Isolated and scared

[elik]

I'm so exhausted and frustrated. I always end up here, in a pit of despair and fear. I always have one huge problematic thought that shifts my clarity on reality and holds me back. I know as my therapist says, it's a choice, but I have no idea what my options are or how to go about anything. I'm so isolated in my mind and so scared of everything. I don't enjoy life, I survive it and fifteen years of depression has made it near enough impossible to know what the hell a clear mind is. I just try and do everything so 'correct'. For example I'm feeling incredibly closed off and unsocial at the moment but I still speak I still stick with my plans. People don't do the same and I have frustration and no outlet. I won't tell anyone I'm hurt or annoyed because god forbid I'm not chilled all the time. I don't want to cause anyone agg but I feel like such a second thought. I don't mind being pushed back but I hate being dropped with no apology I feel like I'm left feeling shoddy. Equally I feel so scared of engaging in more social situations because I see it as taking on more pressure from more people if I get closer to them. I want to be involved but I don't want people to become friends with me because I know how little I can open up and it's all fear and brave faces.

[Bill]

Isolation feels like a twin to me.

When my mother was alive, I used to pick her up and take her for a drive or to the shops. She lived alone after losing my father so I thought of taking her out would be a break for her. Whenever she got in the car she never stopped talking until she got out the car. It never bothered me though because I knew she was alone in her flat all day so being able to talk to someone would do her good. I must admit I didn't always hear everything she said because I was busy driving but sometimes she would laugh and say to me "I'm talking too much, aren't I" I used to just no, you're fine, carry on, because I knew it did her good.

My point is, it doesn't matter how little someone feels they can open up because there are those like me who are always just happy to listen.:hugs: