Tired of this!!!!

[ChildOfTheKing]

Hello, a little background.

I had never dealt much with anxiety in the past, though I would get the occasional panic attack every few months or so. The first one I remember having when we had to put our long time family dog to sleep almost two years ago, and then two-three more after that months in-between while working usually after drinking coffee (which I don't drink anymore)

I had a great job, was active, loved having fun. I've always fluctuate between 106-110 lbs to this day.

About a week before this past Christmas I was starting to feel ill, coughing & having general cold/flu symptoms. I took DayQuil tablets before heading to work. For some reason, this didn't sit well with my body and my heart began to pound fast and I began to have classic panic symptoms that whole morning. For the rest of the week I was on a roller coaster of feeling well & unwell, the shortness of breath being the most disturbing one for me. I thought "well thank God I get a few days off for Christmas to feel well again". I never go to the doctor prior to this but I went to see a doctor and the nurse practitioner was examining me, said my heartbeat sounded irregular (but also said it's probably cause I'm anxious) & ordered blood work& an EKG. So that made me feel even more anxious tho the EKG turned out normal but my WBC was a little high from feeling sick. He prescribed antibiotics & a cough medicine & I was on my way.

I continued to feel ill & short of breath the whole week which sent me into a panic. On New year's day my heart was pounding fast, I could hardly breath, & I ran to urgent care thinking something was wrong with my heart. Had an EKG done, chest x ray, and blood work done again. I did have a 101 fever tho. Again everything came out clear and I was prescribed antibiotics along with Paxil as the doctor said I was having anxiety.

I returned to work after the holiday break and didnt like how the Paxil felt so discontinued using it after a few days. At the end of the work week I had been vomiting at work and having an all around rough time. After a few days I was back at the doctor, was prescribed more antibiotics, and ended up in the ER as I couldn't hold anything down. I was in the hospital for about five days on an IV basically rehydrating and flushing my system.

I continued to feel awful even afterward, tho the vomiting ceased. By then I had basically lost my job. Eventually after being in and out of the doctor I was back in the hospital with the shortness of breath (this was a month ago, I spent three days in). Again I had a lot of tests run and my new GP basically said no more antibiotics as the four rounds messed with my system (I had switched doctors by then). I did have a sinus infection and fluid in my ears but that wouldn't respond to antibiotics so it had to run its course.

Everything tested came back clear and my WBC had even returned to normal. The only thing found was that I'm just *slightly* anemic and to take iron pills. Again it was brought to my attention by doctors that I was having a great deal of anxiety. At my follow ups after the stay my doctor prescribed allergy medication (which I admit I do have them pretty bad), reflux meds (stomach problems were still coming & going and the doctor thinks I have GERD), & lexapro (stopped after a few days because it just felt worse)
So here I am now almost three months into when all this mess started. I don't deny that I have anxiety issues, but it didn't start till after I began getting sick. And I still feel so very real symptoms including
Shortness of breath (pretty much constant)
Dizziness (same)
Exhaustion/fatigue
Nausea (occasional)
Brain fog
Occasional chest pains
Palpitations (occasional & random)
Occasional headaches
Trouble swallowing/fear of choking/coughing (recent)

I've had numerous tests run including

4 chest x rays (hospital visits & doctors)
3-4 EKGs (same)
Numerous blood work (same)
Echo cardiogram
D dimer (done a month ago at hospital to rule out clots, WELL within normal limits)
HIDA scan (last month doctor thought my gallbladder might be a problem)
CT of head (headaches were a problem for a good part of January-February)
MRI of head and neck (hospital last month)
Spirometry (had one in January)

All which came out fine. I should be relieved by all this but yet still feel like this? The shortness of breath is what bugs me the most and it's worse when I'm eating lately because I feel like I'm going to choke or aspirating the food in my lungs. This started after a long coughing fit a couple weeks ago while having breakfast. Have kept having them since & even coughed a few times this morning while having breakfast. It's so silly?!

