View Full Version : Struggling with Grief and Anxiety
After losing my mum 2 months ago, I have been struggling with my anxiety, especially health anxiety and coping with bereavement.
I seem to be worse now then when my mum passed away.
I am trying to get on with my life, but I seem to be carrying so much pain, guilt and worry. It is affecting my anxiety and I just feel scared about everything! It also has dug up my grief about my dad, who I lost 3 years ago and the anniversary of his death was last weekend.
I don't have much contact with the outside world, but I do force myself to go in to Town and manage to chat to a few people, but I don't have anyone to talk to about the way I feel. I do have a partner, but he just doesn't get how I feel or how difficult I am finding coping with day to day life. If truth be known, I am now worrying about him as well.
I seem to be worrying about EVERYTHING! And I have to point out that I am a trier and fighter and not one to give up, but I have this feeling of dread and a big black cloud hanging over me.
I miss my mum terribly and feel I let her down.
I know time is a healer and all that, but when anxiety comes in to play as well, it just makes it so much harder.
I don't expect anyone to wave a magic wand and it is probably something I have to overcome myself, but maybe there is someone out there that has been through this and could show some light to me.
I have become so weepy and frightened lately and find myself angry with a lot of things in life and I want to start building a new life for myself, but feel helpless as to what to do. My paranoia has become more apparent and I worry I am heading for a downward spiral.
Apologies for the long post, but if nothing else, it helps me to get all of this out of my system.
I'm sorry I have few words as usual Carnation, I've never experienced grief luckily. However I didn't want to read and run as you've responded to me many times before in my hour of need.
Could you possibly be feeling depressed as well as anxious? I ask as you state you feel you let your mother down, which makes me feel you are experiencing guilt, which can be a sign of depression and is one of my personal biggest factors when I'm feeling particularly low. However I know guilt is also one of the stages of grief. I highly doubt you've ever let your mother down, you were there for her no matter what and I've no doubt she knew that.
It's really hard not having people to talk to in the 'real world' and it's a shame your partner just doesn't understand it as we're often most closest to our other halves. I'm sure somebody else will be along soon with better advice.
I am sure you are right KeeKee. Depression could be the factor here.
My duties are over with my mum and I am surely at a loss in more ways than one.
I always seem better when I have another person in play to look after and rarely look after myself, which I find the most difficult task of all.
The first two weeks of mum passing was taken up hugely with funeral tasks and there were many people phoning. But now that has all passed and everyone is getting on with their own lives again. It is an empty feeling I have now.
It's so nice of you to reply anyway and I appreciate it. x
I understand. Grief affects everyone differently but it does affect us. For me, losing my mother and for all intents and purposes, losing the wife I knew, it's been more of just survival mode interspersed with sadness and a hell of a lot of frustration. I don't worry too much but it's certainly stressful dealing with the everyday aspects of life, financial issues and the like on top of being a caregiver.
I spoke to my sister the other day and came to the realization that I haven't really mourned my mother's death yet. Sooner or later that will come to be and pass. For now though... it's one foot in front of the other and work my butt off to maintain a positive attitude ;)
As far as the light at the end of the tunnel? It's always there Carnation. You just have to look around a little more sometimes. Once you see it, it's persistence and effort but you will come through the other side :) And as I've been advised, look after yourself. Take a few moments occasionally to just chill. I took that advice the last few weeks and it's helped tremendously (I went fishing and we had a fresh trout dinner to boot!)
Positive thoughts
t0rt01se36
05-05-17, 14:57
Hello Carnation.
I agree that guilt is all part of the grieving process and can relate to feeling lost once i'd phoned and emailed people, regarding my Dad's death this year.
I also feel like I've let my Family down.
Feels awful knowing that people's lives are carrying on as normal and even though people care about my welfare, I don't get to see many people.
I'm here if you want to chat through PM, Carnation.
Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
Your words are oh so true FMP and I give the same advice that I am asking for now. :wacko: I think there is an overwhelming feeling of being alone or being deserted in my case. I think about regrets, that maybe normal, but I do know that I have always done my up most to do the right thing and try my hardest under any circumstances.
I don't think I have been getting that 'Me' time, which is something I have to pay more attention to. So easy to give advice and not take it yourself, eh?
Funny, we nearly had trout last night for dinner too. :D
---------- Post added at 15:20 ---------- Previous post was at 15:04 ----------
Thank you t0rt01se36.
When I am out a bout, I don't like to harp on about losing my mum or how I am feeling and keep my grief to myself and mostly in private. Except for the Forum of course.
I do struggle with the thoughts that I let my mum down and try to think logically about it being her time to go, but my brain tries to tell me something different.
I'm a very sensitive and emotional person anyway, but I try not to torture myself and watch a lot of comedy on TV and do nice things if I can, but it's a struggle not to waver in to those thoughts of guilt and regrets.
I can't keep busy constantly to keep my mind off these thoughts as it would be exhausting, but sitting and relaxing triggers depression.
Thank you for your offer of PM. x
snowghost57
05-05-17, 16:09
I can totally understand your pain and grief
I lost my mother unexpectedly when I was 26, she was 46. The last time I saw her was on my birthday. She was a heavy smoker and the doctor told her "Quit smoking and you will live a few more years or keep smoking and you will not see Spring." My father was rationing her cigarettes. This was in the 80's, I knew we had a family of depression, sadly back then we did not have the medication and therapists that we have today. I went over to my parents to see them and my daughter told me "grandma" was stealing cigarettes out of my purse. I was upset with her and when I kissed her good bye I was angry. Three days later my dad called me up to tell me she was gone. My birthday is on December 15, she died December 18 and we buried her on the 21st, 4 days before Christmas, I even had presents for her. The last time I saw her alive I was angry?
Trust me when I say I understand your guilt. I was consumed with it. I learned to focus on the happy times we had together. I spent a lot of time with family and friends that understood. I met other people that had lost their mother. Have you tried seeking help with a grief counselor? It really helps to get your feelings off you chest. Mother's Day is celebrated in my country on the second Sunday of May. Everyday holiday I think of her and grieve. Christmas is still a difficult holiday for me. I never knew that 25 years later, that my brother would die of a heart attack on December 22, 2015. What is with my family wanting to die near Christmas? Trust me, time WILL heal your pain, you will always carry your mother in your heart. If you like to chat in PM feel free to contact me. It is difficult to cope with the pain, but you WILL get through this. Try to find a hobby, reach out to friends, post on here, do anything that will help you stay busy and don't focus on the sadness. Death is a part of life. It is difficult but you will get through it.:hugs:
SnowGhost, I can't even begin to know how you must have felt at such a young age and the story you told me was so sad. :hugs:
Mother's Day was very difficult for me this year as I had planned quite a special day for her, which she obviously never made. And, I hate to think how Christmas is going to be this year. It was bad enough my mum being in a home last year.
I think a grief counsellor is a good idea. I still carry guilt with my dad as I had my breakdown a month before he died and I often think that If I had not had my breakdown, he would still be alive today. I felt that I had deserted him, but I was in such a bad way, I was hardly living myself.
In a way, I don't really understand why I feel worse now than 2 months ago when she died. I cried a whole load of tears solidly for 2 weeks. I'm not crying all the time, but I feel very, very sad and bad about everything.
I'm doing a lot to occupy myself. I do a vast amount of gardening, cookery, walking and getting out everyday. And I am still part caring for my partner's mum, who is disabled with dementia. (I must admit, that is not helping me, because I want MY mum to be alive, plus I am still tied to caring).
I don't like to bother people I know with the way I feel and half of me thinks that I am just boring them with my troubles.
Thank you for the offer of PM anyway. x
Carnation I know it isn't anywhere near the same thing, but it took me around 2 months to cry over my relationship breakdown, I honestly believe I was so shocked and numb that I couldn't feel the pain it caused. I think a grief counsellor is a great idea for you.
