Bill
12-04-17, 03:43
I typed this as a reply in the OCD section but I thought I'd copy it here too as it became much longer than I intended.
I truly believe that no matter what type of anxiety someone is suffering from, it is possible to achieve a life where anxiety doesn't dominate.
In my experience I can remember two really poor therapists who treated me as if there was nothing wrong with me. Some of the advice they gave you just wouldn't believe. Since then though I've come into contact with other therapists who really knew their jobs and they have restored my faith.
My problems started in my childhood. I can remember two incidents in particular. I was walking with my mother and I can remember asking her why do people get ill. She said it can be because of dirt. That stayed with me so I became fixated about keeping clean. I must have been little because I can remember using the toilet and afraid to sit on the seat. My mother was present and she didn't realise what I was afraid of. She thought I was afraid of falling in the toilet. After that I can then remember being at school and urgently needing to sit on the loo but I was too afraid of germs and since it was nearly home time I decided to hold on until my mother picked me up and got me home. I didn't make it home in time though and I can still remember my mother asking me why didn't I go before I left school.
It's amazing how memories stay with you. I was too afraid to tell my parents about my fears. I always tried to hide them which was the wrong thing to do because when you bottle things, the problems only get worse.
When I went to secondary school I was bullied. I hated it there. So much so that my anxiety became got worse. I used to be sick in the mornings and took a mixture to try and calm my stomach, still hiding it from my parents. I didn't even tell them about the bullying. In the end I retaliated with the bullies and ended up in fights for which I got the cane or slipper.
Also in my teens, my OCD got out of control. I didn't know it had a title. All I knew was that I had to constantly check things such as locks, taps etc. I hated being the last person out the house because I got into such a state that even when I got out, I couldn't stop asking myself if I'd checked everything. I was afraid of getting blamed if anything went wrong, even though my parents would never turn on me. I used to be shaking, sweating, my heat beat would be through the roof. I hated it. I always tried to race to make sure I wasn't the last one out.
I didn't know I had a problem. I just thought it was a part of who I was. When I started work, the OCD just got even worse. I used to wash my hands constantly until they were white and the fakes of skin fell off. I remember my parents noticing but not really saying anything other than making comments about how I'd cope if I was on my own. My checking was just as bad but also health anxiety surfaced. I couldn't watch programmes about health related issues because they just made me vomit. My parents would just say I shouldn't eat dinner while watching tv.
I used to hate using the toilets at work too so the night before I'd eat lots of fruit thinking it would clear me out before I got to work. It didn't work. It just made me go before I left home and when I got to work so I was told off for always being late to my desk because of being in the loo.
I had this "thing" about numbers and words. I had to check things a certain number of times until I reached a safe number. The trouble was if I had a bad intrusive thought on that safe number, I'd have to carry on until I reached my next safe number.
I couldn't close newspapers or books without looking at a safe word last. Otherwise I'd have to keep going back to the same page but again if a bad intrusive thought started or I opened and closed the paper on an unsafe number, I'd have to keep going. It was horrendous.
The colour black was a major problem. Anything black I saw or touched would result in repeating rituals such as not crossing the road behind black cars or washing my hands after touching anything black. Think how many things are black and you'll get an idea how much time I wasted.
At work I can remember writing numbers for my boss. I made a mistake so I wanted to write the whole list again. I didn't know he was watching. Oh boy, there was hell to pay as he was in a hurry for the figures. Mind you, I hated working there so the stress really didn't help. I used to have to clock in but because of my safe numbers I had to wait until the clock read a safe time. I was always late, specially as it meant using the loo to. Amazing to think I kept my jobs.
I also remember destroying books etc. because I feared they were contaminated. Such a waste, especially as I really liked those books.
Even washing was a problem because I would count how many times I'd rinse with water etc. Numbers, words, intrusive thoughts - they all contributed to bully me to stop me enjoying life.
I know how horrible it feels to do something but something inside you compels you to have to go back to do it again...and again...and again...and the more times you go back, the worse you feel until you feel a complete wreck.
