GAD and Health Anxiety impacting my marriage

[desertraven]

Hi there,

Has anyone else had issues in their marriage due to their anxiety? My husband has been for the most part supportive and I am sure my constant anxiety and health fears are annoying. I just started seeing a counselor and started prozac. I told him it will take a while for things to settle and to just hang with me through this. One minute I feel like he is super supportive and kind and then the next I feel like he has completely had enough of me. If I try to talk about my fears now he gets short with me and says "you're fine." "stop looking things up, nothing is wrong with you!". I tried to explain that this approach is not really effective and just makes me feel crazy and alone in this battle. He is not an anxious person so I don't expect him to fully understand I just need someone to lean on. I don't have siblings and I don't want to burden my parents all the time with this so I feel like my husband is all I have. Every single day for the past month and a half has been rough and a struggle. I am scared to be alone when I never was before, afraid to travel to far, scared something is wrong with me despite multiple tests coming back normal. I am trying to get better with everything in me but I worry that my marriage is now on the rocks and this makes me even more anxious! :unsure:

[cprelude]

Hi desertraven...The good news is you've started seeing a counsellor. Actually, that's really great news, as it's a basis for making small, manageable changes. You can also use that counselling period as your special time to really talk things out, and unburden yourself a little. As I am not a counsellor, but a sufferer myself from anxiety, I only feel qualified to make a humble suggestion. You mentioned your concern that your anxiety may be effecting your marriage. In a way you're trying to tackle two "dragons" at the same time, the anxiety, AND its impact on your marriage, and not even a knight in shining armour can slay two dragons at the same time! Go easy on yourself, and maybe just try working day to day through your anxiety issues. So, in essence, try tackling one thing at a time. And when I say, "tackle" it should and can't feel like a military campaign, which one day you will "win"...It's more about small changes, small victories, and maybe some big victories, and getting some trusted coping exercises on board.

Breathing exercises to de-stress are a fantastic start by the way. Just make sure you start with a simple one, like a nice slow breath in, and then one slow breath out, aiming to breathe through your admonen, and doing that four times. Such exercises literally never fail me in any situation, I can vouch for that.

And more good news, you can even do that exercise standing up in a crowd! No one even notices you're doing it!

Best wishes,
Cprelude

[Bill]

I've read some of your other posts and it really saddens me what you've been through for so long. I've copied the following that you've typed because to me, it explains everything.

Can my anxiety really cause shortness of breath for weeks??? WEEKS!? It comes in waves and I also have no appetite. I feel like a wreck.......
..........have normal vitals signs and the Dr saying "you are feeling the effects of extreme stress". I work, go to nursing school full time, have a family, weekend clinical rotations so yes I am stretched thin.

In short the answer to your question is undoubtedly yes and like the doctor says, it's because you're under extreme stress which no doubt you've also been experiencing for at least weeks...because as you say, you're stretched thin because of your commitments, and I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if this is the root cause of all your health worries including your loss of appetite.

When we see a doctor presenting them with symptoms, they have to investigate. For instance, you say about shortness of breath. In my mind the most likely cause is panic due to stress but as one doctor you saw says, it "could" be mild asthma, and the reason being the symptoms are the same. However, I do often feel that doctors look for a physical explanation when they can't identify the cause rather than explore the mental issues. The proof in that is the different opinions between the two doctors - one saying extreme stress and the other saying asthma.

The other problem though is that every time we present symptoms which doctors have to do tests on, we fuel our anxiety. For instance, we start thinking what if they're wrong, what if it's something serious, what if they can't find the cause etc. I should think in the US, as I've heard, you could end up paying a fortune because of anxious symptoms created by stress.

To explain more on what I feel has happened - you said in one post that you've suffered from health anxiety for over 10 years. Firstly, I'd say think back. When did it start and what was going on in your life then. I don't know but perhaps you were at school or something happened that caused you extreme stress just as it is now.

