Having a huge set back

[littleme92]

Hi

I have come back on this forum again after a long time because I need somebody to talk to who understands.

My anxiety has been terrible this past week and I think my depression is coming back again. I am really scared that I am having a mental breakdown!. This morning I could barely get out of bed because everything terrified me and felt like too much. Just walking from one room to another seems like the biggest task ever. At the moment all I want to do is cry!

I have a holiday booked in for mid June and I am going on my own and meeting an 18-35's tour company and travelling for 11 days. I just keep thinking "what if?". What if I have a breakdown while I am out there? What if I can't leave the hotel room and miss the coach when we are travelling to another country? What if I have a breakdown at the airport coming back while I am all alone and I can't come home? What if I get sick while I am out there?

All these thoughts are swimming around in my head. I know that I need to stop worrying because worrying is what is making it worse but I can't. I really don't want to cancel this holiday because if I do I feel like the anxiety and depression has won. I have 2 weeks booked off work and if I don't go all I will be doing is sitting at home in bed.

I feel like such a burden on everyone. I am sorry for moaning to everyone here but I needed to let it out.

[Autumnx1003]

Bless you! Your description of being scared of everything and feeling like every sensory experience is overwhelming is something to which I can totally relate. It's such a horrible feeling!

My only bit of advice here would be to encourage you to stick to your trip plans as much as possible. Oftentimes things seem overwhelming when we initially think about them, but are a much different experience when we go through with them. A famous saying is you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

Keep posting and we will encourage and support as much as possible!


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[littleme92]

Bless you! Your description of being scared of everything and feeling like every sensory experience is overwhelming is something to which I can totally relate. It's such a horrible feeling!

My only bit of advice here would be to encourage you to stick to your trip plans as much as possible. Oftentimes things seem overwhelming when we initially think about them, but are a much different experience when we go through with them. A famous saying is you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did.

Keep posting and we will encourage and support as much as possible!


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Thanks so much, it's nice to know that there are people who understand how it feels!

[littleme92]

Just an update, I did cancel my trip.

I saw a doctor yesterday and he increased my citalopram up to 30mg from 20mg. I have been on 20mg for about 7 years. He thought I would be fine on the trip but I had the day from hell today at work where I spent the first three hours having a major panic attack to the point where I couldn't stop crying and almost came home.

I have barely eaten anything because whenever I try to eat, I just feel sick and start gagging. I panic so much that even the smell of food makes me feel sick and I just need to get away from it.

I don't want to be feeling like this while I am on holiday on my own so I am hoping that one day I will be in a better frame of mind and will get the courage to book it again.

I am just so scared as I feel like the anxiety and depression is winning at the moment as it has made me cancel an holiday and now I am struggling to concentrate at work.

[snowghost57]

Wow, I can relate. I always thought I was the only one when I get anxious, the thought of food makes me sick. I will get so worked up over something I will start to gag. I tried medication and it wasn't for me. The last time I felt like this, I literally talked out loud to myself and stopped the panic.

It's a shame that anxiety won and you cancelled your trip. I have learned from these posts that anxiety is fear. The "what if" is what drives me nuts as well and we have to learn to focus on what is in front of us, right now. I don't always take my own advise but I'm working on it every day.

[Luna-Diana]

Hey, I'm really sorry your feeling like this and i hope you are feeling better soon!

I know everyone is different but i find when my dose of citalopram is increased my anxiety got worse over the next week or 2 before settling again. For "what if" situations, i find De-catastrophizing CBT work sheets really helped me out, but I know different approaches work for everyone and they seem so overwhelming at the time!

Tiny sips of water, or even soup might help if your having difficulty with food. I find when my anxiety is bad my breathing sometimes catches in my throat and then that makes me freak out :(

Focus on doing what you feel will help you just now, don't put too much pressure on yourself and work yourself back up to the point where you feel comfortable booking a solo holiday again.

[littleme92]

Wow, I can relate. I always thought I was the only one when I get anxious, the thought of food makes me sick. I will get so worked up over something I will start to gag. I tried medication and it wasn't for me. The last time I felt like this, I literally talked out loud to myself and stopped the panic.

