hun
03-05-17, 22:41
Hello everyone. New to the forums and honestly only made an account to try and connect with anyone who can help me out.
If you don't want to read everything, but still want to help, I have put a TL;DR at the bottom.
I am only 19 and have grown up with GAD and a Panic Disorder; both of which began to impact me from the age of 5 but I was always an anxious child. Up to now, having these issues has just ruined the first two decades of my life.
It resulted in pure misery throughout Primary School, where I would periodically collapse in classes due to panic attacks - a condition that made me a target for social ostracisation. It made High School painful to cope with and eventually drove me to be hospitalised and taught in the local Hospital School, in exclusion, before I sat my GCSEs. Eventually, after a year out, I got into sixth-form college, but I later dropped out in November (before I got kicked out) because I wasn't managing to attend enough classes.
I have never been able to be comfortable 24/7 and despite all the therapy and medication I have been given, nothing has ever eradicated the conditions or suppressed them to a point where I can just move on in life or cope on my own. If I am going to have a Panic Attack, it is going to happen and aggressively. It could last for hours without the right people being available to calm me down. My parents have always been the only two people capable of doing so.
Now, this is where it gets complicated. For months, I had not had any problems. I concluded that educational environments and the strains that came alongside education was what was triggering me, so I continued with work and hobbies without any issues.
It seemed as though I was ready to start getting myself set up with the career I had always wanted and, miraculously, I have potentially got the opportunity to work with an amazing company, in the heart of London, doing exactly what I want to do. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yet, once again, everything has flooded back:
I have had to leave work early (in the first hour or two) four times in the last two weeks thanks to fluctuating levels of anxiety that are causing severe, prolonged tunnel vision. No use for my job because I am on my feet and moving around a lot.
I have been having yelling fits and bouts of anxious thoughts (usually about death) whenever I am trying to fall asleep, leaving me forcing myself to stay awake until I am so tired I just pass out on the sofa. This is obviously creating further issues, making it impossible for me to wake up in the mornings (so I am missing work) and even harder to sleep at normal times as my sleeping pattern keeps rotating.
To make this all even worse, I had a full on Panic Attack in a supermarket that left me just freaking out next to some toothbrushes for 30 minutes. Thinking about it, I start wondering what I would have done if my dad hadn't been with me? If that had happened in London, 250 miles away from home? It might never have stopped. Then what? Would the supermarket have to call in paramedics to remove me from the premises? Would I have ended up hurting myself by running or starting a subconscious fight to defend myself? Would I have had to be hospitalised again? How long until my employer would get shut of me?
I know, for one individual, I have a ridiculous amount of talent and potential. I am intelligent and creative but these two conditions are stopping me from going anywhere. I don't deserve this and I want a life. Being strapped to my parents forever is not an option and is crippling my progress in the world.
What can I seriously do? I am so lost right now.
A TL;DR for those who want to help but don't want to read everything:
1. I have struggled for a long time with anxiety, my panic disorder and depression - 12 years, approximately.
2. In the past, medication and therapy has not helped. I have always had to rely upon my parents when I have needed to calm down. When I have tried to reject their help, to manage on my own, it has only resulted in prolonged Panic Attacks lasting hours.
3. Everything has been good for 10-12 months and panic levels have been low and manageable. I concluded that education must have been what was causing the high-levels of anxiety.
4. Pursued a job in London, 250 miles away, to work in the industry I love. Am doing really well with the interviews and feel confident I will get the job.
5. Suddenly, panic attacks have returned and I am getting sick and tired of it. I just want to move on because I am really talented. Being stuck living with my parents for life really scares me and sacrificing everything I have ever wanted due to some dumb panic attacks, that might never affect me again, really breaks me up.
6. Worst panic attack that happened recently was while I was shopping with my dad and, in retrospect, I realise if that were to happen while I was on my own in a large city, like London, I'd be in a really dangerous and lonely position. I am not sure how that would even be dealt with. Would someone have to call paramedics to get me home? Could I be mugged or attacked while I am vulnerable? Might my workplace end up firing me if anything like that happened too regularly while I was at work?
Questions:
What should I do? Give up on this job and try again another year once I am more certain I could cope?
What can I do to help myself? Is there anything that is accessible for me? Schemes that help those with debilitating panic disorders live independently? Nurses? Therapy dogs? Travelling live-in psychiatrists? House share options?
I don't know! I just want to move on without killing myself (not literally, I mean that figuratively).
