Can bereavement cause anxiety and depression leading to intrustive thoughts?

[KellyElizabeth92]

Hi all :)

I'm sure a few of you have seen my post in the O.C.D part of the forum but this is linked more to grief now ....

My Grandma, who was like a mother to me and lived with me, passed away in December 16. I was and still am heartbroken - I just can't get over the fact she's gone.

Since she passed, my anxiety has become 10x worse; I've started to experience intrustive thoughts. First, it was just about death in general and then it went onto suicide (despite the fact I am not and never have been suicidal) and now it's going into "why do we exsist" "whats the point of life"?

I'm desperately searching for answers as to why i'm having these thoughts - I know I don't want to die, even for the simple fact that the thought sets off my panic and anxiety. I'm hoping it's all linked into witnessing my Grandmother decline and finally subside before my eyes in my home.

Has anyone experienced anything similar to this? I'm on a waiting list for CBT and i'm currently taking 15g Mitazipane (I don't think that's spelt right lol) and Propanalol.

Thanks in advance :)

[Lucinda07]

Ive not experienced anything similar, but grief can cause many negative & painful emotions. I'm not surprised that your bereavement has had a big impact on your anxiety & you are questioning the meaning of life etc.

[happydylbob]

Hello Kelly
My nan passed in January this year. She was 90 and had never been in hospital in her life, until 2 weeks before she passed away. During those 2 weeks I had to be the strong one and watched the strongest lady I have ever known rapidly decline before my eyes, until she was fighting for her last breath. My life has been turned upside down but I have also tried to "keep calm and carry on" with my job as a mum and a teacher but those 2 weeks still haunt me.

I think going through something like that takes longer than we expect to get back to "normal" and I know I feel there is an expectation I should be over it by now (which is probably me putting pressure on myself rather than others around me) therefore I avoid talking about how I am feeling.

Sometimes I just feel sad !
I'm sorry I haven't been much help, but know you are not alone
(Hugs)

[KellyElizabeth92]

Ive not experienced anything similar, but grief can cause many negative & painful emotions. I'm not surprised that your bereavement has had a big impact on your anxiety & you are questioning the meaning of life etc.

Thanks for the reply :-)

I know and my anxiety was okay before all of this - I never really had panic attacks before and now they are frequent and caused by the intrusive thoughts I think. x

---------- Post added at 21:32 ---------- Previous post was at 21:30 ----------


Hello Kelly
My nan passed in January this year. She was 90 and had never been in hospital in her life, until 2 weeks before she passed away. During those 2 weeks I had to be the strong one and watched the strongest lady I have ever known rapidly decline before my eyes, until she was fighting for her last breath. My life has been turned upside down but I have also tried to "keep calm and carry on" with my job as a mum and a teacher but those 2 weeks still haunt me.

I think going through something like that takes longer than we expect to get back to "normal" and I know I feel there is an expectation I should be over it by now (which is probably me putting pressure on myself rather than others around me) therefore I avoid talking about how I am feeling.

Sometimes I just feel sad !
I'm sorry I haven't been much help, but know you are not alone
(Hugs)

Thanks for the reply :-)

I was the same! I had to be super strong for my Mam, as it was her mother. And now, the roles have reversed and Mam is having to hold me up. It's just so hard and I never think you fully get over it but time is a healer - I just wish I could stop these morbid thoughts!

I'm sorry for your loss :( and thank you for your kind words - as awful as it is, we can bring comfort to each other knowing we are going through similar situations x

[Bill]

Have you seen a bereavement counsellor? If not, your doctor might know of one as they often work at hospitals.

Bereavement is one of the biggest stresses in our lives. You've had a double dose so it's no wonder your mind is having trouble processing your losses.

I supported my mother for a long period until I lost her. It was a very traumatic time with a lot of emotional pressure. The stress you're experiencing is triggering anxious thoughts which are causing you to panic. They are all just your deepest worst irrational fears being created by the stress. This is why I feel if you could open up to a counsellor, it may help your mind to come to terms so you can move forward.

I know how distressed you must feel because I've been there myself but you Will come through this. Just try to be patient, take one day at a time, try not to dwell on these thoughts and most importantly, occupy your mind with enjoyable things you love doing. You need to stop your mind focusing on these thoughts and your anxiety will ease. These thoughts Are just fears because of the emotional stress you're suffering due to your losses. It's been very traumatic for you and that's why I feel you need to talk to someone who can help you sort these feelings.

