Please no judgement. I'm desperate!

[Wanttoforget]

Hello there,

I've recently been put on Prozac for anxiety (very debilitating at the moment) and depression.

I'm a home maker and have a loving husband and child. We have a nice life but I have always been plagued with anxiety & depression.

For some reason this time round the Prozac is making me have flash backs for no reason at all. Flashbacks to old memories that I have never thought about or totally forgotten about. It could be a simple tv advert or reading an article that makes me have a flash back.

One in particular has sickened me to the core and I can't forget it or shrug it off.

I was a young teen either 12/13/14 years old. I was very curious and a very sexual being I guess like most at that age. I remember being in school & a friend telling me about someone that had put peanut butter on their bits to try and coerce the dog to lick them down there.

So I thought it sounded quite intriguing and when I got the chance I tried to coerce my dog to do the same (can't remember if PB was involved or not! Probably not, my mum hates it!) from what I remember the dog either had a sniff and walked away or had a tiny lick and walked away and I did not persue it. I forgot about it and got on with life.

I have no dodgy bestiality fantasies or anything like that. I feel thoroughly ashamed and disgusted with myself as to what on earth I was thinking? At the time the moral issues and legalities of it never even occurred to me! I was just larking around out of curiosity.

I am a normal person and the thought that I have done this deeply saddens me. I feel like such a freak!! What was the matter with me!!! I had a 'normal' upbringing too!

I can't seem to come to terms with this or see a way out. My husband knows everything about me or so I thought. I don't quite know how he would view this.

Please someone help!

L

[ana]

Please, just forgive yourself. Kids are curious and like you say, you didn't do it out of some perverse sexual desire towards the animal, but rather out of the wish to see what it was all about. Teenagers are forever trying to understand themselves and the world around them, and are trying to figure our what their urges are all about. That one time was an isolated instance and you didn't pursue anything of the sort in your adult life, so there is no point in beating yourself up over it. :)

[Anxious-Annie]

This sounds very much like normal teenage experimenting stuff! It didn't mean anything to you at the time which is why it has never been an issue for you. I would try and put it back where it has been. The mind does weird things to us in times of stress!!!

[Catherine S]

If your son or daughter ever came and confided in you with something like this, and they were as upset and ashamed as you are now about it...what would you tell them? You'd tell them not to worry, not to feel so bad, that it's a normal part of growing into adulthood wouldn't you? So be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook :)

ISB x x

[Wanttoforget]

Please, just forgive yourself. Kids are curious and like you say, you didn't do it out of some perverse sexual desire towards the animal, but rather out of the wish to see what it was all about. Teenagers are forever trying to understand themselves and the world around them, and are trying to figure our what their urges are all about. That one time was an isolated instance and you didn't pursue anything of the sort in your adult life, so there is no point in beating yourself up over it. :)



Thank you Ana, that's a very sweet reply. It is true. But I also seem to be cut up about the legalities of it. I mean, is this illegal!?

---------- Post added at 21:20 ---------- Previous post was at 21:18 ----------


This sounds very much like normal teenage experimenting stuff! It didn't mean anything to you at the time which is why it has never been an issue for you. I would try and put it back where it has been. The mind does weird things to us in times of stress!!!

Thank you Annie. I'm desperately trying to put it to the back of my mind.
It's weird that I've not thought about this for all of those years. Nothing has ever triggered that memory before. I'm also worried about the legalities of it too. I've had a good Google and surprised to see how many other people did similar things when they were younger?

---------- Post added at 21:23 ---------- Previous post was at 21:20 ----------


If your son or daughter ever came and confided in you with something like this, and they were as upset and ashamed as you are now about it...what would you tell them? You'd tell them not to worry, not to feel so bad, that it's a normal part of growing into adulthood wouldn't you? So be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook :)

ISB x x


Hi ISB,

That's a great spin on things. I would Definately tell them it's going to be ok and that they are growing up and teenagers can do some random things when hormones are flying around everywhere. I'm just also worried about the fact of committing an offence too. I feel so detached today more poor toddler has had a down in the dumps mummy today. x

[MyNameIsTerry]

Are you sure they are flashbacks? Could they be intrusive thoughts instead? These can be visual. I ask because intrusive thoughts can be a result of higher levels of anxiety in some and these meds can ramp up anxiety initially. Also intrusive thoughts are a listed side effect of some of these meds. Post start up, they could just go.

