Newts
26-02-17, 19:15
Hey, everyone-
This is my first time posting here. I really needed to find a place to write all of this down. I think it would be really helpful for me if I could talk to other people who can relate to me. This is probably going to be long so I appreciate it if you stick with me throughout the whole thing :weep:
Anyway, lately I've been really scared of MS. Every free moment I have is spent thinking about it, and it's getting exhausting.
I''ve read, and been told by my doctor, that MS is not hereditary. Having a family member with the illness increases your chances of getting it slightly, but not by much. What worries me though is the fact that my father and his sister both have the disease. It makes me feel as though I've got it in my genes and it's inevitable that I'll get it someday.
No matter what anyone says to convince me otherwise, I'm just convinced that it's going to happen to me eventually and I can't stop thinking about it.
My aunt's MS is so subdued that you wouldn't even know she was sick if you saw her. She functions perfectly fine.
My father on the other hand is an absolute mess. He's completely immobile from the waste down, barely has any strength in his arms, has difficulty speaking and thinking, among a myriad of other health issues. His life is a complete nightmare.
I think what affected me so much about my father's illness is that he was diagnosed as soon as I was born. It was incredibly heartbreaking and painful to watch him deteriorate mentally and physically over the last 23 years. When I was young, he was able to run around, play video games with me, etc.
I am beyond terrified of that happening to me. It's all I can think about anymore. I'm not even sure what triggered this fear, but its been killing me the last few weeks.
I've got anxiety and depression pretty badly, which is absolutely making things worse. I don't know if my "symptoms" are even symptoms or if they're compleltely unrelated or are all in my head.
Over the last few weeks I've noticed these things. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom regarding this stuff, I'd really appreciate it:
-Eyes going out of focus every once in a while. Sort of like I'm spacing out and staring off into space. I can fix it immediately by re-focusing my attention on whatever I'm doing, but I'm finding it happens pretty often now.
I was told by my doctor not to worry about this.
-Numbness in my ring and pinky fingers at night. Sometimes I'll wake up and those fingers will be completely numb. At times it will happen to my legs too. I find myself losing feeling in limbs pretty easily when I sit or sleep on them the wrong way, but my doctor said that because the feeling returns when I move around, it isn't anything to worry about.
-Slowness, difficulty formulating thoughts. This one is one that I feel like may be all in my head. There are times where I feel like my brain isn't working as fast as it used to, and it scares me.
-Leg pain. This is a big one. Sometimes one leg, some times both legs. Pretty much throughout the entire day my lower legs have a dull ache to them. I'm not exactly the most active person, so I don't think its related to exercise or anything like that. But they just hurt and feel tired. Also as I'm writing this I'm noticing a twitch in the muscles around my knee so there's something else to worry about... :unsure:
-General exhaustion. I've always been a sleepy person. I like naps and I get tired a lot. Lately though it's felt like I've been more tired than usual.
-Somewhat lack of balance. Though I've always been a bit clumsy, I feel like it might be worse now? I fell down a few stairs the other day and it scared me. This also somewhat applies to my fingers reaction speed when typing which I feel like isn't as fast as it used to be either, but that could be my imagination.
Getting MS is the worst thing I can imagine. I'm so much more afraid of this illness than I am of anything else in the world. I feel like at this point, I could get diagnosed with cancer and it'd feel like a relief as long as it wasn't MS.
I don't want to end up like my dad.
I don't even want a whole lot in life. I enjoy art, making music, playing video games, and hanging out with friends.
I don't want to not be able to do those things anymore. Most importantly, I don't want to end up losing myself mentally. I think that's the scariest part for me. My dad is a very different person than he was when I was young. He's operating at like 40% of his mental capacity and that scares me.
I saw my doctor last week who assured me that none of my symptoms were signs of MS (though I didn't mention my legs aching). She told me that my chances of having MS aren't that much greater than the average person. She gave me the name of a neurologist I can go talk to if it will help put my mind at ease, but I haven't made the appointment yet.
I feel like I'm finally starting to go somewhere in life and things are finally starting to go my way, and I'm terrified that it could all end in a second. If I got diagnosed I don't know what I would do.
