Guns&Roses
05-04-17, 23:33
Hi everyone, this is my first post on the forum. I initially had no idea what to say. But I've got myself in a crisis, and I desperately need to tell someone.
I have a fantastic new boyfriend. Amazing! He's great... He's sweet, caring, smart, he understands me... etc. Though I won't see him much (yes, it's an LDR, but in this country, thankfully). The thing is, I have very severe social anxiety, and I've wondered if I have a personality disorder. I have extremely poor self image - actually I don't have a sense of self. I consider myself ugly, inside and out, and that belief is deep. It affects everything in my life, and my quality of life is nil because of it. And because of it, I have a history of feeling completely unworthy, unattractive, and unwanted in relationships. And it makes me insane.
I'm mortified to send this out into the world... Feel free to virtually slap me. I need reality and I need it fast. I have convinced myself that this man is going to lose interest, if he hasn't already, that he will not want me. I am scared of my phone because my insane mind is telling me that if he doesn't text, he's not interested in talking to me. That he has better things to do and I'm not appealing. I don't want all-day chats... It's hard to put into words. My mind is reading into how often he talks, for how long, how long the gap is between replies... I know it's psycho girl. I don't want to be psycho girl. I just have this fear rising in me more and more every day. I expect to be unwanted. I'm waiting for it.
I felt this way in my previous relationship. I forgot how frightening it is to have these thoughts. It's like a demon has taken residence inside my mind and is making everything dark, deadly. It's telling me I'm not attractive, desirable, lovable. Wanted. I know it's mental illness. I can see logic, but I can't grab hold of it. And there's a lot of evidence on the side of logic, too. A list! I can see the obvious, logical things like jobs, exhaustion, hobbies and interests, communication styles, men being, well, men. I can see there's an alternate perspective on my relationship that's completely different from what I really see... a perspective that's happy and peaceful, and most importantly, sane. I just can't get it.
I'm very lonely in life which doesn't help. Terrified I have Dependent Personality Disorder! I also feel very lost about my direction. I have read all the self help books but I need an urgent psychotherapist. I've actually considered calling 111 or a crisis line. It's stupid. It's shameful. But I have a Demon inside my head. My boyfriend deserves sanity. I do too. I'm crying all the time.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so embarrassed.:weep:
I have a fantastic new boyfriend. Amazing! He's great... He's sweet, caring, smart, he understands me... etc. Though I won't see him much (yes, it's an LDR, but in this country, thankfully). The thing is, I have very severe social anxiety, and I've wondered if I have a personality disorder. I have extremely poor self image - actually I don't have a sense of self. I consider myself ugly, inside and out, and that belief is deep. It affects everything in my life, and my quality of life is nil because of it. And because of it, I have a history of feeling completely unworthy, unattractive, and unwanted in relationships. And it makes me insane.
I'm mortified to send this out into the world... Feel free to virtually slap me. I need reality and I need it fast. I have convinced myself that this man is going to lose interest, if he hasn't already, that he will not want me. I am scared of my phone because my insane mind is telling me that if he doesn't text, he's not interested in talking to me. That he has better things to do and I'm not appealing. I don't want all-day chats... It's hard to put into words. My mind is reading into how often he talks, for how long, how long the gap is between replies... I know it's psycho girl. I don't want to be psycho girl. I just have this fear rising in me more and more every day. I expect to be unwanted. I'm waiting for it.
I felt this way in my previous relationship. I forgot how frightening it is to have these thoughts. It's like a demon has taken residence inside my mind and is making everything dark, deadly. It's telling me I'm not attractive, desirable, lovable. Wanted. I know it's mental illness. I can see logic, but I can't grab hold of it. And there's a lot of evidence on the side of logic, too. A list! I can see the obvious, logical things like jobs, exhaustion, hobbies and interests, communication styles, men being, well, men. I can see there's an alternate perspective on my relationship that's completely different from what I really see... a perspective that's happy and peaceful, and most importantly, sane. I just can't get it.
I'm very lonely in life which doesn't help. Terrified I have Dependent Personality Disorder! I also feel very lost about my direction. I have read all the self help books but I need an urgent psychotherapist. I've actually considered calling 111 or a crisis line. It's stupid. It's shameful. But I have a Demon inside my head. My boyfriend deserves sanity. I do too. I'm crying all the time.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm so embarrassed.:weep: