post added at 18:54 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
You're absolutely right that it was insulting, and to me personally as it was in response to my post. You're completely welcome to make your own choices for your own reasons of course, but you shouldn't write-off decent men just because they aren't as fortunate as others. You haven't dated for a year? WOW, is that all? I haven't dated for 12 years, mainly due to shallow women who make excuses rather than being honest and admitting they're shallow.
How is that shallow?
Goodness, I don't want anything from anyone! I work over fifty hours a week!
I do not take any state or government assistance.
I want a man who is as strong as I am, who works like I do and supports himself and his children (if any).
I do not judge anyone who is incapable of doing this, but this is what I need.
I meant no offense. I am sure the perfect partner for you is out there.
It's just... I am very poor and I need a man who is able to pay his own way. I've had several bad experiences with men who thought they could leech off me. This has nothing to do with you, I don't even know you.
Peace?
I absolutely hate socialising
I don't get all bubbly when people get married or pregnant.
I share very few interests with most people
Cool! You sound like my kind of girl! :)
Wow, nice to see I'm not alone. Thank you all for replying.
GlassPinata, my mood slightly elevates when it's rainy too. That mixed with my fave music and I feel so much better in comparison to the blinding sun, where I spend most of my time squinting (hate wearing glasses of any sort) and sweating.
Beatroon, yep I do enjoy being alone. I love listening to music alone, reading alone and even watching certain TV programmes I'd prefer to be alone (although The Walking Dead doesn't feel the same without my ex), I don't mind company with people I'm close to,but even that has to be relatively short or I'll get agitated and start feeling lower.
I do meet a relative weekly for a cuppa and it gets me out the house for a couple of hours and I enjoy it. It's not amazing or anything ha but it's nice to get out for a bit. I also rarely meet a friend for food and enioy that, but I uses to go to their house and could've died of boredom (nothing to do with my friend I just hate sitting in peoples houses, I've got my own house for that with my own things to keep me occupied). I do have depression, I'm not 100% but I believe it's caused mainly by my BDD.
Bigboy I do think my low self esteem enhances my dislike of socialising, but I have always been a loner even prior to that. I've only had anxiety for 4 years (it's actually my 4th anniversary next month) and even prior to that I found socialising stressful. I used to work before all this anxiety stuff and I was OK with colleagues one on one but when in a group (such as going for a meal) I just wanted to get home. I get what you're saying about being alone and I don't want to be alone 24/7, but going out with a group really isn't for me. I do have relatives and distant friends who I could text and hang out with, but I've done that in the past and I do not like it. I also hate being around others kids which I know is awful and hypocritical as I have a child of my own, I just can't stand it.
ISB I agree, I do feel lonely yet also hate being around others (although I could've spent every waking moment with my ex when we were actually getting on), I feel like it's a man I want, hope that doesn't sound desparate and I'm certainly not going to hop into another relationship in the near future, it's just I've never felt comfortable around anybody like my ex, I don't know if maybe it's because he accepted me for me, he knew all my likes and dislikes, as opposed to the fact he was my other half. Maybe it's just because I've never felt comfortable around anybody else, even my relatives. It's nice to know I'm not alone and I also have a sibling and a parent who don't mind being alone.
---------- Post added at 21:57 ---------- Previous post was at 21:49 ----------
Moocow I too have when people talk about how nice a day it is when it's sunny. I've even mentioned that to a relative recently and honestly dread the thought of a stranger coming upto me and saying "Isn't it a lovely day" because to me it isn't. Also when it's raining and they said it's miserable and I'm sitting there thinking what a lovely day haha.
I'm sorry people don't even give you a chance. I'm confident people would be willing to speak to me in the beginning, it's keeping them interested I'd have a problem with. Well I loved my partner and he loved me and I hated (and still hate) myself so that isn't entirely true in my opinion. I do genuinely believe very few people want somebody who is down on themselves though, which just makes it harder if you are the one down on yourself. However I think that's fine as there are certain traits in others I wouldn't like.
