Money/Job Anxiety Leading to Depression

[poppadr3w]

This is somewhat of a vent/rant, but I've no where else to write this. I see a therapist, but sometimes having other read your thoughts and getting feedback is just what someone needs overall.

I am a 28-year-old male living in NY - a quite expensive place to live. Not the city; rather the suburbs of Long Island where property taxes are around $8k-$12k on average. I am married and have an 8-year-old daughter from another woman prior to my marriage where I was tricked into getting her pregnant. Despite this, I have sole custody and am to receive child support, although I've never seen a single penny of it.

I work for the local government and my income is... very sub par. I am here almost 7 years (next month will be my anniversary date), yet my income is still below cost of living, yet many people I work with make triple my income (different unions - I don't want to give away my job or department). Other people alongside me make around the same or more, mostly still not sustainable for the cost of living here. Every year my income goes up slightly, and we are currently out of a contract (in negotiations, but no matter what we get it'll probably not enough unless we somehow get 50% raises or something).

By now I wanted to own a home. Instead my wife, daughter and I live in an apartment inside of my parent's home (upstairs). The good about this is that I have a family supportive enough to pay for the renovations and allow it, plus my mother babysits my daughter quite often, but it's still downright depressing to me. At this rate we may not own a home for many years or never.

I've watched my friends surpass me financially in many ways. Some have less college education than myself. One friend has no college and got a job, got married, had a house BUILT in an expensive area, bought a new truck, and they are working on having a kid. I don't need all of that... I'll gladly take a modest, "old" home. Something with a few bedrooms and to call my own.

Another friend recently moved out of his parent's home after buying a new home with his fiancee. Another friend had his business go under and got a new job making $75k as a mechanic. Another friend has no college education (although he is a Veteran) and is going to be making ~$20k more than myself in the near future.

I just am so upset about my job. When I first got it I thought that I was set. GREAT benefits, a pension, OK pay. This was before I knew how expensive it was to actually live here. The benefits have been wonderful for my family and especially myself. I need a specific treatment that is covered except a relatively small copayment. But now that I compare and contrast myself to others, I am just in such a rut; especially since the future doesn't look any different than what I am currently doing.

In reality, as it pertains to my job, I do a LOT. I have a LOT of responsibility, and others even take note of this. I do the work of 2-3 people in total, but because salary is based on grades/steps, I can't just go and request a raise. It's set in stone, unless contract negotiations get us a raise. Every so often another task is added to my list and I don't get a sliver of overtime, nor any additional compensation. At my current scale, I'll top out around $50k in ~5 years.

Another issue with my life is my anxiety holding me back. I NEED benefits for this treatment that I am on and the antidepressant that I am on.So the idea of leaving my current job at all raises my anxiety because then I'll lose these great benefits. I truly am stuck.

I have another job potentially lined up - I've gone through many tests, multiple interviews and even got fitted for a uniform. But damn I am nervous, as the job doesn't have a set schedule. There is also a LOT of learning on the job; there's a ridiculous amount of learning. For one of the tests I took I had to memorize approximately 70 definitions verbatim, plus much more. It'll be more money right off of the bat, to the tune of ~$15K more. But my anxiety is giving me second thoughts. There is a lot of testing involved AFTER being hired. Basically there is on the job training ("school") upon being hired with a bunch of tests in the beginning, then more tests after that, especially a HUGE one after 2 years. You can get laid off at any time for failing these tests.

So that's where I stand. Lost. I've tried other things on the side for revenue. I've received personal training certifications and opened up a business, but clients are a rarity because people don't want to pay for the service, or they come for a few weeks and then bail. I started a blog moreso recently (I posted about it here the other day - anxietypress.com), but I doubt that'll even generate enough revenue via ads to even pay for the hosting and domain at this rate ($100 a year in total, approximately). I am often too tired after work to get a second job, and the thought of having more to do after work makes me depressed because the job I have now has so much responsibility that I shouldn't require a second job to begin with unless I'd want it.

To boot, the anxiety/depression is clouding my mind again. My writing feels "off" overall, as if it were scattered in content. Maybe you guys/girls can confirm that after skimming through this. I feel like my mind is going to waste at this point... I can barely think straight because I am so stressed.

[.Poppy.]

So you don't like where you are. That's understandable - it sounds like your job frankly sucks and you want to have your own life.

Here's a great silver lining though: you live with your parents. Doesn't seem ideal now but it surely provides you with a little more security to go out and do something else, right?

Based on what I'm reading, you need to leave the job you're in. I know you think it gives you "security" but it sounds like you are way underpaid and completely overworked for that pay. I would leave and make sure they're aware that you cannot work the job you work for the little that they pay you. They'll either find a way to offer you more or they won't - but either way you're out.

