View Full Version : Dropping "friends" and more - Is it me or them?
I wasn't sure if there was a relationship/friends portion of this website, so I figured this would fit right here above anywhere else.
Over the past year my social life has changed pretty immensely as it pertains to who I socialize with or see. I don't see friends as much as I used to at the ripe old age of 28. Not like when I was in college or not working full-time, but I always tried to make time. I'd go to social gathering on special events and holidays, text/call, play Xbox Live with others, etc. I didn't become a ghost, basically, even at my busiest of times.
Last year (A year ago as of last week, actually) I got married and had a full party of groomsmen, whom I considered close enough to be brothers. It seems that overall, of all the guys in my party of my choosing (2 were my wife's brothers, so they aren't being brought up in this case), I don't really talk to any. My Best Man, whom I used to see a few times a week at the least, I rarely see anymore since he got married last September, for example. Another one and I had a falling out over some stuff, but we recently started texting again. It was both of our faults, honestly. I'm willing to admit that. Another is working a job I may be moving into, but he seems to be distant all of the time and will come and go months at a time. See, the thing about me is that I value my friendships and I know that - as cliche as this sounds - our time on this Earth is limited. I don't want my social life relationships to be dragged along. I don't think I am being too needy; It's not as if I need to be called/texted daily or seen every weekend, but maybe hang out once a month? Text every so often? Just... something. There are too many means of communication to have a justifiable reason NOT to.
The two that bother me the most is a pair of brothers that were both in my party. One of them I knew since a bit after high school (We knew OF each other in high school, but didn't talk). We were close and a guy that I felt I could always talk to and trust. He has (had?) a good conscience and a full heart. He had a rough life (overweight, Dad left his Mom a long time ago and had little contact), so I tried to be there for him, although by the time we started hanging out he was well beyond the family issues and seemed fine. Anyway, he was in the wedding party and had started seeing a girl many months (maybe even a year) prior to that, so she was there. She seems fine and nice, but he's just - and I hate to even say this - "whipped." It was said as soon as they started dating. You'd almost never see the guy alone anymore. I understand couples like to socialize together, but it was like you NEVER had a guys night with him. No beers, no talks, not even Xbox Live. The two times I did see him in person it was - and he verbally stated this - because his girl was working (nurse, so weird hours). That's it. I think the last time I saw him was... Geeze, many months ago? Anyway, of course his now fiancee and him are planning their wedding and bought a house out of nowhere. I'll admit, I am a bit jealous because my wife and I cannot afford a house (quite expensive here). He asks me to be in his wedding party and I say yes, of course. I was hoping things would change if I said that, but that was months ago and I don't think I've seen him since. No wait, I did... I went to his engagement party (Those things are tacky, in my opinion - my wife and I didn't have a real one, just a small get together with no presents). He didn't pay attention to his friends much at all - we sat in a corner. But aside from that, I don't see the guy or anything. So he called me last weekend and I cancelled it since I was genuinely in the middle of something. We ended up texting a little and I said maybe I'd be able to drop by his house next weekend, as he had invited me. Then I start poking fun a bit later asking, "Who is this?" since I never hear from the guy. No responses. Maybe I was being a bit of a dick? I am not sure... Given the circumstances, I think I am basically owed an apology since he has become a stranger.
His brother had a similar situation. Started working a lot and broke-up with a friend of mine who he had been seeing for like 5 years. He got a new girlfriend and became an absolute ghost of a person. He never calls, never texts, never goes on Xbox Live with the "guys" (although he logs on to watch TV and doesn't answer any of us). I've invited him out a dozen times over the past year or so and he never comes out and always has an excuse. The last time I saw him was at his brother's engagement party and he barely talked to us. But when I did see him he tried to engage me in conversation, which I felt awkward about. Like he was trying to make it seem like his absence was never a thing. I smiled, played along, but made me way away since I was leaving anyway. Prior to that, I had randomly seen him at a bar in town when I was out with another friend. He was there with other guys I've never seen before and tried to play it off by saying to my friend, "I've been so busy, but [Insert my name here] and I can always pick up like nothing ever happened!" It was disheartening to see him "so busy." I guess he got a new group of friends or started to focus more on them.
