Failure

[weaner]

I feel such a failure as I've made an appointment to see the Doctor today - I just can't cope without the medication. I see no future, have no joy in my life and dread each morning. But on the flipside I feel a failure for returning to the medication.
Am I destined to be like this for the rest of my life?
I just want an answer - why did this start? I try and find something in my past that can be the answer but there isn't just one thing. I want to believe I've surpressed something in my mind - why is this happening to me - and why did it begin?
I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, my partner doesn't really understand and I life so far from my family now - they're all in the UK and I'm in France. Is there any hope of getting away from medication?

[jo61]

Please don't feel a failure because you need to be on medication. I know it's a cliche but if you were diabetic wouldn't you take insulin? No-one is saying you have to be on it for life. It just gives you the cushion to get your life back together and when you're really well, you maybe be able to come off it again. I've just been put on lithium which has turned my life around. I'm likely to be on it for a few years. However, if it's for life, so what so long as I'm happy. Let us know how you get on at the doctors

[honeybee3939]

Hi Weaner

Please dont think your a failure, i have been on and off meds for 10years now, i have come to the conclusion if one tablet a day gives me a better quality of life then that can only be good.
There are lots of people that have to take medication even those that dont suffer with anxiety, its nothing to be ashamed of hun.

Have you had any other kind of therapy to help? CBT etc. if not maybe it would be a good idea to have a word with your GP regarding this.

Hope all goes well with your appointment

And sending you a HUG:hugs: too!

Love
:hugs:
Andrea
xxxx

[manmoor]

Hi Weaner,

Never feel a failure :hugs: sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs :hugs:

[sarah1984]

Hi,
You're not a failure in any way at all. It's uncanny that Jo mentioned diabetic's needing insulin as that's exactly the analogy my doc used when she explained to me why some people need to take medication. I've been on medication for nearly eight years now and I wouldn't call myself a weak person or a failure. However, it may well be that as Jo says, it will only be a cushion that tides you over while you get your life back together. I promise you, you won't be like this for the rest of your life. Clinical depression cures itself with time. Although they are still not sure, there is strong proof that some forms of depression are caused by an ill balance of chemicals in the brain, which tends to run in families.
I hope your new meds help.

[jude uk]

I agree..YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE..
Some of the greatest poets writers thinkers suffered and I can bet no one thought they were a failure.. A hopkins the actor is on medication for depression and he does not see himself as a failure...a survivor you are

[honeybee]

I feel such a failure as I've made an appointment to see the Doctor today - I just can't cope without the medication. I see no future, have no joy in my life and dread each morning. But on the flipside I feel a failure for returning to the medication.
Am I destined to be like this for the rest of my life?
I just want an answer - why did this start? I try and find something in my past that can be the answer but there isn't just one thing. I want to believe I've surpressed something in my mind - why is this happening to me - and why did it begin?
I don't feel I have anyone to turn to, my partner doesn't really understand and I life so far from my family now - they're all in the UK and I'm in France. Is there any hope of getting away from medication?


hello hun... dont ever think of yourself as a failure... just because you're finding it hard DOES NOT make you a failure...

like you, i try and constantly look for answers as to why it all started and i found myself repeatedly saying "i just want the old me back" but i heard someone say the other day that whatever happens through life we'll never be the 'old me' because we are always changing... we just have the chance to grow into something new... maybe its time you stopped looking for answers in the past and say "ok, this is what i am now and these are the things i need to do to make myself happy now"...

i havent taken the medication route but the evidence is there that it can help a lot of people... why should you feel guilty about turning to medication??? if you had a physical illness and needed antibiotics would you take them?? if the medication can stop you from feeling like ''you cant cope'' and that ''you cant see a future'' thats wrong with taking them??? i think you could maybe take them whilst trying cognative behavioural therapy so that you feel you are doing something productive aswell as just turning to meds...

if you really dont want to take them have you tried CBT or any other form of therapy???

hope you feel better soon

[weaner]

Thanks for all the messages. I did go to the Doctor (or Docteur) and although we have a language barrier he was wonderful - I felt so much better just speaking to him. I have the prescription but not taken it yet. I felt great yesterday afternoon but lousy again this morning.
I know what you mean when you want the 'old me back' - I wish I could put my finger on what started all this. I used to be such a fun loving person - lived each day but now on days like today I feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Then I feel guilty for being so selfish when there are people in this world who really have problems.
I search for the defining moment in my life that triggered my anxiety - someone/something to blame an excuse.

I've tried CBT and that just seemed a way to supress the feelings or live with them and I'm not sure I can accept this. I want a big fat eraser to take it all away and I think the medication is the only way.

I was fostered and what little I know of my mother is she was suffering from mental illness but the description the social services gave in the 70s was less PC. So I assume I've inherited it or perhaps the years of 'clubbing' have upset the chemical balance of my brain.

Anyway I guess you all know this - I have to say it's a blessing to have this site to air these feelings. Thanks xx

[sarah1984]

Hi Weaner,

Take that prescription and soon! Have you tried seeing another doctor at the same practice? I'm not sure what the health system is like in France but as the French are all so good at English anyhow, I'm sure there would be someone there who could speak pretty decent if not fluent English.

Guilt very often accompanies depression/anxiety-I felt exactly the same as you: that I had everything to live for and a wonderful family and that there were people far worse off than me who were coping.

I'm surprised you feel that way about CBT-it's not meant to mask the feelings, rather to teach you to view them from a different perspective. It takes time and practice but eventually you won't have to bother and it will be like you had that big fat eraser.

It could well be that depression runs in your family if your mother was ill. My mum's suffered, my nan, her father, his mother and so on and it's one of the first questions psychiatrists ask.

I hope your new meds work out and you master the language barrier!

[Jaco45er]

Hi Weaner.

You are never a failure, infact us anxiety sufferers succeed to carry on with the strain of anxiety and depression, makes us hero's in my book ;).

I wouldn't beat yourself up on the "why me, why have I got this? when did it happen?". I am not convinced tracking a cause would actually make us better.

I prefer to look to the future, seeking out different ways to overcome (or at least, control) anxiety whether its meds, therapy or otherwise (I found Claire weekes self help stuff and exercise to be my best coping mechanism).

And I do know what you mean by the language barrier, I can sympathise. I am from a far away place called Glasgow and now I live in England, and I have that problem with my doc too.

Don't they talk funny down here? ;)

TC Jaco