My anxiety is not me
11-04-17, 18:49
Hi all. First post, so please be gentle with me. This is going to be a long post, im afraid, as it feels like you might need context/I find it therapeutic just to throw everything out there. Thanks to anyone who bothers to read it all.
I've suffered from anxiety knowingly for about 5 years, but probably have always had it without realising. I first realised I had a peculiar relationship with anxiety in my third year of university, when I had a bit of a mini break down during my final year project. I won't go into too much detail, but I started having panic attacks that paralysed me and only managed to pull through with dedicated help from my parents via the phone and sorting out my routine (prior to this I was staying up late smoking weed daily - a three year habit by that point - eating terribly, and generally avoiding everyone but my stoner friends) by stopping substance abuse, keeping normal hours, getting some exercise and sorting out my diet. I also saw a GP at the time who was useless and just prescribed a few bits of Valium, which I refused as I knew I'd just end up taking them to get stoned. After a few months of near sanity, although still experiencing what I now know to be social anxiety, I had another minor breakdown about my health.
I eventually got through this, left university and got on with my life. Thinking back, the causes of my anxiety were probably mostly social and environmental. Spending time with the wrong people and living in the wrong circumstances. Moving to a new town, making new friends, and generally feeling better about myself meant the anxiety melted away for a few years. Or at least I think it did. When I look back I think actually I spent a lot of time feeling empty and numbing myself with alcohol. Not anxiety, per sé, but still not a healthy mind.
More recently - 14 months ago to be exact - I started a casual relationship with an old friend of mine whom I'd known for 6 years (not one who encouraged all the bad habits from university). This not only came as a huge surprise, almost entirely out of the blue, but as an amazingly pleasant surprise too. This was someone who I'd always liked and, I think, had liked me too but we had never managed to do anything about it in a terribly complicated and painful fashion that I shan't go into here (otherwise this could become a short novel).
Thus began some of the best yet most anxiety inducing months of my life. We were explicitly casual - friends with benefits if you want to be crude - and although prior to this we had almost entirely lost touch with each other we quickly became firm friends again and had the most amazing time. I was besotted. But all was not well, because the casual nature of it sent me crazy with anxiety. Did she like me like as I liked her? Would bringing it up mean the end? It didn't help my anxiety that we lived in different yet close to each other cities and that she often worked 7 day weeks, limiting the time we could actually spend together to a day or two every few weeks. It also didn't help that we had slightly different communication needs - I'm one of those people who loves to chat and message people all the time, whereas she is the exact opposite. Especially when feeling stressed, which she often did as her PhD came closer and closer to the end. I 'dealt' with the anxiety by drinking heavily (often with friends, sometimes alone) and smoking endless cigarettes. Not ideal. I (mostly) kept my madness to myself though, as in such casual terms there's no obligation and you don't want to scare someone off.
Ironically, 5 months later when I realised I wasn't a high school teenager and actually came clean about my feelings towards her, she had been thinking and feeling - including in terms of anxiety - exactly the same things. We became an actual item, and whilst this was absolute brilliant on many levels, certain anxieties remained. We didn't see as much of each other as we had in the summer because her PhD started to get more and more strenuous. This made me anxious, I also have self esteem issues I think, and gradually I started to share these things with her. This was fine, she was understanding and supportive - and had problems of her own too.
More recently, however, I think I became a bit too much for her. The objective situation is she needs to focus on the last two months of her PhD, and that worrying about me was affecting that. We have decided to take a 'breather' and not see each other until the end, and perhaps communicate a bit less. This has obviously devastated me (and she's not exactly happy about it), but I think it's probably the most mature and sensible way to preserve the relationship for now.
There's loads of details I've left out, and I worry I've given a skewed perspective on the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for judgement, but rather I am asking how do you stop your anxiety interfering with your relationships? Obviously there's an element of support from both sides, and I am using this next two months to seek proper help from the NHS through IAPT, but I just worry that I'll always be too needy. Thoughts?
---------- Post added at 18:49 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
Oh just to add, it's not just the relationship that causes anxiety. It can be anything from work stress to financial pressure. I've just been especially wobbly recently. A taxi driver honked his horn at me when I was cycling the other day and I cried...