Back to the thoughts though. Do you understand how intrusive thoughts work? How they are a clash of morals and the opposite of character? That's why they scare us initially which is a reinforcement reaction. Learning not to react to them sees them fade as the subconscious learns the conscious mind doesn't care about them.

Your age was a factor here, as said by others. Yes, it was wrong but we make mistakes and whilst you mention coercion (or do you mean tempt? Tempt would conjure up less of an image of physical handling), it seems you immediately stopped so is it as bad as your mind is currently making out? You can't change it so you have to learn to accept it for what it was at the time and move forward from it.

As far as legality goes, it was years ago and the dog won't be pursuing anything. No evidence of behaviour = no case, even when something is illegal. But I suspect this is a minor abuse by a child. Try not to look at it as if you were an adult at the time, your anxious mind will try to twist it into a bigger issue and apply various forms of bias.

[Wanttoforget]

Are you sure they are flashbacks? Could they be intrusive thoughts instead? These can be visual. I ask because intrusive thoughts can be a result of higher levels of anxiety in some and these meds can ramp up anxiety initially. Also intrusive thoughts are a listed side effect of some of these meds. Post start up, they could just go.

Back to the thoughts though. Do you understand how intrusive thoughts work? How they are a clash of morals and the opposite of character? That's why they scare us initially which is a reinforcement reaction. Learning not to react to them sees them fade as the subconscious learns the conscious mind doesn't care about them.

Your age was a factor here, as said by others. Yes, it was wrong but we make mistakes and whilst you mention coercion (or do you mean tempt? Tempt would conjure up less of an image of physical handling), it seems you immediately stopped so is it as bad as your mind is currently making out? You can't change it so you have to learn to accept it for what it was at the time and move forward from it.

As far as legality goes, it was years ago and the dog won't be pursuing anything. No evidence of behaviour = no case, even when something is illegal. But I suspect this is a minor abuse by a child. Try not to look at it as if you were an adult at the time, your anxious mind will try to twist it into a bigger issue and apply various forms of bias.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I really appreciate it.

These are definately flashbacks. I have had intrusive thoughts before and they are relatively easy for me to differentiate at the moment.
With regards to coercion you're absolutely right. Tempt would be a more suitable word absolutely. There was no forcing or handling of the dog or anything like that.

I don't know how to move on from this or whether I should even allow myself too. I feel like I'm putting myself in the same category as people who do worse things to animals/children which makes me utterly sick and is so far removed from everything that I am as a person.
I'm so tempted to tell my husband (problem shared etc) he's had to hear a lot of things from me and deals with my anxiety and depression. He's a saint in my eyes but I'm not sure if this is a step to weird for him.

I wish I was normal And boring sometimes 😕

[MyNameIsTerry]

I'm glad you clarified on that wording because it actually reduces the perceived wrongdoing. That's something to remember.

The issue is here is how you are viewing it, which is absolutely about your anxiety because otherwise you would have felt like this ever since it happened. And I suspect part of this includes a level of paranoia, which I've found comes from higher anxiety periods.

When my anxiety was really bad I started worrying about something from a past relationship when I was young. Completely out of the blue. I found myself thinking whether I had done something because my mind latched onto a jokey comment my GF of the time said. I started to wonder "what if" she didn't mean it that way? But the truth is, she was still my GF stayed with me for a year after and it was a good relationship that grew apart. She would have acted differently if that moment of jokes fantasy stuff was actually real.

It was just an anxious mind latching on and analysing through biased fear filled eyes. Why? Well, it would have meant something of breaking of a moral code for me, shame on family, etc. The latter being a very big deal for me that was underpinning my other intrusive thoughts.

You have a real event here, like I did. You did something a bit silly as a child experimenting, that's all. It's only that dog being involved that is making you worry so much because you are incorrectly associating yourself with real abusers. That's absolutely not you.

As for your husband, only you can answer that question. But I would question why a partner who knows everything about you and has gone as far as marriage & children would allow something to threaten his family, and obvious love for you. Is it perhaps more anxious thinking? In particular a "what if" he thinks I'm a risk to my children?