Hi Carnation :D.
Yes I am also struggling with everything at the moment, I am feeling lost,lonely and just scraping by, I don't tell too many people about how I feel so I can feel your pain.Having lost my mum,dad,husband,sister and my precious daughter I often wonder what I have done in life to deserve all this pain,it is hard there isn't a day goes by without shedding a tear,i have had grief counseling which has helped in a way but I still ask Why!.
I cover my sadness with humour and being like the court jester,
in a way that's how I cope with it all,moving interstate hasn't helped leaving the memories of a once happy healthy home is hard. Remember you are a strong woman and you will be ok,it takes time,be kind on yourself.
Karina xx.:hugs:.
Oh Flipp :hugs:
I worked out the 'humour' coping method ages ago with you.
It's almost unreal, but it is real.
I feel quite pathetic when you have lost so many close ones in such a short space of time. There are no words really for what you have been through.
But, I am so pleased you stayed around on the Forum.
I think it does help with support and the odd occasional laugh with your friends with no faces on here. It cuts the loneliness that clouds us on many days.
I'd certainly be lost without the support. x
Carnation, in 2014, I found the body of my best friend. His death was unexpected and traumatic to say the least. To make a long story short, my anxiety (which I had always suffered from since I was small) went through the roof. Any of us with innate anxiety will always find it getting worse after stresses in our lives, whether they be positive or negative. I developed PTSD. One of the best decisions I ever made (and wish I had done faster) was to go to grief counseling.
I was in individual grief counseling and group grief counseling. I think group grief counseling helped me the most. I learned that there are some people dealing with much worse than me (like Flipp), but we all struggle through the same feelings of guilt, remorse, questioning, etc. It's made me feel more thankful for my blessings. It made me feel less alone.
Getting through the first year was the worst. All of the "firsts" that you have without that person in your life are tough. Now it's been almost three years and time does make it better. Do I still have PTSD flare ups? Sure. I also have days here and there where the feelings of grief and the memories can be overwhelming, but they are much fewer and far between.
I have also been on medication to help with the physical symptoms of anxiety (Lexapro), and I have emergency benzos for some really tough days when I'm triggered, but like I said before, they happen much less now.
((hugs)) to you all
Vee
Hi Carnation, Just thought I would say a few words. I cannot help you by telling you what to do to help with your anxiety and stress.
It won't make any difference. You are you and you and deal with it in your own way.
It will be two years since my daughter died on the 18th of this month.
It does not get any better for me. I don't sit and cry about it.
I just feel physically unwell. I cannot plan anything the day before, because I might not be able to do what I had planned to do on the day I wanted to.
Luckily I have my younger daughter and a beautiful g/daughter, who keep me on my toes so to speak. Also I have my hubby. Who is still heart broken.
My hubby has also lost a dear friend recently.
Both my parents died in the 1970s. I have one sister left out of six children my Mum had.
You have MrCs mother to look after.I hope all goes well with you both.:hugs:
Just want to say Howdy to flipp, and send all my love to everyone on this thread.
My mind (brain) not working very well this minute.
Don't you find you do stupid things when your mind gets fuddled???
For Magic :hugs: x
I'm so pleased you get some joy from your other daughter and g/daughter.
I'm always doing stupid things Magic, I call it brain overload!
Antsyvee, you bring up a very good point about 'firsts'.
I'm sure this will be the hardest year with my mum.
I had already bought her birthday card ahead of time because I saw it and it was pretty, I had to get it. But, they say to never tempt fate.
I had a freaky moment at the funeral where I turned to Mr C and tugged at his jacket pleading for him to check to see if mum was still alive. "She might be in a coma", I thought. I later found out from the Funeral Directors, that this is a quite a common thought. That's why a funeral is helpful with some closure.
Sorry everyone, I'm getting to morbid. I'd really like to find my identity again, because most of my life revolved around my mum and it is difficult to start considering yourself after decades of being there for someone.
