Maybe I cant be fixed, losing all hope

[Cakelady]

I am so lost, I don't know what to do but I cant take this anymore. I am in such a bad place today. I just dont feel i have a life anymore, i just have an existence occupied by fear & i'm battling like hell but i am not winning. I am a coward its why I am still alive, I go to bed almost every night & hope i'll die. I cant take the thoughts in my head. I can get some sort of help with depression but H/A seems to be no big deal & when I pluck up the courage to try to ask for help to tackle it I feel shrugged of. I just want to be normal( or as close as anyone can get). I visited my dads grave yesterday, he died of pancreatic cancer. Walked straight past my mum, we havent talked since before he died. I did everything i could for them, I have a young family but every week i drove York to Edinburgh to be there, we even moved back to Scotland. I tried to find ways to keep him positive, i really did my best & he was doing well. But they turned on me, our relationship has never been great. He died of an infection shortly after, they were at the hospital with him but nobody told me or gave me the chance to be there. I heard from an old friend when the funeral was but I couldn't go because it would have been a witch hunt, mums turned alot of people against me. I went the day after & laid flowers with the children. It doean't matter how hard i try i just f*$k up, maybe i try too hard. The H/A on top of my existing mental illness is just too much, i need it to stop. I can see hope for others but have given up on me. Please dont be too hard on me, really not feeling well

[StrangeQuark]

Oh, Cakelady, I'm so sorry you're feeling so hopeless. I just wanted to say I have read your post, I hear you, and you're not alone. You have experienced a lot of trauma with losing your dad and not having the chance to say goodbye, and with the difficult relationship you have with your mum. No wonder you are feeling down and anxious, and you are suffering physically and mentally.

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? It might be helpful for you to talk about what you've been through and help to process your feelings around losing your dad and your relationship with your mum. Health anxiety doesn't appear out of nowhere, it's a reaction to our minds being under too much stress.

I can see hope for you, and you can come back from this. The fact that you are still here proves that you're a fighter, and stronger than you think. Take care of yourself.

[Cakelady]

Thankyou so much for reply xx

[rainbow]

I feel the same way too! It's so hard is'nt it?

Are you having any therapy at all? It must be so much harder to cope when you have family issues to deal with. I've been seeing an art therapist due to the problems I have with my adult son who has bpd, an addiction to prescription drugs and self harms and overdoses. I think on going stress plays a big part in my HA episodes. My therapist told me yesterday that it's like I'm standing by the edge of my grave just waiting to fall in! She's right, that's basically what it feels like.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

[Cakelady]

Thanks for your reply Rainbow. It really is:( Not at the moment no. Sorry to he's about your son, that must be such a worry for you. Do you find art therapy helpful? I have heard of it but never tried, given my poor success rate with other treatments it might be worth a go. How did you find out about it? Oh gosh that's pretty much how it feels! Thankyou xx

[MyNameIsTerry]

It's awful that you were denied saying goodbye on those occasions. But try to remember that you were there constantly, your dad saw this and would have been very proud of you.

To me, your intentions and what you always strives to do because you loved him counts for more. The funeral is symbolic, what's inside counts for more. :flowers:

Don't be so hard on yourself. I have no doubt you would have rushed straight to the hospital if they had told you. They not only denied you but him too and that is extremely poor behaviour.

[Cakelady]

Thankyou Terry, I try to see it that way, I felt like that about the funeral that it is symbolic but by not being there, if I hadn't already, became the devil in carnate. I just feel hated & most days I try to not over think things but when I am low it hurts more x

[beatroon]

Cakelady, I'm so sorry to hear you feel so bad at the moment. I say 'at the moment' because although it must feel as though it's been going on forever and there's no end in sight, it's important that you know that one day things will seem a little bit lighter, and then a lot lighter.

It sounds like your family have behaved extremely poorly and it would be helpful to talk to a professional about it. You are dealing with a great deal of loss without support at the moment, no wonder you feel bad.

But, there is always hope. I like a quote which someone on here put up ages ago - I think it's on the Citalopram Survival guide - "In the face of this abomination that would take our hearts, we will stand firm, unmoveable, resolute! Defiant to the last warrior! There can be no mercy, no surrender! No forgiveness of those who have betrayed us! No regret that it has come to this!

And we do not despair even now! We remain undaunted by the hounds of hell that snap at our heels and the butcher who demands his due. We must not lose sight of the golden thread of hope which will guide us through the darkness. We must grasp it, for it is the truth which taunts us from the limit of our reach, knowing that only by striving and suffering through this night can we move into a new day."

I have it printed off and carry it round in my pocket with me, for days when the struggle is very hard. I hope you might also find it helpful. As Winston Churchill said, when you're going through hell, keep going….

Much love to you at this difficult time!

[Fishmanpa]

My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression. Her mother suffers from SDD and has struggled for many, many years. I experienced it as well after my illnesses although it never affected me to the point of being debilitating.

My daughter goes to therapy and takes meds and with a lot of hard work, she's doing quite well. She has her moments but knows they're just temporary and with a little work, she has learned how to pull herself up. Facing your demons day after day can be exhausting but also shows a lot of bravery in continuing to fight.

She posted an interesting article (http://thoughtcatalog.com/hayley-greenwood/2017/02/what-it-feels-like-to-have-anxiety-because-it-isnt-us-being-crazy/) that helps explain what it feels like to have anxiety. It certainly gave me some insight. The last part is so true. The only thing I question is the reality check part. I found from experience that sometimes a slap upside the head is a wake up call. It's worked with my daughter and with others I know that suffer. There is a time and place for it.

Keep on going. One foot in front of the other. Be pro-active in your fight and you will overcome.

Positive thoughts

[Cakelady]

Thankyou Beatroon, I like that
Thankyou too, Fishmanpa, your daughters article is really good

Thankyou everyone,I am really grateful for all your kind words today, it has really helped xx

[GlassPinata]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Some days I feel this way too. Like it's absolutely hopeless.
But often, this feeling recedes after awhile, i find reasons to be happy and to keep going, I find ways to distract myself from the misery.
I hope this will be the case for you, and that this bad feeling will pass.
if it doesn't, please seek professional help.

You are not alone.

Best wishes.