GeraltRiva
09-03-17, 06:01
Hello,
For everyone who doesn't know me: I've been suffering from GAD and depression for 1,5 years now, and I think I've pure O since my childhood (which is not diagnosed). I had compulsive thoughts about hurting/killing loved ones or doing sexual things to them. I tried to ignore them at first but they got so weird, that I thought I must be a psychopath. As an example: when I saw a pregnant woman, I pictured myself punching her in the stomach, I was so terrified by my own thoughts and felt guilty as hell. I'm also suffering from HOCD, I was often ruminating till 7 a.m. figuring out, which sex I'm attracted to. But all those problems were fading when the anxiety and panic started. I had severe panic attacks for a few weeks, followed by constant anxiety and servere depression. I was in hell for like three months. This was when the first existential obsession started. In that three months I freaked out about everything. And then there was this thought: "What if I went crazy without noticing and my parrents are just part of my lunatic imagination?" This thought was so terrifying, that I thought about ending my life for the first time. But I made it through the days somehow and my anxiety and depression eased off and so did the thoughts. I was doing pretty good for about one year. I had a panic attack once in a while, but everything was fine, I could go out with friends, study and do sports; No suicidal thoughts. Only the thoughts about my parents sometimes triggerred fear in me, but I got it under control with distraction and a healthy lifestyle.
But everything changed last christmas. I was sitting at the dinner table with my family and had a severe panic attack. It eased off and everything was okay. I somehow knew I would have problems arround chrsitmas, because I feared all the stress. But I didn't expect it to be so bad. I had another panic attack a few days later (alcohol induced), and fell into the downward spiral of anxiety again. I thought it would never stop and had a muscle pain all over my body. Everyday was exhausting and I felt miserable because of the anxiety and muscle pain/agition. I coped with this symptoms after a few days, but my anxiety levels were still very high. And there was that one night, where I asked myself: "Will I overreact to those obsessive thoughts again?" and I imagined everything being unreal, and a major panic attack followed. That thought about living in a dream freaked me out and made me suicidal again. I knew it was just my imagination, but the impossibility of disproval terrified me. I imagined people being soulless or mindless and I panicked a lot. It was so bad, that I went to the mental hospital, but they didn't want to take me. The doctor just prescribed me a new medication and said I should continue my ongoing therapy, which I did. I distracted myself and tried to live my life as normal as possible and the thoughts vanished away. I also read alot about solipsism and after a few days obsessing about it, it started to bore me. But after a few weeks I developed a constant and high level of anxiety. I couldn't stop walking arround to ease my anxiety. I woke up with anxiety in my stomach everyday and then the thoughts came back arround. I again imagined nothing arround me being real and it caused a severe panic attack. Since then the anxiety attached to those thoughts again. I think about solipsism all day and the odds of being real or not. It made me severe depressed, and everyday is a battle right now, everything feels unreal and pointless, people seem far away. I'm so scared that it might be psychosis, I mean I always read about depersonalized people, who have these kind of thoughts, but I had never severe depersonalization. I felt unreal often and my environment seemed strange, like I was in a foreign land, while being in my hometown, but I always recognized others and myself in the mirror. And all the depersonalized people know, that they just feel unreal and don't really question reality. I do, because my imaginations seem so real. I mean how could these thoughts freak me out and make me suicidal, when I don't believe them? I also ruminate about things in the past, where I had crazy thoughts, which strengthen my fear of being schizophrenic. I have some examples. When I was a kid, I went to the hospital for several examinations, because I had muscle twitches. My anxiety levels were very high back then, because I thought I had a rare motorneuro desease. The first day they tested my heart in many ways, and the first night I asked myself, why they would test my heart, when I have nervous/muscle problems. And then there was that idea, that they would maybe want to steal my heart. This idea made me panick, but I instantly dropped it and never thought about it again, because I recognized it delusional. But wasn't it completely crazy and delusional to just come up with this thought?
Another thing occured, when I was a young teenager. It were holidays, my parrents were away and I was home alone for two weeks. I watched this paranormal activity movie and it freaked me out so much, that I couldn't stop thinking about it for a week. I was so scared there could be a deamon inside our house and I watched out for smallest sound or hint. But my fear vanished after some days. But wasn't this delusional? I know it's normal to be scared after watching a scary movie, but I was obsessed about it for a whole week!
All these things make feel like I must be schizophrenic. How can I not be, when I'm neither really depersonalized, nor seeing my thoughts just as a result of obsessive thinking/anxiety. I panic everytime I think about solipsism, and it's like a compulsion to think about it all day.
I really don't know how to move on, I was on such a good way, but now I hit rock bottom, every new day freaks the hell out of me. The only thing keeping me alive is distracting myself with computergames. :weep:
My current medication is Mirtazapine (30mg), Quetiapine (25mg), Escitalopram (10mg).
Sorry for the long text, but I really needed to share my whole story!