I think I've always been sensitive, insecure, a born worrier, intense, a perfectionist and definitely suffering a lack of confidence. I'm quite sure my personality made me prone to my issues.
When I first started work I wouldn't engage in conversation. I was so anxious, I was even too afraid to talk to girls. At school I never had any girlfriends. They never even looked at me twice. I was incredibly shy. To talk to a girl was like taking an exam. I'd feel sick and was often sick with fear.
I think it took me years to come out of my shell. Eventually as I built my confidence I held meetings and I was able to train others, and yes, even managed to talk to girls. I would have to say that I feel my biggest achievement was being interviewed on radio, more than once because of some research I did. I'm only saying this because compared to how I used to be, I would never have dreamt that possible.
I have to admit though when stress at home and at work became too great, I went through what I call my really bad spell when I couldn't see any future. I used to think that only young people self harmed. I couldn't understand why they did though because they seemed the most lovely people you could wish to meet. It was only when I started doing it myself that I understood the mental pain they must suffer too. I think it is so easily misunderstood. It's not always a cry for help. I think in most cases it's to relieve mental pain. I know there's a biological reason for it but I know it helped me. I used to use whatever I could find to take away my torment. Like so many people, I hid it. If it was a cry for help, why hide the cuts. I felt it was my only option. It didn't stop there though because then I started taking od's. I just lost hope of any future. I was surrounded by mental pain because of the pressures at home and at work. At work I just kept getting suicidal thoughts. My mind wasn't concentrating on my job and my boss noticed. Eventually I had to let it all out to her in a meeting room. When I told her everything, she just started crying. I'll never forget that. She had no idea what I was going through.
I thought by taking sick leave I'd ease the pressures and it would help me recover but without realising it I'd trapped myself in 24hr pressure at home living with someone with severe mental illness. I don't feel I can say too much other than I had to lock myself in the bathroom or walk the streets in the middle of the night. The pressure was constant and I had no one to turn to. Life just wasn't worth living. I was so tired, so stressed. It was a nightmare.
This is when I was prescribed countless meds that never worked. I was given ECT when they should have realised the real causes and that it wasn't depression. It was only when I saw a psychologist that I was told that I was simply taking on too much. He said I had a choice, so I gave up my job but it wasn't really the answer. I just nosedived.
My general anxiety was with me every minute of every day. From feeling sick in the morning to feeling sick at night. I felt so alone. I used to pray to the heavens to send me an angel, to make all my pain go away but none ever arrived.
I think though that everything I've been through has given me the understanding of how anxiety works and how it affects others. I can remember watching tv and seeing a news article about a mother jumping off a bridge with her two disabled children. They said they did all they could to help them but it made me feel, it obviously wasn't enough. It also made me realise though that rather than self-destructing, I should be doing more to try to help others like that poor mother. I feel too many people are being neglected and with cutbacks even more so. Lives are worth more than just money.
After seeing this on the news, I decided I really had to help myself get better so I made a plan to find ways to ease my stresses and to start combating my OCD and other anxiety issues. It took time but compared to then, I don't suffer anywhere near like I did. Nowadays I don't think anyone would even be aware of my past or the minor anxieties that still try to bully me. I've learnt what I must do to find enjoyment in life.
I must confess I always carry with me an emptiness. It never seems to leave me. I've lost my parents, I lost my only sister and I hardly ever hear from other family members. I have friends but they don't know my history. I think though that this emptiness is something I will always have to live with. I think I'll always feel alone.
However, to finish on a happier note, I do honestly believe it is possible to find enjoyment in life. You just need the knowledge, the right tools and the right attitude with a bit of courage, and you can be free of anxiety.
You've read what I've been through and I'm absolutely no different from everyone else on this forum so if I can help myself, I know deep down a lot of you can learn how to help yourselves too. I also know there are others on here who are now leading happier lives because of all the work Nic has done in creating this forum to connect and help so many people.
