bp
28-04-17, 11:39
My partner and I are both long term anxiety sufferers with all the regrets and inexperience that can entail.
We have been together for 10 years but are from somewhat different backgrounds.
When we started dating the relationship was something of a rebound for me, as my previous and first attempt at a relationship in my early thirties had painfully failed due to anxiety. Nonetheless, we got along well and being both our first proper relationship it was exciting and profoundly life changing for two long term isolated anxiety sufferers as we were.
Problems began to surface when it became apparent that her anxiety made it difficult for her to pass job interviews, and therefore to support herself financially. Financially, I have supported her for roughly half of our relationship. More recently, the loss of a relative made her go downhill and she went through a breakdown of sorts that was quite dark at times and terrifying for both of us. In addition, her family are a real problem, one somewhat distant family member is borderline criminal and there are some alarming family dynamics in her family that I try to keep at a distance from our life.
Because her immediately family live some way away, she would visit them and they would visit her but when visiting her, they would always stay in a hotel at my insistence. I enforced this originally because I knew her family were a problem and didn't feel comfortable with them in my home a lot. Since being ill recently I have been forced to let them stay in the home so that they could afford to see her more frequently, so now I have them in our home a lot more than I would like.
Between the financial support, emotional support, and her family, I am finding it hard to cope and have at times been quite down myself. My own anxiety makes it hard for me to confront issues, partly because I fear the consequences myself, but mainly because I fear the consequences for her.
I feel she is well enough now that I can push back on her family staying with us, it may lead to an argument but that's something I need to work on depending on whether feedback here thinks I am being unreasonable.
Financially, that too is something I have to push back on sooner rather than later. My fear is that is one thing she can't just change, and it will lead to a break up which leads to my greatest fear: how that will affect her.
Our breaking up would be very hard for her, my support has enabled her to experience life which would be whipped away and she would be financially and emotionally trapped by her awful family, again.
One thing I have learned is that were we to break up and I were to meet somebody else, I would be a lot firmer earlier. I did try this time but when it came down to following through on things I had said, I backed down for fear of losing the relationship. It was a mistake and one that only grew over time.
Not to over dramatise but I can't help but feel that I am choosing between my happiness and fears over her hurting herself if we split up, and the pressure of that is too much, hence this post.
I would be grateful for any input from anyone who has been through similar things.
Thanks, BP
We have been together for 10 years but are from somewhat different backgrounds.
When we started dating the relationship was something of a rebound for me, as my previous and first attempt at a relationship in my early thirties had painfully failed due to anxiety. Nonetheless, we got along well and being both our first proper relationship it was exciting and profoundly life changing for two long term isolated anxiety sufferers as we were.
Problems began to surface when it became apparent that her anxiety made it difficult for her to pass job interviews, and therefore to support herself financially. Financially, I have supported her for roughly half of our relationship. More recently, the loss of a relative made her go downhill and she went through a breakdown of sorts that was quite dark at times and terrifying for both of us. In addition, her family are a real problem, one somewhat distant family member is borderline criminal and there are some alarming family dynamics in her family that I try to keep at a distance from our life.
Because her immediately family live some way away, she would visit them and they would visit her but when visiting her, they would always stay in a hotel at my insistence. I enforced this originally because I knew her family were a problem and didn't feel comfortable with them in my home a lot. Since being ill recently I have been forced to let them stay in the home so that they could afford to see her more frequently, so now I have them in our home a lot more than I would like.
Between the financial support, emotional support, and her family, I am finding it hard to cope and have at times been quite down myself. My own anxiety makes it hard for me to confront issues, partly because I fear the consequences myself, but mainly because I fear the consequences for her.
I feel she is well enough now that I can push back on her family staying with us, it may lead to an argument but that's something I need to work on depending on whether feedback here thinks I am being unreasonable.
Financially, that too is something I have to push back on sooner rather than later. My fear is that is one thing she can't just change, and it will lead to a break up which leads to my greatest fear: how that will affect her.
Our breaking up would be very hard for her, my support has enabled her to experience life which would be whipped away and she would be financially and emotionally trapped by her awful family, again.
One thing I have learned is that were we to break up and I were to meet somebody else, I would be a lot firmer earlier. I did try this time but when it came down to following through on things I had said, I backed down for fear of losing the relationship. It was a mistake and one that only grew over time.
Not to over dramatise but I can't help but feel that I am choosing between my happiness and fears over her hurting herself if we split up, and the pressure of that is too much, hence this post.
I would be grateful for any input from anyone who has been through similar things.
Thanks, BP