These guys aren't bad people, which is why it hurts that much more. They were good friends that I trusted (Obviously... I included them in my wedding party). Now they're ghosts. On top of my own anxiety/depression and what feels like shortcomings professionally (I work a decent job full-time, but we're underpaid and due to my health I can't lose my insurance. Not that I am dying, but I am on antidepressants and another therapy). It takes a toll when I've been working the longest in my position, have a LOT of responsibility, yet am underpaid. And it's not like I can go into my boss and ask for a raise since I am in civil service. Compensation is purely based on grade and steps, and getting an upgrade - which I've been denied for twice - is an annoying process that wouldn't even pay me THAT much more in comparison to the cost of living.
There was/is another friend that hasn't been around, too. A girl that was my in my wife's side of the wedding party. This is the girl the second brother above broke up with. She, too, has a new person that she is seeing, although I've only met the guy once. She never texts and complains that we never see each other. So my wife and I decided to try and hangout with her since we rarely see her and she seemingly wants to socialize with us. We make plans and she has cancelled like 4 or 5 times. I can understand once or twice, but at this point it's like a slap in the face. The last time that we made plans she literally "forgot" about the plans. She was the one that was supposed to contact us that weekend to do something after having cancelled the previous weekend. Luckily my wife and I figured as such given her track record, so we went out to a local concert. Still haven't seen her.
So that's really it... That's like 6 or more people that I don't see anymore or hear from at all. But I have to look at the fact - what's the common denominator? ME. So it is hard not to blame myself, you know?
To boot, I am just not happy overall. With life, my situation(s), etc. My wife and I fight quite often. Nothing over-the-top, but enough to cause friction at times. She's frequently in a bad mood because she does work a lot and works incredibly hard in the apartment - cooking, cleaning, taking care of my daughter (not hers biologically). I do what I can, but due to a recent surgery I can only do so much. I am fearful of the future and what it may hold, including what I gain and what I lose. The anxiety is overwhelming at times, and I am unsure if I can even do anything. I don't want a divorce... I like to work things out, but if things are chronically negative, what am I to do? I don't want to be with someone that is negative more often than not and be unhappy. There's a lot on my plate.
So that's where I stand. Life's tough. I know I have it good compared to others out there... But this is how I feel. I needed to vent somewhere and I didn't know where else to, especially since I don't see my therapist until tomorrow and she already knows about it. I feel writing it out helps particularly, as well as getting outside perspectives on the matters.
Sorry for the length. I know it is a lot, so I don't blame people for not reading.
HI Yes read your post and tbh you shouldn't have poked fun at this guy no wonder he didn't contact you again I mean Iam struggling to make friends my self and would never poke fun at any one if he had contacted me I would have been over the moon, hope you have learned by your mistakes :) Cheers
HI Yes read your post and tbh you shouldn't have poked fun at this guy no wonder he didn't contact you again I mean Iam struggling to make friends my self and would never poke fun at any one if he had contacted me I would have been over the moon, hope you have learned by your mistakes :) Cheers
I poked fun at the guy after he called me randomly and he ceased talking to me for many months... To be honest, I think that's the least someone deserves. To desert your friendship for no justifiable reason is just absurd in my opinion. I value my friendships in this short amount of time we have on this Earth. If he can't take some minor joking and banter over his absence, he's softer than I can ever imagine...
I poked fun at the guy after he called me randomly and he ceased talking to me for many months... To be honest, I think that's the least someone deserves. To desert your friendship for no justifiable reason is just absurd in my opinion. I value my friendships in this short amount of time we have on this Earth. If he can't take some minor joking and banter over his absence, he's softer than I can ever imagine... He may have been having issues him self? Yeah I agree I had a similar friend but it was a reassurance problem with me (hardly the crime of the year) but he blocked me, It's a learning curve for sure :) Yeah deffo life is way too short to fall out over petty things ! Have you since tried to contact him? And I was just a tad annoyed as Iam genuinely lonely and looking for friends :) The other thing is I also believe in forgiveness too in friendships and one must talk about hoe they feel about a given situation to resolve any problems before the rot sets in :)
It's one of those things where as soon as you let go and don't care, they'll be contacting you or maybe you'll even get new friends. At 28 its OK to not have as many friends. There's always so much to be done when you're all grown up. Not enough hours it seems.
