View Full Version : Please tell me what to do
I just tried again to tell my mum over the phone about the problems I'm having. I'm at uni, and am getting steadily more depressed and anxious. Its happened before and she knows what I get like.
She told me to stop whining, that it is in my character not to have any friends, that I should be happy like I was before and that I need to change my attitude. I've never been so depressed.
She said that unless I start sounding more cheerful she's going to stop phoning me:weep:
I find it really hard to talk to her because last year when I told her for the first time about my problems she took me to a psychiatrist but then undermined everything I told her so that I got diagnosed as psychotic rather than anxious and was almost institutionalised. I love her very much and have completely forgiven her for everything, ever but find it very hard to be open with her. I try, and she throws it back in my face. She just doesn't understand.
She disapproves of my friends that I phone at home (ok, they're a lot older than me, but that's because it's who I met while I was working during my gap year and because of what I've been through, I find the shallow ways of the majority of students difficult to relate to). They are the most fantastic friends I could ever hope to meet, but she is still paying for my phone bills, she knows the number of my best friend that she hates and will hit the roof if her number appears on my phone too many times.
I'm stuck at uni, having all my support links taken away. My GP is awful.
What do I do?:weep:
groovygranny
02-05-07, 21:45
Oh Ponylover, what a dreaful situation.
I'm hoping it's because your mum doesn't know how to handle this herself that she's being like this.
Is there anyone else in the family that you could talk to?
Or a counsellor at Uni maybe? I'm sure these places have support workers for occasions such as this.
The ideal situation would be for you and her to see another GP together. That way she would see that you're genuinely depressed and anxious not psychotic. And maybe then she might be realise that she's not coping to well with things either. But ideal situations rarely come about I know.
I really can't tell you what you should do, I'm certainly no expert and this is all just my opinion, but I would try and find out where the support groups are at Uni - and change your GP as soon as is possible.
You know you can always talk here - there's always somebody around.
Feel free to PM me if you want ok?
big hugs for you :hugs::hugs::hugs:
Get to see your Uni counsellors. They are usually great and wil help you. Sounds like you have a quite a few issues of setting in at Uni/friends and your mother. Please see some-one because there is no need to be alone in this x
Thanks, both of you. Especially for the :hugs: GG, they were appreciated:flowers:
I am waiting on an appointment to see the Uni counsellors, it's just a case of them offering me a time that I can actually make (science student...lectures, labs, etc etc etc) and I agree that will help.
I just can't believe how insensitive she's being. Even if she can't understand, she could at least try a little harder. I really don't want to be here, but unless she realises that I'm not coping she's never going to be able to accept me making the decision to leave.
I'm in a catch 22 situation though because in order for her to believe that I'm not coping I have to completely hit the rails...and I'm afraid I'm just not willing to do that again. I'm fighting urges not to eat, sleep etc the ENTIRE time. It would be so easy to stop fighting. But I WONT:mad: :mad: not just to prove a point. I just with she'd believe what I say.
Keep going
02-05-07, 22:51
I just tried again to tell my mum over the phone about the problems I'm having. I'm at uni, and am getting steadily more depressed and anxious. Its happened before and she knows what I get like.
She told me to stop whining, that it is in my character not to have any friends, that I should be happy like I was before and that I need to change my attitude. I've never been so depressed.
She said that unless I start sounding more cheerful she's going to stop phoning me:weep:
I find it really hard to talk to her because last year when I told her for the first time about my problems she took me to a psychiatrist but then undermined everything I told her so that I got diagnosed as psychotic rather than anxious and was almost institutionalised. I love her very much and have completely forgiven her for everything, ever but find it very hard to be open with her. I try, and she throws it back in my face. She just doesn't understand.
She disapproves of my friends that I phone at home (ok, they're a lot older than me, but that's because it's who I met while I was working during my gap year and because of what I've been through, I find the shallow ways of the majority of students difficult to relate to). They are the most fantastic friends I could ever hope to meet, but she is still paying for my phone bills, she knows the number of my best friend that she hates and will hit the roof if her number appears on my phone too many times.
I'm stuck at uni, having all my support links taken away. My GP is awful.
