Casper777
18-03-17, 16:46
Hello everyone. Right now im struggling with this thing right now, and have been over the last 10 months. I'll try to explain in the best way possible, and hope somebody will help me, cause I really feel like i need some answers.
It all started when i was about to graduate from Highschool. A couple days before i went to one of my last exams, i had this form of panic attack before i went to bed. I kinda forgot about after the exam, and thought it was just nerves and performing-anxiety. It then happened again one day before i graduated, and i didn't really enjoy the days as much as i should've.
But i graduated, and then suddenly it was like my life became uncertain. I didn't knew what i was supposed to do anymore. I was insecure about everything, my life, my future, myself and got in to this like depressing mood. I was having these very big thoughts like "What is my destiny in life?", "What will make me happy in life?", "What if i'll never be happy, and succeed in life", "What if i'll never get the answers that i seek" and so on. And all these questions really made me feel like ****. I wasn't able to sleep at night due to this panic-anxiety thing that came back, and i was just in a really bad place. And yo, i know this isn't a big thing, and you might be thinking that i should just go get some help. And i did, but it didn't worked out very well for me, and things have changed so much since.
Now i have other thoughts and other things to deal with. And these things are different from some of the things i used to think about. It's like these are obsessive. Less psychical but a whole lot more thinking and obsession. You'll see what i mean once i explain it. It started with me being afraid of that i was phedophile and attracted to other things such as my family. And this is horrible. Every time i saw a child i was like instantly asking myself if i would like to have sex with the child, and focusing on my genitals to see if something went on down there, to check if i was turned on by these thoughts. And this really took over my life, and i was constantly thinking about it. I was so scared of my being a phedophile, and i was to embarrassed to share these thoughts with other people. At that time i was working with children, and i had previously considered to quit my job because of my anxiety, but this form of anxiety made me. In the mean time i was seeing a new psycholigist, and was also scared to death to tell her about these thoughts. Until one day, when i was roaming around the web trying to figure out what was going on inside my head. I and then i fell upon OCD. And i knew about OCD, but didn't think that it had anything to do with my anxiety, and i had actually been anxious about being OCD, just as i had been of being schizophrenic, psychopath and other stuff. So i didn't really thought about it as a big deal, until i read about Sexual OCD. Sexual OCD included some of the things i had experienced, and i was very relieved that i was not alone. So i decided to tell my psycholigist, and we talked a lot about it, and she said that i wasn't the first to be afraid of these things. And after that it kinda slowed down a little bit, not because of my conversations with my psycholigist, but because of some other **** my mind is going over.
So my father recently got a blood clot. And that was in the period with all those sexual thoughts, and my anxiety/OCD went ****ing crazy. I was having thoughts like "Do i wanna have sex with my fathers corpse, if he dies?" and crazy stuff like that. Really not the thoughts you wanna have when your father is at the hospital. And then all the other thoughts came like "What if he dies, and some of the last things i thought about him was that i well have sex with his dead corpse?" and these thoughts were the worst, and they drove me absolutely nuts. But luckily he got through it , and then the thoughts became easier to handle. But then one day before i went to sleep i was thinking, and suddenly this thought struck me "Am i even happy that he survived, or would i prefer him dead?". And at first i didn't took it seriously because it was just to ****ed up. But then it somehow grew even though i knew it was messed up. So i started thinking all these things like "Would we be better of without him?", "Would or family be stronger without him?" and stuff like that. And i was just thinking all these things over and over again, and sometimes were better than others but things didn't really improve.
And then one day he fainted and was brought to the hospital. And this time i knew that my anxiety/OCD would try to screw with me, and i was sure that i would be stronger than last time. But of course i couldn't stop it. And once again it ****ed up my head. But he got home, and is alright now. But my head isn't. It's all over the place right now, and i dont know what to do. I have all these thoughts like "Do i want my father to die", "Do i want to kill my father?", "Do i think its funny that he was close to dying?". And especially the last one bothers me, and every time i think of him i am so focused on if im smiling or laughing, that my jaws get so tense that i sometimes get a headache. This thing is so ****ed up, and i am even afraid that i last night dreamt about having plans to kill him, and i honestly dont know if i dreamt it or not. So now im afraid of having personality disorder, and that some of my personality wants him dead. And all this stuff is absolutely killing me .
So the reason i made this post wasn't just to share my story with you all so you could feel bad for me, but to get some help. So can anyone relate to some of these things, or give me some advice on what i can do and what kind off help i should seek?
