maianixon
24-04-17, 19:51
This will be a long post but I feel like I need to write it for myself.
For the past 2 months i've had massive problems with HA. I know that is nothing compared to some other people on this forum. There's been ups and downs but every down would push me like 10 steps back and each time I had less will power to try to recover - or believe that I am fine.
This forum helped a bit at first with realizing that anxiety has a lot of physical symptoms that I was not aware of before but I feel like now I'm just using it as another way of obsessing over the symptoms and finding new ones. Also it makes me feel even more anxious to see how some people had a problem with this for decades. When mine started i thought it would be over in two weeks. Now I'm realising it's a longer process, but I think in itself reading about how other people have been suffering with it is becoming triggering for me rather than comforting - having a health anxiety itselfhas become my biggest fear now - right after a terminal illness one.
I watched a couple of sort of success videos just now - and I've decided to just stop obsessing, stop letting myself think about it, stop checking my symptoms, comparing whether my body is symmetrical and try to look at it from other people's perspective. I know it's very naive it will get better just like that but i've never been this decided before. I will stop pretending I use this forum as support rather than for finding new symptoms.
I have started therapy which I've been enjoying - but still I valued and felt like I needed regular visits of doctor more. I mean it's my birthday in 3 days and my main thought about it is "yay i have a doctors appointment on the same day so i can be reassured im not dying (again)!!!!" In the past 2 months I've seen more doctors than in the past 10 years, multiple of them specialists and they have all told me I AM PERFECTLY HEALTHY. Physically anyway. I've self-diagnosed myself with 4 different cancers and MS in the past 2 months - all proved to be wrong. I'm too tired I have to stop. I've been neglecting my boyfriend, university, my entire life and if I don't determinately deal with this it will ruin my life, more than the illnesses I'm afraid of. I mean I know people with some of these illnesses that I am so afraid of and they manage to still find happiness in life.
Right now, my ears are filled with pressure, my scalp tingling, my jaw is tingling, my whole lower body hurts from being bloated, theres some weird swelling around my groin (that I have been told is nothing and mainly I can see it), but I will try not to focus on it. I've been practicing mindfullness and the whole noticing the symptoms, accepting them and detaching yourself from them, but in the past month I've refused to even try to do that, I was wallowing in my fear and self pity. I will start practicing it again as well I will start meditating again (I stopped a couple of weeks ago because I was like whats the point).
I will stop using the symptoms as excuse to not do my university coursework, to not facetime my boyfriend, to not enjoy a movie and try to ignore the feeling of guilt I get when I try to relax (because my brain is screaming I'm only in denial). I will force myself to do things.
I know it's very likely I will feel absolutely terrible tomorrow again, but never before I have been this decided about it. I think since it's only started for me (tbf I feel like I had HA since I was little and that there were clear signs it was getting worse which I ignored until I had an actual health scare and it became unmanageable since then), but since it's only been this 'acute' for 2 months maybe the sooner I decide to tackle it on head on, the easier it will be rather than if i let myself just wallow in self pity for the near future.
This has been a very long post and I hope you are not thinking I'm being naive, i know how optimistic this sounds but it's time for me to start somewhere and I hope maybe its been encouraging for someone else who keeps almost 'enjoying' feeling hopeless (Which was often a case for me) to stop. It is very long so I'm not sure anyone will even read it to the end, but I feel like I had to write it down for myself to document I've made this decision and maybe then I will be more likely to stick with it.
For the past 2 months i've had massive problems with HA. I know that is nothing compared to some other people on this forum. There's been ups and downs but every down would push me like 10 steps back and each time I had less will power to try to recover - or believe that I am fine.
This forum helped a bit at first with realizing that anxiety has a lot of physical symptoms that I was not aware of before but I feel like now I'm just using it as another way of obsessing over the symptoms and finding new ones. Also it makes me feel even more anxious to see how some people had a problem with this for decades. When mine started i thought it would be over in two weeks. Now I'm realising it's a longer process, but I think in itself reading about how other people have been suffering with it is becoming triggering for me rather than comforting - having a health anxiety itselfhas become my biggest fear now - right after a terminal illness one.
I watched a couple of sort of success videos just now - and I've decided to just stop obsessing, stop letting myself think about it, stop checking my symptoms, comparing whether my body is symmetrical and try to look at it from other people's perspective. I know it's very naive it will get better just like that but i've never been this decided before. I will stop pretending I use this forum as support rather than for finding new symptoms.
I have started therapy which I've been enjoying - but still I valued and felt like I needed regular visits of doctor more. I mean it's my birthday in 3 days and my main thought about it is "yay i have a doctors appointment on the same day so i can be reassured im not dying (again)!!!!" In the past 2 months I've seen more doctors than in the past 10 years, multiple of them specialists and they have all told me I AM PERFECTLY HEALTHY. Physically anyway. I've self-diagnosed myself with 4 different cancers and MS in the past 2 months - all proved to be wrong. I'm too tired I have to stop. I've been neglecting my boyfriend, university, my entire life and if I don't determinately deal with this it will ruin my life, more than the illnesses I'm afraid of. I mean I know people with some of these illnesses that I am so afraid of and they manage to still find happiness in life.
Right now, my ears are filled with pressure, my scalp tingling, my jaw is tingling, my whole lower body hurts from being bloated, theres some weird swelling around my groin (that I have been told is nothing and mainly I can see it), but I will try not to focus on it. I've been practicing mindfullness and the whole noticing the symptoms, accepting them and detaching yourself from them, but in the past month I've refused to even try to do that, I was wallowing in my fear and self pity. I will start practicing it again as well I will start meditating again (I stopped a couple of weeks ago because I was like whats the point).
I will stop using the symptoms as excuse to not do my university coursework, to not facetime my boyfriend, to not enjoy a movie and try to ignore the feeling of guilt I get when I try to relax (because my brain is screaming I'm only in denial). I will force myself to do things.
I know it's very likely I will feel absolutely terrible tomorrow again, but never before I have been this decided about it. I think since it's only started for me (tbf I feel like I had HA since I was little and that there were clear signs it was getting worse which I ignored until I had an actual health scare and it became unmanageable since then), but since it's only been this 'acute' for 2 months maybe the sooner I decide to tackle it on head on, the easier it will be rather than if i let myself just wallow in self pity for the near future.
This has been a very long post and I hope you are not thinking I'm being naive, i know how optimistic this sounds but it's time for me to start somewhere and I hope maybe its been encouraging for someone else who keeps almost 'enjoying' feeling hopeless (Which was often a case for me) to stop. It is very long so I'm not sure anyone will even read it to the end, but I feel like I had to write it down for myself to document I've made this decision and maybe then I will be more likely to stick with it.