xjlmummy
25-04-07, 16:48
Hello,
I've just come across the site and hope to learn from your experiences how to cope better with my depression/panic/agoraphobia/general anxiety/social phobia.
A bit about me; I'm 43, married for 2nd time to a good man who has his own mental health issues. I have 3 sons, 14 (with mild autism) 9 (awaiting assessment) and 2 (so far so good!). I'm educated to Masters level (supposed to be doing PhD at the moment) and usually work at senior management level; I used to work as a mental health nurse. Please understand, I'm not um "bigging myself up" or whatever:blush: - just trying to explain what a shock it is to feel so out of control and a failure.
I have a longish history of depression and over the past 3 years it has meant taking several months at a time off work. I've been on Paroxetine 20mg since September last year. I've also always found social situations awkward, but ok if I know what my role is (e.g. work-related, parent etc. Not good at crowds, chit-chat type encounters). Anyway things have got a lot worse this year and came to a head a month ago when I had a massive "panic attack" while driving on a motorway. I thought I was dying, couldn't breathe, heart racing, head whoshing, stomach hurting with stress. I was absolutely convinced that I was going to die. This is a big part of the whole experience, that I am doomed in some way, either to be killed horrifically or that I have some undiagnosed condition (brain tumour maybe?) and no-one takes it seriously.
Things have accelerated (excuse driving pun!) since and I'm now essentially housebound, largely bedbound as it's the only safe place. My GP initially gave me small numbers of Diazepam 2mg, but I don't have any left. I can't answer the phone unless I know who it is, and can't deal with stuff that needs to be sorted without crying or screaming or having another panic attack. I'm just about managing to cook for the children but it's a struggle. I can't concentrate to read for long or watch TV, and can't cope with violence or noisy programmes. I can't drive, can't go to work as I don't even like being driven, and have been off sick for 4 weeks. My boss (I changed jobs in January 2007) is not sympathetic, and wants me to attend a meeting to discuss my future with the company next Tuesday (assuming I can leave the house :shrug: ). Meanwhile, my mum is fairly dependent on me/us as she has breathing problems (COPD) and my dad who lives on the other side of the country alone is terminally ill with stage 3B lung cancer. The household falls apart when I'm not functioning, quite apart from the fact that as the wage-earner (my husband is on IB and does supported permitted work) we are likely to get into financial difficulties soon as I am only getting SSP now.
Just to confuse the picture (and give you a chance to phone for the men in white coats :wacko: ) I have brief bouts of "positive" stress when I firmly believe that I am here to heal the world (Messianic complex?).
Sorry, that was a long post, but I hope you "know" me a little now!
S.x
I've just come across the site and hope to learn from your experiences how to cope better with my depression/panic/agoraphobia/general anxiety/social phobia.
A bit about me; I'm 43, married for 2nd time to a good man who has his own mental health issues. I have 3 sons, 14 (with mild autism) 9 (awaiting assessment) and 2 (so far so good!). I'm educated to Masters level (supposed to be doing PhD at the moment) and usually work at senior management level; I used to work as a mental health nurse. Please understand, I'm not um "bigging myself up" or whatever:blush: - just trying to explain what a shock it is to feel so out of control and a failure.
I have a longish history of depression and over the past 3 years it has meant taking several months at a time off work. I've been on Paroxetine 20mg since September last year. I've also always found social situations awkward, but ok if I know what my role is (e.g. work-related, parent etc. Not good at crowds, chit-chat type encounters). Anyway things have got a lot worse this year and came to a head a month ago when I had a massive "panic attack" while driving on a motorway. I thought I was dying, couldn't breathe, heart racing, head whoshing, stomach hurting with stress. I was absolutely convinced that I was going to die. This is a big part of the whole experience, that I am doomed in some way, either to be killed horrifically or that I have some undiagnosed condition (brain tumour maybe?) and no-one takes it seriously.
Things have accelerated (excuse driving pun!) since and I'm now essentially housebound, largely bedbound as it's the only safe place. My GP initially gave me small numbers of Diazepam 2mg, but I don't have any left. I can't answer the phone unless I know who it is, and can't deal with stuff that needs to be sorted without crying or screaming or having another panic attack. I'm just about managing to cook for the children but it's a struggle. I can't concentrate to read for long or watch TV, and can't cope with violence or noisy programmes. I can't drive, can't go to work as I don't even like being driven, and have been off sick for 4 weeks. My boss (I changed jobs in January 2007) is not sympathetic, and wants me to attend a meeting to discuss my future with the company next Tuesday (assuming I can leave the house :shrug: ). Meanwhile, my mum is fairly dependent on me/us as she has breathing problems (COPD) and my dad who lives on the other side of the country alone is terminally ill with stage 3B lung cancer. The household falls apart when I'm not functioning, quite apart from the fact that as the wage-earner (my husband is on IB and does supported permitted work) we are likely to get into financial difficulties soon as I am only getting SSP now.
Just to confuse the picture (and give you a chance to phone for the men in white coats :wacko: ) I have brief bouts of "positive" stress when I firmly believe that I am here to heal the world (Messianic complex?).
Sorry, that was a long post, but I hope you "know" me a little now!
S.x