It's a shame that anxiety won and you cancelled your trip. I have learned from these posts that anxiety is fear. The "what if" is what drives me nuts as well and we have to learn to focus on what is in front of us, right now. I don't always take my own advise but I'm working on it every day.


Hey, I'm really sorry your feeling like this and i hope you are feeling better soon!

I know everyone is different but i find when my dose of citalopram is increased my anxiety got worse over the next week or 2 before settling again. For "what if" situations, i find De-catastrophizing CBT work sheets really helped me out, but I know different approaches work for everyone and they seem so overwhelming at the time!

Tiny sips of water, or even soup might help if your having difficulty with food. I find when my anxiety is bad my breathing sometimes catches in my throat and then that makes me freak out :(

Focus on doing what you feel will help you just now, don't put too much pressure on yourself and work yourself back up to the point where you feel comfortable booking a solo holiday again.

Thank you both for replying. I have been off work sick since yesterday and my depression has come back so much stronger than last time. I feel like I am getting worse each day. Just when I feel like I have hit rock bottom, I fall a bit further. I am so tired and exhausted at the moment!

[Bill]

I think I can understand what's happened and what I feel you need to remind yourself.

You booked a holiday and planned to go alone but the thought of this stressed you so much that you found it difficult just getting out of bed.

This then started you worrying what if you felt like this while you were on holiday which then kept your anxious feelings alive which caused you to lose your appetite.

The anxiety has now made you feel so ill that you've been signed off sick.

You've felt so sick that you've had to cancel your holiday.

Cancelling the holiday has made you feel depressed because you feel anxiety has won and you've failed.

However, look back at the beginning. The planned holiday caused you too much stress. It was a step too far at present. Going alone isn't easy, especially when you suffer anxiety so don't blame yourself or be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

Say to yourself, you couldn't manage this time but there's no reason why in the future you can't try again when you feel better and stronger in yourself. Next time you might not have to go alone. Maybe this time just wasn't the Right time.

Remind yourself, the holiday triggered your anxiety but now you've cancelled it, the stress is dealt with. Don't dwell on it and treat tomorrow as the day before you planned the holiday.

Don't dwell on feeling depressed or on the anxiety the thought of the holiday caused you because at the moment it was just a step too far which you're not ready for. Tomorrow is a new day. Wipe the slate clean and move on with finding other enjoyments in life which don't stress you too much.

[Ljj44577]

I worry every now and then. It sucks. Anxiety sucks. But taking the time to sit down and think can help you find solutions. Overcoming anxiety is a process that takes times. So don't get down on yourself if things get bad. I think talking to a mental health professional could be the best route in so you can get this off your chest. If not, I think meditation will help. There are resources for people who struggle with anxiety. Please use those.

I'm sorry if this help.

[Panic sufferer]

Hi LittleMe, sorry you are feeling like this. I know it's really hard to see it this way when you're feeling like this, but try to think *setbacks are normal*.

To echo what Bill said, I reckon it was the prospect of the holiday that pushed you into this state, then you feel bad you've had a setback. I have had a couple of setbacks recently when I tried to push my stamina further at work than my mind and body can currently cope with, and I have begun to notice a pattern - push beyond your limits, feel tired panicky and depressed.

You will gradually recover to the state where you can take that holiday, and as Bill said, wipe the slate clean and treat tomorrow as a new day.

[AppleCinnamon]

Bless you! Your description of being scared of everything and feeling like every sensory experience is overwhelming is something to which I can totally relate. It's such a horrible feeling!

I can relate to this feeling as well, these are the worst days. It seems as if any little sensory experience triggers a panic reaction; sound, sight, smell ... EVERYTHING becomes anxiety and you feel like going crazy and losing control. But in the end, it is just that, anxiety and panic; you will stay sane, it just cannot get any worse.

[littleme92]

I think I can understand what's happened and what I feel you need to remind yourself.

You booked a holiday and planned to go alone but the thought of this stressed you so much that you found it difficult just getting out of bed.

This then started you worrying what if you felt like this while you were on holiday which then kept your anxious feelings alive which caused you to lose your appetite.

The anxiety has now made you feel so ill that you've been signed off sick.

You've felt so sick that you've had to cancel your holiday.

Cancelling the holiday has made you feel depressed because you feel anxiety has won and you've failed.