What do I do?:weep:
I think the key here is don't get downhearted. your goin through a rough patch. we all have them stay positive. go see the unversity councillor. they are brilliant people and will put your mind at ease. as for your mother, sometimes it takes time for them to understand what your goin through. your gp should refer to the local mental health team, which deal with this. in the end he's just a gp and may not understand what your goin through. also friends are friends what ever age u are. please feel free to pm me as i'm your friend too.
stu:yesyes:
Thanks Stu.
I've just found out that I won't be able to see a counsellor for at least another 2 weeks. I'm going back to see a different GP in a couple of hours (:ohmy: ) in the hope that she'll be able to help me a bit more.
My mother knows perfectly bl**dy well that I'm not psychotic:mad: , it's just easier for her to believe that I am - it all fits so much more nicely into her little rational world if she believes that I'm delusional. I don't blame her in the slightest, I can't imagine what it must be like. But I always thought that although we haven't been too close, when push came to shove she'd be there for me.
You learn something every day I guess.
Thank you all:flowers:
My family do not understand either and that is because they have never suffered as we have. They have no idea what so ever of what this is like and how it affects us. If they only knew what it felt like to be in our shoes then i am sure that they would understand. Sometimes they are scared to because they do not want to see their children hurt and suffering so i think they block it out. If it goes away they will not have to deal with it and accept the fact that their child is ill in any way. My husband is great and this is because he has been where i am now and he knows what it is like. But i think that sometimes even he gets cross with me because i cannot accept and take in what he is telling me. And this is because his didn't last as long because he is a different person and personality to me as things that bother me do not bother him. If his heart starts doing the cha cha cha, he thinks ok, here we go again, so what!! I cannot do that, i get scared. If his heart rate goes up he isn't bothered, me on the other hand, panic stations. But at least he knows what i am going through and he does support me. My children are great also, but they are young and i worry that my problems will rub off on them so i try to hide things as much as possible, which i know is not good.
My gp's are useless. I have had to fight tooth and nail to get any referrals to anywhere done and then have had to wait and wait and wait until i get them. They just look at me as if i'm nuts! Which ok, i might be but i still need to be dealt with correctly. LOL.
I am sorry that you are having a rough time of it and i wish you well with your 'new' gp. Can't be any worse, right? Let us know how you go on and you know that we are all here for you if you need us.x
bottleblond
03-05-07, 17:23
Pony me darlin!
I am 35 and one of my closest friends is 49, she has helped me alot throughout the years and sometimes i don't know what i'd have done without her! I'm very sorry your mother is acting this way with you as you sound as if you could do with a little support at the moment rather than the negitive attitude you are receiving.
Do you think maybe you could sit down and wright your mum a long heart felt letter, telling her that you love her very much and appreciate all that she is doing for you but your needing just a little positive support at the moment.
I really hope things improve soon for you.
take care
Lisa
xxx
Dear Ponylover,
I'm a student too and I suffered badly with anxiety during my second year at uni with the result that I had to take a year's leave. I'm now back at uni and 100% better but I know how frightening it is trying to cope all on your own. I'm surprised the counselling services were able to see you so quickly-at my uni you have to wait months and months, but they are very supportive and experienced, so you're very lucky there. Also, do you have a course supervisor you could go and see and explain your difficulties? My supervisor was brill.
As some of the others have said, it may well be that your mum can't accept your problems and she's frightened by the idea that you're suffering from a mental condition. However, that does not mean she should try and have you labelled as psychotic. As a student, you can arrange an appointment with a psych through the GP at uni and there's no reason she should have to know about it. However, as bottleblond says, I think it would be a good idea to write her a letter. What you are experiencing is a genuine medical condition and can't be cured by simply pulling yourself together, as your mum puts it.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk to a fellow student.
Sarah
PS: Could you try calling your friends on your mobile or speaking to them online as opposed to using the landline? My mum hates my best friend too and I don't think I'll ever bring her round to seeing how brilliant he is, so I have to be a bit cunning and phone him when she's not around. Is it the age-gap she's worried about? Could you try inviting them round so she meets them face to face? That might help alleviate her worries.
I know what you mean about shallow uni students-I find it awkward cos I'm not the sort to go out boozing and clubbing and I feel my experiences have made me more mature too. I felt very left out at school but once I got to uni I was pleased to see not everyone was like that and was surprised by the diversity of people there. I find uni societies are a good way to get to know people with shared interests in quieter, less intimidating surroundings, and have made many friends that way.
Thank you all.
