Bob L
23-03-17, 12:28
Hi everyone, and thanks for having me around. I'm glad to have found this forum as i didn't know is these are still a thing.
I apologize if this is in the wrong section but I'm reluctant to accurately diagnose myself as it would turn out i have 3 types of cancer.
" After this post's initial draft, i had 1156 words so i had to make it short"
I'm 22, living in London, England, originally from Romania, and I've been working as a cleaner on the London underground for the past 3 years. Typing what i feel now would be too much so I'll just type out my schedule and i hope empathy on your end will do the trick in figuring out why I'm so @#$&ed up.
From Monday to Friday i wake up at 5:30, have a coffee and I'm out the door by 6. I get to work at 7.30, where a couple of people who barely speak English will look down on me tell me what i have to do for the day. I'm a cleaner in a train depot so I'm constantly doing my job ( which i hate and I'm deeply ashamed of ) around managers and engineers and when they as much as glance over my way i feel like scum and i should just go and slit my wrists longways. And that happens every 5 minutes. I'm pretty sure there is some ostrich DNA in me as i would love to just bury my head in the sand. I finish work at 15:00 and I'm home by 16:30. I grab something to eat and sit in front of the computer playing video games ( because they are my escape. I feel I'm in control and it gives me a sense of achievement. I'm aware that feeling is fake but I'll have it nonetheless) until around 22:30 and i finally fall asleep until next day. I'm at a point where sleeping is my favourite " activity " and i just wish i could do it forever. Saturdays and Sundays i sit in front of the computer for 8 hours + and the day's end up in drinking myself to sleep ( i do keep the drinking in control tho. My father is an alcoholic and i would never want to end up like him ).
3 years in this city and i haven't made and kind of progress. My job is the same and i find it difficult to switch it as i don't have any other experience of qualification. I'm still living with my mother and it's difficult to change that too because the money's not that good. It's enough to live, but not enough to save up for a deposit to rent some other place. I have no friends, nothing. I've realised I'm starting to be socially awkward some time ago but i just ignored it, and it simply overwhelms me at this point. I kept telling myself that I'm being held back because I'm a foreigner, because my mentality is slightly different than that of the masses, but deep down I've always known I'm just lying to myself. Got mixed feelings about everything and everyone. I hate dealing with people but as soon as it happens, i love it. I love talking to people and at the same time i wish i would just be left alone. I'm happy with myself as i believe I'm rather unique, and at the same time i hate myself as I realise that "uniqueness" keeps me from having normal relationships with people around me.
The problems and their causes go alot deeper than that and I'm smart enough to realise the root of the issues but I i don't have the willingness to fix them.
.... And the worst part is I'm fully aware I'm anxious and paranoid and it's ALL in my head and yet, that acknowledgement doesn't help at all. I'm never confident and always look for an excuse. I lie to my family about what i do and i lie to myself about what i am. I'm not even sure why i looked up this forum and decided to share this in the first place.
It took me 15 minutes to decide wether I should go through with it.
#edit1: I think i know what you're going to say. * Just change the way you think, it's not true * * it's all in your head, get over it * * just go out there and do it, force yourself, is not that hard*.
I think i know what i should do to help myself and yet i never do...
I apologize if this is in the wrong section but I'm reluctant to accurately diagnose myself as it would turn out i have 3 types of cancer.
" After this post's initial draft, i had 1156 words so i had to make it short"
I'm 22, living in London, England, originally from Romania, and I've been working as a cleaner on the London underground for the past 3 years. Typing what i feel now would be too much so I'll just type out my schedule and i hope empathy on your end will do the trick in figuring out why I'm so @#$&ed up.
From Monday to Friday i wake up at 5:30, have a coffee and I'm out the door by 6. I get to work at 7.30, where a couple of people who barely speak English will look down on me tell me what i have to do for the day. I'm a cleaner in a train depot so I'm constantly doing my job ( which i hate and I'm deeply ashamed of ) around managers and engineers and when they as much as glance over my way i feel like scum and i should just go and slit my wrists longways. And that happens every 5 minutes. I'm pretty sure there is some ostrich DNA in me as i would love to just bury my head in the sand. I finish work at 15:00 and I'm home by 16:30. I grab something to eat and sit in front of the computer playing video games ( because they are my escape. I feel I'm in control and it gives me a sense of achievement. I'm aware that feeling is fake but I'll have it nonetheless) until around 22:30 and i finally fall asleep until next day. I'm at a point where sleeping is my favourite " activity " and i just wish i could do it forever. Saturdays and Sundays i sit in front of the computer for 8 hours + and the day's end up in drinking myself to sleep ( i do keep the drinking in control tho. My father is an alcoholic and i would never want to end up like him ).
3 years in this city and i haven't made and kind of progress. My job is the same and i find it difficult to switch it as i don't have any other experience of qualification. I'm still living with my mother and it's difficult to change that too because the money's not that good. It's enough to live, but not enough to save up for a deposit to rent some other place. I have no friends, nothing. I've realised I'm starting to be socially awkward some time ago but i just ignored it, and it simply overwhelms me at this point. I kept telling myself that I'm being held back because I'm a foreigner, because my mentality is slightly different than that of the masses, but deep down I've always known I'm just lying to myself. Got mixed feelings about everything and everyone. I hate dealing with people but as soon as it happens, i love it. I love talking to people and at the same time i wish i would just be left alone. I'm happy with myself as i believe I'm rather unique, and at the same time i hate myself as I realise that "uniqueness" keeps me from having normal relationships with people around me.
The problems and their causes go alot deeper than that and I'm smart enough to realise the root of the issues but I i don't have the willingness to fix them.
.... And the worst part is I'm fully aware I'm anxious and paranoid and it's ALL in my head and yet, that acknowledgement doesn't help at all. I'm never confident and always look for an excuse. I lie to my family about what i do and i lie to myself about what i am. I'm not even sure why i looked up this forum and decided to share this in the first place.
It took me 15 minutes to decide wether I should go through with it.
#edit1: I think i know what you're going to say. * Just change the way you think, it's not true * * it's all in your head, get over it * * just go out there and do it, force yourself, is not that hard*.
I think i know what i should do to help myself and yet i never do...