Thanks for any discussion this results in.
If you don't want to read everything, but still want to help, I have put a TL;DR at the bottom.
I am only 19 and have grown up with GAD and a Panic Disorder; both of which began to impact me from the age of 5 but I was always an anxious child. Up to now, having these issues has just ruined the first two decades of my life.
It resulted in pure misery throughout Primary School, where I would periodically collapse in classes due to panic attacks - a condition that made me a target for social ostracisation. It made High School painful to cope with and eventually drove me to be hospitalised and taught in the local Hospital School, in exclusion, before I sat my GCSEs. Eventually, after a year out, I got into sixth-form college, but I later dropped out in November (before I got kicked out) because I wasn't managing to attend enough classes.
I have never been able to be comfortable 24/7 and despite all the therapy and medication I have been given, nothing has ever eradicated the conditions or suppressed them to a point where I can just move on in life or cope on my own. If I am going to have a Panic Attack, it is going to happen and aggressively. It could last for hours without the right people being available to calm me down. My parents have always been the only two people capable of doing so.
Now, this is where it gets complicated. For months, I had not had any problems. I concluded that educational environments and the strains that came alongside education was what was triggering me, so I continued with work and hobbies without any issues.
It seemed as though I was ready to start getting myself set up with the career I had always wanted and, miraculously, I have potentially got the opportunity to work with an amazing company, in the heart of London, doing exactly what I want to do. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yet, once again, everything has flooded back:
I have had to leave work early (in the first hour or two) four times in the last two weeks thanks to fluctuating levels of anxiety that are causing severe, prolonged tunnel vision. No use for my job because I am on my feet and moving around a lot.
I have been having yelling fits and bouts of anxious thoughts (usually about death) whenever I am trying to fall asleep, leaving me forcing myself to stay awake until I am so tired I just pass out on the sofa. This is obviously creating further issues, making it impossible for me to wake up in the mornings (so I am missing work) and even harder to sleep at normal times as my sleeping pattern keeps rotating.
To make this all even worse, I had a full on Panic Attack in a supermarket that left me just freaking out next to some toothbrushes for 30 minutes. Thinking about it, I start wondering what I would have done if my dad hadn't been with me? If that had happened in London, 250 miles away from home? It might never have stopped. Then what? Would the supermarket have to call in paramedics to remove me from the premises? Would I have ended up hurting myself by running or starting a subconscious fight to defend myself? Would I have had to be hospitalised again? How long until my employer would get shut of me?
I know, for one individual, I have a ridiculous amount of talent and potential. I am intelligent and creative but these two conditions are stopping me from going anywhere. I don't deserve this and I want a life. Being strapped to my parents forever is not an option and is crippling my progress in the world.
What can I seriously do? I am so lost right now.
A TL;DR for those who want to help but don't want to read everything:
1. I have struggled for a long time with anxiety, my panic disorder and depression - 12 years, approximately.
2. In the past, medication and therapy has not helped. I have always had to rely upon my parents when I have needed to calm down. When I have tried to reject their help, to manage on my own, it has only resulted in prolonged Panic Attacks lasting hours.
3. Everything has been good for 10-12 months and panic levels have been low and manageable. I concluded that education must have been what was causing the high-levels of anxiety.
4. Pursued a job in London, 250 miles away, to work in the industry I love. Am doing really well with the interviews and feel confident I will get the job.
5. Suddenly, panic attacks have returned and I am getting sick and tired of it. I just want to move on because I am really talented. Being stuck living with my parents for life really scares me and sacrificing everything I have ever wanted due to some dumb panic attacks, that might never affect me again, really breaks me up.
6. Worst panic attack that happened recently was while I was shopping with my dad and, in retrospect, I realise if that were to happen while I was on my own in a large city, like London, I'd be in a really dangerous and lonely position. I am not sure how that would even be dealt with. Would someone have to call paramedics to get me home? Could I be mugged or attacked while I am vulnerable? Might my workplace end up firing me if anything like that happened too regularly while I was at work?
Questions:
What should I do? Give up on this job and try again another year once I am more certain I could cope?
What can I do to help myself? Is there anything that is accessible for me? Schemes that help those with debilitating panic disorders live independently? Nurses? Therapy dogs? Travelling live-in psychiatrists? House share options?
I don't know! I just want to move on without killing myself (not literally, I mean that figuratively).
Thanks for any discussion this results in.