Fireflies
09-03-17, 13:27
A couple of weeks ago I started having a Pure-O obsession over anxiety about 'random intrusive thoughts' that pop into my head when trying to sleep, and during the day. I immediately started researching mindfulness, ERP, acceptance, etc. Enter the problem - I'm pretty sure I now spend more time obsessing over my obsessions, and obsessing over having the correct thought processes to treat them, than actually having the intrusive thoughts.
This is an example of my thoughts: "oh, I'm having worrying OCD thought" -> "calm, no reaction" -> "wait that was a thought in response, I'm not supposed to be engaging" -> "is this engaging now?" -> "it must be, because I'm thinking, I need to move my attention to my current task" -> "...But I'm thinking about concentrating on my current task" -> "ah **** I'm doing this all wrong, I'm giving into compulsions, my OCD will never go away if I keep doing this" -> "and thinking that is just as bad, because I'm thinking more!" -> "why can't I just stop" -> "I'm not allowed to think that, I have to accept thoughts" -> etc etc etc.
I just don't know HOW to let the thoughts go. I'm thinking like this 24/7, and I have no idea what else to think about - if I'm not having the obsession, I'm worrying about how I respond to the obsession, and if not that I'm worrying about how much I worry about worrying about the obsession, etc etc.
I feel like the only answer I'm going to get to this is "your problem is so serious you need to see a therapist", but as that's not an option right now, I just wanted to see if anyone else had had thoughts like this, and how they managed to deal with it.
This is an example of my thoughts: "oh, I'm having worrying OCD thought" -> "calm, no reaction" -> "wait that was a thought in response, I'm not supposed to be engaging" -> "is this engaging now?" -> "it must be, because I'm thinking, I need to move my attention to my current task" -> "...But I'm thinking about concentrating on my current task" -> "ah **** I'm doing this all wrong, I'm giving into compulsions, my OCD will never go away if I keep doing this" -> "and thinking that is just as bad, because I'm thinking more!" -> "why can't I just stop" -> "I'm not allowed to think that, I have to accept thoughts" -> etc etc etc.
I just don't know HOW to let the thoughts go. I'm thinking like this 24/7, and I have no idea what else to think about - if I'm not having the obsession, I'm worrying about how I respond to the obsession, and if not that I'm worrying about how much I worry about worrying about the obsession, etc etc.
I feel like the only answer I'm going to get to this is "your problem is so serious you need to see a therapist", but as that's not an option right now, I just wanted to see if anyone else had had thoughts like this, and how they managed to deal with it.