View Full Version : Just moaning......again.
I'm in such a mood don't know where else to vent
My one friend is abroad so I can't moan to them.
I'm feeling really, ridiculously crappy and truly fed up. With the warmer weather now approaching I'm finding it very hard to leave the house. My face is a greasy mess, I've had a break out even though I'm using a topical retinoid (guess it could be warmer weather and greasy skin), I haven't had a working vacuum for around 3 weeks and can't afford a new one (although I'm enquiring about a used one on Gumtree), I feel really really horrendous.
My ex partner is letting me down all the time with things such as helping me to tidy up the house. I won't go under beds or anywhere that's been untouched for years due to mh spider phobia so need somebody to help me but he's always late or just doesn't bother coming so I've yet to do that. My daughter is still not tidying her room and I feel like hitting the roof. I've already binned 2 or 3 black bags of her things before Christmas and really though that would have made her keep up with her room but seems she doesn't care.
I just want to bin everything. Even clothes if it means having a tidy house. I probably shouldn't admit it but my house has been a depressing mess since 2009 when my ex partner moved in with us. We've even been told off by the housing association for the mess but I just don't know what to do. I'm finding every single tiny issue to be overwhelming such as my cats snoring, it makes me want to scream, I can't stand hearing my daughter say 'wif' instead of 'with' it makes me feel physically angry. I get annoyed when I'm hot, annoyed when I'm itchy, annoyed because I've started eating healthier than ever before and haven't lost any weight (it's only been 2.5 weeks but I used to binge every night and never gain weight so don't understand how I'm not losing even though I've cut out at least 600 cals a day).
I can't talk about my relationship break up with relatives because "You knew he'd do this", which I definitely did not know. I am fed up. I'm at the doctors in 2 Week to see if I can get referred for a psychiatric assessment. I just feel really stuck with my house. I'm really scared of spiders just seeing one, dead or alive, ruins my whole day, I won't open windows or anything because of my phobia. I check my clothes to make sure none are in and check my bed each night.
To finish my moan off ill add that I keep waking up through the night desparate for the toilet and once in awake I'm awake for hours. It's really annoying the crap out of me, I normally have my last drink around 6/7 o clock
KeeKee Ahh yes Ok Sort of back to square one in a way. Lets try and make some sense of it all. Well could you really rely on your ex to help you in the first place?? And as for your daughter well I don't really know what her problem is. Does she love you? Lets skip forward a bit. I have hoarding problem too and still fighting the various hurdles like funding and wrong post code area(s) I may be getting help with this via CBT Therapy and home visits for moral support :) I will post a link from the Mind website on hoarding and what might be available in your area. I would also speak to your dr as it is now classed as a OCD Condition and should be taken seriously I too have been in this for over 10 years now and need my life back someone has to listen to me :) Have you been back to your Dr and got a firm diagnosis on BDD? This has been talked about quite a lot on here. so you need to get this ticked off your list :) Right going back to your Ex ultimatum
time am I afraid give him 4 weeks form now to get his stuff out and I think that is perfectly reasonable too he doesn't care about you so enough is enough on this other wise 12 months down the line you will be still moaning about the same ole stuff.
As for your daughter she is going to have to make changes, tell her nicely mum isn't well and really needs her help :) At changes where I go to we 'have' to set goal(s) each week we must do to show things are happening for the better so try and get your daughter to set goals it's as simple as that :) Come on KeeKee don't want to hear if's and but's
And only you can now make changes that will benefit you in the long term :) Cheers
My face is a greasy mess, I've had a break out even though I'm using a topical retinoid
Have you used a topical retinoid successfully before?
My ex partner is letting me down all the time with things such as helping me to tidy up the house.
Well I don't think you can rely on him to help. I don't think he has any inclination to help either.
My daughter is still not tidying her room
Some other punishment needs putting in place. I've not had to deal with this before so I don't really know what to suggest.
I just want to bin everything. Nothing wrong with having a declutter. If you've not used it or thought about using it in the last 6 months...get rid. If you've thought about using it, but haven't; hold onto it for another 6 months and then if you've not used it, get rid.
annoyed because I've started eating healthier than ever before and haven't lost any weight
Keep it up and things will start to change eventually. Also check the things you are eaten for hidden sugar content as that can cause havok with trying to lose weight. A lot of non-fat foods actually have a load of sugar chucked in to make up for the flavour lost by removing the fat. Guess what? Your Liver doesn't know what to do with it all and changes it into fat!
Thank you very much for replying as usual bigboy.
Yes my daughter does love me, I don't want to make it sound like she's this really naughty, defiant child because she isn't. She just doesn't care about mess (like her Dad) and will simply not tidy. She goes up to tidy, but then she has just pushed it under her bed. I do set goals for her, I tell her she can have treats if she does it etc but treats don't appeal to her. There is no way I'm giving her money for doing her own room, so I've never offered that. I also take things off her if she doesn't do as I ask such as no dvd that weekend or no sweets.
I've even mentioned it to my GP but she's too old for health visitor etc to come. It's not like she has behavioural issues she's just really lazy when it comes to tidying. I'm sick of it though, it makes me feel like she has no respect.
I definitely don't hoard, my house is just a mess. My room is clogged with toys my daughter has outgrown (still boxed so I'll be selling them), and my exes multi gym and wardrobe (which my daughter will be getting once he helps me move the multigym as it's in the corner behind that). If it wasn't for those my room would be OK, once my room is clear I can then take my clothes Upstairs (currently every item of clothing I own is in kitchen), then my kitchen will be tidy. My living room is fine and then that would only leave my daughters room. It's her birthday shortly and she wants her room decorating and I've even said well tidy your room and we'll decorate it for your birthday but it's too much hard work for her. My ex and I have tidied it many times only for her to mess it up again and I'm not doing it anymore. Shes already been told if I have to tidy it it will be going in the bin. Which I am very close to doing just worried as it will be Christmas gifts that other people have bought.