I'm still dealing with paperwork, which seems to go on forever. :(
Thank you everyone for your replies, I feel a bit better already just sharing how I feel and knowing that others have been through grief too. x :hugs:
snowghost57
06-05-17, 17:29
You are not boring anyone. What you are experiencing is normal. I really think a grief counselor will help. Even after 25 years I still grieve for my mother. Spring was her favorite time of year, I think of her all of the time, my youngest daughter never got to meet her, mom wasn't there when I got married etc. There are so many events that make me think of her. If I let my thoughts wander, I will end up in tears. I saved this poem onto my lap top and when I think of my mother I remember these words, I hope you find comfort in them as I do.
Your Mother is always with you.......
She is the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street,
she's the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well, she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your mother lives inside of your laughter, she's the place you came from, your first home, and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first friend, even your first enemy but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space...............not even death.
Author unknown.
Snowghost, the poem is beautiful and oh so true. :weep:
I feel so bad about those mother/daughter arguments now and when I got sharp with her ringing me all the time, but in the same breath, she gave me the run around and called many shots over my life.
At least I was lucky enough to hear my mum tell me that she loved me very much towards the end, so none of that really mattered anymore.
I spent most of my life around my mum, so that's the disadvantage of being so close to someone. It's a big wrench in your life.
snowghost57
06-05-17, 19:20
I can understand. My mother suffered from depression and would call me daily at work. We would only talk for a few minutes as I knew it was company policy not to have personal phone calls at work. When she passed, I was really angry with my boss and felt like telling them off. My dad told me that for some reason the telephone calls really seemed to perk her up. I was never good in math or English but I love to paint and draw, my mother was the one that encouraged me to pursue my art. She was my rock and I hers. I understand being close to your mother. I can still remember when she lost so much weight, we hugged and I told her I was afraid she was going to die, she laughed and said she wouldn't, she was gone 3 months later. We can't dwell on the bad parts of life, we all have disagreements, it's part of life. You must make yourself focus on the happy times. I don't know if you ever heard of the stages of grief, this is something a therapist can help you with. You lost your dad 3 years ago? That's a lot for anyone to endure. You will get through this!
I had a freaky moment at the funeral where I turned to Mr C and tugged at his jacket pleading for him to check to see if mum was still alive. "She might be in a coma", I thought. I later found out from the Funeral Directors, that this is a quite a common thought. That's why a funeral is helpful with some closure.
This is very common. I learned since that it is a PTSD symptom. Before I went what I went through, I thought PTSD was really only something sexual assault victims, car accident victims and veterans went through. I didn't realize it can extend to loss. Any loss that's unexpected can cause trauma. Even some losses that are expected can cause trauma. Some caring for their sick friend or relative can develop a fear or hospitals or doctors or become consumed with their own health (as we see some of the health anxiety people on here have). That's anxiety caused by trauma--PTSD.
I went through this period of time after my friend died where I had to call everyone or have them call me to make sure they were still alive. I was making my father call me after he got home from playing tennis. I was making my husband call me and tell me he got to the store all right. In my mind my grief-stricken reasoning was saying, if a 32 year old man can die by accident in his home, what could happen next? Be on alert for everything!!
One of the hardest parts of working through grief is dealing with those uncertainties that life brings. But one of the greatest things about talking to others dealing with grief is that we're all dealing with the same worries and feelings. It's okay, and it's a normal part of the process.
Carrie8484
07-05-17, 14:16
Hi Carnation :bighug1:
The first thing that came into my head reading your message was how everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. You have probably heard of the several stages of grief? I wont go into details here but a quick google search will bring it up. There are no rules when it comes to mourning a loved one, but you will probably feel every one of these stages at certain points over the coming months and even years. The problem we have, suffering with anxiety and some depression, is that we take things even more to heart and possibly have an even harder time moving on from sad and tragic events if that is possible.
