Understanding Ex's Anxiety

[strawberries]

Hi all,

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, and I'm just having a hard time understanding it. We were doing very well, he was always so loving and showering me with kisses and kind words. Then I flew home for a vacation to see my family and he flew to another country on a business trip. We were exchanging loving messages for two days then suddenly he went silent. That night I received an e-mail from him saying that we're breaking up and I can't go back home to his house where I was living at the time.

I know he has anxiety and other issues, and he takes medication for them. I have a few issues too that he's been wanting me to take therapy for.

It was just so sudden that he broke up with me. No fights, no warning, nothing. He won't really explain exactly why he's breaking up. Just that he has to "find and rescue himself first".

After we broke up he agreed to pay for my therapy for 10 sessions. He said I could come to his house anytime to pick up my things (I have been doing it little by little; I now live a 10-minute walk from him), but last week he gave me some really sweet presents and when I tried to hug him thank you he just suddenly said, "I want to set boundaries where we don't hug anymore". I got ANGRY. Not because I feel entitled to hugs but knowing I have issues myself he could have sat me down properly and explained why! He keeps doing this: retreating from me then throwing money or gifts at me thinking that all makes it okay.

I think he made us both worse by initiating this break up. So since the presents (which I shoved back into his hands and told him to shove his therapy money because I don't need shit from him) I stopped going to his house and stopped getting my things personally, instead having a friend pass all our communication between us (this friend did tell him to not stop paying for my therapy regardless of what I said, to which the ex agreed).

What I'm trying to understand is how can this all happen. He acted like he loved me so much and that I was the most precious thing on this earth, then suddenly I'm shut out and nobody in his life. I care about him so much but it's so hard being shut out like this, and being given money like it's some kind of bandaid.

I'm thinking of maybe having no direct contact with him for a month, and then maybe see how he's doing, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. But I'm also hopeful that we can still get back together and I'm afraid if I wait too long, he'll just stop caring and move on.

Please, if anyone can give me some insight on this, I'd be very grateful.

[Fishmanpa]

Without more details, it's difficult to surmise what happened.

That being said, his reasons ("find and rescue himself first") are valid and your responses/reactions will only push him further away.

I think taking a break and staying away is a good idea.

I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do.

[Phuzella]

In my opinion, I'm glad you got angry and not clingy.

And look after yourself :)

[strawberries]

Thank you very much. I'm just not sure what information to give or to leave out since I don't want to make my post unnecessarily long. I started living with him as just friends and he was under a lot of stress from his past relationship and he was having a lot of fits -- slamming fists on tables, throwing breakables to the floor, and even lashing out at me directly sometimes. But I knew that he had issues and I understood why he was doing these so I took care of him and held him through everything. Then over the winter holidays we went on a trip together for two weeks and everything was perfect (I was afraid I would have to handle him during a meltdown during the holiday, but not one surfaced) and he told me that he's fallen in love with me. I told him to really make sure and take a long hard think before I agreed to enter a relationship with him.

But I also have my own issues -- I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and he says that I have PTSD from them. I also have a lot of insecurity and abandonment issues. So one day I had a meltdown. And that scared him. A week later was when he broke up with me.

It's just that over our friendship and our relationship he promised he would always look after me and care for me. Granted, even after we're broken up, he's footing the bill for my therapy (DBT) and has also given me some financial assistance here and there, but physically he is pushing me away.

And I'm just wondering, is that how it is with anxiety? That it keeps you from loving people properly and makes you unable to keep promises? It's so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that one day he was telling me how much he loves me then the next day he's breaking up and running and pushing away, and to top it off refuses to explain anything.

[KeeKee]

If he has anger issues, perhaps he is scared in case he hurts you? I have anger issues too, I usually release it by swearing and eating, but there have been times in the past where I was terrified I'd hit a loved one.

Is it possible he could have met somebody else? I'm sorry if that's an upsetting suggestion, I just think it seems funny how he was on a business trip and all of a sudden went quiet.

There could be so many reasons though and without him confirming it, there's no way of knowing. If he will not speak to you then I think you should try to move on. If it's his anxiety then I'm sure he'll let you know eventually when he's ready.

I've recently broke up with my longterm partner. He is similar and won't discuss our relationship. One minute he barely texts the next he's cuddling me etc. It's very stressful and when he's nice I find I miss him more so wish he'd just be rude and ignorant so I can move on.

[strawberries]

Thanks for replying, KeeKee.

I was wondering about that, that he thinks he's doing it for my own good that he's breaking up with me. He kept telling me that he was terrible to me, that he didn't treat me nicely and he was lashing out at me. But I don't know, I really have a hard time believing that anyone can be that selfless. It sounds too much like a movie, you know? Sacrificing being with someone you love because you don't feel worthy of them. It just doesn't seem like something that happens in real life.

I deal with (milder) anxiety as well, and believe me, normally the thought him meeting someone else would be something I'd be entertaining. But it was only the second day of his business trip, and he was just sending me loving messages that morning. It seems way too unlikely, even for the way I think.

He did tell me that someday he will explain, but when he is ready. He said this a month ago. And I know that a month isn't that long, but really, I just feel that the longer he waits the less likely it is that we can get back together.

And I know that everyone will be telling me to move on, but if he still cares about me but is just dealing with fear, I want to stick around and see if he can conquer that fear. It's stupid I know, but it's what I want, at least for now.

[Catherine S]

You say you've got your own issues from being in emotionally abusive relationships in the past, and it looks like you're in another one, except that this one sounds like there's also a bit of physical stuff going on too....he sometimes smashes things and has also hit out at you directly? It looks as if him calling it a day has done you a favour to be honest. He's made that decision so now is the time to walk away.

Relationships are meant to make you feel better about yourself not worse, always remember that. A good healthy relationship adds something extra to you, it doesn't take it away. There has to be a time when you have to say 'enough', you can't fix everyone, but you can look after yourself.

ISB x

[strawberries]

ISB, no he has never laid a hand on me, ever. And even when he smashes things, they are from him feeling stressed about something but it's never out of anger directed at me. By lashing out at me, I mean in the form of snapping at me or being very impatient and easily annoyed. But never physically intimidating me.

That's the thing, I *thought* it was a healthy relationship because he was always so loving and supportive. He's always praising me for being such a great artist and was encouraging me to quit my job so I can make art again and he'll worry about the bills. He'd offer to buy me anything I looked at in a store. He would brush my hair and clean the house, only giving me the easiest chores, and encouraged me to be happy and remember my worth. It felt like anything that made me happy, he would want to give to me.

Which is why this was such a huge unexpected surprise. No one, absolutely no one, saw it coming. Every person who's met us said the same thing -- that it was so clear in the way he spoke about me and the way he looked at me and treated me that he loved me so much. And it's not just his public face like what abusers do. It's the same thing in private. There was no doubt in my mind that this person loved me.

Like I said, I've had abusive relationships before so I know how they work: the build up, then the breaking down, then giving you a little bit so you'll stay before they mistreat you again. Also the kind public face they show everyone and the mean person you see in private. I'm familiar with all that. He was nothing like that. Which is why I'm so confused.