I've had so many fears of why I feel I can't breathe including heart problems, PE (this one keeps scaring me for some reason) pneumonia, heart attack, lung disease. Yet the tests come out fine and I should be relieved and moving on but I still feel symptoms?!
This has totally messed with my life. I was so happy, had a great degree and career, was helping with supporting the house, helped with church, went out, active. Now I can barely leave the house without being fearful that I'm going to just drop, though I'm trying to step out more. No job. I had stopped working out when I got sick and became more sedentary (feeding PE fears) but now trying to move more. In recent times i go an hour brisk walking on the treadmill several times a week which somehow contradicts with my fears that I'm having about my breathing I guess. I go for walks around the block. I go to the store. Yet I'm always thinking about how I can't breathe and I'm dizzy and panicking. Last week I was panicking the whole time while out at the mall with my family, I thought I was going to pass out.

And that's the worst part. I know how much this has affected my family. I know they're fed up and worried at the same time because I'm not who I used to be. My mom even asked if I was going to hurt myself which I have never thought of, it's the opposite I fear dying suddenly!. I feel so dumb and selfish because I should be over this but I'm not! Why do I still feel this way? I get so angry and sad, in tears as I write this. I'm constantly on edge. It's so frustrating and I'm sorry for the long rant. I'm just at a loss for words. I wish this would go away. I should be reassured with all the tests I've had but I'm not. I'm 24, I had such a great life, I shouldnt feel like this. Feel like something was missed and I know it's irrational yet I can't help it. I feel very alone in this.

Again sorry for the length.

---------- Post added at 12:17 ---------- Previous post was at 11:59 ----------

Forgot to add I also get random aches & tension especially in neck & shoulders. I'm also going to start going for counseling this week which I hope will help.

I just really need to vent.

[ChildOfTheKing]

Anyone? I truly do want help with this. The moment I wake up I am thinking about my breathing.

[beatroon]

Hello ChildOfTheKing,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. It does sound as though you have got in a bit of a spiral after an initial 'scare', which, although you have had it checked out and have been told is nothing serious, is continuing to 'scare' you.

The problem with health anxiety is that we become hypervigilant to our symptoms, and that vigilance increases how much we notice those symptoms, and then we get stuck in a feedback loop of worrying/noticing/asking for reassurance. It does sound like there is a lot of that going on here, as you have had a lot of tests and none of them has shown anything.

The question then is 'but can anxiety REALLY create all these symptoms?' and the answer is: yes it can. It is a very powerful thing - essentially the mind backfiring, and we all know how powerful the brain is. Many of us here on these boards have had similar experiences where we can't quite believe it's anxiety causing our problems - but it always turns out to be the case!

So, the good news is that you have identified the probable culprit for why you are feeling so awful and scared. The better news is that it is very treatable. You have already tried a couple of antidepressants but discontinued them due to 'not feeling right', which is fair enough, but sometimes it's worth trying again or persevering through the first couple of weeks, during which anxiety can paradoxically increase. It's great that you are going for therapy: you could also try cognitive behavioural therapy, which has great results for anxiety.

I had a similar fixation on my breathing for many years, so I can absolutely sympathise with where you are. Eventually we figured out that I had hyperventilation syndrome, which is basically where you convince yourself you can't breathe and 'over breathe' to correct it. Over time this becomes your breathing pattern and you have to sort of manually override it. I did this by controlled breathing: in for 4, hold for 4, out for 7 (through the mouth). At first it feels uncomfortable, but after ten minutes or so you'll notice that your breathing gets easier. I think you should try this technique! It really helped me.

Finally: don't beat yourself up! You have got an illness - anxiety - just not the one you initially thought you had. It isn't selfish to be suffering, as long as you are making honest efforts to get better, which you are. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't be getting frustrated and feeling guilty about it. All that's happened is that you've got into a bit of a spiral and you just need to reverse the cycle!

As we say in Britain: keep calm and put the kettle on! Only I see from Twitter recently that you all don't have electric kettles over there. Weird. :)

Good luck, you will be fine, just keep going!

