Moles....and well, just about everything else

[Cocobro1015]

Ok everyone, I've lurked for years and finally feel the need to post

This is gonna be a long one but I hope someone else who is feeling this way reads this and knows they're not alone.

My health anxiety started a few years ago during a stressful time in my life. It began with twitching all over my body, which Dr. Google told me was ALS. This was also during the ice bucket challenge. I was able to let that go after a miserable week and did not experience other health related anxiety issues for another 6 months or so. Then came lymphoma, mouth cancer, brain cancer, cervical cancer (for no reason other than anxiety over pap results), and then anxiety over earthquakes (not health related but something I can't control) and then it stopped. I think because work became intesnse, rewarding, and a distraction. I was mostly free of health related worries with the exception of an anxious undertone so to speak, like I was waiting for symptoms to appear or get worse.
I got engaged in December and it was the happiest day of my life. Two days later I had some mild abdominal pain that persisted and so I decided I had ovarian cancer. After a blood test and ultrasound showed I was a-ok, I was ecstatic and enjoyed life for another month and a half.
While my fiancé was away on a trip (a huge anxiety trigger, I'm always a mess when he is gone) some light cramping came back. It was relieved by well, ya know...going to the bathroom. But the negative thoughts persisted.
The day after he got home, I got my period a couple days early and started freaking out. Called my obgyn and through talking to her realized I took my pill a day late. Still the anxiety was there.

Here's where the latest episode started.
That night in mid march, iI was looking at moles on my body and realized one on my stomach looked a little funny and couldn't help but google melanoma. Great. I found a picture of my stomach three years earlier and it was barely there. Full on panic mode. Long story short, made an appt with a derm and he biopsied it and it came back benign. I was relieved but soon was jumping to other things. In the time between now and then, throat cancer, lung cancer, leukemia, kidney cancer, colon cancer, and more moles even after being screened.
I was truly good for a week...no issues except that lurking "undertone". Then after some anxiety build up over the hubby being out of town again, I started scanning and decided 3 of my moles needed to be looked at AGAIN. Went back to my derm, he looked at 2 and said they were totally fine. Then I brought up a darker one on my back and he was like, yeahhh let's cut that out because it's pretty dark. Just as a precautionary measure. Of course, that's not what I hear. I started asking all kinds of questions and he kept saying "this mole I think has been here for a long one, the only thing I don't like is the pigment. Nothing else about it matches the abcde's. I just want to be proactive because you have some sun damage and have used tanning beds". So he took it out that day and now I'm awaiting the results. He said it was a fairly deep mole but that was normal for moles like the one I had but I can't stop thinking the worst case scenario. I'm a miserable wreck. Can't work. Can't sleep. Can't function. I can't stop thinking about leaving my family behind and it tears me apart. I even called the derm back for more reassurance and he said "it's normal for some moles to have deeper pigment, that's what we're dealing with. I highly highly doubt this is cancer" I think I've had the mole for a while but I never paid attention till recently so I don't know. Either way, I can't take what he's saying and feel any comfort. I've read so many horror stories and I'm just terrified and would love some reassurance :( sorry for the novel

[Mindprison]

Dermatologists (or any specialist in general) look at these ailments day in and day out. Over the years they've gotten to know which ones are most likely to be malignant and those which aren't. As he said, it makes sense to take it out as a proactive measure and not because there's anything wrong with it.

You look on the internet and you'll find a horror story about anything. It's like I say to anyone here who says that they've done "research". Googling is not researching, looking on the internet in general is a bad idea because you'll find more negative things about what you're searching than good.

Health anxiety starts small and snowballs into something big, if you let it. Right now you're on the cusp of falling down the reassurance cycle rabbit hole, so i'll say one thing to hopefully bring you back before you do fall in.

You are not a doctor. You have no idea what you're looking for or probably even know what could be considered as suspicious. And the internet sure as hell doesn't know either. An example? Type this into google: "How many fingers" and the first result is "How many fingers do we have?" Now, is that the kind of thing you want to follow medical advice from or would you be better listening to the guy who spent most of his life practicing medicine? :D

You've seen a derm, the most qualified person possible to diagnose moles and they have said there's nothing to worry about, please accept his diagnosis and try to work on your underlying anxiety levels. The longer you leave it, the more likely you are to get caught up in the reassurance cycle and believe me, once you're there it's hard to get out of it.

Good luck!

[Cocobro1015]

Thank you so much for the reply, seriously. I have started therapy and it seems to help but being alone today is just hard. I'm trying to get a handle on this awful vicious cycle. It feels like it will never end.

[Mindprison]

Of course, no problem. Give the therapy some time and you'll start feeling better about things, anxiety can be hard to beat but you're taking all the right steps to getting rid of it. I've had an anxiety disorder for about 10 years now with 2 relapses. It gets better and it never lasts, so don't worry about that.