If you think I could help you in some way, please don't be afraid to send me a pm. I don't bite and I really would love to help.
I truly believe that no matter what type of anxiety someone is suffering from, it is possible to achieve a life where anxiety doesn't dominate.
In my experience I can remember two really poor therapists who treated me as if there was nothing wrong with me. Some of the advice they gave you just wouldn't believe. Since then though I've come into contact with other therapists who really knew their jobs and they have restored my faith.
My problems started in my childhood. I can remember two incidents in particular. I was walking with my mother and I can remember asking her why do people get ill. She said it can be because of dirt. That stayed with me so I became fixated about keeping clean. I must have been little because I can remember using the toilet and afraid to sit on the seat. My mother was present and she didn't realise what I was afraid of. She thought I was afraid of falling in the toilet. After that I can then remember being at school and urgently needing to sit on the loo but I was too afraid of germs and since it was nearly home time I decided to hold on until my mother picked me up and got me home. I didn't make it home in time though and I can still remember my mother asking me why didn't I go before I left school.
It's amazing how memories stay with you. I was too afraid to tell my parents about my fears. I always tried to hide them which was the wrong thing to do because when you bottle things, the problems only get worse.
When I went to secondary school I was bullied. I hated it there. So much so that my anxiety became got worse. I used to be sick in the mornings and took a mixture to try and calm my stomach, still hiding it from my parents. I didn't even tell them about the bullying. In the end I retaliated with the bullies and ended up in fights for which I got the cane or slipper.
Also in my teens, my OCD got out of control. I didn't know it had a title. All I knew was that I had to constantly check things such as locks, taps etc. I hated being the last person out the house because I got into such a state that even when I got out, I couldn't stop asking myself if I'd checked everything. I was afraid of getting blamed if anything went wrong, even though my parents would never turn on me. I used to be shaking, sweating, my heat beat would be through the roof. I hated it. I always tried to race to make sure I wasn't the last one out.
I didn't know I had a problem. I just thought it was a part of who I was. When I started work, the OCD just got even worse. I used to wash my hands constantly until they were white and the fakes of skin fell off. I remember my parents noticing but not really saying anything other than making comments about how I'd cope if I was on my own. My checking was just as bad but also health anxiety surfaced. I couldn't watch programmes about health related issues because they just made me vomit. My parents would just say I shouldn't eat dinner while watching tv.
I used to hate using the toilets at work too so the night before I'd eat lots of fruit thinking it would clear me out before I got to work. It didn't work. It just made me go before I left home and when I got to work so I was told off for always being late to my desk because of being in the loo.
I had this "thing" about numbers and words. I had to check things a certain number of times until I reached a safe number. The trouble was if I had a bad intrusive thought on that safe number, I'd have to carry on until I reached my next safe number.
I couldn't close newspapers or books without looking at a safe word last. Otherwise I'd have to keep going back to the same page but again if a bad intrusive thought started or I opened and closed the paper on an unsafe number, I'd have to keep going. It was horrendous.
The colour black was a major problem. Anything black I saw or touched would result in repeating rituals such as not crossing the road behind black cars or washing my hands after touching anything black. Think how many things are black and you'll get an idea how much time I wasted.
At work I can remember writing numbers for my boss. I made a mistake so I wanted to write the whole list again. I didn't know he was watching. Oh boy, there was hell to pay as he was in a hurry for the figures. Mind you, I hated working there so the stress really didn't help. I used to have to clock in but because of my safe numbers I had to wait until the clock read a safe time. I was always late, specially as it meant using the loo to. Amazing to think I kept my jobs.
I also remember destroying books etc. because I feared they were contaminated. Such a waste, especially as I really liked those books.
Even washing was a problem because I would count how many times I'd rinse with water etc. Numbers, words, intrusive thoughts - they all contributed to bully me to stop me enjoying life.
I know how horrible it feels to do something but something inside you compels you to have to go back to do it again...and again...and again...and the more times you go back, the worse you feel until you feel a complete wreck.