[ChildOfTheKing]

Hello ChildOfTheKing,

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. It does sound as though you have got in a bit of a spiral after an initial 'scare', which, although you have had it checked out and have been told is nothing serious, is continuing to 'scare' you.

The problem with health anxiety is that we become hypervigilant to our symptoms, and that vigilance increases how much we notice those symptoms, and then we get stuck in a feedback loop of worrying/noticing/asking for reassurance. It does sound like there is a lot of that going on here, as you have had a lot of tests and none of them has shown anything.

The question then is 'but can anxiety REALLY create all these symptoms?' and the answer is: yes it can. It is a very powerful thing - essentially the mind backfiring, and we all know how powerful the brain is. Many of us here on these boards have had similar experiences where we can't quite believe it's anxiety causing our problems - but it always turns out to be the case!

So, the good news is that you have identified the probable culprit for why you are feeling so awful and scared. The better news is that it is very treatable. You have already tried a couple of antidepressants but discontinued them due to 'not feeling right', which is fair enough, but sometimes it's worth trying again or persevering through the first couple of weeks, during which anxiety can paradoxically increase. It's great that you are going for therapy: you could also try cognitive behavioural therapy, which has great results for anxiety.

I had a similar fixation on my breathing for many years, so I can absolutely sympathise with where you are. Eventually we figured out that I had hyperventilation syndrome, which is basically where you convince yourself you can't breathe and 'over breathe' to correct it. Over time this becomes your breathing pattern and you have to sort of manually override it. I did this by controlled breathing: in for 4, hold for 4, out for 7 (through the mouth). At first it feels uncomfortable, but after ten minutes or so you'll notice that your breathing gets easier. I think you should try this technique! It really helped me.

Finally: don't beat yourself up! You have got an illness - anxiety - just not the one you initially thought you had. It isn't selfish to be suffering, as long as you are making honest efforts to get better, which you are. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't be getting frustrated and feeling guilty about it. All that's happened is that you've got into a bit of a spiral and you just need to reverse the cycle!

As we say in Britain: keep calm and put the kettle on! Only I see from Twitter recently that you all don't have electric kettles over there. Weird. :)

Good luck, you will be fine, just keep going!

I appreciate your kind words. Indeed I have become consumed and fixated on symptoms, particularly breathing and then think the worst case scenario eg: PE because I had become more sendentary. Which I know is silly because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be worrying about it for months on end and consulting Dr. google (big mistake I know). Yet as silly as I know it is I go into a constant cycle of panic and fixation. And then the constant dizziness as well, but both feed each other quite a bit (breathing and dizziness) I think.

I have tried the breathing technique but tend to get uncomfortable or feel I can't do it, but I need to keep at it. Would prefer not to take medication for anxiety but if need be I will give it another go.

Yesterday evening I went for a long brisk walk at the park and jogged for a short bit which again, contradicts my fears since I wasn't barreling over tho I was tired at the end.

I think it's been hard to accept it's anxiety since I've never had this kind of stuff happen. Occasional panic attack and have always been a bit of an over analyzing type, but definitely never like this.

[beatroon]

I think the word 'consumed' is so helpful here. That's exactly what it's like - you just get eaten up. The trick is to start to reverse the cycle, even though it's hard at first - that's exactly what you've started to do, which is brilliant! Soon you'll be taking huge bites out of the anxiety instead of it taking a chunk out of you whenever it wants to.

The breathing technique will feel uncomfortable at first. That's because your body has got used to a certain way of doing things, and so it will tell you you're hungry for air, but if you just schedule to do it a couple of times a day, it will get easier. I think you will notice an improvement if you have another go.

As for the medication, I think there can be all sorts of psychological barriers to taking it, which are completely understandable, and it is a very individual choice. Many people on here (including myself) do benefit, and many people prefer not to take them, so it's different strokes for different folks. I can't say what's right for you, but I would encourage you to be open-minded about the possible benefits and don't write them off because you fear appearing weak or don't want to be the kind of person who takes tablets etc. We are at an interesting cultural crossroads where there is still stigma attached to taking medication, but it's good to know they are an option if you really need them.