I confess that I'm absent like your friends from some relatives and friends... I'm waiting for them to stop it. I don't think they need to talk to me or confront me about anything to be honest. What you said may have made him feel guilty for awhile but it won't change how you feel about it. If anything it pushes him further away.
People sense the role you assign to them. A mental list made up entitled "what a friend is supposed to act like" followed by bullet points of preferable traits, could feel limiting to their freedom. They might feel pressure... The resentment you feel might be obvious.
I've done this to people and it drove them away. Been on both sides. You're OK as you are. You live, to some, an enviable life you don't need lots of friends to feel any sense of worth.
When we get older friends from younger days will change a lot in personality. I am an introvert and introverts can be infamous for cancelling dates and such. I hope it all goes well
He may have been having issues him self? Yeah I agree I had a similar friend but it was a reassurance problem with me (hardly the crime of the year) but he blocked me, It's a learning curve for sure :) Yeah deffo life is way too short to fall out over petty things ! Have you since tried to contact him? And I was just a tad annoyed as Iam genuinely lonely and looking for friends :) The other thing is I also believe in forgiveness too in friendships and one must talk about hoe they feel about a given situation to resolve any problems before the rot sets in :)
We're all generally pretty thick skinned people overall. We tease one another when we do talk -- it's how we are. If he had real life issues he'd come to us, not shut us out. Combine that with the fact that it all literally started as soon as he got a girlfriend and it's pretty simple to equate his absence to merely getting a girlfriend (now fiancee). Which it's fine to want to be with your significant other often times, but to the point you totally shut out all other people is over the top and, in my mind, unhealthy. Now what happens if they break up or something happens? He'll have no one close and try to come crawling back... I am a rather accepting and understanding person, but I wouldn't exactly be happy if someone stopped talking to me and then tried to start talking to me once again just because their romantic life fell through. That's not right at all.
---------- Post added at 12:38 ---------- Previous post was at 12:24 ----------
It's one of those things where as soon as you let go and don't care, they'll be contacting you or maybe you'll even get new friends. At 28 its OK to not have as many friends. There's always so much to be done when you're all grown up. Not enough hours it seems.
I confess that I'm absent like your friends from some relatives and friends... I'm waiting for them to stop it. I don't think they need to talk to me or confront me about anything to be honest. What you said may have made him feel guilty for awhile but it won't change how you feel about it. If anything it pushes him further away.
People sense the role you assign to them. A mental list made up entitled "what a friend is supposed to act like" followed by bullet points of preferable traits, could feel limiting to their freedom. They might feel pressure... The resentment you feel might be obvious.
I've done this to people and it drove them away. Been on both sides. You're OK as you are. You live, to some, an enviable life you don't need lots of friends to feel any sense of worth.
When we get older friends from younger days will change a lot in personality. I am an introvert and introverts can be infamous for cancelling dates and such. I hope it all goes well
That was my mentality about it - once I stopped caring, which I did, they'll come back and try to be in my life like before. I've spent countless energy trying to make plans at times, individually or collectively, and they've fell through most often. One night I even made an event wayyyy in advance to go to a bar in remembrance of a friend that passed away some years ago from a heroin overdose. At the time of the overdose we were all much closer, which was understandable given the more simplistic dynamics of our lives. But anyway, this event I scheduled I invited everyone mentioned above to. You know who showed up? A couple of our friends came - one left quickly (says he felt anxious... I don't know what his anxiety is about but I try to keep an open mind. Remember that this is the guy who stopped hanging out literally once he got married. My wife even said it'd happen, I didn't believe her, and it did). Another guy came for like a drink and left within less than an hour. The two brothers didn't show. The girl mentioned in the original post didn't show. Another female friend didn't show (had to watch her daughter, her husband was there, but given the advanced notice she could've easily found a babysitter, as she always does for events scheduled giving less time). Like, what the Hell? I put myself out there all of these times, this being the most recent collective event I tried to plan out for us all in remembrance of a close friend and many don't show, or the ones that did left rather rapidly. Luckily a new friend of mine, that was friends with the deceased, has been hanging out with me a lot lately. My sister and her friends showed up, as well as some others. But my circle let me down. That was my lat big attempt.