My GP gave me a number to ring in regards to BDD but they told me they can't help me so I have to go back to my GP and ask to be referred for a full psychiatric assessment which I'll be doing in 2 weeks when I get my next fit note.
---------- Post added at 17:36 ---------- Previous post was at 17:16 ----------
Hi Kuatir. Thanks for replying. I've been using this topical retinoid for 18 months now. This is only my second breakout so I know I should be grateful, but that paired with my greasy skin is making me literally feel gross.
In regards to him helping me, I'm actually quite shocked he hasn't bothered as he has never let me down in this way. He used to attend all of my dental appointments etc, he always picked our daughter up from school as it fills me with dread, he'd help me with shopping, get the cat food for me etc, but these last few months he's done less and less and then last week just didn't turn up at all, twice. Our daughter went on a school trip and he was even late to see her off, it's just not the person I knew for 11 years. I'm completely gobsmacked at his behaviour lately. Whenever I mention him getting his things he gets really snappy.
I really don't know what other punishment to use for my daughter. I don't even know who to turn to for advice. She's good as gold at school and with relatives so nobody believes us when we say or they'll just laugh and say "That's what kids do", which isn't helpful.
I personally have nothing to declutter, I own few clothes due to recent finances, I have a 3ds and e reader. That's about all I own and they're all away as I seldom use them. My daughter does have well over 100 DVD's and she watches the same ones time and time again so there'll definitely be some there that she can get rid of, but when I made her rake some out she had 5 to go and one was mine ha! Would it be so wrong if I just chose for her?
I'll definitely stick with the healthier eating. I still eat a lot (I'm sticking to 2000 cals a day) I just don't understand how I have always ate 2600-2800 and my weight is always the same, yet now I'm eating less and way more veg I'm not losing it. I've read that even small changes like taking the stairs instead of the lift can help with weight loss yet I took up walking back in November (only for 2 months) and never lost so much as an ounce. The first week alone I walked 29 miles. I'll definitely stick with it though because regardless of my weight (I'm a stone from being overweight anyway) I'll still be healthier. Which I guess it worth it in itself. I used to eat a lot of sweets. I have since I started senior school and got dinner money. I'm saying "used to" as though I've been eating healthier for years, but I truly do what it to last long term.
---------- Post added at 17:37 ---------- Previous post was at 17:36 ----------
I'm not sure why I've wrote dental appointments as I meant doctors appointments.
Thank you very much for replying as usual bigboy.
Yes my daughter does love me, I don't want to make it sound like she's this really naughty, defiant child because she isn't. She just doesn't care about mess (like her Dad) and will simply not tidy. She goes up to tidy, but then she has just pushed it under her bed. I do set goals for her, I tell her she can have treats if she does it etc but treats don't appeal to her. There is no way I'm giving her money for doing her own room, so I've never offered that. I also take things off her if she doesn't do as I ask such as no dvd that weekend or no sweets.
I've even mentioned it to my GP but she's too old for health visitor etc to come. It's not like she has behavioural issues she's just really lazy when it comes to tidying. I'm sick of it though, it makes me feel like she has no respect.
I definitely don't hoard, my house is just a mess. My room is clogged with toys my daughter has outgrown (still boxed so I'll be selling them), and my exes multi gym and wardrobe (which my daughter will be getting once he helps me move the multigym as it's in the corner behind that). If it wasn't for those my room would be OK, once my room is clear I can then take my clothes Upstairs (currently every item of clothing I own is in kitchen), then my kitchen will be tidy. My living room is fine and then that would only leave my daughters room. It's her birthday shortly and she wants her room decorating and I've even said well tidy your room and we'll decorate it for your birthday but it's too much hard work for her. My ex and I have tidied it many times only for her to mess it up again and I'm not doing it anymore. Shes already been told if I have to tidy it it will be going in the bin. Which I am very close to doing just worried as it will be Christmas gifts that other people have bought.
My GP gave me a number to ring in regards to BDD but they told me they can't help me so I have to go back to my GP and ask to be referred for a full psychiatric assessment which I'll be doing in 2 weeks when I get my next fit note.Well to be frank it's not your daughters house it's yours :) You need to be clear on this as you have said you could get evicted. You also need to find out what your daughter really likes and stop her from that thing she really likes not easy I know, but drastic measures are need NOW!if it means chucking it out or it goes to a chaity shop then that's what you will have to do. You say you aren't a hoarder, sorry I think you are in some respects even if a lot of the stuff is saleable so if you need help see your dr about it.As for hanging on to the stuff you may use I would say no if you have used it by now it needs to go to wait another 6 months is pointless that's why if I get the moral support I have been seeking for the last 10 years I shall be accepting it with open arms :) Kuatir is right but not all foods (healthy ones don't have a lot of sugar in) I like my chips most nights of the week so I buy low fat chips and all the various things like fat/sat fat/sugars and even salt are all Green so I don't feel bad at having them most nights of the week so check the labels :) Cheers
Hi again. Well one of her favourite things is reading. She reads everyday, so I guess I could take her kindle from her. I know it sounds silly I'm just so scared in case people think I'm cruel or its abuse to take things from her. My family already think I'm too strict and 'serious' but it's because I'm sick of it. We once took her TV off her for 3 full weeks and she didn't care. It doesn't help that relatives keep buying stuff for Christmas and birthdays even when I've specifically said not to, which adds to her messiness (as I think I've mentioned before she doesn't really like toys or 'stuff', she's happy reading and doing jigsaws, so the stuff people buy her are just a quick novelty that wear off then get left lying).