As you will know from your intrusive thoughts, they seek to find our Achilles Heel, the things that clash the most with our strong moral beliefs that cause the greatest fear reaction to reinforce their importance. To a parent, their children so often are the focus of these thoughts because they are the most important thing in your life. So, like with intrusive thoughts, it's likely a parent will find their anxiety latching on to this as it represents a major risk in their life.

Does that make sense?

I would also consider telling your GP about this. If a med is ramping your anxiety up to into flashbacks, they may consider changing it. Flashbacks are the key criteria separating PTSD from other disorders so it suggests a level of trauma involved and your GP may have concerns over this being added in top of the already difficult time you are going through.

There are trauma tools used in CBT for this that help to reprocess memories. I'll add a link in later in case they are any help.

Oh and, I bet you that any man out there has things from adolescence and young adult days that he would probably not tell a woman for similiar reasons. So, is the difference really more your anxious focus on yours? After all, you must have accepted it up until now. My point, other than your anxious focus, is when you are telling him he is going to be thinking about his own past experiences, therefore he will consider his own moral standing and come to a conclusion of you in regard to what he has done. Unless he's perhaps a 100% pure Saint :noangel: so perhaps your anxious mind isn't considering that possibility? Look how all of us posted telling you it was just experimentation and we don't know you and most of all, he loves you which is a very significant factor in this.

[Wanttoforget]

I'm glad you clarified on that wording because it actually reduces the perceived wrongdoing. That's something to remember.

The issue is here is how you are viewing it, which is absolutely about your anxiety because otherwise you would have felt like this ever since it happened. And I suspect part of this includes a level of paranoia, which I've found comes from higher anxiety periods.

When my anxiety was really bad I started worrying about something from a past relationship when I was young. Completely out of the blue. I found myself thinking whether I had done something because my mind latched onto a jokey comment my GF of the time said. I started to wonder "what if" she didn't mean it that way? But the truth is, she was still my GF stayed with me for a year after and it was a good relationship that grew apart. She would have acted differently if that moment of jokes fantasy stuff was actually real.

It was just an anxious mind latching on and analysing through biased fear filled eyes. Why? Well, it would have meant something of breaking of a moral code for me, shame on family, etc. The latter being a very big deal for me that was underpinning my other intrusive thoughts.

You have a real event here, like I did. You did something a bit silly as a child experimenting, that's all. It's only that dog being involved that is making you worry so much because you are incorrectly associating yourself with real abusers. That's absolutely not you.

As for your husband, only you can answer that question. But I would question why a partner who knows everything about you and has gone as far as marriage & children would allow something to threaten his family, and obvious love for you. Is it perhaps more anxious thinking? In particular a "what if" he thinks I'm a risk to my children?

As you will know from your intrusive thoughts, they seek to find our Achilles Heel, the things that clash the most with our strong moral beliefs that cause the greatest fear reaction to reinforce their importance. To a parent, their children so often are the focus of these thoughts because they are the most important thing in your life. So, like with intrusive thoughts, it's likely a parent will find their anxiety latching on to this as it represents a major risk in their life.

Does that make sense?

I would also consider telling your GP about this. If a med is ramping your anxiety up to into flashbacks, they may consider changing it. Flashbacks are the key criteria separating PTSD from other disorders so it suggests a level of trauma involved and your GP may have concerns over this being added in top of the already difficult time you are going through.

There are trauma tools used in CBT for this that help to reprocess memories. I'll add a link in later in case they are any help.

Oh and, I bet you that any man out there has things from adolescence and young adult days that he would probably not tell a woman for similiar reasons. So, is the difference really more your anxious focus on yours? After all, you must have accepted it up until now. My point, other than your anxious focus, is when you are telling him he is going to be thinking about his own past experiences, therefore he will consider his own moral standing and come to a conclusion of you in regard to what he has done. Unless he's perhaps a 100% pure Saint :noangel: so perhaps your anxious mind isn't considering that possibility? Look how all of us posted telling you it was just experimentation and we don't know you and most of all, he loves you which is a very significant factor in this.

Terry thank you so much for your reply. It's really appreciated that someone has taken the time to write a response.

