Depleted
08-03-17, 22:43
Hi all,
I am just looking for some general advice after a very tough week.
My partner has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and sometimes they can crop up every now and then. We've been dating her a year and a half and it has, largely, been a happy year and a half. We have also moved in, as the situation meant it would be easier for the two of us. That aside, we also wanted to move in together too - maybe it was too early, who knows.
When she's happy, it makes me happy and I love spending time with her and I like to think she feels the same. When she is down, it's difficult to speak to her (she closes up) but I try and be supportive as I can - admittedly sometimes I say the wrong thing/don't do the right things but this is down to my ignorance on the topic (no excuse I know)
Recently, over the past month, I've noticed her withdrawing from me and becoming more anxious/depressed. I imagine this is down to stresses in her studies and also the removal of her IUD around a month ago. I also know that the feelings of depression/anxiety have been building for around two months, but only recently has it fully taken hold. Up until one month however, she was the same girl I met and we were both texting each other, laughing etc. I am not one to jump to conclusions so it took me a while to pick up on all the signs that something was wrong. I tried to cheer her up with something but she just shrugged it off and at that point I knew something was definitely wrong. With Hindsight, I foolishly asked if she enjoyed being with me - when I should have asked if she was OK.
She said that she only enjoys it sometimes. When probed further, she said that I don't understand her and she feels that I lack the emotional support that she needs. She feels that because I don't have anxiety/never had it, I can't ever understand and provide the support that she gets from friends with similar experiences. I apologised and said I would try harder but she kept telling me trying wasn't enough, that our brains are wired differently, and that I would never be able to support her.
I said that I do care about her and my lack of words/choice of words/closed emotional state doesn't mean that I don't care. I said that I want to and need to try harder to support her needs. She pointed out situations where I didn't listen, but I was listening and told her what she said - at this point she just ignored me and went to bed.
The following day I bought some flowers and a card writing down my emotions with an apology for my shortcomings. The next few days we were ok, but clearly something wasn't right.
Then the weekend came and she went out with friends. I kissed her goodbye and texted two funny little things to try and raise her mood but no response. Come night time she didn't come home and I was worried. I texted but no response again. Morning came and I tried to find out where she was, again nothing. Only after texting her friend did I find out she was safe at her house.
I told her I was worried, no response. I then tried texting her asking her not to ignore me. No response. It was only after she was on her way home (around 10pm) that she texted me she was coming home and I replied that we needed to talk (at no point did I ever suspect she was cheating).
That night we had a discussion, similar to the first, but much more drawn out and emotional (on my part, she didn't shed a tear or show any sadness). I asked her if she still loved me and how she felt about us and she just said she didn't know. She said that our relationship in the past was different because she was under no pressures. Now she is under all sorts of stresses, with all her hormones coming back, and she doesn't know if we can go back to those days and if having fun is enough for her. We ended the conversation amicably with me thanking her for listening to me and we went to bed.
The day after, I said I had been thinking about her all day and that I do care about her. She unfortunately put her covers to her head and ignored me. I asked her not to give up on me, that I really care about her and that I want to try harder. I told her that she has made me so happy over past 18 months and believe that I would try harder - again no response. Silence fell for a bit and then I tried to cuddle her but she threw my arm off and at that point I was extremely hurt and asked her if we were over - no response.
The following day we went out together, with her and her friends. Before meeting up we didn't text and during the night we barely talked. I noticed that when she is with her friends, she is happy (on the outside at least) but whenever I say something she gives me a glare of resent. When we are alone, I try to start conversation and I just get replies which, to me, feel disingenuous and designed to shut the conversation down more.
I miss the times when I could make her laugh and we could just lie in bed having a good conversation but most of all, I miss her being happy.
Since that outing, am I correct in assuming that I am the cause of the anxiety/depression? Have I been a terrible boyfriend when she really needed me?
I don't want her to break up with me, and I don't want to break up with her. But I love her and want to support her in whatever capacity I can. I am thinking of speaking to her and saying that although I don't want to, I am willing to step away from the relationship so that she can feel better without me and hopefully become a happier individual with less stress, anxiety and depression. I don't want to pressure her into "not giving up" and that there won't be any hard feelings..
Is it true that I am the cause, or a major cause, of her anxiety and depression? or are her internal struggles making her act different.
Are my actions to rash? is it the right thing to do? and am I just over reacting? I don't know how else to approach her as anything I say to try show my support gets blanked.
Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Apologies for the rambling and if it is hard to read at times - it has been a long exhausting week and I don't know what to do.
Thanks
I am just looking for some general advice after a very tough week.
My partner has suffered from anxiety and depression in the past and sometimes they can crop up every now and then. We've been dating her a year and a half and it has, largely, been a happy year and a half. We have also moved in, as the situation meant it would be easier for the two of us. That aside, we also wanted to move in together too - maybe it was too early, who knows.
When she's happy, it makes me happy and I love spending time with her and I like to think she feels the same. When she is down, it's difficult to speak to her (she closes up) but I try and be supportive as I can - admittedly sometimes I say the wrong thing/don't do the right things but this is down to my ignorance on the topic (no excuse I know)
Recently, over the past month, I've noticed her withdrawing from me and becoming more anxious/depressed. I imagine this is down to stresses in her studies and also the removal of her IUD around a month ago. I also know that the feelings of depression/anxiety have been building for around two months, but only recently has it fully taken hold. Up until one month however, she was the same girl I met and we were both texting each other, laughing etc. I am not one to jump to conclusions so it took me a while to pick up on all the signs that something was wrong. I tried to cheer her up with something but she just shrugged it off and at that point I knew something was definitely wrong. With Hindsight, I foolishly asked if she enjoyed being with me - when I should have asked if she was OK.
She said that she only enjoys it sometimes. When probed further, she said that I don't understand her and she feels that I lack the emotional support that she needs. She feels that because I don't have anxiety/never had it, I can't ever understand and provide the support that she gets from friends with similar experiences. I apologised and said I would try harder but she kept telling me trying wasn't enough, that our brains are wired differently, and that I would never be able to support her.
I said that I do care about her and my lack of words/choice of words/closed emotional state doesn't mean that I don't care. I said that I want to and need to try harder to support her needs. She pointed out situations where I didn't listen, but I was listening and told her what she said - at this point she just ignored me and went to bed.
The following day I bought some flowers and a card writing down my emotions with an apology for my shortcomings. The next few days we were ok, but clearly something wasn't right.
Then the weekend came and she went out with friends. I kissed her goodbye and texted two funny little things to try and raise her mood but no response. Come night time she didn't come home and I was worried. I texted but no response again. Morning came and I tried to find out where she was, again nothing. Only after texting her friend did I find out she was safe at her house.
I told her I was worried, no response. I then tried texting her asking her not to ignore me. No response. It was only after she was on her way home (around 10pm) that she texted me she was coming home and I replied that we needed to talk (at no point did I ever suspect she was cheating).
That night we had a discussion, similar to the first, but much more drawn out and emotional (on my part, she didn't shed a tear or show any sadness). I asked her if she still loved me and how she felt about us and she just said she didn't know. She said that our relationship in the past was different because she was under no pressures. Now she is under all sorts of stresses, with all her hormones coming back, and she doesn't know if we can go back to those days and if having fun is enough for her. We ended the conversation amicably with me thanking her for listening to me and we went to bed.
The day after, I said I had been thinking about her all day and that I do care about her. She unfortunately put her covers to her head and ignored me. I asked her not to give up on me, that I really care about her and that I want to try harder. I told her that she has made me so happy over past 18 months and believe that I would try harder - again no response. Silence fell for a bit and then I tried to cuddle her but she threw my arm off and at that point I was extremely hurt and asked her if we were over - no response.
The following day we went out together, with her and her friends. Before meeting up we didn't text and during the night we barely talked. I noticed that when she is with her friends, she is happy (on the outside at least) but whenever I say something she gives me a glare of resent. When we are alone, I try to start conversation and I just get replies which, to me, feel disingenuous and designed to shut the conversation down more.
I miss the times when I could make her laugh and we could just lie in bed having a good conversation but most of all, I miss her being happy.
Since that outing, am I correct in assuming that I am the cause of the anxiety/depression? Have I been a terrible boyfriend when she really needed me?
I don't want her to break up with me, and I don't want to break up with her. But I love her and want to support her in whatever capacity I can. I am thinking of speaking to her and saying that although I don't want to, I am willing to step away from the relationship so that she can feel better without me and hopefully become a happier individual with less stress, anxiety and depression. I don't want to pressure her into "not giving up" and that there won't be any hard feelings..
Is it true that I am the cause, or a major cause, of her anxiety and depression? or are her internal struggles making her act different.
Are my actions to rash? is it the right thing to do? and am I just over reacting? I don't know how else to approach her as anything I say to try show my support gets blanked.
Any thoughts would be much appreciated. Apologies for the rambling and if it is hard to read at times - it has been a long exhausting week and I don't know what to do.
Thanks