My GP today was fantastic, I had a really good chat (well, wail:blush: ) at her, told her everything that was bothering me. And she actually listened to me, asked intelligent questions and seemed to understand just how hard I was finding things. I have never felt confident enough to answer "yes" to the suicidal thoughts question before, and she agreed with me that if she referred my case onto anyone else that she would oppose the 'psychotic' diagnoses.
At first she was going to refer me to a psychiatrist as an emergency appointment, but after I left, after conversation with the other GP they called me to say that they had decided that it would be better for me to take a year out. They said that it wasn't fair to string me along by sending me to another psychiatrist here.
So...I doubt I'll be here any longer than a week, and I don't expect that I'll come back after a year. Don't think I'm really a uni sort of person. I am a bit shocked with how quickly it's come about though.
Thanks for your reply Sarah, it's good to hear from another student and nice to hear that you've managed to get back into it and are enjoying yourself.
New life...here I come.:D God I'm scared.:ohmy:
Hugs to you all:hugs: :hugs:
You're all fantastic:flowers:
Keep going
04-05-07, 12:11
Glad to here it.
stu:yesyes:
Hi Ponylover,
Glad to hear things are sorting themselves out and you're getting the support you so needed. Please don't give up on uni though-I thought I would never go back and I wanted to give up last year. Don't make any drastic decisions at the moment, just make sure you get better first. Obviously, the final decision's up to you, but I think there aren't many decent jobs out there these days that don't ask for a degree.
Take Care x
Thanks, both of you.
However...I'm leaving Oxford (at least for a year) tomorrow, and went home for the day on Sunday to test the waters with my parents.
And...:weep:
Quotes included
"you aren't acting very ill"
"you're the most deluded person I've ever met"
"none of your 'friends' have your best interests at heart"
"you owe it to us to get a degree and stay in Oxford"
I now have a choice. My life or my parents. They won't accept that I can't cope with the stress of either university life or a high-flying career.
I have a job waiting for me at home - one with a clear progression, opportunities for continuous learning and one that I'd love - my vocation and passion is teaching horse riding to disabled people.
But they won't accept this.
They will let me stay at home for a year, because the doctor has said that I CANNOT stay in uni for the rest of this year, on the understanding that I don't work with horses. They either want me not to work (I don't DO just sitting around), or to do something like working in a call centre for a year (:shrug: :mad: )
If I decide that I want to spend even a year working for the RDA (riding for the disabled association), then I have to leave home.
This is what I'd want to do, I have the financial means to be independent of my parents and it would be a huge relief not to feel so controlled; but I also have a younger brother and sister. If I were to be thrown out, it would completely destroy at least my sister, and I don't think I could live with myself if I did that.
But...the alternative is staying with a lifestyle that I am so profoundly unhappy doing, and which allows me no time to try and cope with the hold that PTSD still has on my life. I can't see any hope, stuck between a rock and a hard place and every decision's a bad one.:weep:
Any bright ideas? The first thing I'm doing when I get home is re-registering with a GP, and getting referred to a counsellor.
Hi again,
Why are your folks so set against you working for the RDA? Is it because they think you won't go back to uni after a year? I think it sounds a brilliant and truly rewarding job and if you want to do it, go for it. You say that you've got the means to be independent, so as long as you can cope financially, you will be fine. Try not to feel too guilty about your brother and sister-this is one occasion where you have to put yourself first.
PS: I had my heart set on Oxford and it was the luckiest day of my life when I was rejected because I could never have coped with the pressure of exams. Some of my friends are Oxford grads and I think you have to be a certain kind of person to cope with the pressure and the hectic socialising.
Take care and I hope things turn out well for you x
Thanks Sarah - I definitely agree with having to be a certain type of person to cope here. Even people who are a lot more socially-minded than I am and make friends a lot more easily (not hard) say that it is a WEIRD atmosphere to be in.
Although people seem to be very supportive of each other, there is always a real undercurrent of competitiveness, and under normal circumstances the tutors don't care about anything other than whether you are getting good marks. (Feel a bit mean saying that since my senior tutor this term has been FANTASTIC), but I know lots of people that have not been so well supported.
My parents are so set against me working for the RDA because they are academics, their values are such that they cannot see anyone being happy working for minimum wage, and in their eyes happiness=good career.
I understand that they're trying to make me do what they think is best for me in the long run, but at the end of the day its making me ill. IMO I'm temperamentally unsuited to a student life, don't want a high stress job and would be happy making a career out of what I love.
