View Full Version : House move causing severe anxiety ?
Hi all
First post from me here.
A little background on me and the situation.
Since a redundancy scare 6 years ago which triggered severe anxiety and low self esteem I have not managed to shake it. It's like I froze in the lights of an oncoming vehicle.
When nothing is changing or going on I am fine but when a change is a foot anxiety kicks in and I lose perspective completely.
It takes over me. For example we got a dog 2 years ago and when I made the decision I was fine, I spoke to the breeder for hours making sure it was right for me and a week before going to get the dog I began to feel anxious and all and every "what if" question hit me right between the eyes and I was almost paralysed by it.
The night before I could not sleep, I was tossing and turning thinking all negative thought.
In the morning if me and my 9 year old son drove to the breeders and all the way I was telling my son all the what if questions- she might die, she might get ill, she might run away, we won't be able to go to restaurants cinema or do the things we like to do - kind of thoughts. Once outside the breeders I froze and asked him - are you sure you want this dog ? He replied - yes dad.
So there is an example of what happens to me when faced with change.
The dog turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.
I used to be so sure of myself and now I feel like a mess.
I hold down a good job, I run 2 small businesses out of work hours, I have 2 boys age 7/11 and a wife. I do the school runs, cook dinner eland generally function well until a big decision or change is required.
My dad died 2 years ago and left us some money which we intended to use to buy a bigger house.
So we looked for 2 years and found one 2 months ago. We made the offer and it was accepted, I told my wife that it had 2 concerns. Despite being a 6 bed double fronted period Victorian home of modest proportions, the garden is overlooked from one side by a row of buildings but the aspect that overlooks is the rear of the houses. I also told her that he garden is north facing and as it is not long may not get as much sun but it does have a front garden that would be south facing to compensate for the rear. And I asked if she thought it was her forever home and she said yes so we cried with joy.
A week or do later we went to see it agin and anxiety hit big time.
I began looking for problems and of course I found them but they are mainly cosmetic such as a lowered ceiling in one room, bathroom is old and tired, all walls have ugly wallpaper, dated kitchen, decoration in one living room at atrocious green etc etc.
My wife loved it and would live in it as it is and would make the changes over time
She didn't mind the garden or any of it flaws.
Since then I have been tearing it appart in my head, becoming anxious about the day when I have to commit coming closer and closer, then we got news that my son didn't get in to the school we chose for him due to us living too far and this house is slightly further so I called the solicitor and asked him to stall the process while we gather our thoughts.
3 more weeks passed and each day my anxiety became worse and worse I thought about pulling out from the purchase and Got anxiety and I thought about proceeding with the purchase and faced anxiety so every way I looked it made me anxious and felt like there was no escape. My negative thoughts spiralling out of control.
As well as the anxiety or as a consequence of it I over thought the whole situation and ended up seeing it as something that the house is hurting me even though it's any, it's me turning it to poo. As a consequence of overthinking I ended up asking everyone I know for an opinion on the house and everyone said it's beautiful and gorgeous, the. Someone said "oh we went to see that and I wouldn't pay that money for it due to the overlooking buildings" and that stuck in my head.
I drive past the house and anxiety hits despite its amazing frontage and how lovely it is.
So the longer I stall and think the greater the anxiety hits. Every morning for the past 2 months now I wake at 5-6am and the thoughts attack as I toss and turn in the bed. I hate this and want it all to stop. The easy route would be to pull out of the purchase but I know that I would be giving in to it and may regret it and feel hard in myself when the anxiety subsides.
A friend told me that the anxiety is from indecision. She said go for it and or leave it just make a decision. Another friend came over and saw the pictures and sad - what on earth are you waiting for ? It's amazing just get it before someone else takes it off you !
Well yesterday the inevitable happened and the agent called my bluff and said why has your solicitor not received the instruction to proceed ? Are you going ahead ? And asked for a full report the following day.
So I sat with my wife to talk at 22.30 both tired and we decided to proceed. So the next day I called the legal and told him to go ahead. Today I woke with anxiety again and I think it's because it's more real now and the process is going ahead.
I am driving my wife mad my kids opinion of me may change and I am driving my friends mad too.
Granted I had a hangover this morning which I know doesn't bode well with anxiety but I needed a release.