For what he's done, he deserves some minor guilt. It's not like he murdered someone, but he did basically betray me via extreme absence. If you neglect a relationship don't expect it to be wholesome when you return. Like I said earlier, I don't need to be contacted every day or week or whatever, but shoot me a text like once a month or something. There was multiple months in a row where I didn't hear from some of these people.
I appreciate your words of advice. I am just saddened and a bit angry. I am not a possessive person, and these words have rarely left my mouth, especially directly towards the people that I am speaking of. I am not calling them and demanding hanging out... Some people have even contacted me and then dropped plans continuously (like the girl from the first post). Some people don't even text or message back when I contact them once in a blue moon. Yet when I have seen some of them in person randomly or at an event, when we do talk they try to make it seem like nothing has ever happened. The reality is that they invite me to these events (like the engagement party) and into important roles (wedding party), so I doubt I am hated. I try to utilize outside feedback for to ensure of this - thinking about the social environment and issues contained within. I just want some consistency.
We're all generally pretty thick skinned people overall. We tease one another when we do talk -- it's how we are. If he had real life issues he'd come to us, not shut us out. Combine that with the fact that it all literally started as soon as he got a girlfriend and it's pretty simple to equate his absence to merely getting a girlfriend (now fiancee). Which it's fine to want to be with your significant other often times, but to the point you totally shut out all other people is over the top and, in my mind, unhealthy. Now what happens if they break up or something happens? He'll have no one close and try to come crawling back... I am a rather accepting and understanding person, but I wouldn't exactly be happy if someone stopped talking to me and then tried to start talking to me once again just because their romantic life fell through. That's not right at all.
---------- Post added at 12:38 ---------- Previous post was at 12:24 ----------
That was my mentality about it - once I stopped caring, which I did, they'll come back and try to be in my life like before. I've spent countless energy trying to make plans at times, individually or collectively, and they've fell through most often. One night I even made an event wayyyy in advance to go to a bar in remembrance of a friend that passed away some years ago from a heroin overdose. At the time of the overdose we were all much closer, which was understandable given the more simplistic dynamics of our lives. But anyway, this event I scheduled I invited everyone mentioned above to. You know who showed up? A couple of our friends came - one left quickly (says he felt anxious... I don't know what his anxiety is about but I try to keep an open mind. Remember that this is the guy who stopped hanging out literally once he got married. My wife even said it'd happen, I didn't believe her, and it did). Another guy came for like a drink and left within less than an hour. The two brothers didn't show. The girl mentioned in the original post didn't show. Another female friend didn't show (had to watch her daughter, her husband was there, but given the advanced notice she could've easily found a babysitter, as she always does for events scheduled giving less time). Like, what the Hell? I put myself out there all of these times, this being the most recent collective event I tried to plan out for us all in remembrance of a close friend and many don't show, or the ones that did left rather rapidly. Luckily a new friend of mine, that was friends with the deceased, has been hanging out with me a lot lately. My sister and her friends showed up, as well as some others. But my circle let me down. That was my lat big attempt.
For what he's done, he deserves some minor guilt. It's not like he murdered someone, but he did basically betray me via extreme absence. If you neglect a relationship don't expect it to be wholesome when you return. Like I said earlier, I don't need to be contacted every day or week or whatever, but shoot me a text like once a month or something. There was multiple months in a row where I didn't hear from some of these people.