I also think that recognising that your symptoms are anxiety-related is a hard step, but one which is necessary to take. It seems completely counter-intuitive ("how can this all be 'just' anxiety!!?"), but acceptance is key to understanding the trick that anxiety plays.

There are lots of good books on anxiety which might be worth checking out. The Claire Weekes 'Self-Help For Your Nerves' is an absolute classic which many people swear by. In this, she is very clear about the need to accept your anxiety symptoms for what they are, and to just keep going regardless. I'm sure you can find other good recommendations on these boards by having a little potter about.

Keep on keeping on! I'm putting the kettle on here in GB so will pour a cup for you and mentally toast your continued health!

[ChildOfTheKing]

I truly appreciate your kindness and advice. Definitely open minded to meds and not worried about stigma tho, I just really felt worse when I took them. But I am still open.

I will give the breathing methods a try. Ugh, woke up this morning and wasn't thinking about anything because I was distracted by my blurry left eye (I have allergies) and then started thinking about my breathing. Jeez!

First counseling session today, a bit panicked but it's necessary.

[ChildOfTheKing]

Well had counseling this morning & the counselor sorted through not only the constant anxiety I've had for the last 3 months, but also when the panic attacks began back when my dog died. She thinks I may have problems dealing with loss, death, loss of control, etc. Also have social anxiety which I figured to be true too. She gave me some "homework" along with a coloring book for relaxing (which made me lol). Basically said to stay distracted which I'm trying my best but still focus a lot on my breathing.

Later on I went to the gym and was on the treadmill, doing a brisk walk for about an hour but also did some jogging. I was doing pretty good for a few minutes but panicked when my chest started hurting so I slowed down.

[snowghost57]

I didn't write this, I saw it today on another post and I saved it in a word document.

Enjoy!

Snow

A little story for you which might sound silly but bear with it because there is a point to it as it's what I feel happens to a lot of people, including me too years ago.

Firstly though, I think health anxiety must be one of the most common symptoms of anxiety these days for what I think is the following reason -

A parrot is flying around in the forest literally as free as a bird but he one day his food runs out so has to venture closer to mankind until one day he's caught and put in a cage.

The owner looks after him by giving him food and water but he no longer has any freedom. The parrot spends all day every day sifting through the seed the owner provides, deciding which is edible and which he has to put to one side. Although he's being cared for by his owner, his only chore is sorting his feed within his cage.

The parrot gets so frustrated that he can no longer be free, he gets very depressed. He tries to ignore his depressed state by attempting to focus on sorting his feed but spending day in, day out just sorting his feed becomes very mundane. He finds himself depressed from loss of freedom and then combined with the boredom of sorting his feed, he starts feeling very stressed because he can see no way out of his situation. He becomes a very depressed and very stressed parrot just surviving in a cage with only a mundane chore to keep his mind occupied.

As time goes by, he finds his mind wandering but not on to happy thoughts because he is feeling so depressed and stressed. Instead he starts looking at his feathers, and one by one he finds fault with each one. He becomes worried by every tiny imperfection he finds in each feather so gradually one by one he starts pulling his feathers out until he becomes a very depressed, stressed and now completely bald parrot.

However, even after he's lost all his feathers, he then starts looking at himself further, analyzing every tiny detail about his body from head to feet and finds he just can't help himself.

One day though the owner accidently leaves the cage door open so the parrot hops out and walks to freedom. Well, he can't fly because he's pulled all his feathers out. He hops out of the house and fids somewhere where he feels safe. However, this place he finds safe, he cannot leave because there are too many cats prowling around his shelter so again, although he's somewhere he feels safe, he's still trapped, still depressed, still stressed and still analyzing himself.

