PASchoolSyndrome
19-04-17, 03:20
I don't know why but I've been feeling very down and sad about my father these past couple of days. I think it's just I'm finishing up school finally, I'm getting married, and quite honestly planning out my family with my future husband it just reminds me how the first man in my life won't physically be there to see it. I was alone this past Easter holiday due to school and I threw myself the largest personal pity party and I feel like I just want to type this out and maybe it'll help me through some of this.
In short, I lost my father to lung cancer 2 years ago. My mother and I just recently found out it was probable lung cancer a few weeks ago (probably started this whole mini-depressive episode). My father, while a great man, never took care of himself. He drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney, sometimes three packs a day (and usually in front of me and in the house). He was forced into retirement and every day he seemed to become more and more depressed. He stopped leaving the house. He stopped showering. His mother, my grandmother died of cancer, and he couldn't bring himself to go to her funeral. It was a mess. We kept telling him to go seek help but he wouldn't. Then he started to get very sick.
Being a chronic alcoholic, immediately we expected his liver. I went away for a month to study abroad, and when I came back and gave him a hug, I was struck with how much weight he had lost in that month - I could feel his scapula through his back. I was shocked. After weeks of trying to get him to go the doctor, he finally agreed and his PCP honed in on his liver. Started the process of the GI doc and possible liver transplant for his cirrhosis, confirmed no liver cancer yada yada. He continued to become weaker and weaker. Then one day he suffered as stroke. He went two weeks of hemiparalysis before we could convince him to go see a doctor. I remember driving to the hospital SO ANGRY with him for not taking care of himself and being so thick-headed. Now we had to pay for a nursing home because the paralysis was going to be permanent (stroke time limit is 4.5 hours). When the doctor got back after his cat scan we received the news: he had two massive brain tumors - one controlling his personality and one controlling his movements. I had my then boyfriend - the fiancé now- drive me home as I absolutely bawled in the passanger seat. What a difference from the drive in. After testing and biopsying them it was determined that no amount of treatment would help. He likely had a month. He died in our home 3 weeks later, at age 53.
In the doctor notes my mother requested last week were the results of his cat scan. He had multiple irregularities and nodules on his lung. The brain tumors were likely mets. Being a smoker for essentially his whole life he coughed a lot, we didn't think anything of it. His voice was always hoarse, didn't think anything of it. He was a mechanic, his back had been hurting since he was in his 30s. All the appointments before were all focused on his liver and missed everything else. All his symptoms could be chalked up to liver cirrhosis secondary to alcohol. The extreme weight loss should have been the first clue but neither my mother nor I were medically trained at the time. We chose not to autopsy because the result was the same.
Before we knew it was likely lung cancer spread to his brain, my anxiety reached an all time peak. He was so young. Brain cancer is so rare - was it genetic? Was I at risk? Thus started my general cancer anxiety - afraid that I will just slowly deteriorate until someone can figure out what's wrong with me when it's too late. Now that I know his was likely due to his lifestyle and lack of general health, I have changed my life for the better. I'm eating so healthy, drinking to a minimum (should be a zero but hey.. baby steps), running again. But it's still in the back of my mind. He was relatively so young.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sorry if it is in the wrong section and should be in the Depression section.. or a random thoughts section if there is one. I already feel so much better sort of typing it out. If you took the time to read it I thank you and I am sorry for wasting you time.
In short, I lost my father to lung cancer 2 years ago. My mother and I just recently found out it was probable lung cancer a few weeks ago (probably started this whole mini-depressive episode). My father, while a great man, never took care of himself. He drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney, sometimes three packs a day (and usually in front of me and in the house). He was forced into retirement and every day he seemed to become more and more depressed. He stopped leaving the house. He stopped showering. His mother, my grandmother died of cancer, and he couldn't bring himself to go to her funeral. It was a mess. We kept telling him to go seek help but he wouldn't. Then he started to get very sick.
Being a chronic alcoholic, immediately we expected his liver. I went away for a month to study abroad, and when I came back and gave him a hug, I was struck with how much weight he had lost in that month - I could feel his scapula through his back. I was shocked. After weeks of trying to get him to go the doctor, he finally agreed and his PCP honed in on his liver. Started the process of the GI doc and possible liver transplant for his cirrhosis, confirmed no liver cancer yada yada. He continued to become weaker and weaker. Then one day he suffered as stroke. He went two weeks of hemiparalysis before we could convince him to go see a doctor. I remember driving to the hospital SO ANGRY with him for not taking care of himself and being so thick-headed. Now we had to pay for a nursing home because the paralysis was going to be permanent (stroke time limit is 4.5 hours). When the doctor got back after his cat scan we received the news: he had two massive brain tumors - one controlling his personality and one controlling his movements. I had my then boyfriend - the fiancé now- drive me home as I absolutely bawled in the passanger seat. What a difference from the drive in. After testing and biopsying them it was determined that no amount of treatment would help. He likely had a month. He died in our home 3 weeks later, at age 53.
In the doctor notes my mother requested last week were the results of his cat scan. He had multiple irregularities and nodules on his lung. The brain tumors were likely mets. Being a smoker for essentially his whole life he coughed a lot, we didn't think anything of it. His voice was always hoarse, didn't think anything of it. He was a mechanic, his back had been hurting since he was in his 30s. All the appointments before were all focused on his liver and missed everything else. All his symptoms could be chalked up to liver cirrhosis secondary to alcohol. The extreme weight loss should have been the first clue but neither my mother nor I were medically trained at the time. We chose not to autopsy because the result was the same.
Before we knew it was likely lung cancer spread to his brain, my anxiety reached an all time peak. He was so young. Brain cancer is so rare - was it genetic? Was I at risk? Thus started my general cancer anxiety - afraid that I will just slowly deteriorate until someone can figure out what's wrong with me when it's too late. Now that I know his was likely due to his lifestyle and lack of general health, I have changed my life for the better. I'm eating so healthy, drinking to a minimum (should be a zero but hey.. baby steps), running again. But it's still in the back of my mind. He was relatively so young.
Sorry for such a long post. I'm sorry if it is in the wrong section and should be in the Depression section.. or a random thoughts section if there is one. I already feel so much better sort of typing it out. If you took the time to read it I thank you and I am sorry for wasting you time.