View Full Version : Feeling hopeless
Hi , first of all I'll give a trigger warning although I still read on even when I see that like a moth to the flame .
My anxiety seems to have made way for depression to rear its ugly head , my home life has been a constant source of stress for several years the main things being my daughter nearly dying from an overdose , my dog dying , my partners ill health and also being hospitalised from an overdose , I've now got into this mindset that if I go to work ( I work for myself ) or leave town somthing bad will happen which it regularly does , I tried cbt last year but that was when my partner took the overdose which just confirmed bad things happen when I'm out , I have no control over my life and each time I get a knock back it chips a little bit more of my hope away , my partner currently has pneumonia which she has several times a year things can go bad so quickly and she ends up in hospital, I feel selfish wanting to be out working and she doesn't want me hanging around watching over her like an undertaker, the situation is hopeless she can't help being ill and I can't stop worrying,
I've started to lose interest in any plans of getting better myself I keep picking up the leaflet for mental health referral but it seems pointless , the worst part right now is getting intrusive thoughts of suicide they pop in my head throughout the day and it scares the crap out of me if I use sharp knife I get visions of cutting my throat , when I'm driving on the motorway like today I get the urge to swerve into somthing and I keep closing my eyes while driving fast to see how long I dare keep them shut , the list is endless on places I see ways out , when things are going ok I see the beauty in things but it turns dark with my mood .
Sorry to offload this on here but I have no one I feel I could talk to about it so I'm keeping it all inside like a pressure cooker soon somthing has to give .
I'll make it clear I don't want to die I just want a break from the constant pressure and worries .
No real need to reply , take care all .
MyNameIsTerry
25-04-17, 05:42
Hi Buster,
Sorry to hear things are getting hard for you again. :hugs:
Can't they do something for your partner? I can't remember if you mentioned this before but her bouts of pneumonia would be upsetting for anyone and they should be finding the cause & stopping it, surely?!!! Some meds can cause pneumonia, one caused my mum's most likely, but it seems unacceptable for this to keep happening to her (and you). It's no wonder you are on alert so often.
Is there any way to assist the situation? Like with a panic button or something similiar? Just something that you take action from yet not feel you should be hanging around just in case? Some practical to meet things a bit half way, if you see what I mean?
Do you think having outside activities helps you? I know you enjoyed your dog and you have a new one, don't you as well as your partners? Would getting out, if you leave your partner, with others help? Like mental health groups, walking groups, etc? Something with dog owners even?
It just seems you need a release and to be taken out of the situation. If something could ease the need to be hanging around it may help to feel less alone? You've obviously got us lot on top though.
Are there interests at home you can get stuck into? Things to take you mind away from all the stress and how trapped you feel? Feeling trapped is a pretty horrible experience in mental health disorders, it's something I've found hard to escape from (and still do) and the low moods could be crippling.
I'm sure you know how intrusive thoughts work and why they don't lead to actions so I won't go into that but ask if you need any info. I had the knife ones, I had jumping off bridges, at my low moods it was walking off the pavements into oncoming traffic (my walks take me along busy A roads) and more. These will pass. Keep doing what you are doing, don't let them drive you to avoid objects & situations they focus on because that's just anxiety trying to reinforce the false beliefs they are trying to build.
Without a doubt - please address the driving compulsion issue. It's just an urge, something saying "go on, see what happens". I had them too but mine were about the bridges mostly, and sometimes cutting myself with knives when in the kitchen. I can remember the bridges ones as a strange sort of curiosity "go on, give it a try". It's just another part of intrusive thoughts though but urges can feel more physically real, or they did to me.
What matters is what you believe and your deeper identity based morals. You are a loving father, partner and dog lover - you wouldn't want to upset them for anything (isn't that why you talk to us? Not wanting to burden them, as you perceive it?).
Oh Buster,you are a fighter and a wonderful husband and father,you have helped me in my darkest times and put a smile on my face,you Will get through this darkness and come out shining,close the door when that bloody black dog keeps knocking I know it sucks right now,believe me I know there were days when I thought life was not worth living,but with help from loved ones and quacks I am getting there,plus my kids need me as yours do too.Take your beloved dog for a walk and see the beauty of Mother Nature.Xxxxxxx.:hugs:
Sorry, I am not much support to you lately.