This stress would cause you to panic. You would experience panic symptoms such as shortness of breath. You would then worry why you can't breathe, what's wrong with you. You would focus on these feelings. Perhaps also your heart started racing or you lost your appetite then as well. I would bet there were a lot of symptoms created by your panic due to stress that made you focus on your health.

Since then, you will have been living in a state of anxiety looking for any new symptom or ailment that arose that made you worry. The more you focused on the worry, the worse the symptoms felt which would have meant countless visits to the doctor to find out what was wrong because your anxiety would always make you fear the worst.

This is how anxiety works. Something happens in our lives that creates extreme stress. This stress causes panic. Panic creates symptoms such as palpitations, breathing etc. The symptoms create worry and more stress which then makes us worry about any health related issue that surfaces. We end up seeing doctors for tests to seek reassurance to make the fear go away but it never lasts. We end up going back over and over again because our anxious state continually finds new ailments to worry about.

It's a bit like a dog phobia. If someone has a fear of dogs, they will want someone to take it on the lead so we can feel reassured but that means every time we see another dog, the anxiety keeps coming back. We need to stand there, experience the fear and allow the anxiety to subside naturally.

Of course we should see doctors about anything we're worried about that doesn't get better or gets worse over time because they're the only ones who will know but once we do, we should trust what they say then forget about the worry if they say you're fine because you'll know then it's just anxiety.

Going back to your present day problem though. I feel the first thing you ought to think about is finding ways to lighten your load. This will lessen the stress and in turn it'll ease your the strength of your anxiety which will mean you'll worry less about every health related matter that surfaces. You also need to do things you enjoy, find an enjoyable interest, a hobby etc Something that you can look forward to that will help you to forget all your stresses and worries so you have chill out time. Go for a meal out, to the cinema...anything. Just find a break from the continuous anxiety because at the moment that's all your mind is thinking about which will make you feel even worse because you're constantly adding fuel to it by dwelling on it constantly.

The next thing I would do is read up on all the symptoms of panic...nothing else. If something surfaces which is listed, try to ignore it as you know what it is. If it is due to panic and you ignore it, it'll go away on it's own.

Finally, I know you're attempting to seek reassurance from your husband but try to use self-reassurance unless the health matter doesn't improve in which case see a doctor. Try to remind yourself, you are under extreme stress and this will be creating your shortness of breath, loss of appetite etc...and then try to stop focusing on these symptoms. If you do, they'll right themselves because at the moment you're just fuelling your anxiety by focusing on them all the time because of the extreme stress you're experiencing. If I'm right, it does all make sense to me what you're going through but you need not always suffer like this. You can get better.

[beatroon]

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. You have had some excellent responses already but I wanted to add some thoughts and experience, which is that I have absolutely been where you are in terms of anxiety affecting my marriage. It can be very easy to just lean on the closest person to you and, when anxious, of course we will do anything to stop the horrible feelings.

I think what's great is that you are starting on some medication and therapy for your anxiety, so things should shortly improve. It's good that you have said to your husband that he just has to hang in there a bit longer until things get better.

Do remember that when we're anxious we tend to catastrophise (e.g. OMG my marriage is on the rocks) and misread people's reactions as far worse than they are. Your husband is probably just a bit sad about seeing you down and upset, but will perk up when you start to feel better. I'm sure things aren't as dire as they appear!

Good luck and keep us posted x

[Bill]

Just something I was thinking about today which I didn't include to be aware of and that's about meds. If you're confronted by a lion, you'll feel panic but if you take meds they can help you to lift your mood so you're able to smile at the lion while he continues to stare at you. In other words, meds can ease the stress you're under but they can't take your stresses away unless you make changes to your circumstances.

However, although meds can help and don't cause any problems, they can also complicate things because of the side effects. These side effects can then make your health anxiety worse because they can cause new symptoms to worry about.

Meds do often help without any side effects and I know often they really are needed but it's just something to be aware of when taking them.

[desertraven]

Bill, thank you. You have pointed out a lot that I need to think about in regards to my current anxiety. As most people who suffer from anxiety know, you can know logically that you are okay, but that other side of you thinks the worst will happen. It's a struggle and for me it has just reared its ugly head these past few months. I will say this is the worst I have felt in all the years I had anxiety. You are right, I am under a lot of stress and I have reached my limit mentally. Even a year ago I had occasional anxiety but it was fleeting and I could go on with my day. These past few months have really concerned me as it felt more like a black hole of anxiety that I could not dig my way out of on my own. Perhaps this is the difference this time.... I need help. Today was actually a good day. I woke up with some anxiety right off the bat, sweaty palms and all but I forced myself to eat a meal, took my prozac and 1/2 a xanax and pushed on. Anxiety left and I was able to clean the house, ran errands, watched a movie with my son, and enjoyed a family dinner. I know this is a day to day struggle right now but I am just thankful for today's progress and hope that some brain rewiring is going on to get me out of this cycle.

You mentioned something about what was happening when I very first had anxiety. Well the health anxiety is more over the past 10 years, off and on but anxiety itself first presented itself when I was in high school. We moved away from my home town to another town and I was new in high school which was hard. My mom was very unhappy that we moved and my dad became depressed. Then my dad was in a major car accident on his long commute to work and though he was okay his car was totaled and crushed like a can. I was terrified after that of bad things happening to my family or myself. It's interesting looking back at how those events may have just flipped switch for me.

Again, I appreciate your insight and I will keep pushing one day at a time. I know I can get better and will just focus on funneling my anxiety in a positive way as my counselor mentioned.

---------- Post added at 21:09 ---------- Previous post was at 21:06 ----------

Beatroon,

Thank you as well and you are right, we tend to lean completely on one person and I realize this is a lot to put on a person. I am already stressed and anxious so any reaction I perceive as negative is of course blown out of proportion in my mind. I think with continued counseling and medication I can learn to work through some things myself without dumping it all on my husband.

[Bill]

Thank you for elaborating more on your past. That would have been a very traumatic event so it would certainly be a trigger for your anxiety to surface. Anxiety is normally triggered by stress but the stress can be caused in various ways such a specific event or a gradual build up without us realising it so what you've said makes perfect sense to me. I'm glad your dad was ok. It sounds he was very lucky.

As for the present, to put things simply, I think you need to look at the stress you're under and see if you can find ways to ease it or if you're unable to, try to make free time for yourself to unwind. I do think it's very important you think of you because I fear you could burn yourself out by trying to push yourself beyond your limits. There's only so much anyone can load on themselves before they snap. See if those around you can help share your load to allow you time to do what you enjoy for fun and relaxation.

As for most people, I do think managing your stress is key because it acts as fuel for your anxiety. When we're in an anxious state, everything feels more real but when we feel calmer, the fears don't have the same intensity.

You Will get there as you did before. Just try to create some "me" time.

[poppadr3w]

As someone who knows others who suffer from such an anxiety, and as someone who has personally dealt with such anxiety for some time, you have to understand that the constant negative emotions, worries and energy are taxing not only on you, but them as well.

In my mind, he's probably supportive but just frustrated. We all want to see our loved ones be well and not worry. But when it's a constant battle of "What if?" and "Oh my God, I think I have [insert ailment/disease here]", well... It gets to you. It's kind of like the proverbial child in the backseat of a car ride who keeps asking, "Are we there yet?" when you only just left recently.

If I were you, I'd sit him down and thank him for his patience. Maybe show him some literature on Prozac and show how long it takes to get into your system and start to work. Maybe he can go with you to some therapy sessions and you can ask him to talk to your therapist as well and give some outside input.

But actions also speak louder than words. Maybe make him a special dinner or buy him some tickets to go to a show for him and his friends or something as a special thank you for his patience. It'll soften the stress you may convey with the "What ifs".

And you'll be fine before you know it. Let the medicine work and GIVE IT TIME TO WORK. Many people want immediate results. That'd be amazing, but Prozac and many other similar medications may take many weeks to feel the full effect.