View Full Version : Scared to be happy
This episode of HA has been on going for 6 months now, recently I've been feeling a little better mentally and symptom wise but something tells me that I shouldn't be too complacent and that I should be ready for the next bad thing to happen. I know this s still the anxiety at play but how can I let myself relax and enjoy feeling a bit better without the fear of repercussions?
I know, it's like walking on a tightrope.
I worry about being happy "just incase" something happens. It's dreadful. Absolutely horrible and torture.
It's such a hard way to live, I really want to enjoy the times that I'm feeling better but always feel like I'm tempting fate.
Nightmare isn't it?:( My best days are when I somehow manage not to check my latest absurd obsession ( veins, moles, nails, eyes, goes on & on) but its always in the back of my mind that by not checking it will be worse when I do....doesn't make any sense but its how I feel. I need a holiday from this damn h/a...xx
I'm playing a bit of armchair psychologist but I'm going to suggest something that may or may not make sense but it's worth bringing up. I've actually brought this up before on other threads.
Codependency:
An excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.
In many ways and for many sufferers, their anxiety is their partner and they're in a codependent relationship with it. Despite the fact it treats you like poo and makes you miserable, it's become your life and what you know and in some twisted way, you believe you deserve it. To be without it, no matter how beneficial it may be, causes you even more stress. It's as you said... How an you be happy without the fear of repercussions? You're afraid to be happy because your abusive partner (anxiety) will come down hard on you.
The way out of an abusive relationship is difficult for many but that's what needs to be done to break the cycle of abuse and self abuse and the longer the relationship lasts, the harder it is to break away from. You've been in this abusive relationship with Mr. Anxiety for a long time so it makes sense that you're having difficulty breaking away. It can be done and the way out in this case is therapy and/or meds if they can help.
Just some food for thought and a different perspective.
Positive thoughts
I can certainly relate to that.
Are you trying any therapy tactics? CBT and Its many variants are really the only way to best it.
Nightmare isn't it?:( My best days are when I somehow manage not to check my latest absurd obsession ( veins, moles, nails, eyes, goes on & on) but its always in the back of my mind that by not checking it will be worse when I do....doesn't make any sense but its how I feel. I need a holiday from this damn h/a...xx
The checking compulsions are horrendous, once you get into that cycle it's hard to break. Really had enough of this now.
---------- Post added at 12:25 ---------- Previous post was at 12:17 ----------
I'm playing a bit of armchair psychologist but I'm going to suggest something that may or may not make sense but it's worth bringing up. I've actually brought this up before on other threads.
Codependency:
An excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.
In many ways and for many sufferers, their anxiety is their partner and they're in a codependent relationship with it. Despite the fact it treats you like poo and makes you miserable, it's become your life and what you know and in some twisted way, you believe you deserve it. To be without it, no matter how beneficial it may be, causes you even more stress. It's as you said... How an you be happy without the fear of repercussions? You're afraid to be happy because your abusive partner (anxiety) will come down hard on you.
The way out of an abusive relationship is difficult for many but that's what needs to be done to break the cycle of abuse and self abuse and the longer the relationship lasts, the harder it is to break away from. You've been in this abusive relationship with Mr. Anxiety for a long time so it makes sense that you're having difficulty breaking away. It can be done and the way out in this case is therapy and/or meds if they can help.
Just some food for thought and a different perspective.
Positive thoughts
Thank you, that makes such perfect sense.
Some days I almost feel back to my old self but the anxiety tells me not to let my guard down because something bad will happen. I'm not one of these people that thinks "why me?" I'm more "it has to be me".
I actually managed to go to town with my 25 year old daughter after her asking me many times. It wasn't too bad really and I enjoyed spending the time with my daughter. She was really pleased too 😊
---------- Post added at 12:26 ---------- Previous post was at 12:25 ----------
I can certainly relate to that.
Are you trying any therapy tactics? CBT and Its many variants are really the only way to best it.
I've been referred for cbt but could be a considerable time until I get an appointment.
ServerError
15-03-17, 12:33
I can tell you this: if and when something bad does happen, I don't intend to look back at when everything was fine and wish I'd allowed myself to be happy. Happiness is more of a choice than we realise. Last year, I had to decide whether to live in perpetual fear and misery, or to find some happiness. I found the latter, and I recommend it.
And just to be clear, I'm not suggesting that people with depression/anxiety and serious mood disorders should just snap out of it. :)
Nobody should ever let their guard down when it comes to your health, but there's a difference between vigilance and obsession. Females are asked to perform regular breast exams, males should do regular testicular checks, over 50's are required to perform regular bowel screenings etc.
You have to learn to draw the line between sensible observation and and looking for a disease that you think you know is coming. You are at no more risk than anyone else, thinking "it has to be me" is just magical thinking. If people could really foresee their illnesses then nobody would get ill.