Just like with the dog, the closer it gets the more anxiety I feel.
I know it will stop once the deed is done as there is no options n but to get on with it then but what can I do to rid myself of anxiety ? I don't want meds .
Is it too big, how much will the bills be ? How much will it cost to improve ? Is the location sale ? Will we get any sun ? Will it be cold in there ? What about the small garden ? What about the decor ? Horrible carpet in the living room ? What if I lose my job, what if my wife gets cancer again ? What if what if what if ?These are the thoughts I battle every day.
I decided to get a councillor who told me that it's not the Ouse causing this it's something underlying in me and these things are a trigger. I just don't want to make a wrong decision.
Logic is gone even though I know the answers. It's just a house, bricks and mortar and if we don't like it we can sell it again - sound right ? Yes but I don't believe these words of wisdom and feel like I am jumping off a cliff even though we have good jobs and can put a hefty deposit down on it.
For this sound like anxiety or am I making a wrong call ?
Thanks for hearing me out if you managed to get to he bottom of this message.
Any insight greatfully received.
I just want to feel excited and look forward to this !
HI RocketRon and welcome to the forum :) May I ask what breed do you have? That's the point the anxiety kicked re the dog and now you are fine with it, feel it will be the same with your new home, sure there will be things that aren't too your taste etc get the things that really need doing like electrics and heating etc done, cosmetics should be much easier to work out! Have you seen in side yet! Any original features like cast iron fireplaces? Nice floor in the hall way? :) Sounds like a dream home Like one of your friends says go for it!! Cheers
HI RocketRon and welcome to the forum :) May I ask what breed do you have? That's the point the anxiety kicked re the dog and now you are fine with it, feel it will be the same with your new home, sure there will be things that aren't too your taste etc get the things that really need doing like electrics and heating etc done, cosmetics should be much easier to work out! Have you seen in side yet! Any original features like cast iron fireplaces? Nice floor in the hall way? :) Sounds like a dream home Like one of your friends says go for it!! Cheers
Thank you ! She is an Australian Shepherd and a brilliant girl she is too.
As for the house - I hope you are right and that it's flaws don't plague me.
It has a few fireplaces, one in one living room and 2 in 2 of the bedrooms.
The floors are carpeted and have floor boards underneath. As for features the main living room has all original cornices and mouldings as do some other rooms but a few have been removed from previous works so may get recinstaged if funds allow which is another thing.
We have enough to buy it and move in but we also need to seek our current home to release more funds for internal improvements.
I worry about our first home selling in good time too.
Sincerely hope you are right.
Thank you !
Another morning approaches and I fear the anxiety will come back
I have lost a few kilos worrying already. Family concerned and losing sleep.
I think another contributing factor is that I work from home alone so I have far too much time to overthink things.
Homeworking is hard in that way
Thank you ! She is an Australian Shepherd and a brilliant girl she is too.
As for the house - I hope you are right and that it's flaws don't plague me.
It has a few fireplaces, one in one living room and 2 in 2 of the bedrooms.
The floors are carpeted and have floor boards underneath. As for features the main living room has all original cornices and mouldings as do some other rooms but a few have been removed from previous works so may get recinstaged if funds allow which is another thing.
We have enough to buy it and move in but we also need to seek our current home to release more funds for internal improvements.
I worry about our first home selling in good time too.
Sincerely hope you are right.
Thank you !
Another morning approaches and I fear the anxiety will come back
I have lost a few kilos worrying already. Family concerned and losing sleep.
I think another contributing factor is that I work from home alone so I have far too much time to overthink things.
Homeworking is hard in that way Hi RR sorry for not getting back to you went very tired last night and had to be up early for work ahh. She sounds a wonderful companion for you :) How old is she and what's her name?
I too have dog and she knows when I am down and she comforts me which is good, Her breed is a Staffy Bull Terrier they are sound, safe,loving,loyal dogs if brought up and trained correctly, but some people still shy away from them which is sad. Any pics of your dog you could share? Yeah the original features are a must in a Victorian house ;) You say wooden floors even in the hall way? Would have thought in the hall way would be a tiled floor probably was when it was first built. Ahh yes the cornices and ceiling rose where the gas lamp would have hung from the ceiling, are they still there? Really does sound a nice place. And I think moving in its self can cause stress in any one it will pass once you have moved in promise you :) As for working from home this wont help you one bit try and take some time out from your work if you can :) Cheers
up a ladder
31-03-17, 13:00
Hi Ron. What grabbed me by your post is that in nearly all cases you mention that spiked your anxiety, spiked mine when reading it. I can really understand your issues.
