Advice - Partner with Anxiety

[Depleted]

Hi all,

I am just looking for some general advice after a very tough week.

My partner has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and sometimes they can crop up every now and then. We've been dating her a year and a half and it has, largely, been a happy year and a half. We have also moved in, as the situation meant it would be easier for the two of us. That aside, we also wanted to move in together too - maybe it was too early, who knows.

When she's happy, it makes me happy and I love spending time with her and I like to think she feels the same. When she is down, it's difficult to speak to her (she closes up) but I try and be supportive as I can - admittedly sometimes I say the wrong thing/don't do the right things but this is down to my ignorance on the topic (no excuse I know)

Recently, over the past month, I've noticed her withdrawing from me and becoming more anxious/depressed. I imagine this is down to stresses in her studies and also the removal of her IUD around a month ago. I also know that the feelings of depression/anxiety have been building for around two months, but only recently has it fully taken hold. Up until one month however, she was the same girl I met and we were both texting each other, laughing etc. I am not one to jump to conclusions so it took me a while to pick up on all the signs that something was wrong. I tried to cheer her up with something but she just shrugged it off and at that point I knew something was definitely wrong. With Hindsight, I foolishly asked if she enjoyed being with me - when I should have asked if she was OK.

She said that she only enjoys it sometimes. When probed further, she said that I don't understand her and she feels that I lack the emotional support that she needs. She feels that because I don't have anxiety/never had it, I can't ever understand and provide the support that she gets from friends with similar experiences. I apologised and said I would try harder but she kept telling me trying wasn't enough, that our brains are wired differently, and that I would never be able to support her.

I said that I do care about her and my lack of words/choice of words/closed emotional state doesn't mean that I don't care. I said that I want to and need to try harder to support her needs. She pointed out situations where I didn't listen, but I was listening and told her what she said - at this point she just ignored me and went to bed.

The following day I bought some flowers and a card writing down my emotions with an apology for my shortcomings. The next few days we were ok, but clearly something wasn't right.

Then the weekend came and she went out with friends. I kissed her goodbye and texted two funny little things to try and raise her mood but no response. Come night time she didn't come home and I was worried. I texted but no response again. Morning came and I tried to find out where she was, again nothing. Only after texting her friend did I find out she was safe at her house.

I told her I was worried, no response. I then tried texting her asking her not to ignore me. No response. It was only after she was on her way home (around 10pm) that she texted me she was coming home and I replied that we needed to talk (at no point did I ever suspect she was cheating).

That night we had a discussion, similar to the first, but much more drawn out and emotional (on my part, she didn't shed a tear or show any sadness). I asked her if she still loved me and how she felt about us and she just said she didn't know. She said that our relationship in the past was different because she was under no pressures. Now she is under all sorts of stresses, with all her hormones coming back, and she doesn't know if we can go back to those days and if having fun is enough for her. We ended the conversation amicably with me thanking her for listening to me and we went to bed.

The day after, I said I had been thinking about her all day and that I do care about her. She unfortunately put her covers to her head and ignored me. I asked her not to give up on me, that I really care about her and that I want to try harder. I told her that she has made me so happy over past 18 months and believe that I would try harder - again no response. Silence fell for a bit and then I tried to cuddle her but she threw my arm off and at that point I was extremely hurt and asked her if we were over - no response.

The following day we went out together, with her and her friends. Before meeting up we didn't text and during the night we barely talked. I noticed that when she is with her friends, she is happy (on the outside at least) but whenever I say something she gives me a glare of resent. When we are alone, I try to start conversation and I just get replies which, to me, feel disingenuous and designed to shut the conversation down more.

I miss the times when I could make her laugh and we could just lie in bed having a good conversation but most of all, I miss her being happy.

Since that outing, am I correct in assuming that I am the cause of the anxiety/depression? Have I been a terrible boyfriend when she really needed me?