However, look back at the beginning. The planned holiday caused you too much stress. It was a step too far at present. Going alone isn't easy, especially when you suffer anxiety so don't blame yourself or be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up.

Say to yourself, you couldn't manage this time but there's no reason why in the future you can't try again when you feel better and stronger in yourself. Next time you might not have to go alone. Maybe this time just wasn't the Right time.

Remind yourself, the holiday triggered your anxiety but now you've cancelled it, the stress is dealt with. Don't dwell on it and treat tomorrow as the day before you planned the holiday.

Don't dwell on feeling depressed or on the anxiety the thought of the holiday caused you because at the moment it was just a step too far which you're not ready for. Tomorrow is a new day. Wipe the slate clean and move on with finding other enjoyments in life which don't stress you too much.


I worry every now and then. It sucks. Anxiety sucks. But taking the time to sit down and think can help you find solutions. Overcoming anxiety is a process that takes times. So don't get down on yourself if things get bad. I think talking to a mental health professional could be the best route in so you can get this off your chest. If not, I think meditation will help. There are resources for people who struggle with anxiety. Please use those.

I'm sorry if this help.


Hi LittleMe, sorry you are feeling like this. I know it's really hard to see it this way when you're feeling like this, but try to think *setbacks are normal*.

To echo what Bill said, I reckon it was the prospect of the holiday that pushed you into this state, then you feel bad you've had a setback. I have had a couple of setbacks recently when I tried to push my stamina further at work than my mind and body can currently cope with, and I have begun to notice a pattern - push beyond your limits, feel tired panicky and depressed.

You will gradually recover to the state where you can take that holiday, and as Bill said, wipe the slate clean and treat tomorrow as a new day.


I can relate to this feeling as well, these are the worst days. It seems as if any little sensory experience triggers a panic reaction; sound, sight, smell ... EVERYTHING becomes anxiety and you feel like going crazy and losing control. But in the end, it is just that, anxiety and panic; you will stay sane, it just cannot get any worse.

Thanks for all your comments! It really means a lot that you are all so supportive.

[beatroon]

Hey there, wanted to check in to echo what the others have said. Dealing with anxiety is a question of baby-steps really - it's perfectly OK for some things to be a bridge too far, at some times. I am sure you will re-book your holiday when the time seems right for you. You don't need to think of it in terms of winning and losing, anxiety doesn't fight fair so why should you? :)

[littleme92]

Hey there, wanted to check in to echo what the others have said. Dealing with anxiety is a question of baby-steps really - it's perfectly OK for some things to be a bridge too far, at some times. I am sure you will re-book your holiday when the time seems right for you. You don't need to think of it in terms of winning and losing, anxiety doesn't fight fair so why should you? :)


Thanks for replying

At the moment I am just scared that I am becoming scared of leaving the house. I tried to go back to work this week on Monday and Tuesday but it made me so anxious that I thew up and had to go back to the doctors on Wednesday and he signed me off sick for a week.

I feel like everything is wrong with me and I went to the shop today to buy my Mum a birthday card but I started panicking again like it was too hard to do.

How have I gone from being perfectly fine to not being able to go out without panicking?

I am scared of being in front of people in case I throw up again.

I am also afraid that if I get over this and finally go back to work, it will all spiral out of control again. Or worse, I will never get over this and will never be able to go back to work again.

My mind just races and races and it won't stop. When I am not worrying about one thing, I am worrying about something else.

At the moment I have convinced myself that I have every disease in the world and my panic attacks are constant.

I am hoping that this extra anxiety is just a bad side effect of the citalopram dose increase and that it will start to subside.

My depression feels really strong today as well. I just want to be able to live a life without anxiety and depression.

[littleme92]

Hi

I feel like I owe everyone who has been so kind to me on this thread an explanation as I was ranting so much on the last post I made.

I won't go into all the details but that night I was referred to the mental health crisis team at the hospital. I knew I needed professional help because everything felt like it was getting worse day by day. They are being really helpful and they are coming to visit me everyday to give me advise and I have a crisis number I can call when I need it. I am having ups and downs but today I even managed to go out with my mum without having a panic attack so I feel that very slowly I am making progress.

I wanted to let you know because everyone on here is so supportive and it is really helping me get through this bad stage at the moment so I am trying to stay positive even though sometimes it is hard.