With regard to the dog. I have two beautiful Labs that are so good for me when anxious and they get me out of the house too.
I have a good job, that pays for our lifestyle and that is the biggest cause of my anxiety. I recently got a rollocking from my boss and to be fare I am usually not the person getting them, but tensions are high at the moment. This has put me in a really bad anxious and depressed state.
Moving house for me was terrible. We commited to a big mortgage and moved from our small cottage to a much larger house, but once I had signed those papers I was a mess until about a month after we moved in. I am not sure indecision causes anxiety, for me it is being trapped in any way shape or form from physical to financial.
Welcome along
Many thanks for the reply Up A Ladder.
I do hope you are feeling better yourself, incidentally I got a small telling off from mine too as my focus on work is all over the place.
I just spiked reading your reply. And today is an anxious day to say the least.
So yours subsided after a month ? Good, have you come to terms with the new home ? do you like it ? was it worth it ?
I think you are right - indecision isnt it. Its change that scares me, right now I am in my comfort zone and can relax as no change is imminent but as soon as change comes - wham - anxiety hits.
I dont think my hangover today helps much either.
I stayed up late talking to my wife last night and she loves the house so much I said - OK we are doing this, no turning back.
this morning I woke with anxiety again and she detected it and said that she cant take the roller coaster anymore, she went in to work crying.
I dont want to hurt anyone with my feelings. or drag them down, I just want this gone.
I dont think that backing out of the house is the solution though because thats giving in and anxiety should not be the driver of our lives.
Mortage wise - we will have the same level of mortgage on the bigger house once we sell the current one so its not going to be huge due to the inheritance my dad left me so its not the mortgage.
I have been here before. I remember and when it got me this bad last time I did back out - it was another house that time too but that one needed significant structural work unlike this one which is manly cosmetic.
Today I feel like screaming HELP.
---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------
Hi RR sorry for not getting back to you went very tired last night and had to be up early for work ahh. She sounds a wonderful companion for you :) How old is she and what's her name?
I too have dog and she knows when I am down and she comforts me which is good, Her breed is a Staffy Bull Terrier they are sound, safe,loving,loyal dogs if brought up and trained correctly, but some people still shy away from them which is sad. Any pics of your dog you could share? Yeah the original features are a must in a Victorian house ;) You say wooden floors even in the hall way? Would have thought in the hall way would be a tiled floor probably was when it was first built. Ahh yes the cornices and ceiling rose where the gas lamp would have hung from the ceiling, are they still there? Really does sound a nice place. And I think moving in its self can cause stress in any one it will pass once you have moved in promise you :) As for working from home this wont help you one bit try and take some time out from your work if you can :) Cheers
Thanks BBUK,
She is 2 and I have trained her for frisbee sports. That an example of how I can comit to something that wont trigger anxiety. We've gone from zero to the best team in the UK.
As for the house - I think the wood floors are original, some have tiles some dont, there have been some historic changes in the house so some rooms have those features and some dont. The main living room has the rose, the mouldings and cornices bearing roses all around the room, the other living room doesn't have the rose but does have the cornices.
I sincerely hope that you are right about feeling better once moved in - thats the time at which I have to face part 2 - the work required to update the house. When feeling good, I can do that kind of thing, when anxious I am all over the place.
Hope you are doing well today.
I am on High mountain oolong tea for Theanine and rescue remedy today....
Many thanks for the reply Up A Ladder.
I do hope you are feeling better yourself, incidentally I got a small telling off from mine too as my focus on work is all over the place.
I just spiked reading your reply. And today is an anxious day to say the least.
So yours subsided after a month ? Good, have you come to terms with the new home ? do you like it ? was it worth it ?
I think you are right - indecision isnt it. Its change that scares me, right now I am in my comfort zone and can relax as no change is imminent but as soon as change comes - wham - anxiety hits.
I dont think my hangover today helps much either.
