poppadr3w
27-04-17, 16:45
This is somewhat of a vent/rant, but I've no where else to write this. I see a therapist, but sometimes having other read your thoughts and getting feedback is just what someone needs overall.
I am a 28-year-old male living in NY - a quite expensive place to live. Not the city; rather the suburbs of Long Island where property taxes are around $8k-$12k on average. I am married and have an 8-year-old daughter from another woman prior to my marriage where I was tricked into getting her pregnant. Despite this, I have sole custody and am to receive child support, although I've never seen a single penny of it.
I work for the local government and my income is... very sub par. I am here almost 7 years (next month will be my anniversary date), yet my income is still below cost of living, yet many people I work with make triple my income (different unions - I don't want to give away my job or department). Other people alongside me make around the same or more, mostly still not sustainable for the cost of living here. Every year my income goes up slightly, and we are currently out of a contract (in negotiations, but no matter what we get it'll probably not enough unless we somehow get 50% raises or something).
By now I wanted to own a home. Instead my wife, daughter and I live in an apartment inside of my parent's home (upstairs). The good about this is that I have a family supportive enough to pay for the renovations and allow it, plus my mother babysits my daughter quite often, but it's still downright depressing to me. At this rate we may not own a home for many years or never.
I've watched my friends surpass me financially in many ways. Some have less college education than myself. One friend has no college and got a job, got married, had a house BUILT in an expensive area, bought a new truck, and they are working on having a kid. I don't need all of that... I'll gladly take a modest, "old" home. Something with a few bedrooms and to call my own.
Another friend recently moved out of his parent's home after buying a new home with his fiancee. Another friend had his business go under and got a new job making $75k as a mechanic. Another friend has no college education (although he is a Veteran) and is going to be making ~$20k more than myself in the near future.
I just am so upset about my job. When I first got it I thought that I was set. GREAT benefits, a pension, OK pay. This was before I knew how expensive it was to actually live here. The benefits have been wonderful for my family and especially myself. I need a specific treatment that is covered except a relatively small copayment. But now that I compare and contrast myself to others, I am just in such a rut; especially since the future doesn't look any different than what I am currently doing.
In reality, as it pertains to my job, I do a LOT. I have a LOT of responsibility, and others even take note of this. I do the work of 2-3 people in total, but because salary is based on grades/steps, I can't just go and request a raise. It's set in stone, unless contract negotiations get us a raise. Every so often another task is added to my list and I don't get a sliver of overtime, nor any additional compensation. At my current scale, I'll top out around $50k in ~5 years.
Another issue with my life is my anxiety holding me back. I NEED benefits for this treatment that I am on and the antidepressant that I am on.So the idea of leaving my current job at all raises my anxiety because then I'll lose these great benefits. I truly am stuck.
I have another job potentially lined up - I've gone through many tests, multiple interviews and even got fitted for a uniform. But damn I am nervous, as the job doesn't have a set schedule. There is also a LOT of learning on the job; there's a ridiculous amount of learning. For one of the tests I took I had to memorize approximately 70 definitions verbatim, plus much more. It'll be more money right off of the bat, to the tune of ~$15K more. But my anxiety is giving me second thoughts. There is a lot of testing involved AFTER being hired. Basically there is on the job training ("school") upon being hired with a bunch of tests in the beginning, then more tests after that, especially a HUGE one after 2 years. You can get laid off at any time for failing these tests.
So that's where I stand. Lost. I've tried other things on the side for revenue. I've received personal training certifications and opened up a business, but clients are a rarity because people don't want to pay for the service, or they come for a few weeks and then bail. I started a blog moreso recently (I posted about it here the other day - anxietypress.com), but I doubt that'll even generate enough revenue via ads to even pay for the hosting and domain at this rate ($100 a year in total, approximately). I am often too tired after work to get a second job, and the thought of having more to do after work makes me depressed because the job I have now has so much responsibility that I shouldn't require a second job to begin with unless I'd want it.
To boot, the anxiety/depression is clouding my mind again. My writing feels "off" overall, as if it were scattered in content. Maybe you guys/girls can confirm that after skimming through this. I feel like my mind is going to waste at this point... I can barely think straight because I am so stressed.