This website has made me feel like no matter how 'different', miserable, boring you are, that doesn't mean people won't like you. Maybe they'll find you boring but that doesn't mean they won't give you the time of day. I've also learned through this site and therapy that I'm not the only one who doesn't like children (I don't hate them or anything just don't see the fuss, when people look at a child and say 'awwwww' I am completely indifferent, excluding newborns). That was a biggie that has gotten me really down over the years as I didn't think it was natural.
---------- Post added at 21:58 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------
Cool! You sound like my kind of girl! :)
:D
Clydesdale Epona
26-02-17, 00:55
I was in a similar epidemic last year with my social anxiety and after going to things like groups and starting work at the stables i found my social anxiety cleared and i then realized how much of a loner i am, i love my coworkers and even the children there but i find myself working like a battery and after being drained one day i have to be alone for a while to "recharge" i took simple steps like going to a coffee shop for a while, then speaking to the person who serves me in the mornings, it sounds silly but i worked my way up towards groups before going to horse therapy and having that change my life, you've just got to find where you fit in more.
i still get drained after socializing and sometimes i'll even ignore my OH and kinda just read a book in silence, because its who i am, but i'm glad i pushed through overcoming my social anxiety as it may have been hard at times but now when i find myself having to socialize i can cope better x
All the best :hugs:
MyNameIsTerry
26-02-17, 06:54
Cool! You sound like my kind of girl! :)
Dave, you flirt! :D
---------- Post added at 06:54 ---------- Previous post was at 06:47 ----------
Before the anxiety I was always pretty sociable. I still am now when I'm in those situations, my anxiety just doesn't want me to go there in the first place.
But weddings, big yawn. I was ducking out of those well before the anxiety. "Well done mate you're getting laid tonight". What is there to say beyond congratulations? I'm more for it being a private thing. I've always found them somehow a bit false with being a celebration of how great someone's life is. The only useful thing was the booze ups.
KeeKee, don't forget Vladimir!
I think Beatroon is right. If you could access something like Dave does with Changes, you will find others like you as mental health groups are like this place.
Moocow - it's friendly on here. Many of us have the odd argument but it soon blows over. The good far outweighs the bad. There are plenty of men who would say they don't want someone else's mental health baggage regardless of someone working. It's often about some level of compromise on both sides.
KeeKee, you are not boring. There are many people that feel the same as you, including me!
I don't think it is necessarily ALL people, it is the right people. A good friend is even someone you can sit with and say nothing sometimes.
Now you are having a fresh start in life, let everything happen naturally. x
Dave, you flirt! :D
---------- Post added at 06:54 ---------- Previous post was at 06:47 ----------
Before the anxiety I was always pretty sociable. I still am now when I'm in those situations, my anxiety just doesn't want me to go there in the first place.
But weddings, big yawn. I was ducking out of those well before the anxiety. "Well done mate you're getting laid tonight". What is there to say beyond congratulations? I'm more for it being a private thing. I've always found them somehow a bit false with being a celebration of how great someone's life is. The only useful thing was the booze ups.
KeeKee, don't forget Vladimir!
I think Beatroon is right. If you could access something like Dave does with Changes, you will find others like you as mental health groups are like this place.
Moocow - it's friendly on here. Many of us have the odd argument but it soon blows over. The good far outweighs the bad. There are plenty of men who would say they don't want someone else's mental health baggage regardless of someone working. It's often about some level of compromise on both sides. Terry think that's the 'key' to finding what's available in your area :) KeeKee me time is great ok, but too much of it is bad for you, seriously, see what MH services are available to you in your area :) Remember that the changes come from you :) Cheers
I agree with Carnation. Not all of us are life and soul of the party types. There are so many "sheep" these days-people just trying to fit in by copying certain stereotypes. That's boring-not you. Be an individual with your own views and opinions-it's such a refreshing change from a lot of young people your age.
Having people you really like in your life isn't always that easy. It's a gamble going to mental health group meetings and not for everyone.
Sorry for the late response I did read the replies, Terry I had to Google Vladimir hahaha. Thank you all its nice to know I'm not necessarily 'boring'.
I'll try to embrace my individuality from now on. I try to think of it this way, if I fake who I am for people to like me, then eventually the true me will shine through, so if I'm liked for who I really am, then there will be nothing to hide and they like me for me.