I've been hit with depression too and I have no kids to keep me going. :(
I can only say that any ray of sunshine is a ray of hope.
I would advise against closing your eyes while driving.
It could end up in even a bigger mess for you and others.
Maybe seeing a Therapist will help this time?
You need someone to offload to that can look at your life from outside/in.
x :hugs:
Hi Buster, I don't think I can say anything any different than what as been said.
I only hope that you will think about what as been said though.
We all striving for you to get help for yourself.:hugs:
Hi , thanks you guys for the replies , thought posting in this section wouldn't get noticed maybe should have used success stories to hide .
Terry you seem to match most of my past and present symptoms , at the time you think nobody else could possibly have these thoughts but so many do and we have to hide it or people would run a mile , I've had the bridge thoughts , on a good day I would look out off a bridge and see the wonderful view but on a dark day I look straight down and imagine hitting the bottom , I have to walk away , I also get the stepping out in traffic had that one last week had to pull up in a lay by on a busy dual carriage way when I went to get back in I had an urge to step out and snap vision of me being hit , it's very unsettlingly and I worry I will act upon it even though I don't want to ,
Lack of sleep always makes me much worse and I haven't been going to bed much lately.
Flip flop I feel ashamed that I can't cope with my circumstances when you scrape by having been through so much you know I just wish the best for you .
Carnation, magic , thanks for your replies it means a lot to me and does give me hope I know you have your demons too .
My camper broke today so been stressing over it the garage want to much to fix it but my confidence in doing it myself has gone , before I used take engines out on my own and have them back in the same day and sleep like a log knackered , got the parts and going to bed tonight , tomorrow I'll have a go at it and I mess it up I'll chuck a hammer at it and take it to the garage , there is still a glimmer of hope so I'll just hang on to that for now.
Take care all . :hugs:
You can fix her Buster. x
MyNameIsTerry
26-04-17, 12:18
Yeah, it's the subconscious looking for what shocks you the most. In a parent , committed family man, self harm or harming others would seem very likely intrusive thoughts. I read a lot of intrusive thoughts threads on here and it's so commonly the case in those with strong moral values about something that their intrusive thoughts attempt to frighten them through targeting them.
When you are on that bridge, take control of the conscious thoughts and think how daft it is, neutralise them or remind yourself you don't agree with these thoughts due to positive reasons. It will feed off negatives, including avoidance and escape.
You've experienced more than most of is ever will when it comes to the impact of a suicide attempt. I think that tends to put people more firmly against it quite naturally and generates even more compassion to those feeling that way. I don't in a million years see you bringing that on your daughter or your partner, I expect it goes strongly against your beliefs, likely because of your daughter's episode, and that's why your intrusive thoughts are about it. You know how that hurt you, that's why you know why you can't.
Plenty have had intrusive thoughts on here, you're not alone. And you're a popular bloke too so you're stuck with us! :biggrin:
I hope you fix your motor.
Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Buster. We might all have very different circumstances, but we all know how it feels to be in that hideous black hole. Hope you find a way out soon and the same to anybody else feeling like hell. It's crazy how it's the most lonely feeling in the world, yet coming on here just shows we aren't alone at all.
Hi , so had worse days got up walked the dogs with a woman who said she has no freinds it really is a lonely planet , decided to crack on and have a go at the van id already over thunk it before I got up and you tubed it so I knew what I was doing just had to convince my brain I could do it , got on with it even though I was breathing like a man in front of a firing line about to be shot , an hour and a half later crawled out from under it new water pump fitted , sun shining job done and £200 better off for doing it myself , had a bit of a wobble when I went to check my phone but no calls or texts .
Partner is still very ill but today I didn't get any thoughts of throwing myself under a steam roller, still breathing weird but I'm like that most days , hands won't come clean for a week but I always said if I get buried with clean hands somthing has gone seriously wrong .
Really appreciate the support on a dark day I hope I can return the favour at some point , as for being popular on here I'm wrong on so many levels maybe it's my boyish good looks ( selfie included ) take care you guys .:hugs:
Hope you are joking us Buster. Have not seen such a handsome selfie. NOT.
You get some sleep now!!! Hope your wife will be much improved tomorrow.