Try to accept that we can and do get sick. We're human, our bodies are machines that have parts that can go wrong on us. If and when that does happen, our bodies generally aren't shy about letting us know.
Compulsively searching for problems and fearing future illness is only making your current good health....well, unhealthy.
I've been referred for cbt but could be a considerable time until I get an appointment.
But you did download worksheets and can do self help courses online? Why sit around and stew until your referral come around. Start tackling it yourself and get a head start!
Positive thoughts
I am trying to help myself with the online cbt, have taken some extra shifts at work and have managed to go out with my daughter which is a definite step forward. It's just the niggling anxiety that's getting me down.
This is my everyday fight....it's horrible!
This is my everyday fight....it's horrible!
It's hard work is'nt it? Just living day to day just now
Well, a year and 2 months after writing this post I am sadly no further forward. I still worry about being happy and not worrying. I honestly believe this is my life now, there's no way out of it 😢
ServerError
26-05-18, 13:44
What are you doing to try to improve the situation?
What are you doing to try to improve the situation?
That was my question as well. Are you doing the online CBT that was talked about initially? How's that been going? How did the referred CBT sessions go? I equate healing with working out. Nine times out of ten, someone will complain about not losing weight but they're not exercising or maintaining proper nutrition. Same goes for mental health. You have to really commit and do the work. Like physical health, sometimes you need a trainer (mental health professional).
Positive thoughts
I'm always scared to be content or happy because I feel like I'm tempting fate and inviting bad things in...and then I'll be like 'I knew it, I'm not meant to be happy!' It's a vicious cycle and at the end of the day, ups and downs are normal in life. We should be able to make the most of the good days when we get them, rather than ruining it by thinking about the bad days....it's a cruel life, sometimes.
What are you doing to try to improve the situation?
I was having cbt but my appointments were only around every 5 weeks and my therapist actually made me feel worse, I just didn't feel any benefit from seeing her so I decided not to keep going. Also getting to my appointments was getting increasingly more difficult for me as I find going out anywhere apart from my work extremely stressful.
---------- Post added at 19:07 ---------- Previous post was at 19:03 ----------
That was my question as well. Are you doing the online CBT that was talked about initially? How's that been going? How did the referred CBT sessions go? I equate healing with working out. Nine times out of ten, someone will complain about not losing weight but they're not exercising or maintaining proper nutrition. Same goes for mental health. You have to really commit and do the work. Like physical health, sometimes you need a trainer (mental health professional).
Positive thoughts
I started doing the online cbt but stopped when I was seeing my therapist. I want to get better but its not easy, I just get through each day, i'm not really living. I know its my fault and I am trying to think more positively but the dark thoughts keep coming.
---------- Post added at 19:09 ---------- Previous post was at 19:07 ----------
I'm always scared to be content or happy because I feel like I'm tempting fate and inviting bad things in...and then I'll be like 'I knew it, I'm not meant to be happy!' It's a vicious cycle and at the end of the day, ups and downs are normal in life. We should be able to make the most of the good days when we get them, rather than ruining it by thinking about the bad days....it's a cruel life, sometimes.
You sound just like me! I agree, we are ruining our lives and it's such a waste of our time in this world.
Sometimes a therapist and a patient just don't mesh. Perhaps try someone else? You owe it to yourself to try! Don't give up!
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Sometimes a therapist and a patient just don't mesh. Perhaps try someone else? You owe it to yourself to try! Don't give up!
Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk
We definitely didn't click, she made me feel a lot worse. I had an art therapist before who was amazing, hoping to try and see her again. So tired of feeling scared every single day.
Check out EFT health anxiety on YouTube. There are so many kind doctors/therapist who put videos on YouTube and they are so helpful. It’s hard at first because it feels weird and silly and then you also have to say a lot of things about loving yourself and obviously if you think you don’t deserve happiness that’s going to be difficult at first. We all deserve happiness, we just have to realize it’s self made. No one can do it for us. Check out the videos.
I completely understand. :(
MyNameIsTerry
09-06-18, 01:51
Check out EFT health anxiety on YouTube. There are so many kind doctors/therapist who put videos on YouTube and they are so helpful. It’s hard at first because it feels weird and silly and then you also have to say a lot of things about loving yourself and obviously if you think you don’t deserve happiness that’s going to be difficult at first. We all deserve happiness, we just have to realize it’s self made. No one can do it for us. Check out the videos.
I would add to this to look into Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT) and Compassion Meditation. Learning to send self loving thoughts to yourself. It's going to help with self esteem.
It's also interesting that some studies of meditation impact on the brain shows thickening of the areas associated with positivity & compassion and thinning of the fear based areas.
I completely understand. :(
I'm sorry you feel the same way 😢
---------- Post added at 13:44 ---------- Previous post was at 13:41 ----------
I will look into EFT and CFT, i'm not sure anything will help tbh. I can't get the futility of life out of my head, why are we here? What's the point in it all, everything we do in life, the relationships we make, everything, then we die. I just don't get it!
MyNameIsTerry
09-06-18, 14:23
Everyone thinks of it from time to time especially as we age. But there is no answer which makes it a bad bedfellow for anxiety which graves 100% answers all the time.
I find it's best to make your peace with things like this and move on. Learn to say "who cares" and focus on things that you can have an impact on in your life. Dismissing it can also mean saying their is no point without sinking into low mood over that because it becomes another version of "who cares".
Everyone thinks of it from time to time especially as we age. But there is no answer which makes it a bad bedfellow for anxiety which graves 100% answers all the time.
I find it's best to make your peace with things like this and move on. Learn to say "who cares" and focus on things that you can have an impact on in your life. Dismissing it can also mean saying their is no point without sinking into low mood over that because it becomes another version of "who cares".
I don't know why it's become such an issue but it's on my mind all the time. I want to be a happy, life loving person but I live in fear of it all being snatched away. Can I ever be properly happy again?
I don't know why it's become such an issue but it's on my mind all the time. I want to be a happy, life loving person but I live in fear of it all being snatched away. Can I ever be properly happy again?
I truly believe it comes down to acceptance of the unknown which is the root of so many fears and issues here. I also believe it comes down to living in the present as much you're able. I know mindfulness is all about that and it takes practice and dedication. Really no different than a healthy diet or exercise routine, just mental instead of physical.
IMO, the key is to find a positive behavior and build on it. I've been doing the Positive Thoughts thread for several years. In real life, I've been doing that since the 90's. I can't even imagine my life without reading a positive thought first thing every morning. I often meditate on it, look into who wrote it and what inspired it. It reminds me that we all face adversity and can overcome it.
We often set expectations far above the realities. Examine what it means to you to be "properly" happy and start with one thing that will get you there. We may never achieve the goals we set for ourselves but it's better to shoot an arrow into the sky than to aim at the ground.
Positive thoughts
I wonder how many people could articulate just what they mean by being "properly happy"? Does it mean living without a care in the world because that isn't realistic. There is no cure for living with all the challenges life throws at every one of us.
I wonder how many people could articulate just what they mean by being "properly happy"? Does it mean living without a care in the world because that isn't realistic. There is no cure for living with all the challenges life throws at every one of us.
I believe "properly happy" is something different for everyone. It takes some serious introspection but I think most can come up with a short bullet list.
Positive thoughts
I truly believe it comes down to acceptance of the unknown which is the root of so many fears and issues here. I also believe it comes down to living in the present as much you're able. I know mindfulness is all about that and it takes practice and dedication. Really no different than a healthy diet or exercise routine, just mental instead of physical.
IMO, the key is to find a positive behavior and build on it. I've been doing the Positive Thoughts thread for several years. In real life, I've been doing that since the 90's. I can't even imagine my life without reading a positive thought first thing every morning. I often meditate on it, look into who wrote it and what inspired it. It reminds me that we all face adversity and can overcome it.
We often set expectations far above the realities. Examine what it means to you to be "properly" happy and start with one thing that will get you there. We may never achieve the goals we set for ourselves but it's better to shoot an arrow into the sky than to aim at the ground.
Positive thoughts
I don't think i'm afraid of dying as much as just not seeing the point of being born, living a life, collecting things, making friendships/relationships, acheiving things, just for it all to have been for nothing! I know we should "live in the moment" but it's not always easy to do so. The years are passing quickly and all too soon our lives will be over.
I don't think i'm afraid of dying as much as just not seeing the point of being born, living a life, collecting things, making friendships/relationships, acheiving things, just for it all to have been for nothing!
That's a matter of perspective. I just don't see it that way :shrug:
"Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we handle it" - Charles Swindoll
It's about attitude IMO. That is the ONE thing we have 100% control over.
Positive thoughts
I wonder how many people could articulate just what they mean by being "properly happy"? Does it mean living without a care in the world because that isn't realistic. There is no cure for living with all the challenges life throws at every one of us.
For me being "properly happy" means being able to feel happiness instead of having to pretend that i'm happy, to be able to look forward to things without this huge grey cloud hanging over me, not to be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I just want to get out of this hell that has been my life for almost 2 years constantly. I'm tired of putting on a happy face and forcing the laughter and conversation when all I want to do is sleep so that I don't have to think. If i'm not worrying about my health i'm worrying about my families health.
One other thought. I would much rather throw caution to the wind and enjoy my life than to reach the end and realize I spent it miserable worrying about it.
There's a story about a Fix news contributor/reporter that recently revealed he has weeks to live. His letter (http://www.foxnews.com/politics/interactive/2018/06/08/fox-news-charles-krauthammer-says-goodbye-to-colleagues-friends-and-viewers.html) is a perfect example of what I'm talking about.
We never know what tomorrow will bring let alone the next minute. The worst regrets are not the things we've done but the things we didn't do due to fear.
Positive thoughts
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