I appreciate your words of advice. I am just saddened and a bit angry. I am not a possessive person, and these words have rarely left my mouth, especially directly towards the people that I am speaking of. I am not calling them and demanding hanging out... Some people have even contacted me and then dropped plans continuously (like the girl from the first post). Some people don't even text or message back when I contact them once in a blue moon. Yet when I have seen some of them in person randomly or at an event, when we do talk they try to make it seem like nothing has ever happened. The reality is that they invite me to these events (like the engagement party) and into important roles (wedding party), so I doubt I am hated. I try to utilize outside feedback for to ensure of this - thinking about the social environment and issues contained within. I just want some consistency. Hi Yeah totally agree in what you say! I too don't want hangers on in my life just because a 'romantic' relationship has come to end Cant be doing with that does my head in! I am easy going (to easy at times) and feel some people pick up on that. So may be toughen my self up a bit :)
Like the other day some one messaged me and something was said I took it the wrong way but it was sorted and no harm was done and we are still friends :yesyes: this is how it should be, not ok I am going to block you because you took it the wrong way or what ever. Good friends are a rarity now adays
For me meet ups and socialisation is very important to me, and while I do like a bit of me time (which is ok) it tends to be the other way now :huh: Cheers
Maybe these once good friends have now transitioned into acquaintances? It sounds one sided to me.
You're invited to big lifetime events such as weddings and engagement parties but not frequent get togethers or even text messages.
Maybe these once good friends have now transitioned into acquaintances? It sounds one sided to me.
You're invited to big lifetime events such as weddings and engagement parties but not frequent get togethers or even text messages.
This is good reasoning as we grow older friends do drop away,some get married and their partners/family become priority,money gets tight and nights out go, people move away because of jobs.
This happens to most of us it's not personal it's life, when you suffer from anxiety it just feels like another kick in the head.
While this maybe true old fred for me I just would keep in touch with any friends I have and Iam not just saying that either, cause I know how precious good friends are how ever romantic a relationship is :) Cheers
MyNameIsTerry
03-05-17, 00:52
Why waste your energy? It sounds to me like they are moving on and you are all naturally drifting apart.
Isn't that how life tends to be? I've drifted apart from best friends over the years due to circumstances. Childhood friendships drifted as soon as work beconned and you spend more time with new friends.
If people want to stick together, that's great, but I'm not so sure it's bad to drift either.
It seems to me that they are moving on but you are wanting the old friendships to continue. It's a decision for all of you, but if some want to go you just have to let them.
As more time elapses, even te big events won't bring an invite.
More energy being put into making new friends and concentrating on your partner seems the way to go if they won't want to stay as close.
Why waste your energy? It sounds to me like they are moving on and you are all naturally drifting apart.
Isn't that how life tends to be? I've drifted apart from best friends over the years due to circumstances. Childhood friendships drifted as soon as work beconned and you spend more time with new friends.
If people want to stick together, that's great, but I'm not so sure it's bad to drift either.
It seems to me that they are moving on but you are wanting the old friendships to continue. It's a decision for all of you, but if some want to go you just have to let them.
As more time elapses, even te big events won't bring an invite.
More energy being put into making new friends and concentrating on your partner seems the way to go if they won't want to stay as close.
To a degree people will drift apart due to time constraints from work, romantic life, family life, etc. That is totally fine and understanding. But to neglect a long time friendship to the tune of months without contact, even after I had reached out, is, in my opinion, ridiculous. Especially when I see some of them accidentally out with other people or on social media out engaging in social events.
As of lately that's what I have been doing - focusing more on my current friends that actually want to socialize with me, my family, my health, etc. I'm done expending my energy trying to bring people back together just to be ignored. It's just when I received the phone/call texts last weekend I had to laugh internally maniacally (a bit of an exaggeration) that this person suddenly wants to even contact me. Hence why I teased him a bit about being a stranger and then he didn't say anything back, at all.