By the way Swarfega is good for dirty hands.:):hugs:
I knew you could do it Buster. :)
I hope you gave your van a hug. She's probably like 'Herbie' and thought to herself, "If you are going to rid of me, then I am not going to work for anyone!".
I know how much you worry about your partner.
She probably puts herself under a lot of pressure, but she knows you are there if she needs you. Just by asking her if she needs anything will show her you care.
Sleep, rest and plenty of fluids is the best cure for recovery.
It's good to get your hands dirty sometimes. It will feel like you have been productive! :)
G'day Buster.:D.i didn't know how handsome you are,and those choppers!you could eat an apple through a tennis racquet lol.
So pleased you fixed your motor and took your dog for a walk and yes I agree it's a bloody lonely ole world, I've been feeling lonely today but I'll be OK.
Wishing you well mate.Xxx.:hugs:
Shazamataz
27-04-17, 08:16
Hey Buster!
I've been AWOL from the site for a while. Signed in today and the first post that came up was yours. Sorry you're having such a struggle. I've not experienced the intrusive thoughts though I have felt suicidal in the past. It's such a lonely place as you can't see any way out of feeling so bad. BUT things DO change, even just your feelings, so there is always hope for a better day.
Not much to report for me. I'm still battling with really bad fatigue and up and down moods, though the anxiety is mostly gone. We recently had a foster puppy for nearly 4 weeks! That was full-on but also fun and felt great to be doing something 'good'.
Nothing beats hanging with the dogs to keep you grounded. We have been doing lots of bush walks which we all love. Nature is a great healer. My two have become quite good hunters and catch a few possums. They are pests here so that's a good thing!
Lots of fantails around at the moment. They are native here but you may have something similar. Such wee delights. Chirping all over the place. But they move very fast so almost impossible to photograph. Today I actually managed to snap one but he kept closing his tail when I pressed the button.
3021
Winter on it's way here so things must be warming up for you at the other side of the world. I remember you're not keen on hot weather so hope this summer is kind to you.
Well done on fixing the water pump. I wish I had some mechanical skills! My Dad tried to become a mechanic to follow in the footsteps of his older brother, but was so bad he was fired from his apprenticeship. No fix-it skills passed down in my family - we are all nerds instead!
Sending you much love. I often think about you and wonder how you are doing.
xxxxx
Hi all , been out and about today buying a few bits been to Ashbourne Derbyshire beautiful countryside green and peaceful you'd all love it , daffs have gone now and made way for bluebells in the woods somthing I wouldn't have noticed when younger my dad was the green fingered one .
Van behaved it's self water stayed where it should , fuel gauge is now fixed after three years of running on fumes and hope , springs I fitted are bouncing on our country roads so all good , if I could fix her in doors and suss out why I wheeze and breath like a 90 year old miner I'd be laughing,
Funnily enough I used to be into beetles and did one as herbie 53 on the doors red and blue stripe on roof , my daughter used to hide in the footwell going to school it used to make people smile though , Swafeger won't even touch this oily dirt it's ingrained and probably runs in my viens .
Thanks for the compliment flipp I took ages making myself real purdy for my selfie I have my dad's teeth , he left me them in his will .
Keekee hope you have managed to sort out some of your problems I know you were struggling I don't think anyone really lives a charmed life .
I took a photo of the bluebells but as usual shaz you've put it to shame with you birdie snap , believe it or not it snowed a bit here yesterday and is really cold which I'm ok with I can always put on another layer , the pups just over a year old now and pain in the arse I think she's just trying her luck hope she'll calm
Down in the next 5 to 10 years .
You are getting the bluebells anyway especially for those of you who have lost someone recently, you are good peeps , terry you can have a man hug and that's rare as we only give them in my family when someone dies on a leap year and full moon and even then it's really a handshake .
Take care .:hugs:
Hopeless could be your best friend if you are accept this friendship. It can bring a peace.
Hi Buster yes know it quite well Ashbourne (near Leek) it is beautiful country side too and there's even a preserved steam railway down at churnet valley, This line used to be a quicker route in to Manchester (Exchange Station as it was called back then) Must visit it again soon when I can find some one to go with me ;) I take it you are referring to your Staffy :) They are super hypo dogs that will test you to the limit but their loyality is second to none and very loving too :) Stick with it mate they will be just fine, how many pups did she have?