I am a 28-year-old male living in NY - a quite expensive place to live. Not the city; rather the suburbs of Long Island where property taxes are around $8k-$12k on average. I am married and have an 8-year-old daughter from another woman prior to my marriage where I was tricked into getting her pregnant. Despite this, I have sole custody and am to receive child support, although I've never seen a single penny of it.
I work for the local government and my income is... very sub par. I am here almost 7 years (next month will be my anniversary date), yet my income is still below cost of living, yet many people I work with make triple my income (different unions - I don't want to give away my job or department). Other people alongside me make around the same or more, mostly still not sustainable for the cost of living here. Every year my income goes up slightly, and we are currently out of a contract (in negotiations, but no matter what we get it'll probably not enough unless we somehow get 50% raises or something).
By now I wanted to own a home. Instead my wife, daughter and I live in an apartment inside of my parent's home (upstairs). The good about this is that I have a family supportive enough to pay for the renovations and allow it, plus my mother babysits my daughter quite often, but it's still downright depressing to me. At this rate we may not own a home for many years or never.
I've watched my friends surpass me financially in many ways. Some have less college education than myself. One friend has no college and got a job, got married, had a house BUILT in an expensive area, bought a new truck, and they are working on having a kid. I don't need all of that... I'll gladly take a modest, "old" home. Something with a few bedrooms and to call my own.
Another friend recently moved out of his parent's home after buying a new home with his fiancee. Another friend had his business go under and got a new job making $75k as a mechanic. Another friend has no college education (although he is a Veteran) and is going to be making ~$20k more than myself in the near future.
I just am so upset about my job. When I first got it I thought that I was set. GREAT benefits, a pension, OK pay. This was before I knew how expensive it was to actually live here. The benefits have been wonderful for my family and especially myself. I need a specific treatment that is covered except a relatively small copayment. But now that I compare and contrast myself to others, I am just in such a rut; especially since the future doesn't look any different than what I am currently doing.
In reality, as it pertains to my job, I do a LOT. I have a LOT of responsibility, and others even take note of this. I do the work of 2-3 people in total, but because salary is based on grades/steps, I can't just go and request a raise. It's set in stone, unless contract negotiations get us a raise. Every so often another task is added to my list and I don't get a sliver of overtime, nor any additional compensation. At my current scale, I'll top out around $50k in ~5 years.
Another issue with my life is my anxiety holding me back. I NEED benefits for this treatment that I am on and the antidepressant that I am on.So the idea of leaving my current job at all raises my anxiety because then I'll lose these great benefits. I truly am stuck.
I have another job potentially lined up - I've gone through many tests, multiple interviews and even got fitted for a uniform. But damn I am nervous, as the job doesn't have a set schedule. There is also a LOT of learning on the job; there's a ridiculous amount of learning. For one of the tests I took I had to memorize approximately 70 definitions verbatim, plus much more. It'll be more money right off of the bat, to the tune of ~$15K more. But my anxiety is giving me second thoughts. There is a lot of testing involved AFTER being hired. Basically there is on the job training ("school") upon being hired with a bunch of tests in the beginning, then more tests after that, especially a HUGE one after 2 years. You can get laid off at any time for failing these tests.
So that's where I stand. Lost. I've tried other things on the side for revenue. I've received personal training certifications and opened up a business, but clients are a rarity because people don't want to pay for the service, or they come for a few weeks and then bail. I started a blog moreso recently (I posted about it here the other day - anxietypress.com), but I doubt that'll even generate enough revenue via ads to even pay for the hosting and domain at this rate ($100 a year in total, approximately). I am often too tired after work to get a second job, and the thought of having more to do after work makes me depressed because the job I have now has so much responsibility that I shouldn't require a second job to begin with unless I'd want it.
To boot, the anxiety/depression is clouding my mind again. My writing feels "off" overall, as if it were scattered in content. Maybe you guys/girls can confirm that after skimming through this. I feel like my mind is going to waste at this point... I can barely think straight because I am so stressed.