Ocds_
24-04-17, 19:55
I've been having a bunch of panic attacks recently because I've been thinking over the past few years of my life and out of nowhere I'll just start crying, or finding it hard to breathe. But, going with the title I do feel like a horrible person and don't know how to get out this giant predicament that is causing me so much anxiety and panic.
I was dating someone in the summer, and I know that I was very rude to him. My anxiety over not being perfect and messing things up caused me to be irritable towards him all the time. I would complain about the smallest things, I acted so disgustingly I feel as though I was emotionally abusive.
The problem above all of this is that once we worked out the issue of me being angry and on edge all the time, we started to engage in sexual activities both in person and through technology if you get what I mean. I have been in situations where I did not like what was going on and did not speak up, so I was constantly asking him if everything was okay and if we could go further and was generally always anxious about going "too far" or making him uncomfortable in any way. When it came to the technology side there was phone and video activities, we are both two adults we spoke about the rules and boundaries of everything.
But, when I saw him again in person he explained to me that he didn't want to do any of that stuff anymore, and that he was uncomfortable doing so. To be honest, I always felt weird about it too. So I obviously agreed not to do it anymore and I wished I had known sooner.
Now when I have a day where I feel depressed or I am in a state of panic my mind tries to tell me that I am some sort of sex addict and that I meant to make him uncomfortable the whole time, and that our relationship was all a mistake and unhealthy and he's going to despise me forever as is everyone else who knows about our relationship.
While I do agree that we maybe should have broken up before we made things physical to spare both of us the feelings that we are feeling now, I feel so terrible about myself and the situation.
What should I do to begin to start being able to leave this behind me? I feel at the absolute rock bottom in so many areas of my life but right now this one is the one bugging me the most.
I was dating someone in the summer, and I know that I was very rude to him. My anxiety over not being perfect and messing things up caused me to be irritable towards him all the time. I would complain about the smallest things, I acted so disgustingly I feel as though I was emotionally abusive.
The problem above all of this is that once we worked out the issue of me being angry and on edge all the time, we started to engage in sexual activities both in person and through technology if you get what I mean. I have been in situations where I did not like what was going on and did not speak up, so I was constantly asking him if everything was okay and if we could go further and was generally always anxious about going "too far" or making him uncomfortable in any way. When it came to the technology side there was phone and video activities, we are both two adults we spoke about the rules and boundaries of everything.
But, when I saw him again in person he explained to me that he didn't want to do any of that stuff anymore, and that he was uncomfortable doing so. To be honest, I always felt weird about it too. So I obviously agreed not to do it anymore and I wished I had known sooner.
Now when I have a day where I feel depressed or I am in a state of panic my mind tries to tell me that I am some sort of sex addict and that I meant to make him uncomfortable the whole time, and that our relationship was all a mistake and unhealthy and he's going to despise me forever as is everyone else who knows about our relationship.
While I do agree that we maybe should have broken up before we made things physical to spare both of us the feelings that we are feeling now, I feel so terrible about myself and the situation.
What should I do to begin to start being able to leave this behind me? I feel at the absolute rock bottom in so many areas of my life but right now this one is the one bugging me the most.