I have to admit, mental health groups (or any other group) don't appeal to me. I've never been a sociable person. One of my siblings is the same (although they don't care what anybody thinks of them whereas I do). I think it's just who I am, but obviously the anxiety prevents me from working which means a crappy life as no money to buy nice things :-(
Maybe I should take my siblings stance and try to just not care what others think
That way I'll not care that I don't want to join in conversations etc. I'll not care that I hate the sun and love the rain, at the end of the day what is the worst thing that can happen even if I'm not 'liked'. Obviously I'll need to sort my body image issues out too as leaving the house is getting harder and harder due to the warmer weather.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply I can always count on you all.
Sorry for the late response I did read the replies, Terry I had to Google Vladimir hahaha. Thank you all its nice to know I'm not necessarily 'boring'.
I'll try to embrace my individuality from now on. I try to think of it this way, if I fake who I am for people to like me, then eventually the true me will shine through, so if I'm liked for who I really am, then there will be nothing to hide and they like me for me.
I have to admit, mental health groups (or any other group) don't appeal to me. I've never been a sociable person. One of my siblings is the same (although they don't care what anybody thinks of them whereas I do). I think it's just who I am, but obviously the anxiety prevents me from working which means a crappy life as no money to buy nice things :-(
Maybe I should take my siblings stance and try to just not care what others think
That way I'll not care that I don't want to join in conversations etc. I'll not care that I hate the sun and love the rain, at the end of the day what is the worst thing that can happen even if I'm not 'liked'. Obviously I'll need to sort my body image issues out too as leaving the house is getting harder and harder due to the warmer weather.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply I can always count on you all. You Know KeeKee Not everyone will like you and vice versa you know, I have to come to learn this over a period of time I think your siblings are correct on this stance, so take a leaf out of their book :) The other thing is you may find in mental health groups you actually will have a kindred spirit with each other, so common ground there and think the support frame work will be in place too! So don't rule it out altogether :)Yes I feel the same the better weather is on it's way and I try not to think about it as I have my changes groups and social meets to look forward to :) Where as 6 months and beyond I had nothing to look forward to. And yes you will need to change your image a new you will be great you have to start believing and when you do you wont look back and will say to your self why didn't I do this years ago. Start you recovery now KeeKee If I can do it so can you:yesyes:
Cheers
Yep I agree in regards to not everybody liking you and vice versa.
I wonder why I care so much what others think of me. My siblings and both parents are the kinds of people who don't care whether they're liked etc they'll voice their opinion and so on (I'll usually not dare say what I think), it's strange as my last therapy was kind of implying you pick up these things in childhood but I certainly didn't. Guess it's just more individuality :-)
Do you not really like the Sun either? It's been a mixed day today, thankfully it was pretty dull when I went to the school so that was a good thing. My daughter is away next week so I'll only have to go to the school on Monday to pick her up and Friday to collect her. Will be very strange, the furthest away from me she has been is a couple of miles sleeping at a relatives.
MyNameIsTerry
01-03-17, 18:04
I've come to believe of myself that I care what people think if I think I could disappoint or hurt them. Otherwise, it's more what I think about myself. The latter holds me back, the former more guides me.
Yep I agree in regards to not everybody liking you and vice versa.
I wonder why I care so much what others think of me. My siblings and both parents are the kinds of people who don't care whether they're liked etc they'll voice their opinion and so on (I'll usually not dare say what I think), it's strange as my last therapy was kind of implying you pick up these things in childhood but I certainly didn't. Guess it's just more individuality :-)
Do you not really like the Sun either? It's been a mixed day today, thankfully it was pretty dull when I went to the school so that was a good thing. My daughter is away next week so I'll only have to go to the school on Monday to pick her up and Friday to collect her. Will be very strange, the furthest away from me she has been is a couple of miles sleeping at a relatives.
Well I think its because you want to create a good impression towards other ppl it's a natural response :) as for your siblings they probably do have a handful of ppl they class as friends as these sort are friends because they 'respect' the views from them. Yes seriously dont like the nice weather because of what I posted earlier, but as things improve for me this should fade away :) Cheers
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