I truly don't believe I'm a hoarder. I don't even own enough things to say I hoard, if I threw my own things away I'd have nothing left. I have very few possessions (excluding electrics of course) and nearly all of the mess is caused due to my exes things being in the way. I did Google signs of a hoarder though and one was something around the lines of 'likes to keep things to fix them', that is my ex! He always buys things such as games consoles broken with the hopes he'll be able to fix them. I also have a relative who we believe is a hoarder and they always talk about when they were young (circa ww2) they never had anything so they hold onto everything they've got. They've got unused clothes and everything. My ex still has clothes from before I even knew him!
My diet is loosely following Slimming World. However I'm still drinking sugary drinks (coffee) so that could be the problem. I just don't get how I can eat loads and not gain, when that loads included pizza, sweets, crisps and cakes etc, yet now I've dropped at least 500 cals a day, am eating much less sugar, more veg and more fibre and still haven't lost (I do think I've lost 1lb but that could just be a fluctuation). I'm going to stick it out another fortnight then if I still don't lose, cut out most of my coffees then see what happens. My coffees are 600 of the 2000 cals a day, so quite bad.
Carrie8484
15-03-17, 21:31
Keekee
I don't want to sound mean, but I probably will. But I really do hope things get better for you. But I will say this.
I think you need to take some responsibility here. You blame your partner and your daughter for everything. I am not saying much of what they are doing isn't wrong to some extent, but you need to realise your impact in this whole situation too. The good thing, is that as soon as you can see that, you can start making baby steps towards change yourself.
i might be completely wrong, but have you ever thought that your daughter might be the way she is due to the fact that her mum and dad have had a strained relationship for a sustained period, and now her father has moved out, her mum is battling her MH issues, and she has school and other things going in her life? it isn't all her fault, other factors will come in to play too here.
Yes she is messy, but you admit your house isn't very tidy.
The moto 'watch what they do, not what they say' springs to mind here regarding your daughter's reaction to your pleads to her to tidy her room.
You need to lead by example, keekee. Get a cheapo hoover from tesco. Tidy your clothes out of the kitchen. etc
Your partner losing interest in your daughter's activities and not helping around the house - what's going on in his life at the moment, is he depressed? Why are you asking him to come and clean the house anyway, if he doesnt live there anymore? I understand he needs to move his possessions. Give him a deadline or move everything out onto your driveway on the deadline you give him.
He isn't acting like a doting dad at present, and that is disappointing, but this is where you need to step up to the plate. Show that you can cope without him. You can, because you have to.
Is there any way you could work part time, or is that out of the question? I just wonder if a few hours out of the house to stop you focusing so much on yourself, might do you the world of good, and earn a bit of cash too.
Again, apologies if I am sounding harsh, but you do need a kick up the bottom I feel... good luck
Hi again. Well one of her favourite things is reading. She reads everyday, so I guess I could take her kindle from her. I know it sounds silly I'm just so scared in case people think I'm cruel or its abuse to take things from her. My family already think I'm too strict and 'serious' but it's because I'm sick of it. We once took her TV off her for 3 full weeks and she didn't care. It doesn't help that relatives keep buying stuff for Christmas and birthdays even when I've specifically said not to, which adds to her messiness (as I think I've mentioned before she doesn't really like toys or 'stuff', she's happy reading and doing jigsaws, so the stuff people buy her are just a quick novelty that wear off then get left lying).
I truly don't believe I'm a hoarder. I don't even own enough things to say I hoard, if I threw my own things away I'd have nothing left. I have very few possessions (excluding electrics of course) and nearly all of the mess is caused due to my exes things being in the way. I did Google signs of a hoarder though and one was something around the lines of 'likes to keep things to fix them', that is my ex! He always buys things such as games consoles broken with the hopes he'll be able to fix them. I also have a relative who we believe is a hoarder and they always talk about when they were young (circa ww2) they never had anything so they hold onto everything they've got. They've got unused clothes and everything. My ex still has clothes from before I even knew him!
My diet is loosely following Slimming World. However I'm still drinking sugary drinks (coffee) so that could be the problem. I just don't get how I can eat loads and not gain, when that loads included pizza, sweets, crisps and cakes etc, yet now I've dropped at least 500 cals a day, am eating much less sugar, more veg and more fibre and still haven't lost (I do think I've lost 1lb but that could just be a fluctuation). I'm going to stick it out another fortnight then if I still don't lose, cut out most of my coffees then see what happens. My coffees are 600 of the 2000 cals a day, so quite bad. KeeKee hun you are going to have to stop thinking what your relatives think you aren't mean you just simply had enough!!! Regarding any new toys I know you have told everyone no more and they don't listen to you ( I take it they bring them round to you every year) Just refuse them next time its not your money and it's there problem :yesyes: Why not suggest money for your daughter, then keep hold of her money till she keeps her side of the bargain? :) Re sugar ( have cut that out of my tea and coffee and use that granulated sweetner form Aldi it's really sweet and only has 5grms of sugar per 100grms of product!! As for your diagnosis in 2 weeks time this is good then perhaps you can start the road to recovery :) Best of luck KeeKee:hugs: Cheers
Keekee
I don't want to sound mean, but I probably will. But I really do hope things get better for you. But I will say this.