As time goes by though, his feathers grow back and he finds himself able to fly once more. He takes off and flies back to the forest. He's free and able to enjoy himself doing all the things that makes him happy. In time, he no longer feels depressed and no longer stressed. In fact he's so busy with so many things he enjoys occupying his mind that he forgets all about analyzing himself too. He simply doesn't have time because he's too busy enjoying himself.

So, picture yourself as the parrot, going to work doing a job you don't enjoy, that could be mundane, stressful or depressing, finding yourself with too much time to think, dwelling on constant negative thoughts, worries and fears because of your depressed state, longing to be free but when freedom arrives, you find yourself trapped at home with nothing to keep your mind occupied...until one day you find that enjoyable interesting job that keeps your mind occupied.

Anxiety loves a bored stressed depressed mind. It thrives on attention but it hates the mind that is happy and too occupied enjoying itself doing something that is really interesting. Anxiety can't compete with that.

As for me, I tried most med’s but none had any lasting effect. The dose kept being increased each time they lost their effect and the reason was because the underlying causes weren't being addressed which were my job and home life which were causing me so much stress making me so depressed. Only when I sorted things did I learn how to manage my anxiety.

When we feel stressed and depressed, these feelings make anxiety symptoms and worries feel more real because anxiety thrives on the fuel we feel like that, and that's why I think so many people suffer from health anxiety because so many people feel trapped in jobs that are too stressful and don't enjoy. For instance, how many people look forward to Mondays on here and I would be surprised if there were that many.

One last thought, I do feel medications can help us along the road to recovery but the best chance of finding a way to live without them is to focus on the underlying causes of an individual’s anxiety because I feel there's always a cause for everyone. In your case, it sounds like it was the bullying but if you find a job you enjoy with friendly colleagues I think you'll soon find yourself in a happier place. That's what worked for me.
__________________
To be free of anxiety is FREE because the cure is in YOU, tis TRUE

[ErinKC]

Well had counseling this morning & the counselor sorted through not only the constant anxiety I've had for the last 3 months, but also when the panic attacks began back when my dog died. She thinks I may have problems dealing with loss, death, loss of control, etc. Also have social anxiety which I figured to be true too. She gave me some "homework" along with a coloring book for relaxing (which made me lol). Basically said to stay distracted which I'm trying my best but still focus a lot on my breathing.

I'm so glad you're seeing someone! My therapist saved me when my anxiety was bad like this. Mine came in similarly, too, but happened after having a baby. I'd had minor moments of anxiety for years, but always short lived and easily handles. Then boom, it was like getting run over by a train. And it was all health focused because of a fear of leaving my new daughter.

Stay open to meds if you and your doctor and councilor think they are warranted. I know from friends they can make you feel awful at first until you adjust. I was given a prescription, but the therapy helped me so dramatically that I never needed to start it.

I also used coloring books per my therapist's suggestion!

[ChildOfTheKing]

I didn't write this, I saw it today on another post and I saved it in a word document.

Enjoy!

Snow

A little story for you which might sound silly but bear with it because there is a point to it as it's what I feel happens to a lot of people, including me too years ago.

Firstly though, I think health anxiety must be one of the most common symptoms of anxiety these days for what I think is the following reason -

A parrot is flying around in the forest literally as free as a bird but he one day his food runs out so has to venture closer to mankind until one day he's caught and put in a cage.

The owner looks after him by giving him food and water but he no longer has any freedom. The parrot spends all day every day sifting through the seed the owner provides, deciding which is edible and which he has to put to one side. Although he's being cared for by his owner, his only chore is sorting his feed within his cage.

The parrot gets so frustrated that he can no longer be free, he gets very depressed. He tries to ignore his depressed state by attempting to focus on sorting his feed but spending day in, day out just sorting his feed becomes very mundane. He finds himself depressed from loss of freedom and then combined with the boredom of sorting his feed, he starts feeling very stressed because he can see no way out of his situation. He becomes a very depressed and very stressed parrot just surviving in a cage with only a mundane chore to keep his mind occupied.