Thank you if you made it this far, im sorry that i made this post waaaaay too long, and for my rusty english.
It all started when i was about to graduate from Highschool. A couple days before i went to one of my last exams, i had this form of panic attack before i went to bed. I kinda forgot about after the exam, and thought it was just nerves and performing-anxiety. It then happened again one day before i graduated, and i didn't really enjoy the days as much as i should've.
But i graduated, and then suddenly it was like my life became uncertain. I didn't knew what i was supposed to do anymore. I was insecure about everything, my life, my future, myself and got in to this like depressing mood. I was having these very big thoughts like "What is my destiny in life?", "What will make me happy in life?", "What if i'll never be happy, and succeed in life", "What if i'll never get the answers that i seek" and so on. And all these questions really made me feel like ****. I wasn't able to sleep at night due to this panic-anxiety thing that came back, and i was just in a really bad place. And yo, i know this isn't a big thing, and you might be thinking that i should just go get some help. And i did, but it didn't worked out very well for me, and things have changed so much since.
Now i have other thoughts and other things to deal with. And these things are different from some of the things i used to think about. It's like these are obsessive. Less psychical but a whole lot more thinking and obsession. You'll see what i mean once i explain it. It started with me being afraid of that i was phedophile and attracted to other things such as my family. And this is horrible. Every time i saw a child i was like instantly asking myself if i would like to have sex with the child, and focusing on my genitals to see if something went on down there, to check if i was turned on by these thoughts. And this really took over my life, and i was constantly thinking about it. I was so scared of my being a phedophile, and i was to embarrassed to share these thoughts with other people. At that time i was working with children, and i had previously considered to quit my job because of my anxiety, but this form of anxiety made me. In the mean time i was seeing a new psycholigist, and was also scared to death to tell her about these thoughts. Until one day, when i was roaming around the web trying to figure out what was going on inside my head. I and then i fell upon OCD. And i knew about OCD, but didn't think that it had anything to do with my anxiety, and i had actually been anxious about being OCD, just as i had been of being schizophrenic, psychopath and other stuff. So i didn't really thought about it as a big deal, until i read about Sexual OCD. Sexual OCD included some of the things i had experienced, and i was very relieved that i was not alone. So i decided to tell my psycholigist, and we talked a lot about it, and she said that i wasn't the first to be afraid of these things. And after that it kinda slowed down a little bit, not because of my conversations with my psycholigist, but because of some other **** my mind is going over.
So my father recently got a blood clot. And that was in the period with all those sexual thoughts, and my anxiety/OCD went ****ing crazy. I was having thoughts like "Do i wanna have sex with my fathers corpse, if he dies?" and crazy stuff like that. Really not the thoughts you wanna have when your father is at the hospital. And then all the other thoughts came like "What if he dies, and some of the last things i thought about him was that i well have sex with his dead corpse?" and these thoughts were the worst, and they drove me absolutely nuts. But luckily he got through it , and then the thoughts became easier to handle. But then one day before i went to sleep i was thinking, and suddenly this thought struck me "Am i even happy that he survived, or would i prefer him dead?". And at first i didn't took it seriously because it was just to ****ed up. But then it somehow grew even though i knew it was messed up. So i started thinking all these things like "Would we be better of without him?", "Would or family be stronger without him?" and stuff like that. And i was just thinking all these things over and over again, and sometimes were better than others but things didn't really improve.
And then one day he fainted and was brought to the hospital. And this time i knew that my anxiety/OCD would try to screw with me, and i was sure that i would be stronger than last time. But of course i couldn't stop it. And once again it ****ed up my head. But he got home, and is alright now. But my head isn't. It's all over the place right now, and i dont know what to do. I have all these thoughts like "Do i want my father to die", "Do i want to kill my father?", "Do i think its funny that he was close to dying?". And especially the last one bothers me, and every time i think of him i am so focused on if im smiling or laughing, that my jaws get so tense that i sometimes get a headache. This thing is so ****ed up, and i am even afraid that i last night dreamt about having plans to kill him, and i honestly dont know if i dreamt it or not. So now im afraid of having personality disorder, and that some of my personality wants him dead. And all this stuff is absolutely killing me .
So the reason i made this post wasn't just to share my story with you all so you could feel bad for me, but to get some help. So can anyone relate to some of these things, or give me some advice on what i can do and what kind off help i should seek?
Thank you if you made it this far, im sorry that i made this post waaaaay too long, and for my rusty english.