Anyone have any advice?
This is my first time posting here. I really needed to find a place to write all of this down. I think it would be really helpful for me if I could talk to other people who can relate to me. This is probably going to be long so I appreciate it if you stick with me throughout the whole thing :weep:
Anyway, lately I've been really scared of MS. Every free moment I have is spent thinking about it, and it's getting exhausting.
I''ve read, and been told by my doctor, that MS is not hereditary. Having a family member with the illness increases your chances of getting it slightly, but not by much. What worries me though is the fact that my father and his sister both have the disease. It makes me feel as though I've got it in my genes and it's inevitable that I'll get it someday.
No matter what anyone says to convince me otherwise, I'm just convinced that it's going to happen to me eventually and I can't stop thinking about it.
My aunt's MS is so subdued that you wouldn't even know she was sick if you saw her. She functions perfectly fine.
My father on the other hand is an absolute mess. He's completely immobile from the waste down, barely has any strength in his arms, has difficulty speaking and thinking, among a myriad of other health issues. His life is a complete nightmare.
I think what affected me so much about my father's illness is that he was diagnosed as soon as I was born. It was incredibly heartbreaking and painful to watch him deteriorate mentally and physically over the last 23 years. When I was young, he was able to run around, play video games with me, etc.
I am beyond terrified of that happening to me. It's all I can think about anymore. I'm not even sure what triggered this fear, but its been killing me the last few weeks.
I've got anxiety and depression pretty badly, which is absolutely making things worse. I don't know if my "symptoms" are even symptoms or if they're compleltely unrelated or are all in my head.
Over the last few weeks I've noticed these things. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom regarding this stuff, I'd really appreciate it:
-Eyes going out of focus every once in a while. Sort of like I'm spacing out and staring off into space. I can fix it immediately by re-focusing my attention on whatever I'm doing, but I'm finding it happens pretty often now.
I was told by my doctor not to worry about this.
-Numbness in my ring and pinky fingers at night. Sometimes I'll wake up and those fingers will be completely numb. At times it will happen to my legs too. I find myself losing feeling in limbs pretty easily when I sit or sleep on them the wrong way, but my doctor said that because the feeling returns when I move around, it isn't anything to worry about.
-Slowness, difficulty formulating thoughts. This one is one that I feel like may be all in my head. There are times where I feel like my brain isn't working as fast as it used to, and it scares me.
-Leg pain. This is a big one. Sometimes one leg, some times both legs. Pretty much throughout the entire day my lower legs have a dull ache to them. I'm not exactly the most active person, so I don't think its related to exercise or anything like that. But they just hurt and feel tired. Also as I'm writing this I'm noticing a twitch in the muscles around my knee so there's something else to worry about... :unsure:
-General exhaustion. I've always been a sleepy person. I like naps and I get tired a lot. Lately though it's felt like I've been more tired than usual.
-Somewhat lack of balance. Though I've always been a bit clumsy, I feel like it might be worse now? I fell down a few stairs the other day and it scared me. This also somewhat applies to my fingers reaction speed when typing which I feel like isn't as fast as it used to be either, but that could be my imagination.
Getting MS is the worst thing I can imagine. I'm so much more afraid of this illness than I am of anything else in the world. I feel like at this point, I could get diagnosed with cancer and it'd feel like a relief as long as it wasn't MS.
I don't want to end up like my dad.
I don't even want a whole lot in life. I enjoy art, making music, playing video games, and hanging out with friends.
I don't want to not be able to do those things anymore. Most importantly, I don't want to end up losing myself mentally. I think that's the scariest part for me. My dad is a very different person than he was when I was young. He's operating at like 40% of his mental capacity and that scares me.
I saw my doctor last week who assured me that none of my symptoms were signs of MS (though I didn't mention my legs aching). She told me that my chances of having MS aren't that much greater than the average person. She gave me the name of a neurologist I can go talk to if it will help put my mind at ease, but I haven't made the appointment yet.
I feel like I'm finally starting to go somewhere in life and things are finally starting to go my way, and I'm terrified that it could all end in a second. If I got diagnosed I don't know what I would do.
Anyone have any advice?