As time goes by, he finds his mind wandering but not on to happy thoughts because he is feeling so depressed and stressed. Instead he starts looking at his feathers, and one by one he finds fault with each one. He becomes worried by every tiny imperfection he finds in each feather so gradually one by one he starts pulling his feathers out until he becomes a very depressed, stressed and now completely bald parrot.

However, even after he's lost all his feathers, he then starts looking at himself further, analyzing every tiny detail about his body from head to feet and finds he just can't help himself.

One day though the owner accidently leaves the cage door open so the parrot hops out and walks to freedom. Well, he can't fly because he's pulled all his feathers out. He hops out of the house and fids somewhere where he feels safe. However, this place he finds safe, he cannot leave because there are too many cats prowling around his shelter so again, although he's somewhere he feels safe, he's still trapped, still depressed, still stressed and still analyzing himself.

As time goes by though, his feathers grow back and he finds himself able to fly once more. He takes off and flies back to the forest. He's free and able to enjoy himself doing all the things that makes him happy. In time, he no longer feels depressed and no longer stressed. In fact he's so busy with so many things he enjoys occupying his mind that he forgets all about analyzing himself too. He simply doesn't have time because he's too busy enjoying himself.

So, picture yourself as the parrot, going to work doing a job you don't enjoy, that could be mundane, stressful or depressing, finding yourself with too much time to think, dwelling on constant negative thoughts, worries and fears because of your depressed state, longing to be free but when freedom arrives, you find yourself trapped at home with nothing to keep your mind occupied...until one day you find that enjoyable interesting job that keeps your mind occupied.

Anxiety loves a bored stressed depressed mind. It thrives on attention but it hates the mind that is happy and too occupied enjoying itself doing something that is really interesting. Anxiety can't compete with that.

As for me, I tried most med’s but none had any lasting effect. The dose kept being increased each time they lost their effect and the reason was because the underlying causes weren't being addressed which were my job and home life which were causing me so much stress making me so depressed. Only when I sorted things did I learn how to manage my anxiety.

When we feel stressed and depressed, these feelings make anxiety symptoms and worries feel more real because anxiety thrives on the fuel we feel like that, and that's why I think so many people suffer from health anxiety because so many people feel trapped in jobs that are too stressful and don't enjoy. For instance, how many people look forward to Mondays on here and I would be surprised if there were that many.

One last thought, I do feel medications can help us along the road to recovery but the best chance of finding a way to live without them is to focus on the underlying causes of an individual’s anxiety because I feel there's always a cause for everyone. In your case, it sounds like it was the bullying but if you find a job you enjoy with friendly colleagues I think you'll soon find yourself in a happier place. That's what worked for me.
__________________
To be free of anxiety is FREE because the cure is in YOU, tis TRUE

Thank you for sharing. We all are that parrot I think. My counselor said I've likely had a number of things in my head that I never dealt with and it all snowballed.

---------- Post added at 21:05 ---------- Previous post was at 20:58 ----------


I'm so glad you're seeing someone! My therapist saved me when my anxiety was bad like this. Mine came in similarly, too, but happened after having a baby. I'd had minor moments of anxiety for years, but always short lived and easily handles. Then boom, it was like getting run over by a train. And it was all health focused because of a fear of leaving my new daughter.

Stay open to meds if you and your doctor and councilor think they are warranted. I know from friends they can make you feel awful at first until you adjust. I was given a prescription, but the therapy helped me so dramatically that I never needed to start it.

I also used coloring books per my therapist's suggestion!

I am open to meds if need be tho would prefer not to. But yes I have began to accept all that I'm constantly feeling is anxiety and the adrenaline going nonstop. It's still a huge struggle between "oh my god they missed something" and "it's just anxiety" but it takes time.

Funny thing is, when I've fallen asleep on the couch and my mom happens to walk over and check on me, she says I'm breathing just fine when I sleep. No struggle or anything just normal. So it's a battle in the mind.