You were, and still are a wonderful daughter. You could not have done any more for your mum and you didn't need to! Although that won't take away the feeling of loss and sadness, I think you should be proud of how you handled your mums ills over the years and she was lucky to have a daughter like you.
Coping with the hollow feeling in your life won't remedy itself overnight, but now it is time to put YOU first. as others have said, talk if you need to, there are online communities for those suffering with grief if you dont feel like going to a physical meet up (those exist too).
But it'd also be nice to hear about you doing something you want to do. I really feel you deserve to give yourself a break xxx
Snowghost, my mum was definitely suffering from depression and she may have even had a minor stroke without me even realising it.
I wasn't aware about the different stages of grief, so I have looked it up and I now have more understanding over it.
Carrie, you are right. With Anxiety coupled with bereavement, it's a double wammy. :(
I have a neighbour who is a therapist and she told me about the stages too.
I very rarely do things for me and one of my problems is I don't think I deserve it.
It is kind of you to say I was a good daughter, I only did what I thought I should do anyway.
Antsyvee, I know exactly what you are saying. I suffered PTSD after an accident and some other events in my life. You seem to kick in to a survival mode when dealing with a situation and then something just seems to hit you.
I had prepared from my mum's death for many months and I was told by a Doctor several times that she did not have long, and then she began to improve and my mind set obviously changed. It really mucks up the brain for coping skills. The same with my dad. He went within 48hrs and there was no time to say goodbye, but at least with my mum, I always treated my time with her like it was the last; obviously without her knowing. My mum was a bit of joker too. Once in hospital she said, "Don't look at me like that, I'm not ready to go yet!".
I just wake up in the morning and can't believe she has gone.
I've even talk to one of the photos I have of her and I sort of know what her answer would be. I get on with my routine everyday and then bloody anxiety reminds me that I am then fearful of everything again. I try to rationalise everything, but then the physical symptoms come in to paly and then I get depressed about everything and start blubbing over my mum.
Mr C just doesn't know what to do with me and I don't know what to do with myself.
I have phoned 'Cruse', but when anxiety is the mix as well, they probably would not understand. I finished with my therapist who happens to be a bereavement counsellor as well, but maybe I should hook up her again. I will contact her tomorrow.
My other problem is that I am so aware of death and my health anxiety has spiralled out of control and like you say Antsyvee, I am super sensitive to everyone's safety and wellbeing.
I really appreciate everyone's comments and it has helped me a lot. x :hugs:
What I found out is that I was suffering from PTSD caused by grief; some specialists call it "complicated grief." Basically before the death of my best friend, I had lost a coworker, and I had never really dealt with that. Then when I lost my best friend, all the stuff that I had not dealt with before, plus his death, just compounded all my issues. Based on what you say, I wonder if you might be in the same situation.
A book that really helped me about PTSD, that I used with my therapist, is called
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk. Another book that helped me, strangely, was reading Sue Klebold's
A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy (https://www.google.com/search?safe=strict&biw=1525&bih=736&q=A+Mother%27s+Reckoning&stick=H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgVuLVT9c3NEzOqUxOji-oBAAX-Q1aEQAAAA). When you're in the cycle of grief, sometimes it's hard to see the way out, and when I read about what she had to go through, the suicide of her son plus the fact that he murdered so many people, it helped me put my grief into perspective. I know it seems weird, but it helped.
((hugs)) to you
Vee
Hi carnation , sorry I didn't see your thread and that you are struggling , it's been such a short time since you lost her I doubt it has even sunk in yet , it was about 8 months after my dad died that it hit me I wouldn't see him again I think it was because it was Christmas and he just wouldn't be there and for quite a while after I would see people who looked like him and question if he had really gone even though I saw him go , I also felt guilt that I brought him home from hospital when he had been misdiagnosed , you did so much for her towards the end and you've given so much of your life to her , you are alive and deserve a good life of your own , stop punishing your self you are a good person , take care , and you flip flop x :hugs::hugs:
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