To those of you who are sexually active...

[Walkingbyfaith412]

How long do you see someone before you're comfortable having unprotected sex? Assuming the woman is on birth control....

I've been having protected sex with the guy I'm seeing, we see each other often and he stays over a lot. He is very clean, he won't even drink after his own sister because she used to use IV drugs and he's nervous that she may have something...doesn't use drugs, has never used IV drugs, very sweet and I like him a lot. Anyways, he has trouble getting off with a condom...prior to me he was married for 11 years so he wasn't used to having to use one...now that we are he usually doesn't even get off and I feel terrible. I do trust him, but I'm so nervous with my health anxiety that I'll be scared sh*tless after we do and panic myself.

What would you do?

[ServerError]

There's no single answer here really. But there's a few things I think you should do:

1) You're an anxiety sufferer. Seek treatment for that if you haven't already done so.

2) Have a conversation with him about how you feel. You may well have already done this, but just explain to him that you struggle with anxiety, and this is the way your thinking is going. If he's as sweet as you say, he'll do his best to understand.

3) You guys could get tested. It might seem like you were sharing responsibility if you both did it, rather than just him. But you'd certainly be able to know for sure whether or not it was safe not to use a condom if you did this.

[Fishmanpa]

Does he know of your health anxiety? If so, and you're taking the relationship to the next level (an exclusive monogamous relationship), then it wouldn't be out of line at all to suggest that you both be tested. Go together even. Once you get the all clear? There's no reason to fear.

These days, even without health anxiety, it's not an uncommon practice and prudent in light of what can happen. If he's not aware of your anxieties, a sit down serious talk would be in order. From what you're saying, he seems to an up and up guy so I don't think he would be put off at all. In fact, I think he'd be all for it based on what you're saying.

Positive thoughts

[Walkingbyfaith412]

Thanks guys. I actually had an STD panel done three days ago and got the all clear yesterday. I haven't told him about my anxieties because I don't want to seem crazy, ya know?

[ServerError]

Thanks guys. I actually had an STD panel done three days ago and got the all clear yesterday. I haven't told him about my anxieties because I don't want to seem crazy, ya know?

I don't know how well you know him - if it's early days then I can understand not wanted to divulge everything right away. But it's often worse to try to hide things. At some point, you'll have to open up to him about it. And there's clearly a conversation about sex needed to be had.

[Fishmanpa]

Thanks guys. I actually had an STD panel done three days ago and got the all clear yesterday. I haven't told him about my anxieties because I don't want to seem crazy, ya know?

"Crazy" is relative. I've always said we're all crazy to a degree. It's when we find someone that's equally crazy that they seem normal ;)

I do think he should know about your anxieties. He's going to notice/find out sooner rather than later anyway and trust is paramount in a relationship. That being said and based on what you're saying about using protection, showing him your results and asking he be tested so he can go bareback wouldn't be out of line. In fact, I would think he'd jump at the chance to ditch the condoms ;)

Positive thoughts

[Scared2death21]

If he does the types of things you say he does then I doubt he'll be apathetic toward your HA fears. He is at least more willing to avoid his scares than the average person.

Also I'm not sure if you've done this yet, but if the thought of unprotected sex still isn't for you, some condoms feel better than others as far as both parties are concerned. He could try some of those if he hasn't yet.