I don't want her to break up with me, and I don't want to break up with her. But I love her and want to support her in whatever capacity I can. I am thinking of speaking to her and saying that although I don't want to, I am willing to step away from the relationship so that she can feel better without me and hopefully become a happier individual with less stress, anxiety and depression. I don't want to pressure her into "not giving up" and that there won't be any hard feelings..

Is it true that I am the cause, or a major cause, of her anxiety and depression? or are her internal struggles making her act different.

Are my actions to rash? is it the right thing to do? and am I just over reacting? I don't know how else to approach her as anything I say to try show my support gets blanked.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Apologies for the rambling and if it is hard to read at times - it has been a long exhausting week and I don't know what to do.

Thanks

[Bill]

I don't know if this will help you or not but I hope so. My feeling is she's feeling pressurised within the relationship so you need to make it fun for her again because you say when she's happy, you're happy too.

I don't know if she would agree with this but try to imagine helping a frightened kitten that will withdraw or lash out with it's claws when it feels cornered or threatened so you have to treat her with tenderness and caring so that she doesn't feel pressurised. In other words, when she feels low or anxious, don't question her but say to her if she feels able to talk, you'll listen and if she does talk, only reply when she asks questions but try to be gentle, caring and tactful in your responses. If she'll let you, just hold her but if she doesn't want to held, don't push her and don't reflect it on yourself because sometimes trying to show caring through affection can make someone feel trapped and more anxious and she'll feel pressurised.

Think of her happiness as No. 1. Show in actions how much you love her by doing all that is possible that she asks. Give her space. Be that quiet blanket she feels safe in where she feels she can offload without judgment.

I don't feel people have to suffer from anxiety themselves or need to have experienced it. You just have to remember how much you love them by showing it as you would with someone who feels genuinely frightened who just needs to feel safe. Be gentle with her and be aware of any words and actions that may make her feel pressurised. Listen, don't talk unless asked and don't question because if you question anything she'll feel you don't understand so she'll bottle up because she won't feel safe to talk, and you need her to feel she can talk to you.

Those are my feelings anyway.

[Depleted]

Thanks Bill. Unfortunately what she's told me is that it's not the fun factor which she is after anymore. Any fun thing I have suggested to do she just shrugs off even when I phrase it in a way to remove the decision from her part. That day when she didn't respond to me until she came home we had plans to do something but she just completely forgot / chose to hide from it/me.

I ask her the simplest questions to show interest in her life and I get the bluntness response. What restaurant did you go to with your friends last night? Just a restaurant she'll reply.

I just don't know how to react to anything anymore and I feel everything I do is wrong. We usually leave together in the morning and kiss each other goodbye as we head our separate directions. Today she was more or less ready but just lying in bed on her phone when usually she would be getting ready quickly with me. I took that as a cue and said if she didn't want to leave with me it was OK and Said have a good day. She said it wasn't personal and I just nodded and smiled and said have a good day again. I didn't even try to kiss her goodbye as I was afraid to do so and that sounds terrible. There are just so many doubts in my head right now when deciding what I should or shouldn't say.

It's as if she hates me and I can't tell if that she really does, or this is her way of reacting to the stresses and thoughts she's fighting

[Buster70]

Hi , some of your post reads as if I wrote it , I've been with my partner many years and we both now suffer anxiety and depression which comes and goes , she will do the same thing in not showing any emotion at times and saying she doesn't know what she wants , I also get the look of hatred but this is not her the depression changes her whole personality even the way she holds herself is more aggressive, sometimes it's better to give them some space trying to talk will fall on deaf ears until her mood changes , anxiety and depression can be very isolating you get a very numb feeling and may want to be alone or all over someone , don't try to hard to work it out there is no ryme or reason to it and don't blame yourself , take care chap .:)

[beatroon]

I think that depression and anxiety can totally change a person. When I'm in a bout, I doubt whether or not I love my partner, whether I want this future. Everything feels just off and wrong and it's so hard to see what's really in front of my face. It's a terrifying state to be in and it totally clouds your judgement.