Our social situations out where I live are also a bit different. I see my sister and her friends (She is 36) seeing each other frequently, going out to town to have a few drinks, socializing, texting, etc. She's older, and to see her social group still rather strong over the years... It shows me it doesn't have to be the way that my "group" - or lack thereof - has to be. Just fundamental contact would be appreciated. A text saying "Hey, how are you doing?" or something basic would be appreciated. Clear cut negligence just isn't acceptable.
And maybe it's my anxiety/depression amplifying the way in which I perceive things. Maybe it's the medications I am on... Ever since I've been on Testosterone Replacement Therapy for Hypogonadism I've kind of had a "**** it" mentality (Not literally... Well, sometimes), where I just stopped caring, but not in a bad way. In a way that I try and cut the fat of emotional baggage and stop expending my energy as much as I used to to try and retain friendships. Regardless, the anxiety/depression, even with antidepressants, makes me feel more hurt, I think.
No matter how you look at it, my mentality is this: We're friends, right? Talk to me every once in awhile. I value my time as much as I can on this Earth, as well as the bonds I created with other people. Without socialization life can be pretty depressing - we are social creatures, whether we like it or not. So to have those bonds diminish or even seemingly disappear without reason or justification is saddening. I think most people would agree when they read and think about it this way.
MyNameIsTerry
03-05-17, 12:52
Anxiety/depresion makes all this stuff worse, we turn on ourselves questioning what we have done wrong or what is wrong with us when sometimes the answer just isn't connected to us. Someone might find people they gel with more than earlier relationships and pursue them while being less involved in the others.
It feels like you are being hard on yourself. It feels like a snub and you're wondering why. But from what I read, it feels more like you share a belief about friendships that they don't.
Perhaps it is they who have changed in this respect?
Mental health conditions can mean you spend a lot of time learning more about yourself and what is important. Many of us gain more compassion and want to be better people from it. I won't say all because I've met anxiety sufferers who have little compassion, which I believe says more about their personality.
So, what I see is a caring person with strong moral beliefs. I don't know your friends but many people in life are living from one day to the next posting endless selfies with what meal they just had and a rather materialistic & shallow mindset that lacks much depth. Some people seem to judge their lives based on how many ticks or fake friends they get on Facebook. Perhaps they haven't grown emotionally as much as you have?
A few good friends is always better than a load of aquintances.
You have strong principles regarding friendships and staying connected but I feel they just don't share that particular value as high up as you do. Similar to what MyNameIsTerry said. So misinterpretations of their behaviour would likely happen if there is an expectation that they look at relationships the same way. With this problem there's no control over anything or anyone.
Have you ever been the one who cancelled or been away from them for long periods? It seems like you are rejecting and dropping them right now by thinking these things about them not being there. No one's to blame to anything. Might just need to accept their individual space and patterns if you want them to stay around.
I'm wondering how often you may not have been there for them and what your wife says about them?
Thank you both for your replies in regards to my post - I appreciate any and all input.
I know the anxiety definitely doesn't help my situation, nor the perceptions I have in regards to friends falling away or seemingly isolating themselves away from me. I assume what friendship is has changed in their minds. I see it as seeing someone somewhat frequently, or at least staying in contact with them to a degree. "Hey, how are you?" takes a few seconds to type up in a phone. In today's day in age of technology, there is absolutely zero reason to not stay in fundamental touch with friends. It's basically social negligence to not do so... And with my anxiety, it is a deeper wound than others, as much as I hate to say that. With the TRT I've got this "**** it" mentality to a degree (Not in a bad way, if that makes sense), so when these people finally do contact me I am a bit more abrasive to at least give them an idea that I am not happy.
Honestly... I can't remember any time in recent times in which I canceled plans on someone. The last time that I can actually remember was like 3-4 years ago when my anxiety peaked, and I was having severe panic attacks and physical manifestations of anxiety so potent I would have to lay down, no matter where the environment. I remember that day, funny enough... It was a friend's birthday gathering at their home. During the day I went to a kid's family birthday party, at which my anxiety propped up I got bad chest tension, that feeling that something is stuck in your throat, heart palpitations, dizziness, etc. A lot, basically. My wife (then girlfriend) went, but I didn't. I caught some flack, but at that point I didn't care because people didn't know what I was going through. I would just say that I didn't feel well, as I knew no one would really be able to understand how crappy I felt. I felt like I was just going to die sometimes.
