Divorce, motherhood and guilt

[sallad]

I have so much guilt that creates stress and then I panic. I am divorced from their father [we were married 17 years but he had a bad temper and it got too much] and now I am engaged to a wonderful man who is kind and gentle. We are getting married in June. We are also looking at buying a home together. My oldest son really doesn't want to move. I feel so bad all the time. Bad because I got divorced and that hurt the boys. Bad because I have a job now because I have to make more money to support us, and bad about having an adult relationship...and really bad about moving even though it is a much better neighborhood and a good thing for us long term...anyone else relate? Help. Sallad:weep:

[Reemy]

Hi Sallad,

Let go of the guilt! It's time to flip all that around and switch it to a feeling of pride. You said you feel guilty for divorcing your sons' father because it hurt them. Well, I also see the phrase "he had a bad temper" as code words for "he was a emotionally abusive and felt bigger by making other people feel smaller." Am I right? I think staying in that relationship would have told your kids that it was an acceptable situation. It wasn't. You got out! Divorce can be painful, but staying can cause even more problems in the long run. Be pround of yourself. You sent the message to your sons that you deserve happiness and you all deserve peace in your home.

You're getting married! Congratulations! Deciding to share your life with a gentle and kind man is a wonderful and healthy thing to do. You have to take care of yourself to be the best mom to your kids. Having a great adult relationship is a good way to do that. And while this man isn't their father, he will be modeling a differnt kind of behavior in the home than they're used to from their father. He's bound to be a good influence and show them that being a man doesn't mean being domineering or tempermental.

You're working! Isn't great that you're able to work and provide for your family? It's a testament to your health, and that you prioritise your family's needs. Again, you're showing a positive example to your boys!

You're moving! I know that can be exciting and stressful at the same time, but as you said, it's a much better neighborhood. After you've settled in, they may love it. Just be sure to give them extra emotional support while they adjust. It's harder for older kids, but they're still resillient. They'll be making new friends they never would have had the chance to meet without this move.

If you feel guilty you'll act guilty, and your boys will pick up on that. But if you feel sure of yourself and confident that you're doing the very best for them, they'll pick up on that, too. Be proud!

It sounds like you're doing all the right things!

:hugs:

[Coni]

Hi Sallad,

I think you're making all the right decisions both for you and your children...sometimes change is difficult, especially where anxiety lurks already. Reemy is absolutely right, try to let go of the guilt and be confident that the choices you're making are the best ones for your family. Cant really add anything to what Reemy has already said (great reply Reemy):) .

Good luck Sallad and enjoy your new life!

luv Coni X:hugs:

[groovygranny]

Hi Sallad!

I wholeheartedly second what Reemy and Coni have said.

You have a bright future ahead for you and your family.

It's natural you feel guilty (even though you should feel proud!) because you're a mum who is bringing about change in your children's lives. As mothers it is our instinct to protect our children from anything that might upset, hurt, or even challenge them, sometimes. But children can be more resilient than we give them credit for (I know mine are!) and it's vital for them to experience the bumpy bits in life as well as the smooth bits so they can grow up well adjusted and wise, and we must allow this, difficult though it is.

And when they're surrounded by love, as yours so obviously are, it makes the growing up easier for them to cope with.

So, try and draw a line under the painful past, pat yourself on the back for making the right decisions - and enjoy your new, well-deserved happiness!

Congratulations!

:hugs::flowers::hugs::flowers::hugs::flowers::hugs :

[PITITA]

What wondeful replies you got Sallad. I just wanted to add, that it is very true, if you stayed together with your abusive husband, it would have been much much worse for your kids. My mum stayed with my dad and there is not a single day when I don't wish, she didn't. You are amazing and very brave for what you have accomplished. All my respect is yours for being a great mum to your kids but in the same time being able to look after your own happiness. I think that's a balance very few can achieve :) Be proud of yourself!

[sallad]

With tears in my eyes, I thank you all. Sallad

[PITITA]

I'm crying with you, not because I am sad, but because I'm happy for you :)
HUGS xxx