My mother used to say, it's not the people we lose who suffer for their suffering is over, it's the people we leave behind we need to worry about because they will be the ones left behind who will be suffering due to the loss. As she said, life is for the living and I had to remind myself that she would have wanted me to enjoy life because I know she was worried if I would be ok when she was gone. She may now be gone but I know she would want me to be happy and that's what I would wish for you too.

[KellyElizabeth92]

Hi :-) thanks for your reply.

Your message was lovely, thank you! I have been trying to deal with it one day at a time and all was good until the anxiety has reared its ugly head tonight - i was watching Take Me Out on TV and one of the contestants recently passed due to suicide so obviously this triggered my panic and now the intrusive thoughts of suicide are back. I still cant understand why I have them thoughts - I don't t to die and I certainly do not want to harm myself. Ugh!!

[Pamplemousse]

Hi Kelly,

yes, it definitely can. I went through the whole gamut when my wife died suddenly in 2010, some fifteen months after my mother. I had panic attacks not long after, and then later the thoughts you mention crept in too. I stopped just short of an intervention via my bereavement counsellor because of my having suicidal thoughts and yes, it can get that bad.

I also had some very strange anxiety attacks, which led to several calls to NHS Direct; the depression got overwhelming and I ended up on Citalopram as well as lots of counselling via CRUSE as well as via the local Mental Health Teams - the Citalopram remains to this day.

What is happening to you is all 'normal', awful though it may seem. Odd triggers like the TV programme you mentioned - been there, done that. Only just recently, I was listening to the radio and they started to play Jim Reeves' I Love You Because; by the third note I was a complete wreck and didn't stop crying until the record finished. It was one of Mum's favourites, you see and it brought back memories of packing her ornaments away in the house after she died.

It does get better though, you'll be pleased to hear.

[Bill]

Don't dwell on triggers. Like pamplemousse says, triggers will surface all the time and they create very upsetting thoughts because they tap into emotional pain which we always carry with us after very sad events.

I lost my mother nearly 6 years ago and just like pamplemousse, when I hear her favourite song, all the memories flood back because I still miss her so much. Even with my father who I lost nearly 12 years ago, the same thing happens over and over again.

Triggers will constantly upset me and they will cause my anxiety to think what's the point etc. Anxiety will also tap into the worst case scenarios. Your greatest fears. That's why the intrusive thoughts surface about the things which make you think "Ugh" because they'll be the worst thoughts your anxiety can think of.

What is most important to remember though is that these triggers like a song or something on tv will only last a few mins but the shock of hearing/seeing them makes us dwell on them so the after-effects in anxiety terms can carry on affecting us all day, all week, or much longer...if we let it. Therefore, when these triggers surface, it's ok to think about the feelings they create but then stop, especially if they start causing fear and make you feel depressed otherwise anxiety will take over and drag you down in a spiral of depression.

It is really important that after these things happen and they've brought thoughts and feelings to the surface, after you've allowed yourself to think about them, ensure you turn your attention to happy memories or enjoyable things in the present before anxiety or depression takes hold. Never dwell for too long or anxiety etc will love the attention you're giving it.

Sometimes as I have found, after you lose someone dear it can leave a terrible black void if left unfilled so try to make sure you make new friends and introduce enjoyable things you enjoy doing to help fill that void because then when the triggers turn up, they're less likely to be able to tap in to drag you down because you're in a happier place.

Anxiety is fuelled by anxiety triggers just as much as much as depression is fuelled by depression triggers so if we're already in an anxious or depressed state, triggers will immediately tap in to them and we will feel their effect even more compared to if we feel in a content place in the present.

Wipe the slate clean after these triggers and treat the next day afresh because triggers are only events that trigger bad memories but you need to keep living your life by finding enjoyment just as those you loved did who we have lost. They would want us to be happy because if they knew we were sad, they would be sad too.

Sadly, no matter what thoughts we think, we can never bring them back but just as they would wish too, we need to find things to live for that will make us happy. They will always be with us.

One thing I have found and I'll leave you to your own conclusions as to what you might think but I have lost count of the number of times I've thought of my parents at sad times, I then turn on the radio and their favourite song or music is played. It started happening the day of their funerals so whenever I hear their music, I now say to myself, they're sending a message to let me know they're thinking of me and they want me to be happy...but like I say, true or not, it works for me to think it so whatever works for you, just do it because I know for certain they would definitely want you to find a way to be happy living your life.