Any pics? Have a great day!! Cheers
Hi , I go round Derbyshire a fair bit picking bits up and it's never a wasted journey because of the views and fresh air , I've just got the one staff pup and an older one , I lost one last year after eleven years and it broke my heart , I forgot how hard the first couple of years are but she'll get there , take care .
Yes the views are amazing :) Aww How old is the pup? Sorry to hear the loss of your other dog I bet it was difficult to take in, Yes with good leadership the pup will learn and will also learn off the other older staffy too :) They are ace dogs, totally awesome in the right hands :) Any pics? Take care too, have a great day!
Been trying to get on with life make plans but as usaual life just won't let it happen , I always try to laugh about how shit life can be but it's getting so hard to keep up the pretence each day acting normal when you feel dead inside , today I just keep feeling tearful , partner has been talking suicide again and now she's gone out , I cant go running after her it just makes matters worse but I'm scared what she might do , this constant uncertainty is killing me , I just want it all to stop .
Shazamataz
26-05-17, 08:14
Hey Buster,
I decided to check in this evening to see how you are doing. Sorry to read this last post. I don't know how I would handle a loved one threatening suicide. But, from what I know about it, the ones who really want to take action rarely tell anyone about it.
I've been hit quite hard by the death of Chris Cornell (Soundgarden). Normally don't get upset by celebrities passing but he was one of my true idols and my favourite singer since I was 20 years old (OMG that's so many years ago now!).
Anyways, not much happening here. I'm still plodding along with little to no anxiety but very up and down with mood and energy.
xx
WiredIncorrectly
26-05-17, 10:31
Hey Buster,
I can relate to the struggle. I lost my Dad this year and had lots of crap to deal with. Like you said it slowly chips away at you until you end up in a hole that's hard to escape from.
I wish you all the best buddy. I can't be of use right now as I'm going through a very similar battle. You're not alone.
Hi shaz , glad you are not doing to bad with the anxiety low maybe the rest will fall back into place , are you working again yet ? Seems your life is a train track down under and mines a rollercoaster somewhere in between would be good , one word springs to mind when you pop back up " sporadic " your work not mine that's an education for you , bloody dog has gone mad for water she swims and won't come out every day it's been 30 degrees so I don't really want to be stood in the sun trying to persuade her out , had so
Many people I know take that way out and as you know she's come close and so has my daughter so I can't help but take it serious , hope your dogs are ok .take care .:hugs:
Thanks for the reply wired , for some of us life has that little toffee hammer chipping away day in day out you don't feel the damage until it's too late and there's a bloody great crack, hang in there chap .:)
At rock bottom today really feel like I've had enough , been up most of the night arguing over somthing which seems small but again shows my family have no respect for me anymore and will go ahead and do things that affect me behind my back without even metioning it to me , partner is very depressed and talks daily of dying so it's constantly on my mind if I leave the house what I'll come back to , can't see any way out of this hell , given up on docs they have no time for you , who else is there to talk to ? Partner refuses point blank to see anyone , can't get up tomorrow to another day like this , getting some very dark thoughts and it getting so hard to think anything positive, wish I just had one person I could actually talk to but you can't dump this crap on anyone unless they are being paid .
Hi Buster so sorry to hear this and what you are going through is sheer hell, sorry you have heard it before but how ever deep this crack or hole is you will get out of it :) And actually I if lived nearer to you than I do I would come and let you talk to me you know over a pint or coffee as I know how you are feeling. right now, been there my self Hey keep your head above the water my friend you will get through this, thinking of you during this difficult time:hugs:
Cheers appreciate it , this has gone on for years one problem after another I just feel worn out just sick of picking myself up to get knocked down again .
Cheers appreciate it , this has gone on for years one problem after another I just feel worn out just sick of picking myself up to get knocked down again .You are welcome and I know how you feel, totally relate to where you are right now. Tiring for sure. You take care :)
Most of us here have experienced what feels like an endless battle Buster. You have been through some very tough times in your life - most of it unfair on you and your family. You somehow found the strength to carry on, not just for your family but also for yourself, because we all deserve a life and to be content.
Can't offer much more but wanted you to know that I believe you can get through this and have brighter days ahead.
Stay strong Buster :hugs:
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