I think you need to take some responsibility here. You blame your partner and your daughter for everything. I am not saying much of what they are doing isn't wrong to some extent, but you need to realise your impact in this whole situation too. The good thing, is that as soon as you can see that, you can start making baby steps towards change yourself.
i might be completely wrong, but have you ever thought that your daughter might be the way she is due to the fact that her mum and dad have had a strained relationship for a sustained period, and now her father has moved out, her mum is battling her MH issues, and she has school and other things going in her life? it isn't all her fault, other factors will come in to play too here.
Yes she is messy, but you admit your house isn't very tidy.
The moto 'watch what they do, not what they say' springs to mind here regarding your daughter's reaction to your pleads to her to tidy her room.
You need to lead by example, keekee. Get a cheapo hoover from tesco. Tidy your clothes out of the kitchen. etc
Your partner losing interest in your daughter's activities and not helping around the house - what's going on in his life at the moment, is he depressed? Why are you asking him to come and clean the house anyway, if he doesnt live there anymore? I understand he needs to move his possessions. Give him a deadline or move everything out onto your driveway on the deadline you give him.
He isn't acting like a doting dad at present, and that is disappointing, but this is where you need to step up to the plate. Show that you can cope without him. You can, because you have to.
Is there any way you could work part time, or is that out of the question? I just wonder if a few hours out of the house to stop you focusing so much on yourself, might do you the world of good, and earn a bit of cash too.
Again, apologies if I am sounding harsh, but you do need a kick up the bottom I feel... good luck
Thanks for your detailed reply Carrie. However the only thing I'm blaming my ex for, is having his crap in my house, my house is a mess because of him refusing to take his things. I can't even get into my wardrobe due to the way my room is laid out. The only way would be for my exes multi gym to be moved which I've tried and can't even shift it an inch. He's very stubborn and has already told me the more I ask the less he's likely to do something.
He has told me he would help with the area of the room where his belongings are. That is 2 wardrobes and a multigym which are blocking said wardrobes. Once those are sorted (my daughter needs wardrobe) I'll be able to move (his) scooters and the chest of drawers from in front of my wardrobe and get my clothes Upstairs. As of yet the only way I could do that would be to move everything into another room. People are saying I should take responsibility etc, and if he doesn't get his things to arrange for some way to get them over myself, I wonder if they are under estimating how big a multigym actually is and how heavy. I have no spare money to pay for delivery drivers, I've asked relatives but they won't take it as it's too much hassle. He has no relatives with a car and he won't pay for delivery driver himself. There is nothing at all I can do about it. Nothing. If I get upset with him he just stops speaking to me. I'm also looking after fish which I do not want to because he won't pay somebody to transport his tank.
As for working, I can't even attend parents evening at my daughters school alone or speak to cousins, aunties etc. Walking past people in my street makes me very nervous etc. I haven't been able to work for 4 years and this past 18 months I don't even want to leave the house anymore. Possibly exasperated by an unhappy relationship as I feel less stressed since my partner moved out. I won't even answer the door unless I'm expecting somebody.
I've already spoken to a work advisor straight after CBT to see how I could get back into work and they told me I need my 'issues' sorting out first and discharged me.
I do feel like it's possible she doesn't tidy up due to our unstable relationship, but regardless of the cause she doesn't do anything I ask. Even pick up an empty bottle she 'forgets', she 'forgets' to clean her teeth etc. I'm no expert but I strongly believe it's due to lack of discipline. (I never ever told her off prior to her starting school). I believe a child should do as they are told, she tidies up at relatives and school, she watches me do the dishes, clothes washing, cleaning the cat litter etc, I just don't understand why it's only really her room. For example she'd never leave stuff all over my living room floor, it's only her bedroom. I just feel like taking things off kids or bribing them with sweets won't work for all kids, especially the type like my daughter who can happily sit in silence doing nothing.
I feel like I've tried everything (in regards to daughters room) and my options are just get on with it, or throw her things out. I get what you mean by 'lead by example' as my exes parents house is also a cluttered mess, but why does she have to take after him, why does she not copy me when I tidy up etc. She doesn't even speak like me, I just don't get it. She's even seen me tidy her room up for her etc, fold clothes and the likes. I'm sure people may not believe me, but all of my possessions are neat and tidy. My living room is tidy, my clothes are folded and in a neat pile (albeit in the kitchen), my dishes are all clean etc. Yes my house is cluttered but the only mess my daughter sees is her room and my clothes in the kitchen. She never comes in my room as I'm always up before her and bed after her.
I know it sounds silly, but I wish there was some law or something where you weren't legally allowed to leave junk in other people's houses without their permission. There really is nothing I can do until that damn multigym gets out of my site.
I'm going to get a used hoover as soon as a decent one becomes available. I've a budget of about £20, not sure if I'd get a new one for that price.
Apologies for another lengthy reply I just feel like people think I just lie here hoping my house will magically become tidy but that's not the case at all. My daughter is certainly capable of tidying her room herself and I think it's high time she started doing things. We have tidied her room so many times from the whole floor being covered to being spick and span, then she'll mess it all up again and I am done with it now. She does change her own bedding, so there's one thing. But I'm fed up of having to tell her 3 or 4 times to do anything. She has no respect for me at all, she will roll her eyes at me over silly things and I hate it. I just don't know how to implement respect or effective discipline. My parents would have smacked my behind if I'd have acted this way but that's not the way I want to be.
I just wish he would get every single one of his items out of my house then I can move on. He won't even give me my spare key back until he gets all his things out yet he is the one prolonging it.
---------- Post added at 22:39 ---------- Previous post was at 22:32 ----------
Hi again Bigboy. I'm slowly getting to the 'i don't care what other people say' stage but I'm still a little worried to voice my opinions. My family are nice but argumentative. We were smacked when we were young, we were screamed at (one of my siblings truly was a terror though), we were told to shut up if we were speaking while they were watching something (I don't think there's anything wrong with that as they barely watched TV) but if I do it to my daughter they'll say things such as "she's only asking a question".
It's just a referral I'm getting in a fortnight but anything is better than nothing. I don't think I'll get an official diagnosis until I get an actual psychiatric assessment but I know I have it. I know without a doubt I do, unless I truly am as hideous as I feel but every one tells me I'm not so I mustn't be.
I do use sweetener but the coffee I drink is the ones that come in sachets and they already have around 12g sugar in each one! I know that's naughty still.
She does get a massive amount of money, but then they'll buy 'stocking fillers', she also gets about a decades supply of sweets too which I hate as she is only allowed sweets at weekends.
KeeKee You are trapped, well it seems that way . Your relatives are so damn annoying feel like swearing but I wont GRRRR how dare they say its too much hassle to help a family member out. As for hiring a van out with driver I paid £20 yes that's it to move a sofa 3 seater and arm chair from a house to my house and to take my old settee and arm chair to the tip that is so cheap found the number in my local newspaper so there is another thing you can do a dead line has to be fixed your Ex isn't interested one bit in getting his stuff and using your house as storage Nah you need to be firm with him now other wise it wlll go on and on and on to infinity :eek: You have to do something soon Edit: KeeKee I used to be the same now I speak my mind once you have done it once it will become easier honest :) you need to toughen up some what tell you relatives to butt out and speak out !! As for the coffee sachets that's a lot of sugar that is doing you no good I get my coffee from Aldi too Cheers
Catherine S
15-03-17, 23:04
When you post Keekee, is it just to vent rather than asking for advice? Because you get the same replies over and over on every thread you post. ..mainly because you post about the same stuff. And people reply in this way because they think you are asking for solutions. So if it's that you're not asking for solutions and just want to have a rant about how fed up you are, that's cool, but possibly just say that at the start of your thread. That way you'll just get people replying who sympathise with you, rather than people constantly offering advice on how to change things.
Take care
ISB ☺ X
To be honest Bigboy I wish I just had the guts to sell his things. Why should I be out of pocket because he is stubborn and lazy. He works full time and does overtime so is much more well off than me, I don't see why he can't just pay somebody. A friend, a stranger, anybody. My relatives will take me places etc but things like this no. They'd probably take clothes but his clothes don't really bother me, nor do the scooters as they could go in the corner the multigym blocks, but that gym drives me absolutely insane. I hate it. I hated it even when he lived here. Our house is small even without it. It's so ugly and bulky.
---------- Post added at 23:08 ---------- Previous post was at 23:05 ----------
When you post Keekee, is it just to vent rather than asking for advice? Because you get the same replies over and over on every thread you post. ..mainly because you post about the same stuff. And people reply in this way because they think you are asking for solutions. So if it's that you're not asking for solutions and just want to have a rant about how fed up you are, that's cool, but possibly just say that at the start of your thread. That way you'll just get people who sympathise with you replying, rather than people constantly offering advice on how to change things.
Take care
ISB ☺ X
Hi, I posted to vent as I believe I wrote in my first post. I always vent on here when I feel extremely agitated as I was advised to write it down but wouldn't dare write it on paper at home and have 'evidence' in case anybody found it. I don't even like having therapy letters etc if they have personally info on in my home. Probably sounds strange but I'd die if anybody who knew me personally seen anything I wrote on here or spoke about in therapy.
To be honest Bigboy I wish I just had the guts to sell his things. Why should I be out of pocket because he is stubborn and lazy. He works full time and does overtime so is much more well off than me, I don't see why he can't just pay somebody. A friend, a stranger, anybody. My relatives will take me places etc but things like this no. They'd probably take clothes but his clothes don't really bother me, nor do the scooters as they could go in the corner the multigym blocks, but that gym drives me absolutely insane. I hate it. I hated it even when he lived here. Our house is small even without it. It's so ugly and bulky.
---------- Post added at 23:08 ---------- Previous post was at 23:05 ----------
Hi, I posted to vent as I believe I wrote in my first post. I always vent on here when I feel extremely agitated as I was advised to write it down but wouldn't dare write it on paper at home and have 'evidence' in case anybody found it. I don't even like having therapy letters etc if they have personally info on in my home. Probably sounds strange but I'd die if anybody who knew me personally seen anything I wrote on here or spoke about in therapy.
Well that's fair enough, but I believe you 'want' to move on and change :) Right text him and say his stuff is being sold on ebay Hun you cant continue like this something will snap in your head one day you going to have to be firm as you say he must have work mates etc but feel you wont do anything because you are worried about any repercussions am I right? Sorry but to do nothing will only cause you more stress Cheers
Catherine S
15-03-17, 23:17
Sorry Keekee, your reply didn't make much sense there lol!
What I meant was, perhaps in future threads, make it really clear that you're only having a rant and you really do not need any further suggestions about how to deal with your ex, your family or your life, because if you don't make it clear, people will just go on telling you what to do and how to do it until the cows come home, and you obviously don't want the advice, you just want to rant :)
ISB x
Sorry Keekee, your reply didn't make much sense there lol!