Without knowing you or your partner, and not being a medical professional, it's impossible to say whether her anxieties are causing her reactions, or not. She probably doesn't know herself what is depression and what is 'her'.

It sounds as though you are being very supportive in the face of a lot of provocation, for which I commend you. It can be extremely difficult supporting someone who is going through a depression.

The usual advice is to make sure that you yourself are OK whilst you're offering support. Do self-care activities, talk to friends, and make sure that you are supported too. It does sound as though your girlfriend could also use some additional help at the moment. She may not be receptive to you suggesting she contact her doctor, but it might be worth a visit. If her depression and anxiety are not controlled then there are things they can do to make her feel better.

I wish you the very best of luck!

[Fishmanpa]

I sympathize with you as mental illness was the reason my 1st marriage ended and it was the demise of a couple of relationships afterwards. Both suffered severely and despite all my efforts, in the end I had to do what was best for myself. If the person cannot nor will not at least try to help themselves, there's nothing much you can do.

I really don't have any wise words other than do what you feel is best for you at this point as it sounds like you've hit a wall.

Good luck and as always...

Positive thoughts

[Depleted]

Thank you all, really appreciate the input. So from your responses I gather that I should give her space and see how things develop, while letting her know as much as possible that I'm there for her. Her anxiety or depression is changing her behaviour and I shouldn't make a rushed decision and give her the break up speech.

Any other opinions would he much appreciated!

[Bill]

Reading through again what you've said, I think this is the root cause -

"she said that I don't understand her and she feels that I lack the emotional support that she needs. She feels that because I don't have anxiety/never had it, I can't ever understand and provide the support that she gets from friends with similar experiences. I apologised and said I would try harder but she kept telling me trying wasn't enough, that our brains are wired differently, and that I would never be able to support her."

What I would suggest is you need to prove to her that you're not like she is thinking so just carry on showing love, affection and caring towards her because in time she may come round. Time sometimes heals things. Also, try not to worry too much about it because you'll be doing all you can for her. In a way, the ball is in her court to decide what she wants.

It may be that she loves you but feels she can't talk to you so just try to be there for her and be what she feels she needs from you. You can do no more. The rest will be up to her.

[Depleted]

Thanks Bill, yes I believe that is definitely the root cause.

I guess I've just got to be as supportive as I can, or at least demonstrate, and give her time and space. I didn't contact her yesterday until I came home at 10pm but when we spoke to each other her mood definitely seemed better. Fingers crossed

[Kuatir]

I think she is right, to a point. I don't think anybody can truly understand anxiety/depression without experiencing it. However criticising you for that is unfair, because people without mental health issue support people that do all the time.

I don't have an answer to your situation. Mental health is complex and there is no one size fits all "fix". Ultimately it usually comes down to the individual working on getting better themselves (by using the help that is available to them).

Your girlfriend has decided that you can't help. Until that thought process changes I don't know what is best. Good luck.

[Depleted]

Hi all,

Thank you for your replies and opinions. Although it didn't end well, I thought it'd be worth updating, for anybody reading in the future, that we unfortunately decided to end the relationship. She didn't initiate the conversation and I felt that the way we were going we were only going to end up in an extremely uncomfortable situation. I eventually brought up the discussion after she couldn't tell me whether or not she wanted to go on a trip to a surprise I booked for her (she knew the surprise). Fortunately we ended on good terms which is important to me - not just because we need to sort out our accommodation situation, but I also really like her as a person and would like to remain friends if possible somewhere down the line.

My advice to anyone else going through a similar situation is to not be afraid to bring it up. If your partner is not willing to open up and you know it's going the wrong direction, don't be afraid to speak. Ultimately, the situation is not healthy for both parties and if you are able to salvage the relationship then that is great. If however the situation appears unattainable and your partner is not willing to initiate any conversation, like mine was due to anxiety perhaps, it's best to take the initiative, even if you don't want to, so that both of you can be in a better place and move on on good terms.