I stayed up late talking to my wife last night and she loves the house so much I said - OK we are doing this, no turning back.
this morning I woke with anxiety again and she detected it and said that she cant take the roller coaster anymore, she went in to work crying.
I dont want to hurt anyone with my feelings. or drag them down, I just want this gone.
I dont think that backing out of the house is the solution though because thats giving in and anxiety should not be the driver of our lives.
Mortage wise - we will have the same level of mortgage on the bigger house once we sell the current one so its not going to be huge due to the inheritance my dad left me so its not the mortgage.
I have been here before. I remember and when it got me this bad last time I did back out - it was another house that time too but that one needed significant structural work unlike this one which is manly cosmetic.
Today I feel like screaming HELP.
---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------
Thanks BBUK,
She is 2 and I have trained her for frisbee sports. That an example of how I can comit to something that wont trigger anxiety. We've gone from zero to the best team in the UK.
As for the house - I think the wood floors are original, some have tiles some dont, there have been some historic changes in the house so some rooms have those features and some dont. The main living room has the rose, the mouldings and cornices bearing roses all around the room, the other living room doesn't have the rose but does have the cornices.
I sincerely hope that you are right about feeling better once moved in - thats the time at which I have to face part 2 - the work required to update the house. When feeling good, I can do that kind of thing, when anxious I am all over the place.
Hope you are doing well today.
I am on High mountain oolong tea for Theanine and rescue remedy today.... Ron she sounds really:shades: And kudos to for the hard work involved :) Yes the trouble in these old character filled house when it keeps changing hands certain feature are taken out sadly, modified etc and it spoils the house IMHO. But you still have some nice features left which is good :)
You will be fine it's just a big thing happening in your life take your mind off with your dog for eg she is your rock as for what really needs to be done I would say bit by bit nice and steady as it's massive house by the sound of things so one room or two at a time maybe. You will be fine Cheers
Thank you BBUK,
Woke up this morning with the anxiety. Last night we were at a family do and having a few drinks I was - yes ! Let's do it !
This morning it's a different story with me feeling fed up with myself and wanting an end to this debilitating feeling. It's torture. Absolute torture.
It's just a house ! Why does this feel so bad ? It could be an adventure it could be fun and exciting but no I have to drag it down and second guess everything.
My wife is rapidly losing patience with me.
I am considering taking an L-theanine pill today. It does help but leaves me feeling lethargic the following day.
Thank you BBUK,
Woke up this morning with the anxiety. Last night we were at a family do and having a few drinks I was - yes ! Let's do it !
This morning it's a different story with me feeling fed up with myself and wanting an end to this debilitating feeling. It's torture. Absolute torture.
It's just a house ! Why does this feel so bad ? It could be an adventure it could be fun and exciting but no I have to drag it down and second guess everything.
My wife is rapidly losing patience with me.
I am considering taking an L-theanine pill today. It does help but lt leaves me feeling lethargic the following day. That's ok Ron :) Think the drink doesn't help with the condition (anxiety) much though at the time you are having fun then next day bang out of the window it goes! I guess it's the extra pressure (such as buying a new place to live) doesn't help matters and adds fuel to the fire :eek: Like you say it should be a 'adventure' I am sorry to hear that you wife is fast losing patience with you this certainly cant help, I presume she is normally supportive and understands your anxiety problems?
If you find some temp relief regarding taking a L-theanine pill and are willing to feel tired tomorrow then fine what ever works for you Ron :) Hope you feel back to normal soon Cheers
up a ladder
01-04-17, 15:58
That's ok Ron :) Think the drink doesn't help with the condition (anxiety) much though at the time you are having fun then next day bang out of the window it goes! I guess it's the extra pressure (such as buying a new place to live) doesn't help matters and adds fuel to the fire :eek: Like you say it should be a 'adventure' I am sorry to hear that you wife is fast losing patience with you this certainly cant help, I presume she is normally supportive and understands your anxiety problems?
If you find some temp relief regarding taking a L-theanine pill and are willing to feel tired tomorrow then fine what ever works for you Ron :) Hope you feel back to normal soon Cheers
Crikey...How bloody true with the point "It should be an adventure" that kind of summs up anxiety doesn't it? I (know I shouldn't) see people going on holidays, starting new jobs, staying in hotels all with smiles on their faces whilst I am looking for a way out of all those situations as they can make me feel so crappy.