Do you want to work this new job? It sounds very stressful, which is fine if it's what you want to do but not so much if you're just going to end up being equally as miserable in the position.

Do you have any ideas of what you want to do? Could you go back to school and get a different degree? Have you considered going to trade school - sometimes you can pick up a well-paying profession there. I think you need to sit down and truly evaluate your options.

[poppadr3w]

So you don't like where you are. That's understandable - it sounds like your job frankly sucks and you want to have your own life.

Here's a great silver lining though: you live with your parents. Doesn't seem ideal now but it surely provides you with a little more security to go out and do something else, right?

Based on what I'm reading, you need to leave the job you're in. I know you think it gives you "security" but it sounds like you are way underpaid and completely overworked for that pay. I would leave and make sure they're aware that you cannot work the job you work for the little that they pay you. They'll either find a way to offer you more or they won't - but either way you're out.

Do you want to work this new job? It sounds very stressful, which is fine if it's what you want to do but not so much if you're just going to end up being equally as miserable in the position.

Do you have any ideas of what you want to do? Could you go back to school and get a different degree? Have you considered going to trade school - sometimes you can pick up a well-paying profession there. I think you need to sit down and truly evaluate your options.

Hey Poppy,

Thanks for contributing.

I don't hate my current job, really. It's actually quite unique, but we are vastly underpaid, as I had mentioned earlier. I spoke with someone else yesterday about it, as well as others in the recent past, and we're all really sick of it. Sadly, politics plays a pivotal role in our income since it's government, so there's not much that we can do, especially since the government is operating in a deficit... again.

Yes, being home allows me additional security that others may not have. The primary thing is that I need my benefits, and my benefits are tied to my job. A lapse in benefits means no medication or therapy (or I need to pay an astronomical amount out of pocket... Which I cannot afford). It does allow me to possibly go back to school part-time in conjunction with this job, though. Or something. I have some options that others may not have if they lived completely on their own and had no social safety net.

The new job is... unique. It's not something I had ever dreamed of doing, but it's a pretty damn competitive job to get into. They sifted through thousands of applications and I was one of the handful that got picked. I went to the overview and other meetings to see what it was like, just to get a grasp. I didn't anticipate it being THAT much work beyond what I had already accomplished with the testing (4 tests, 2 interviews). But it's a lot. It's a pretty good job that actually has mobility, laterally and vertically, whereas my current job I can move up only ever so slightly into one upgrade. That upgrade (here) would put me on other tasks, though. We tried to upgrade out current roles and were denied twice, even though we do a lot more than we were hired to do. We appealed it again and are waiting review, which should be around June or July (or so I am told). But when I tell people what I do, they assume I am compensated adequately at the least. That's not really the case. It's a lot of responsibility with not a ton of supervision.


There is no way for them to offer us more. We're civil servants, so it's not like the private sector where I can make a case. The only thing we can do is beg for overtime (which never happens, since we are operating in a deficit and they are squashing any unnecessary OT) or attempt an upgrade (which I mentioned earlier we were denied twice and are appealing via a different channel now). The amounted raised in salary post-upgrade isn't even substantial given the cost of living though.

Hm... I actually did ponder what I've wanted to do. I've wanted to do a lot of things, actually. But with the anxiety/depression, my mind is clouded and I am often fatigued. Due to my fatigue (Which has gotten a lot better with Testosterone Replacement Therapy, but is still there), I nap... a fair amount. Like on my lunch break I'll nap in my car for the hour. Or when I get home I may nap for a bit. I've always wanted to go into law enforcement - I got my Associates in Criminal Justice. But with the anxiety it's a tough call. That and I've taken many tests to become some sort of officer, but the competition is beyond competitive out here. 35,000 took the local test one year for about 300 positions, and it was $100 to take the test (taken it twice). Otherwise I am not sure, and waiting around as time dwindles away and my life diminishes is just downright depressing. If I had won the lottery, my dream would be to open a gym. Gyms are more expensive than I had imagined... hundreds of thousands at times for insurance, location, equipment, etc. I've also thought about writing a book, but with the mental fog writing is difficult for me, at least compared to the past. I've thought about screen writing, but the process to do so is quite complex and, once again, the mental fog. I've tried medication for the mental fog like Adderall (from an old doctor - heightened my anxiety) and Strattera (Horrendous side effects). Caffeine helps, but also spikes my anxiety, so it's not worth it lol.

I apologize for the length of the post. It just helps for me to write about y frustrations and let some steam off. The one good thing I'll admit about my job is that it allows me to do something on the side since the hours aren't horrendous. I get here early (7AM) and get home around 3:30PM. Plus the pension... and I have a few more years to be vested for medical benefits.