So that's where I stand. My wife actually talked to me about it last night, saying that I should not be short with the guy who called/texted me last night. I've been annoyed by it for some time, so I shot back by saying: "You mean the guy that I haven't seen in months? The guy that has been negligent of our friendship?" She understood and left it at that. He hasn't texted me back as of yet, and honestly I don't care.
At this point I'd rather have some close friends and less acquaintances, or at least not invest so much time in trying to deal with people who are transitioning or whom have transitioned from friend to acquaintance. I've some new friends already, so it's not like I am annoying. Whenever I talk to anyone one on one, people open up to me. This is even true for random people, co-workers, or professionals I'll see (for example, recently a doctor I saw started getting deeper into conversation with me, and I had never seen her before [she was filling in]). So, I don't feel like it has much to do with my personality at least, which is a positive thing since I'd taken it even harder personally.
I also think that I've always wanted to create, retain and grow my relationships because I know what it's like to be bullied, and I don't want anyone to ever feel the feelings that I did. In fact, I'd like the opposite, hence my viewpoint and feelings on the issue.
Honestly, at this point I don't even want to be in his wedding party. I've been in two wedding parties already (one as a best man), and the costs and such are pretty high. Weddings in general are costly for guests as it is at times. New clothes sometimes, hotel, gift, potential travel expenses, misc. expenses, etc. Wedding party? Definitely need a special attire you need to pay like $200 for, bachelor party expenses (several hundred), plus all of the aforementioned. I don't know... To spend all of that for someone that can't call me once a month or even once every other month, that's not very enticing to me.
Oh, and am I a douche for this? I said it before, but my wife and I do NOT believe in engagement parties. We think the idea of having a party and demanding gifts is tacky and just too much for guests. We saved for our wedding as much as we could and got some help from my parents - we never took a dime prior to the wedding from anyone else. In fact, we did have a get together at her parent's house for our engagement. We didn't ask for presents, just their presence (Yes, I should write for Hallmark). It was just fun, drinking games, and a good time. I think someone got us some wedding magazines and small stuff, but we didn't want anything really. This guy that I am talking about had his engagement party at a restaurant both of them used to work at in town. Not high end; it's actually a brewery with a restaurant. Upstairs they do catering and fun stuff, so that's where it was. My wife and I got them a card, but only I could make it (wife had work). In the card? Nothing. No money; it just contained some congratulatory writing. The idea that you're supposed to throw in money prior to the wedding at these engagement parties and THEN pay more as a gift at the wedding? Obscene, in my opinion. Then take into account other expenses - bachelor/bachelorette party, bridal shower, housewarming party (assuming you get a residence - we didn't), etc. I feel bad, but my wife and I work hard and aren't made of money. We're not poor, but we can't afford a house and have bills and other important expenditures, so throwing money at people who have become more acquaintances for an event we don't even believe giving money for (engagement party) is not something we wanted to do. I do feel bad, because I dressed a bit tacky.
Nah... I understand as I personally wouldn't bother with engagement parties and all that any time soon!
I'm gonna agree with your wife here. Her judgement on this is very sane and I respect her opinion. You are still feeling angry and let down but you snapped and took it out on her. She is your friend for sure. You are entitled to have your hurt negative feelings but tell her she's right whilst you process them within your own personal space.
Its not wrong to feel the way you just feel but its the reaction to those feelings that matters. I know what its like to think you're right but its really not the most important thing in the world to be right all the time. It becomes a repetitive game then it ruins relationships and makes them one sided.
You let on how you felt to your friend, which means they kind of won in the "have I won or did they win this time?" game. It wastes valuable energy on them and gives away your own power to them. You can control and decide how you would like to use the passion and anger that you are feeling. Maybe to build up those new friendships or put the energy into positive changes somewhere else in your life?
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