Oddly enough and not really in the same league as a house move, but Mrs Up a Ladder also issued me a formal warning that I MUST come to a conclusion about the holiday I have booked for August. At the time it seemed like a good idea. For the last few weeks it makes me feel like it will send me insane with anticipation and anxiety
Crikey...How bloody true with the point "It should be an adventure" that kind of summs up anxiety doesn't it? I (know I shouldn't) see people going on holidays, starting new jobs, staying in hotels all with smiles on their faces whilst I am looking for a way out of all those situations as they can make me feel so crappy.
Oddly enough and not really in the same league as a house move, but Mrs Up a Ladder also issued me a formal warning that I MUST come to a conclusion about the holiday I have booked for August. At the time it seemed like a good idea. For the last few weeks it makes me feel like it will send me insane with anticipation and anxiety
A holiday is a good thing my ladder. Easy for me to say I know, you must be in a different place to me.
In my case I would love the escape of a holiday right now tbh.
Think of it like an escape. We go to some island in the med and I feel myself again there, I have dreams and love looking up at the stars at night.
Today the anxiety over the house is crippling. I couldn't even look at the letter from the solicitor which is what kicked my wife off in the first place.
I hate my kids seeing me like this too. They should have a better role model so I need to get through this and I need to start seeing it as the adventure it could be.
I have taken a theanine and lemon balm pill now since the harsh words with the wife and am calming, it does work to some extent but makes everything a bit distant and "yeah whatever" kind of feelings arise.
If we do go through with it, I hope that in 6 months I will be laughing at how I was doing this and that I will be happy working on the new old house.
up a ladder
01-04-17, 16:55
RR
My house move was one of my more violent triggers and I, like you could not face the paperwork without feeling lousy. In our situation it was mandatory as we moved into rented so we could take our time and find what we wanted without being in the chain. It perfectly coincided with the rental period, so we had to go.
The day of the move, I was a zombie. Luckliy the 5 eastern european movers were fantastic and kept my children busy and entertained. I did wonder if their boss could see I was not having a good day.
Once in, I felt no better but. The following days things got better and it was improving with a couple of off days here and there, but within a month I was happy and settled. Never looked back really.
As usual with me the anticipation is far, far worse than the reality. Just need to make me understand that whilst I am in a state of panic.
Keep well and I like your blog by the way.
I can't describe just how much this post hit home right now. I found this thread by googling "anxiety over buying a house" ....and woah, I could have written this exact post. Down to the back and forth roller coaster of emotion, the constant worry, waking up feeling sick, feeling unable to be excited. Please, if you can find a few minutes, I would love to hear an update on how things feel now for you. We close in 2 weeks, and yet I'm plagued by thinking maybe I should back out. I would lose thousands, and that would cause some anxiety too, but not as much as I'm feeling now. Yet, I have always wanted this....and I think if I don't go through with it that we never will. I hope that a few months from now it'll all feel normal. I had the same reaction both times I was pregnant, severe dread and regret and worry, so I know this is my pattern. Still this somehow feels even bigger, like potentially more of a risk. anxious to hear back from you, OP
welsh girl
05-08-18, 09:10
Hi Does the finance side worry you? If you have a good Solicitor He/She wlll look after you. Do you live n the U.K ? if yes, you will not be aloud to purchase until you have sold your own unless you have the means to do so,
So no need to worry, everything will go smoothly, spend your time planning nice things like, what to do with with the garden, where to put the furniture etc,
As stated in another post I was an estate Agent and have guided many clients through this procedure to a happy conclusion, Don't worry all will be fine.
From personal experience i have bitten the bullet twenty six times,keeps you young !!
MaeKrugern
22-12-21, 16:26
Hello, RocketRon! Even for people without any trouble with panic attacks, sometimes big changes like buying a new house can bring anxiety and panic. I think you are doing fine with fighting your anxiety. If you want to be 100% sure about your decision to buy a new house, I recommend you approach the professional Mortgage Broker in London (https://bristolmoneyman.com/) and consult about your mortgage contract for your future home. Maybe this step will help you to don't stress about this decision.
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