And if I get 10 months down the line and decide I've made a mistake...well, Oxford will have me back this time next year with no further academic requirements. I just wish that they'd give me the freedom, at 20 years old, to make that choice for myself.
Hi again!
Just out of interest, what college were you at and what were you studying? It must be tough having academics for parents as they must have such high expectations and you probably feel you have a lot to live up to. My mum was dead set on me getting into Oxbridge and she always put pressure on me to be a sucess academically and I internalised those expectations, so I ended up cracking up when exams were looming, although I still managed to get a perfect academic record. There's far more to life than academia......
For me, happiness is doing a job I love and find rewarding but at the same time, you need to be financially comfortable. While the RDA sounds ideal for your year out and therapeutic too (spending time with animals is great for anxiety sufferers), I just wondered whether you would be able to survive doing it full time as a career. (Sorry, this sounds really pushy and interfering!)
Anyhow, at the age of 20, it's your life and you should have the freedom to choose.
Hi there,
your post was titled 'please tell me what to do'
No-one can here hunny, it is only your decision. While I think on the face of it, your parents are being hard, they are doing probably what they think is right by you. I can only put a few experiences, ythoughts into the pot for you
I used to have a friend, one of twin, whos parents were academics. My friend got through uni, got a great job etc etc his twin left uni and worked in a shop. I don't know who was the happiest but I know the twin got a lot of pressure.
I do think your parents are being mean if they mean to throw you out though, we cannot live our dreams through our children
RDA is a great establishment and it does great things. I think working for them could be very rewarding. As someone who works with people with learning disabilities, it is also very hard work doing it on a full time basis. I am not knocking it, I am just saying that it is not always as rewarding when you have been doing it for a long time.
The long and short of it is you have to do what feels right for you. You are thinking here of far too many people other than yourself.
Maybe it will be a year out, maybe it will be the end of uni, but don't make yourself ill honey by trying too much to please other people.
happyone
xx
Ponylover - as an outsider reading your posts it is really heart rendering to hear your love of horses and desire to work for the RDA.
I don't get your parents fear of you not going down the academic essay writing lifestyle when you'd be successful doing what you love.
But I am sending you lots of strength vibes and hugs to try to encourage you to do what you want.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing. I think you are very brave.
I second what Sam says, do let us know how you are getting along. Take Care x
:flowers: Thank you all SO much:hugs:
The support that I've got from everyone at work has been phenomenal - the committee, volunteers, other staff and riders are all behind me and I am just feeling overwhelmed by it. Even peeople that don't know about my problems have been remarking on how much happier and more relaxed I'm seeming.
I've been told to send in a job application asap, and the group organiser would start paying me to work straight away if she could (just needs to persuade the treasurer!:winks: )
At home, things are ok just because I'm not talking about future plans. They're believing what they want to believe - that I'll be back in Oxford soon. But, I've been told that I can have accomodation at the yard if I need it because I've been thrown out. I'll avoid it if I possibly can, but if they try and back me into a corner then I'm afraid I'll have to go - I've had enough of their control over me, they're blaming me for all their problems rather than the fact that my dad was abusive for the first 18 years of my life.
Happyone - thank you. The beauty of my plan is that if working with disabled people full time does become too draining, then I'll be able to simultaneously get qualified to teach "normal" (sounds awful, but you know what I mean) people to a high standard as well.
Sarah - will pm you with college and course - too much to reveal on a public forum!:winks:
Sorry for the essay. I'm so much happier now that I've left.
Keep going
12-05-07, 22:53
Glad to here your much happier. Its a difficult situation to be in when your parents don't understand how your feeling. sometimes its better to get a life experience and stand on your own two feet. An education will help, but what counts is that your happy in the end. Something i've had to learn by experience.
Good luck to you, stu
I have just read your update and I am beaming - so chuffed for you.
I hope it continues to come together for you and you keep being 'you' and enjoy every well deserved minute of it.
It is so hard to shrug off the controllers in our lifes but you seem very level and realistic about where you are heading.
Please continue to let us know how it goes - not just the bad bits either but all the happy bits too.
I'm so glad things are working out for you and you are receiving the support you need. Horses are such wonderful animals and I'm sure that spending time with them and doing such a rewarding job must be very fulfilling. Hope you go from strength to strength.
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