What I meant was, perhaps in future threads, make it really clear that you're only having a rant and you really do not need any further suggestions about how to deal with your ex, your family or your life, because if you don't make it clear, people will just go on telling you what to do and how to do it until the cows come home, and you obviously don't want the advice, you just want to rant :)
ISB xI actually think KeeKee is trapped and cant find away out of tis horrible mess? I want to help KeeKee not offer tea and sympathy if you follow :)
Sorry my post didn't make sense to you ISB, I've read it back again and I can't see where it doesn't make sense? I welcome and appreciate any advice people give.
---------- Post added at 23:25 ---------- Previous post was at 23:22 ----------
Yes I'm worried about what he'd say if I sold his things. Whilst I'd never leave my things at another's house, I'd go ballistic if anybody sold any item of mine. I sometimes wonder if he's doing this on purpose to have some kind of reason to keep my key. Probably not but I just don't understand.
Catherine S
15-03-17, 23:28
Nothing said was aimed at you personally dave, sorry if it looks that way lol! There are others on the thread who have offered advice not just yourself. But Keekee posts about the same things on all of her threads and gets lots of the same replies telling her what she should do.
She may well be trapped, and maybe it's not possible for her to act upon suggestions given to her for her own personal reasons. So I was just trying to find out if she'd prefer us not to keep telling her what to do, and just allow her to have a rant for ranting sake. If you follow.
Cath ☺
I nearly always post to rant or moan. I used to moan to my partner for issues outside of our relationship (BDD mainly) but now I can't. My mood today was mainly caused by feeling ugly on the school run which sets me off with everything else. Then I feel the need to rant. My body image I believe is the root of everything. I think it always has been I just didn't really realise it.
Replies aren't necessarily but they certainly aren't unwanted.
I definitely do feel 'stuck', £20 removal van might not sound like a lot of money to some but it is a lot for me.
Catherine S
15-03-17, 23:44
It's also not your responsibility to pay to get his stuff removed. Can you not call the housing association and ask for their help with this? They'll sent him a letter demanding he removes his things if he is no longer living in your house, or did they not know he was there and you need to keep that quiet? He can ignore you, but he couldn't ignore them telling him to move it surely.
ISB x
Nothing said was aimed at you personally dave, sorry if it looks that way lol! There are others on the thread who have offered advice not just yourself. But Keekee posts about the same things on all of her threads and gets lots of the same replies telling her what she should do.
She may well be trapped, and maybe it's not possible for her to act upon suggestions given to her for her own personal reasons. So I was just trying to find out if she'd prefer us not to keep telling her what to do, and just allow her to have a rant for ranting sake. If you follow.
Cath ☺ Cath absolutely no problem didn't think that in the first place :) yes so true and yes I do follow :) Cheers
Catherine S
16-03-17, 00:05
Also, if the housing association is a no-no, if I had a choice between paying £20 for a van to move his stuff and buying a second hand vacuum cleaner, i'd pay for the van. It sounds like it's more important to get his stuff out of your way. You can worry about a vacuum cleaner later.
ISB x
I nearly always post to rant or moan. I used to moan to my partner for issues outside of our relationship (BDD mainly) but now I can't. My mood today was mainly caused by feeling ugly on the school run which sets me off with everything else. Then I feel the need to rant. My body image I believe is the root of everything. I think it always has been I just didn't really realise it.
Replies aren't necessarily but they certainly aren't unwanted.
I definitely do feel 'stuck', £20 removal van might not sound like a lot of money to some but it is a lot for me.KeeKee I can sense you are stuck!! And I know you really want things to change :) When I mentioned about his things going on ebay I should have added and he gets the money at least ask him oh he probably will say no and will say he wants his stuff so simply say ok you want it, you come and pick it up you have to speak up for your self he cant do much when he is on the phone, I am just wondering if your daughter can talk to him do she still see him? Like Cath said it's got to be affecting her in some way(s) And Cath does make a very good suggestion about his stuff so perhaps follow that up :) Cheers
---------- Post added at 00:11 ---------- Previous post was at 00:08 ----------
Also, if the housing association is a no-no, if I had a choice between paying £20 for a van to move his stuff and buying a second hand vacuum cleaner, i'd pay for the van. It sounds like it's more important to get his stuff out of your way. You can worry about a vacuum cleaner later.
ISB x Yes excellent idea Cath and perhaps one of KeeKee's family could lend a hoover or would that be too much hassle for them too:huh: Cheers
Thank you both for replying.
ISB my ex probably wouldn't be bothered he doesn't care about anything. He ignored a tax return for years and incurred ridiculous charges. He's the kind of person who, if asked to do something that he was already going to do, would then probably not do it as he's been told what to do. If that makes sense. He was the same here when I would ask if he'd wash up or things.
I will email a few people and see how much it'll cost. It won't hurt to ask, yes the multigym is probably a priority over anything due to where it is. It's probably a sad thing to say but I've always wanted my bedroom to be cosy and pretty so I could go there when I need a few minutes alone. If the multigym is gone then I could move other things around and then my room would be just fine.
Bigboy my last hoover was off a relative and if anybody had a spare they would give me it, one relative is meant to be checking if their old one works but it's been weeks and I haven't hoovered and feel minging. Sweeping isn't the same. I think my family won't help with his things as they don't believe I've even asked him. When I mention his things being here they keep telling me to 'make' him take them as though I can force him ha. It's very frustrating having people not believe what you are saying. They don't believe me when I mention having little money too.
Asking my daughter to talk to him wouldn't work and would probably make him more angry. I think she's too young to involve, even in small things like that. She has done better than expected going from seeing her Dad each day to sometimes only twice a week. She doesn't seem bothered about us separating at all. My parents separated when I was 21 and had left home and I found it very hard. I think she's very strong minded, very little phases her. No idea how as I'm mentally weak.
