Going through some heavy stuff - advice needed

[Lissa101]

So, I'll give my history briefly. Around 5 years ago I had a complete breakdown following a prolonged period of extreme stress which culminated in my being a sole carer for my mum after she had a bleed on her brain. That first time it took me 18 months to get better. I recently had a bad relapse but have managed to get myself out of a very dark place and now, after 6 months, have started to enjoy life again. Although, I'm not yet able for f/t work and still feel restricted by anxiety on many days.

I've been feeling really positive and upbeat. Then, on Saturday, I get a message from my sister who has chose not to be in my life for 15 years. She has issues with my mum who was an alcoholic when we were kids. She chose to cut my mum out of her life but, inexplicably, cut me out too for no reason that I can find. During my mums various health problems (she also had cervical cancer several years ago) I've contacted my sister for support either to receive no reply or to be told that, sorry, but its not her problem any more.

My sister, it turns out, has an autoimmune disease that has destroyed her kidneys. As her only sibling I am her best chance for a living donor kidney. I just found this out on Saturday. I have sent her happy birthday/merry xmas messages every year for god knows how long and had nothing back. So, her motives for contacting me now are pretty obvious.

I'm now going through the most horrid turmoil I've ever experienced. Mentally, I know I am not fit to cope with being a living donor and already I can feel myself slipping back to the dark place of depression, anxiety and panic. My mental health issues have had a devastating effect on my finances, I became insolvent 2 years ago, and I don't have the money to support myself through a prolonged period of physical illness following major surgery and possible complications. I have a family history of heart disease, hypertension and stroke which typically does not exhibit itself until we reach our 50's - and the risks associated with these will be amplified if living with just one kidney. I've not had children yet and I'm 35. If I do this I'll have to delay starting a family for 2-3 years.

None of the above are enough to have me disqualified as a living donor. If I don't want to do it I'll have to say no, rather than rely on failing the screening process. But how can I look someone in the eye and tell them they could die because of my selfish decision? How could I live with myself? What would my mum think of me? And she has a young son who could be without his mother because of me.

I'm so angry and upset at the moment, I'm really a total mess. I can't stop crying and I'm finding it really difficult to do simple things. This huge, life-changing decision has been dropped onto my shoulders and its just crushing me right now. I literally don't know how to handle this.

Sorry for the long rant, its good to get it all out x

[pulisa]

Donating a kidney is major surgery and not something which you can decide to do because she's your sister. She obviously decided to cut all family ties with you when it suited her and now it suits her to come back to you when she thinks you can help.

Would you necessarily be able to provide a compatible kidney anyway? Surely you would have to undergo a thorough screening process/counselling before any decision were made to donate?

It's an awful dilemma particularly due to all your past "history" with your sister and there's such a lot to take into consideration. Could your GP be able to advise you on the medical implications? I know you can live perfectly well with just one kidney but there's a lot more to it than this for you especially with your family history of health issues.

It's going to mean very careful consideration of the implications on you whatever decision you make. You need to have expert advice from the right people.

[Kuatir]

So do you feel that you have to do this if you can't find a medical reason not to?

It's a tough one. I can't say I would really know the answer unless I got into the same situation. Do you want her back in your life? Do you think she would take the kidney and disappear again?

[Lissa101]

Thanks for your replies both. Yes, I feel that without a good medical reason I'd be obligated to go through with it. I feel that my mental health should be a good enough reason not to but, in the eyes on my family (who don't understand MH at all), its just not a valid excuse. I know that for a happy, confident person this wouldn't be such a big deal and that lots of people become living donors to complete strangers just because they want to do something good. For someone like me, who obsesses about every little ache and pain and struggles to get through the day even when my health is great, its a different ball game. I know I would struggle with the mental effects for the rest of my life.

The screening process is very intense and can take months. Therefore, you kinda have to be willing to be a donor before you begin, otherwise the docs are investing a lot of time in you for nothing. I'm going to see my GP to talk things over and hopefully that will help clarify things.

I'm not really bothered about having a relationship with her, I've grown up without her and don't really know her as a person any more. I guess I just feel really used in the worst possible way. She also has asked me not to tell certain relatives - probably because they are more forthright than me and would be very angry that she's put me in this position.

[Kuatir]

So she really is playing you, if she is trying to stop you spreading the news.

Whatever decision you make is going to have a big effect on you. I really don't know how best to advise. I hope your GP can help clarify and I truly hope that you can get out of this. Not in spite of her, but to help you.

[KeeKee]

What a massive decision for you.

Sorry I've nothing good to say just wanted you to know I read your post and can only imagine hard this must be for you.

[pulisa]

If she was actually in your life and a decent sister would you consider donating? You are quite rightly very angry with how she has behaved towards you-she must seem like a virtual stranger now?

I hope you are not a compatible donor so that you don't have to make this very difficult decision.

[beatroon]

This sounds very difficult. I would talk to your GP and explain how complicated the situation is. You need more information to make a decision. Some questions include: could your sister find another living donor? Could she go on dialysis and then find another donor via a list later? How unwell would it likely make you (including MH-wise) to donate? What are the ethical implications (I can imagine there are fairly stringent guidelines about people being emotionally blackmailed into donating!)?

I would also considering discussing with other family members. You shouldn't have to go through this decision-making process without their support, and for me, the fact of your sister asking you not to talk to them is a huge red flag.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.