I think I've always been sensitive, insecure, a born worrier, intense, a perfectionist and definitely suffering a lack of confidence. I'm quite sure my personality made me prone to my issues.
When I first started work I wouldn't engage in conversation. I was so anxious, I was even too afraid to talk to girls. At school I never had any girlfriends. They never even looked at me twice. I was incredibly shy. To talk to a girl was like taking an exam. I'd feel sick and was often sick with fear.
I think it took me years to come out of my shell. Eventually as I built my confidence I held meetings and I was able to train others, and yes, even managed to talk to girls. I would have to say that I feel my biggest achievement was being interviewed on radio, more than once because of some research I did. I'm only saying this because compared to how I used to be, I would never have dreamt that possible.
I have to admit though when stress at home and at work became too great, I went through what I call my really bad spell when I couldn't see any future. I used to think that only young people self harmed. I couldn't understand why they did though because they seemed the most lovely people you could wish to meet. It was only when I started doing it myself that I understood the mental pain they must suffer too. I think it is so easily misunderstood. It's not always a cry for help. I think in most cases it's to relieve mental pain. I know there's a biological reason for it but I know it helped me. I used to use whatever I could find to take away my torment. Like so many people, I hid it. If it was a cry for help, why hide the cuts. I felt it was my only option. It didn't stop there though because then I started taking od's. I just lost hope of any future. I was surrounded by mental pain because of the pressures at home and at work. At work I just kept getting suicidal thoughts. My mind wasn't concentrating on my job and my boss noticed. Eventually I had to let it all out to her in a meeting room. When I told her everything, she just started crying. I'll never forget that. She had no idea what I was going through.
I thought by taking sick leave I'd ease the pressures and it would help me recover but without realising it I'd trapped myself in 24hr pressure at home living with someone with severe mental illness. I don't feel I can say too much other than I had to lock myself in the bathroom or walk the streets in the middle of the night. The pressure was constant and I had no one to turn to. Life just wasn't worth living. I was so tired, so stressed. It was a nightmare.
This is when I was prescribed countless meds that never worked. I was given ECT when they should have realised the real causes and that it wasn't depression. It was only when I saw a psychologist that I was told that I was simply taking on too much. He said I had a choice, so I gave up my job but it wasn't really the answer. I just nosedived.
My general anxiety was with me every minute of every day. From feeling sick in the morning to feeling sick at night. I felt so alone. I used to pray to the heavens to send me an angel, to make all my pain go away but none ever arrived.
I think though that everything I've been through has given me the understanding of how anxiety works and how it affects others. I can remember watching tv and seeing a news article about a mother jumping off a bridge with her two disabled children. They said they did all they could to help them but it made me feel, it obviously wasn't enough. It also made me realise though that rather than self-destructing, I should be doing more to try to help others like that poor mother. I feel too many people are being neglected and with cutbacks even more so. Lives are worth more than just money.
After seeing this on the news, I decided I really had to help myself get better so I made a plan to find ways to ease my stresses and to start combating my OCD and other anxiety issues. It took time but compared to then, I don't suffer anywhere near like I did. Nowadays I don't think anyone would even be aware of my past or the minor anxieties that still try to bully me. I've learnt what I must do to find enjoyment in life.
I must confess I always carry with me an emptiness. It never seems to leave me. I've lost my parents, I lost my only sister and I hardly ever hear from other family members. I have friends but they don't know my history. I think though that this emptiness is something I will always have to live with. I think I'll always feel alone.
However, to finish on a happier note, I do honestly believe it is possible to find enjoyment in life. You just need the knowledge, the right tools and the right attitude with a bit of courage, and you can be free of anxiety.
You've read what I've been through and I'm absolutely no different from everyone else on this forum so if I can help myself, I know deep down a lot of you can learn how to help yourselves too. I also know there are others on here who are now leading happier lives because of all the work Nic has done in creating this forum to connect and help so many people.
If you think I could help you in some way, please don't be afraid to send me a pm. I don't bite and I really would love to help.