Thanks again for the responses.
MyNameIsTerry
16-03-17, 08:03
Disassemble the multi gym. If it's the type that has weight plates, the rest will be quite light. The weight plates can be removed from bar down the centre and lifted individually.
All you need is a couple of spanners. Most of not all of it can be done by one person. If the nuts are too tight, a strap wrench can sometimes help.
I know because I stripped down my old multi gym years ago because it had developed a fault. I put all the frame outside for the rag & bone man. I kept the weight plates to use in other ways but they take up very little room.
I would be very careful selling someone else's stuff, you are straying into legal territory here. It would be best to get legal advice off the CAB on this because there will be a minimum number of actions to take before having no choice.
It's Judge Rinder territory, so be careful.
The same with paying too deliver it. A heavy & bulky multi gym might be costly. Toy shouldn't pay it anyway, he won't refund it as he's obviously not arsed about doing the right thing in anything.
If there is a legal definition of what is reasonable until you can throw it all out, that would be the basis for my ultimatum. Or a basis to sell it that covers you in the law.
As far as your daughter's attitude goes, I've always viewed that as her father's impact on her. He has consistently shown his poor attitude in front of her in not clearing up when he lived there. He allowed her to be disrespectful or didn't back you up. He created this situation by being a bad role model.
Thanks for the reply Terry. I'll have a look at it, it does have the weight things on.
I doubt I'd ever have the guts to sell his things anyway.
I'm also thinking it will cost extra with the fish tank given that it contains living fish. We have tried selling the fish in the past as we have at least 50 but nobody seemed to want them. They are guppies too which breed like there is no tomorrow. I wonder if a pet shop would take them....
I do feel it's possibly as he will just sit there when she back chats me it happened yesterday. If I tell her off in front of relatives they'll normally butt in and defend her too which doesn't help. When growing up we wouldn't have dared back chat our Mam in front of my Dad and my friends other half is also the same. My ex partner doesn't condone the behaviour but I usually have to say right in front if her 'will you tell her to pick it up' or something.
He's never going to change in regards to her. I'll just have to get on with it. It's just very hard to be a lone parent and I never thought I'd see the day to be honest.
Thank you both for replying.
ISB my ex probably wouldn't be bothered he doesn't care about anything. He ignored a tax return for years and incurred ridiculous charges. He's the kind of person who, if asked to do something that he was already going to do, would then probably not do it as he's been told what to do. If that makes sense. He was the same here when I would ask if he'd wash up or things.
I will email a few people and see how much it'll cost. It won't hurt to ask, yes the multigym is probably a priority over anything due to where it is. It's probably a sad thing to say but I've always wanted my bedroom to be cosy and pretty so I could go there when I need a few minutes alone. If the multigym is gone then I could move other things around and then my room would be just fine.
Bigboy my last hoover was off a relative and if anybody had a spare they would give me it, one relative is meant to be checking if their old one works but it's been weeks and I haven't hoovered and feel minging. Sweeping isn't the same. I think my family won't help with his things as they don't believe I've even asked him. When I mention his things being here they keep telling me to 'make' him take them as though I can force him ha. It's very frustrating having people not believe what you are saying. They don't believe me when I mention having little money too.
Asking my daughter to talk to him wouldn't work and would probably make him more angry. I think she's too young to involve, even in small things like that. She has done better than expected going from seeing her Dad each day to sometimes only twice a week. She doesn't seem bothered about us separating at all. My parents separated when I was 21 and had left home and I found it very hard. I think she's very strong minded, very little phases her. No idea how as I'm mentally weak.
Thanks again for the responses. KeeKee Sorry but he seems very irresponsible/immature in some ways. KeeKee you must stop all this stupid talk when you are wanting a better life in your post you say it's probably a sad thing to say cause you want your bed room to be cosy and pretty what's wrong with that? Nothing atall :yesyes: Seems as though you have got it in your mind that you don't deserve a better life,home, youWell you do KeeKee so start believing this :) It's a shame your relatives don't believe you what you say about your Ex any reason why not, have they met him etc?
When I had some stuff moved out of my house it didn't go on the weight as such the van was £20 and I could have put 5 items in and it still would have been only £20 :) Do you have a local news paper as you often get good deals from there! Terry is on about Judge Rinder terrority But feel you have reached the level where you have asked and asked and asked him to do something about his stuff, You may have to write to him too, so check with your local CAB office also check the Housing Association re any letters they may have sent out to him! Also your daughter may be hurting about all this, you may think that she isn't bothered, as she isn't showing it, but she could well be sadly. Right ok get a few phone calls made (baby steps etc) and get on that road to recovery :) XX Cheers
---------- Post added at 09:37 ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 ----------
Thanks for the reply Terry. I'll have a look at it, it does have the weight things on.
I doubt I'd ever have the guts to sell his things anyway.
I'm also thinking it will cost extra with the fish tank given that it contains living fish. We have tried selling the fish in the past as we have at least 50 but nobody seemed to want them. They are guppies too which breed like there is no tomorrow. I wonder if a pet shop would take them....
I do feel it's possibly as he will just sit there when she back chats me it happened yesterday. If I tell her off in front of relatives they'll normally butt in and defend her too which doesn't help. When growing up we wouldn't have dared back chat our Mam in front of my Dad and my friends other half is also the same. My ex partner doesn't condone the behaviour but I usually have to say right in front if her 'will you tell her to pick it up' or something.