Your experience you mention reminds me of something that I would do/have done in the past. It's such a torment.

Yes, I was being an experimental child but how does it still differentiate me from all those monsters out there? I know I'm not a monster but aren't my actions similar to that of one? I almost keep thinking that I should just "hand myself in" for what I did? Let them deal with me in the appropriate way?

That is true about my husband. I would like to think it'd be another thing he could just accept me for after we have all this together. But those thoughts have crossed my mind. "What if he thinks I am really into all that twisted bestiality stuff" and "what if he doesn't trust me with our children" etc.

With regards to the intrusive thoughts, that makes absolute sense. That's what I try and rationalise to myself as to why it happens. The achillies heel thing is spot on.

I have been considering going back to the GP but I've only been on these fluoxetine pills 1.5 weeks. So my concern is she will tell me it's common when first taking them(although this is the first time that this side effect has happened to me).

Thank you, those links sound like they're definitely worth a look thank you. I've had CBT in the past and I've always found it didn't do anything for me but I'm intrigued by these tools you mention.

I'd be intrigued to see if my husband has had any strange adolescent experiences but I doubt it's anything out of the ordinary! He's very straight laced! But you never know. It's strange to think how I've accepted/forgotten about it up until now. There have been so many occasions or things mentioned in everyday passing that could have surfaced this memory but it never came flashing back. I find this so so bizarre. I also find it weird how I wasn't agonising over it at the time like I am now. I feel like to move on I need someone to tell me I won't be sent to prison or I've not really done anything wrong or that I'm not a freak and it's ok everyone does things like this (well judging by Google lots have weirdly!) I just want to know it's going to be alright. I'm writing this balling my eyes out as I come to the end of this rabbitting on. I haven't been able to cry properly since taking the meds but this makes me weep.

L

[MyNameIsTerry]

You are asking all classic questions of those who suffer intrusive thoughts, L. How do I know I'm not the monster I fear? I need to know 100% I'm not and that I'm not in trouble or have broken any laws. Am I a risk?

Part of this is reassurance seeking but we also have the all-or-nothing thinking issue where we want a 100% answer. You can't get one in a situation like this, like much of life, so learning to accept is going to be important.

If you've researched about intrusive thoughts in the past, you will have seen how the medical profession agreed that they are "ego dystonic" in nature, the opposite of true character & beliefs, and how acting in them is rare. Whilst you are talking about flashbacks, I see the same process in play because the subconscious always makes checks to it's programming, the core beliefs & schemas, etc. And in intrusive thoughts, the process is just that the subconscious sees a clash and literally is saying "ok, conscious mind I have no idea what to do with this as it clashes so you tell me". You react with negatives and since the the area of the brain looking for the response can only see a negative response, like fear, it ticks a box like "ok, conscious reacted so this must be important".

Therapists use metaphors to explain that in therapy. It's useful because it tells us we are reacting so strongly because of that clash with out true nature. If you were into abusing an animal, would you react based on such morals? Of course not. You would be happily engaging with such fantasies and acting on them.

It's also important to remember that it was an isolated event. If you were actually developing this type of belief, it wouldn't disappear like that. Such things grow in those that actually do suffer such problems, and behaviour is strange in the development stages of being young.

With the med, intrusive thoughts are often found and if they are making the patient much worse a GP should consider whether a switch is better as sometimes we just aren't suited to one. Flashbacks seems a bit of an advanced side effect as they are less seen outside of PTSD and your GP would surely want to at least monitor this? That med ramps up over about 5 weeks until it reaches steady-state where it stabilises and side effects can come and go throughout that.

There is a member called panic_down_under who is a wealth of information about meds. It would be interesting if he has come across this so perhaps pop a thread on the Meds board too, which he posts on mostly and on a daily basis.

If your anxiety has increased since starting this med, it may naturally subside and perhaps this will go away?

[Wanttoforget]

Feeling so sick today. Anxiety and keep dreaming about this whole thing ��

[Wanttoforget]

Bump

[Fishmanpa]

You've gotten some very good replies explaining much of what you're feeling. The forum is great in that there are many that have experienced something similar and several have shared. However, it's not a replacement for real life professional help. Perhaps it's time to look into that.

Positive thoughts