elik
22-04-17, 06:52
I'm so exhausted and frustrated. I always end up here, in a pit of despair and fear. I always have one huge problematic thought that shifts my clarity on reality and holds me back. I know as my therapist says, it's a choice, but I have no idea what my options are or how to go about anything. I'm so isolated in my mind and so scared of everything. I don't enjoy life, I survive it and fifteen years of depression has made it near enough impossible to know what the hell a clear mind is. I just try and do everything so 'correct'. For example I'm feeling incredibly closed off and unsocial at the moment but I still speak I still stick with my plans. People don't do the same and I have frustration and no outlet. I won't tell anyone I'm hurt or annoyed because god forbid I'm not chilled all the time. I don't want to cause anyone agg but I feel like such a second thought. I don't mind being pushed back but I hate being dropped with no apology I feel like I'm left feeling shoddy. Equally I feel so scared of engaging in more social situations because I see it as taking on more pressure from more people if I get closer to them. I want to be involved but I don't want people to become friends with me because I know how little I can open up and it's all fear and brave faces.