He's never going to change in regards to her. I'll just have to get on with it. It's just very hard to be a lone parent and I never thought I'd see the day to be honest.KeeKee ok hand on heart do you want your life to be happier? Sell/chuck his things it all amounts to the same thing a beginning of a new life :) You find out legally where you stand on this and if you have to do anything else before you take action. I used to have no guts and it's even worse for a Guy :eek: but now I will stand my corner! KeeKee I want you to be happy :) Just one piece of good news by the end of today would be brilliant and it's possible!!! So make a few phone calls and see what's what :) Cheers
I've mentioned this in another post, but your Ex still has some elements of control in your life that he shouldn't have. You don't have the guts to sell his stuff? Is that because of the way he will react if you do? He is your ex. The only element of your life you I think you should be sharing is your daughter because it is important for her to have both of her parents.
Hi KeeKee, Just read through posts. Be careful when selling other peoples stuff without their permission as Terry has said.
I would just put them in a place out of your way, until they decide to get them.
I am sure you are in communication with the owner.
I don't know how old your daughter is.
I have a 8 year old g/daughter. She has £1 per week for empting the bins in the house and keeping her bedroom tidy. There are no clothes under the bed.
I hope you can get something sorted KeeKee, this problem has gone on far to long
I hope you will let us know when you have sorted things out.
In the meantime I am sending you:hugs::hugs::hugs:x
Hi all, thanks again for replying. I've emailed a few people for quotes today. Just waiting for a response. I've mentioned it to my ex who seemed ok with it and if it's affordable he will pay. Don't know why this couldn't have been done earlier though if that's the case.
Magic I could try the money thing. When I was younger I'd make my parents a cuppa for 50p haha. I'm hoping her upcoming birthday will encourage her as she wants it decorating a specific way and I've told her if she sorts her room out this week that's what we'll do for her birthday. She doesn't even have to tidy it, just let me get rid of it. She has a guitar that I think she's played with about 7 times in a year. I've told her we could try to sell it and she can have the money. It's virtually brand new.
Kuatir he wouldn't do a thing if I did sell them. He can be lazy, stubborn and selfish but I know for a fact he would never go to police or anything like that, he would never get me in trouble. He's even suggested selling them himself as opposed to the hassle of transporting them, but the gym he wants so it would be better for him to pay a removal van.
Hopefully I'll get a decent quote.
On a slight plus, this morning I weighed myself and looks like I've lost a total of 2lbs. Not much of course but on a 2000 calorie a day 'diet', I can't really complain. All I wanted to lose is 10lb so if I could lose 1/2lb a week or something I'll be absolutely over the moon as thats just another 16 weeks. I'd like to be a size 10 for the summer.
[QUOTE=KeeKee;1659908]Hi all, thanks again for replying. I've emailed a few people for quotes today. Just waiting for a response. I've mentioned it to my ex who seemed ok with it and if it's affordable he will pay. Don't know why this couldn't have been done earlier though if that's the case.
Magic I could try the money thing. When I was younger I'd make my parents a cuppa for 50p haha. I'm hoping her upcoming birthday will encourage her as she wants it decorating a specific way and I've told her if she sorts her room out this week that's what we'll do for her birthday. She doesn't even have to tidy it, just let me get rid of it. She has a guitar that I think she's played with about 7 times in a year. I've told her we could try to sell it and she can have the money. It's virtually brand new.
Kuatir he wouldn't do a thing if I did sell them. He can be lazy, stubborn and selfish but I know for a fact he would never go to police or anything like that, he would never get me in trouble. He's even suggested selling them himself as opposed to the hassle of transporting them, but the gym he wants so it would be better for him to pay a removal van.
Hopefully I'll get a decent quote.
On a slight plus, this morning I weighed myself and looks like I've lost a total KeeKee this is so positive :yesyes: I hope the quotes are reasonable if they aren't then check out some more and even google manandvan+ the area you are from always use the+ between key words seems to bring up better results :) Also think you are being too kind she wants her room decorating then the deal is to tidy it too! Also your daughters toys get her to sort out and agree to you selling them even outside your house (like a house sale) on a decorators table they are cheap to buy it could be great fun and 2lbs is better than nothing again baby steps and you could get to the size you want ready for the summer too :hugs: You take care KeeKee Cheers
Catherine S
16-03-17, 19:27
Well done Keekee, you've started to find your way out of the maze, that's a very positive post. Good for you, and really well done on the weight loss too...slow and steady is the best way :shrug:
ISB x x
MyNameIsTerry
17-03-17, 05:16
With a multi gym it will be suspended on a cable. This all goes through various pulleys with other cables. The only bit that matters though is the cable attached to the weight stack and it will likely be attached to a rod with holes in that passes through the weights. The holes are what the key goes through to lock in the selected weight plates to workout with.
If you remove that cable from that rod, the weights are no longer suspended and just sit on the base it is on. This means you can safely disassemble the whole thing without any risk of cables hitting you as they no longer have any tension in them.
Your daughter has watched a lazy bloke who doesn't do things at home, undermines you or only backs you up in disciplining her when you force him too. Then the relatives play their part to in reinforcing this by not following your lead and undermining you further. You end up becoming less of an authority figure because of it.
In my opinion, and it's limited with obviously not being a parent or clued up on child development, this is the cause.
If he was a Mr Men book he would be Mr Can't Be Arsed. Yet he enjoys his mates time and ignores you all to play online games with them. He acts like a single man in some respects and it's as if you are his mum because you have to force him to clean up.
I hope he gets his act together because with his attitude it's not much of a stretch to imagine his own life taking away from his responsibilities as a dad.
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