The point being my anxiety is broader than this, but ultimately affected largely by it.
I've suffered from anxiety knowingly for about 5 years, but probably have always had it without realising. I first realised I had a peculiar relationship with anxiety in my third year of university, when I had a bit of a mini break down during my final year project. I won't go into too much detail, but I started having panic attacks that paralysed me and only managed to pull through with dedicated help from my parents via the phone and sorting out my routine (prior to this I was staying up late smoking weed daily - a three year habit by that point - eating terribly, and generally avoiding everyone but my stoner friends) by stopping substance abuse, keeping normal hours, getting some exercise and sorting out my diet. I also saw a GP at the time who was useless and just prescribed a few bits of Valium, which I refused as I knew I'd just end up taking them to get stoned. After a few months of near sanity, although still experiencing what I now know to be social anxiety, I had another minor breakdown about my health.
I eventually got through this, left university and got on with my life. Thinking back, the causes of my anxiety were probably mostly social and environmental. Spending time with the wrong people and living in the wrong circumstances. Moving to a new town, making new friends, and generally feeling better about myself meant the anxiety melted away for a few years. Or at least I think it did. When I look back I think actually I spent a lot of time feeling empty and numbing myself with alcohol. Not anxiety, per sé, but still not a healthy mind.
More recently - 14 months ago to be exact - I started a casual relationship with an old friend of mine whom I'd known for 6 years (not one who encouraged all the bad habits from university). This not only came as a huge surprise, almost entirely out of the blue, but as an amazingly pleasant surprise too. This was someone who I'd always liked and, I think, had liked me too but we had never managed to do anything about it in a terribly complicated and painful fashion that I shan't go into here (otherwise this could become a short novel).
Thus began some of the best yet most anxiety inducing months of my life. We were explicitly casual - friends with benefits if you want to be crude - and although prior to this we had almost entirely lost touch with each other we quickly became firm friends again and had the most amazing time. I was besotted. But all was not well, because the casual nature of it sent me crazy with anxiety. Did she like me like as I liked her? Would bringing it up mean the end? It didn't help my anxiety that we lived in different yet close to each other cities and that she often worked 7 day weeks, limiting the time we could actually spend together to a day or two every few weeks. It also didn't help that we had slightly different communication needs - I'm one of those people who loves to chat and message people all the time, whereas she is the exact opposite. Especially when feeling stressed, which she often did as her PhD came closer and closer to the end. I 'dealt' with the anxiety by drinking heavily (often with friends, sometimes alone) and smoking endless cigarettes. Not ideal. I (mostly) kept my madness to myself though, as in such casual terms there's no obligation and you don't want to scare someone off.
Ironically, 5 months later when I realised I wasn't a high school teenager and actually came clean about my feelings towards her, she had been thinking and feeling - including in terms of anxiety - exactly the same things. We became an actual item, and whilst this was absolute brilliant on many levels, certain anxieties remained. We didn't see as much of each other as we had in the summer because her PhD started to get more and more strenuous. This made me anxious, I also have self esteem issues I think, and gradually I started to share these things with her. This was fine, she was understanding and supportive - and had problems of her own too.
More recently, however, I think I became a bit too much for her. The objective situation is she needs to focus on the last two months of her PhD, and that worrying about me was affecting that. We have decided to take a 'breather' and not see each other until the end, and perhaps communicate a bit less. This has obviously devastated me (and she's not exactly happy about it), but I think it's probably the most mature and sensible way to preserve the relationship for now.
There's loads of details I've left out, and I worry I've given a skewed perspective on the whole thing. I'm not necessarily looking for judgement, but rather I am asking how do you stop your anxiety interfering with your relationships? Obviously there's an element of support from both sides, and I am using this next two months to seek proper help from the NHS through IAPT, but I just worry that I'll always be too needy. Thoughts?
---------- Post added at 18:49 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------
Oh just to add, it's not just the relationship that causes anxiety. It can be anything from work stress to financial pressure. I've just been especially wobbly recently. A taxi driver honked his horn at me when I was cycling the other day and I cried...
The point being my anxiety is broader than this, but ultimately affected largely by it.