I'm really not sure how much longer I can take this.
best regards
For everyone who doesn't know me: I've been suffering from GAD and depression for 1,5 years now, and I think I've pure O since my childhood (which is not diagnosed). I had compulsive thoughts about hurting/killing loved ones or doing sexual things to them. I tried to ignore them at first but they got so weird, that I thought I must be a psychopath. As an example: when I saw a pregnant woman, I pictured myself punching her in the stomach, I was so terrified by my own thoughts and felt guilty as hell. I'm also suffering from HOCD, I was often ruminating till 7 a.m. figuring out, which sex I'm attracted to. But all those problems were fading when the anxiety and panic started. I had severe panic attacks for a few weeks, followed by constant anxiety and servere depression. I was in hell for like three months. This was when the first existential obsession started. In that three months I freaked out about everything. And then there was this thought: "What if I went crazy without noticing and my parrents are just part of my lunatic imagination?" This thought was so terrifying, that I thought about ending my life for the first time. But I made it through the days somehow and my anxiety and depression eased off and so did the thoughts. I was doing pretty good for about one year. I had a panic attack once in a while, but everything was fine, I could go out with friends, study and do sports; No suicidal thoughts. Only the thoughts about my parents sometimes triggerred fear in me, but I got it under control with distraction and a healthy lifestyle.
But everything changed last christmas. I was sitting at the dinner table with my family and had a severe panic attack. It eased off and everything was okay. I somehow knew I would have problems arround chrsitmas, because I feared all the stress. But I didn't expect it to be so bad. I had another panic attack a few days later (alcohol induced), and fell into the downward spiral of anxiety again. I thought it would never stop and had a muscle pain all over my body. Everyday was exhausting and I felt miserable because of the anxiety and muscle pain/agition. I coped with this symptoms after a few days, but my anxiety levels were still very high. And there was that one night, where I asked myself: "Will I overreact to those obsessive thoughts again?" and I imagined everything being unreal, and a major panic attack followed. That thought about living in a dream freaked me out and made me suicidal again. I knew it was just my imagination, but the impossibility of disproval terrified me. I imagined people being soulless or mindless and I panicked a lot. It was so bad, that I went to the mental hospital, but they didn't want to take me. The doctor just prescribed me a new medication and said I should continue my ongoing therapy, which I did. I distracted myself and tried to live my life as normal as possible and the thoughts vanished away. I also read alot about solipsism and after a few days obsessing about it, it started to bore me. But after a few weeks I developed a constant and high level of anxiety. I couldn't stop walking arround to ease my anxiety. I woke up with anxiety in my stomach everyday and then the thoughts came back arround. I again imagined nothing arround me being real and it caused a severe panic attack. Since then the anxiety attached to those thoughts again. I think about solipsism all day and the odds of being real or not. It made me severe depressed, and everyday is a battle right now, everything feels unreal and pointless, people seem far away. I'm so scared that it might be psychosis, I mean I always read about depersonalized people, who have these kind of thoughts, but I had never severe depersonalization. I felt unreal often and my environment seemed strange, like I was in a foreign land, while being in my hometown, but I always recognized others and myself in the mirror. And all the depersonalized people know, that they just feel unreal and don't really question reality. I do, because my imaginations seem so real. I mean how could these thoughts freak me out and make me suicidal, when I don't believe them? I also ruminate about things in the past, where I had crazy thoughts, which strengthen my fear of being schizophrenic. I have some examples. When I was a kid, I went to the hospital for several examinations, because I had muscle twitches. My anxiety levels were very high back then, because I thought I had a rare motorneuro desease. The first day they tested my heart in many ways, and the first night I asked myself, why they would test my heart, when I have nervous/muscle problems. And then there was that idea, that they would maybe want to steal my heart. This idea made me panick, but I instantly dropped it and never thought about it again, because I recognized it delusional. But wasn't it completely crazy and delusional to just come up with this thought?
Another thing occured, when I was a young teenager. It were holidays, my parrents were away and I was home alone for two weeks. I watched this paranormal activity movie and it freaked me out so much, that I couldn't stop thinking about it for a week. I was so scared there could be a deamon inside our house and I watched out for smallest sound or hint. But my fear vanished after some days. But wasn't this delusional? I know it's normal to be scared after watching a scary movie, but I was obsessed about it for a whole week!
All these things make feel like I must be schizophrenic. How can I not be, when I'm neither really depersonalized, nor seeing my thoughts just as a result of obsessive thinking/anxiety. I panic everytime I think about solipsism, and it's like a compulsion to think about it all day.
I really don't know how to move on, I was on such a good way, but now I hit rock bottom, every new day freaks the hell out of me. The only thing keeping me alive is distracting myself with computergames. :weep:
My current medication is Mirtazapine (30mg), Quetiapine (25mg), Escitalopram (10mg).
Sorry for the long text, but I really needed to share my whole story!
I'm really not sure how much longer I can take this.
best regards