Is this familiar to anybody?

[Speranza]

Hi,
I'm dating a man (52) who seems incredibly nervous whenever we meet - to the point of making silly remarks and attempts at humour which seriously have me doubting he wants to be there at all. (eg "Well I guess this means we're incompatible!" - apparently meant as a joke but you have to wonder about verbal leakage!)

I'm an overthinker so I realise that's not going to help... Once we get talking, we are fine and I have realised that he has quite high levels of anxiety (for example he can rehearse the problems he has paying the window cleaner when he calls too early, several times...)

He is a lovely, caring man. I've no idea if he realises that he suffers from anxiety (I have in the past and I recognise it).

Two questions: One - is there anybody here who recognises the 'silly comments' behaviour stemming from anxiety in a new dating situation?
Two - would it be wise to address his anxiety given that he seems oblivious to it?

Thanks!

[Bee84]

Maybe he hasn't dated in a while. He may not feel used to spending time with a woman. I don't know. But he seems harmless. Do you like him?

[Speranza]

He is a lovely guy but the worry script has been getting to me - until I realised what was going on, and realised that may well be what is going on with him when he makes silly comments too. I haven't dated for many years... so I am not used to how it goes.

He has had a few long relationships so I've no reason to think he isn't any good at dating.

Maybe I affect him more than I realise? ;)

[Bee84]

He may just be that worrisome way to everybody. I think our truer selves can show more around someone we are romantically interested in.

Maybe he just gave you a reason to not think that he's no good at dating - I'm not suggesting that he made up his history. You seem a bit doubtful of him in some way. Is it off putting in a low confidence sort of way?

[Speranza]

It is sometimes hard to know where I am with him... but once we've been together half an hour or so, he calms down and conversation is more normal.
Tbh it seems like a bit of a red flag which is why I sound doubtful. I'm a great believer in instinct. But I'm also someone who has found reasons not to date in the past...

[Fishmanpa]

I agree in that his awkwardness is due to a lack of experience and exposure coupled with a bit of social anxiety.

If you like him and feel comfortable, just bring it up in conversation. It sounds like he has a lack of self esteem and is overcompensating. Speaking with him about it and getting "off the hook" so to speak may help make things more comfortable for the both of you.

Positive thoughts

[Bill]

Just a thought but my feeling is he likes you So much that it makes him anxious when he first sees you so wants to create a food impression but tries too hard. I think when we're really anxious we don't think straight so can come out with attempts of humour to try and hide how we're feeling. I feel if you weren't important to him, he wouldn't feel anxious but that's only my guess. One thing I am certain of though is that he's a lucky man in more ways than one.

[MyNameIsTerry]

To be honest, it could be any of the above...and more. So, there is really only one way to determine it.

It can be hard talking about things like this though and if that's the case, maybe he would open up if he knew you understood out of personal experience? Then he knows he won't be judged, which may be a worry for him?

But really, I think a lot of what you do here depends on what you know yourself. Only you can judge how you think he is going to react to being asked. Would he clam up & run or would he breathe a sigh of relief and you end up closer for it?

[Speranza]

We spoke today and decided we are better off as friends for various reasons.

Kind of sad in a way but we seem to be on the same page and we both felt relieved so I think it's a good decision. We are hoping to stay friends. Time will tell. I discovered not long after we began seeing each other that he was VERY recently out of a relationship and when I asked if he thought I might be a rebound he said no - but I think he has realised that I am... Timing is everything!