elik
06-03-17, 17:06
I rather naively only realised about four months ago how commonly that I black out when very drunk. I carry on as normal but my conscious is not there. When realising this I didn't drink for a while but then thought I was being typically anxious and being dramatic so I drunk again but have been more controlled. On the weekend I partially blacked out. Although it's not something I like openly talking about but I am someone who enjoys sex (like many) but I haven't had much luck with men and they only really want me for one thing. Sure, I like fun but I want to be in an at least 'seeing each other' setting. My only options are when lust takes over or we have a long term sexual sort of agreement. I am very funny about numbers and a few occasions have lead me to literally cry myself to sleep for a week. I just don't need another imperfection to deal with. I wish I could shrug it off but I'm scared. Scared of being drunk because it's more likely and scared that I won't even want to meet up with a guy in the future for relationship expectations incase when we do have sex he will leave and it will be another person. It's so embarrassing. How many more things can I possibly hate about myself !!!!!!! I'm so scared of judgement etc and most of all, my harrowing guilt trip that I venture on. I literally am scared of the effects of everything I do and how I act and what if this means and what if I'm this thoughts that I barely want to leave the house